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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day cards for Step-mums

267 replies

Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 18:50

I don't know if IABU or just hurt.

My older 2 DC came home from their dads early today with chocolates and flowers and cooked a roast dinner for me which was really really lovely.

DS2 has a different dad and was also at his this weekend - he asked me for a tenner to buy me a Mother's Day gift.

Today he has come back late because he's been out for a meal with his dad and stepmum and brother (DS2 is 14 - his dad and I split up when I was pg as he was shagging his now step mum - I am over this clearly but did not want to drip feed).

He gave me a box of chocolates I don't really like and said he also gave his step mum a card and gift.

This really really pisses me off. Firstly because she is not his mum, I am, I gave birth to him and bar EOW I have brought him up alone. Secondly It seems I have also bought her a fucking gift (my chocolates had the price tag on they were a fiver).

I feel really pissed off and unappreciated by his dad that he can't be arsed to organise something with DS2.

I am a step mum myself and we sent her flowers and I would think it really really weird and inappropriate if my step daughters gave me a Mother's Day card - because I am not their mother and there is no vacancy to fill here.

OP posts:
Alwayssunny · 06/03/2016 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaphneWhitethigh · 06/03/2016 23:40

Good point Dreams, SM is just as much a mum as XP is a dad.

MrsWigster1991 · 06/03/2016 23:44

Daphne how do you know she does any format of parenting? Why can't she just be dad's gf. Why give her the role. The XP is his dad.

MrsWigster1991 · 06/03/2016 23:45

Form* not format. sausage fingers and autocorrect

Zariyah · 06/03/2016 23:49

I shall backtrack a bit because the more you post, the more I can see you're just hurting. Flowers Your feelings are what they are. They are completely understandable, particularly given the way the SM got into a relationship with your ex. Your son is a teenager and they're not known for being particularly sensitive, as I can see you have already discovered. Maybe he didn't get you anything special because he doesn't feel the need to. He's probably just secure in the fact that you're mum and you'll always be there. :)

Ginkypig · 06/03/2016 23:52

You have to go with how he feels on this.

If he wants to show his feeling for her in this way he should be allowed to because from his perspective he has a mum who he adores and wants to give card/present to but also another person in a "mother" role (for most of his life) who he wants to give a card to as well. It doesn't mean he loves her more.

That's all he knows, he does not know the history because that's nothing to do with him! He can't and shouldn't know how much pain was caused to you in the past

I'm a stepmum, and a stepchild just incase you feel it relevant.

Talk to ex and ask him to help your son with future Mother's Day card presents then you won't feel like you have bought her a present.

Ginkypig · 06/03/2016 23:54

Even after all Iv said I can see why your hurt. You never signed up for this.

I make sure my sc know that I love them as they were my own but that their mother is the most important person and I'm just happy to get to be a part of their life.

PetrovaFossil1 · 07/03/2016 00:01

I think regarding the choice of cards, it's actually much more special that he chose you one he thought you'd specifically like, rather than a generic (tacky IMO) 'Mother's Day' card.

He put more thought into yours as opposed to just picking up the hallmark special.

mogloveseggs · 07/03/2016 00:01

Yabu to tell him. But yanbu to feel hurt. Dd made her dad's partner a card. She calls her her stepmum. Yet my dh has always not been stepdad and she has a hissy fit when I ask if she wants to put her name on his father's day card.
Said woman is trying to muscle in-washing her school uniform, offering to sew brownies badges on her uniform, things that are not her job. Her waste of space father is only interested now this woman is around. Drives dh and I bonkers.
And breathe! Sorry for the rant op, there are so many of us in the same boat.

harrasseddotcom · 07/03/2016 00:21

tbh i wouldnt bring anything up with ex neither as he'll either think your a fruitloop or worse, inform your ds how you feel. its something you'll just have to accept and maybe have a rant on mn about i dont think it is your ex's job to make sure ds bought you anything, ex obligations to you ended when you kicked him out. It was possibly his responsibility to ensure sm got something (if that is what your ds wished). But by giving your ds money (and not specifying it was not for sm's benefit, although im not sure how you could frame that without looking bitter) you enabled ds to make his own choice. It is kinda tough shit that you dont like that choice tho. But again, you couldnt ever voice it without looking pissy or bitter. Which is possibly why its better to work on not feeling that way because the reality is no good comes out of feeling the way you do. Not you, and definitely not your son (if it ever got out).

harrasseddotcom · 07/03/2016 00:26

MLE, does your dd stay with her df and sm? If so, then in that household the sm maybe does have responsibilities towards your daughter. Doing washing and offering to sew things are maybe perceived as her job in that household. You dont get to dictate what other people do in their household. Is your dd unhappy, doesnt sound like it if she made sm a card and calls her stepmum.

iwuddarryl · 07/03/2016 00:31

I understand why you are hurt.
You are his mum, not her.

He was probably pressured into buying her a card and gift, by your exh.

mogloveseggs · 07/03/2016 00:35

One overnight every couple of weeks. I know I'm unreasonable it's just the way I feel. And as dd is never there when it is brownies I'm not going to pack her uniform up for exh partner to sew badges on. The badges were sewn within a week (and now I have to unpick them as she's in guides so that they can go on a camp blanket Grin). I just silently seethe (and whinge to my dm). All smiles for dd.

Ludoole · 07/03/2016 00:35

You are allowed to feel how you feel.
Personally i would be very proud if my sons did that for a stepmum.

MotherKat · 07/03/2016 01:16

I can say because I have been there.
Daughter's dsm was at xh and my wedding, and I have since found out it was going on then.
Dd is 16, she uses my moonpig account to get a card to get dsm a card and a gift, this year she spent with them as dsm had a personal tragedy recently, where as I am settling in at home with twins.
Your son has had this woman in his life for his entire existence, to deny she has had any part bin his life is delusional, that he chooses to bigmouth her is a credit to you, please recognise you are jealous before you take it out on your aspie kid, because he will not understand.
Talk to your ex and get him to fund the gifts next year though.

chopinschopsticks · 07/03/2016 03:29

If you feel like this now, when you should be proud of DS, how will you feel when you have a DIL - jealous and possessive?

I can see why you are a bit hurt, but I do think YABU. It was not as though you were home alone, your other DC made a fuss of you, as required.

SimpleSimonThePieMan · 07/03/2016 08:21

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Original poster
Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 08:23

"Disgusting" attitude?! Seriously Grin

OP posts:
SimpleSimonThePieMan · 07/03/2016 08:27

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Original poster
Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 08:32

I am a disgrace?

Really?

I think you are totally over the top.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 07/03/2016 08:36

simple don't try to shame the OP for having a perfectly natural emotion. Clearly YOU have extensive experience with your various family situations but she doesn't. Why so attacking?

SimpleSimonThePieMan · 07/03/2016 08:42

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Original poster
Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 08:47

I am pissed off he gave someone who is not his mother a Mother's Day card.

I am not pissed off he has other people who love him.

He wasn't adopted he is my son and I have brought him up on my own.

I am his mother.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/03/2016 08:50

He wasn't adopted he is my son

That's an odd comment to make. Are adopted children not the sons and daughters of their adoptive parents?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 08:51

Yeah they are - but my son is not his step mums son - he is my son.

OP posts: