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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day cards for Step-mums

267 replies

Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 18:50

I don't know if IABU or just hurt.

My older 2 DC came home from their dads early today with chocolates and flowers and cooked a roast dinner for me which was really really lovely.

DS2 has a different dad and was also at his this weekend - he asked me for a tenner to buy me a Mother's Day gift.

Today he has come back late because he's been out for a meal with his dad and stepmum and brother (DS2 is 14 - his dad and I split up when I was pg as he was shagging his now step mum - I am over this clearly but did not want to drip feed).

He gave me a box of chocolates I don't really like and said he also gave his step mum a card and gift.

This really really pisses me off. Firstly because she is not his mum, I am, I gave birth to him and bar EOW I have brought him up alone. Secondly It seems I have also bought her a fucking gift (my chocolates had the price tag on they were a fiver).

I feel really pissed off and unappreciated by his dad that he can't be arsed to organise something with DS2.

I am a step mum myself and we sent her flowers and I would think it really really weird and inappropriate if my step daughters gave me a Mother's Day card - because I am not their mother and there is no vacancy to fill here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 22:36

He has a right to have a relationship with anyone yes.

I just don't want him giving a "Happy Morhers Day" card to anyone but me - y'know the person who is his actual mother.

OP posts:
harrasseddotcom · 06/03/2016 22:37

YABU although Im not quite sure what you are upset at/with. Your ds for buying his sm a card/a better card/spending your money? Sm for receiving said card? exdp for 'allowing' it. Can you clarify which please.

Mooseygoose · 06/03/2016 22:37

Well it's tough isn't it because he's a young man with his own mind and he's given her the card now.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 06/03/2016 22:37

Maybe not evil, but certainly selfish.

You've just contradicted yourself. If it's just commercial, why are you being like this about it?

Bubblesinthesummer · 06/03/2016 22:38

I just don't want him giving a "Happy Morhers Day" card to anyone but me

But he gave her a step mum card didn't he.

ToadsforJustice · 06/03/2016 22:38

You are quite right OP.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 22:40

He gave her a Mother's Day card - not a step mother card.

OP posts:
KimmySchmidtsSmile · 06/03/2016 22:40

YABU for being Envy over a card unless it also said Mum on it
YANBU for being Angry over funding it.
Your ex owes you a tenner. He should be sorting BOTH gifts.
If he is too tight for that, he should at the very least be refunding a fiver, as YOU paying the OW's Flowers is not on in this set of circumstances.
St Davids Chocolate WineWineWine

SinisterBumFacedCat · 06/03/2016 22:40

I got a step mum card today, from my Step Son. Who also lives with us full time and has little contact with his own mum, so in essence I am the kind of step mum that the Op feels is worthy of the name (has stepped in where the parent is absent). However this is a rubbish rule, there are many variations of step families, some in constant contact and some barely, some long lasting and others fleeting, tbh I'm not married to dp so am not officially a step, but I have been parenting him for the last 8 years and was happy to receive a card today. The problem in our house is DS also got a card for his mother, but we don't have a address to send it to. Sad

NameChangeEr · 06/03/2016 22:41

If you don't like that the OW/SM was made more of a fuss of, facilitated by your ex, why didn't your current OH help your DS to make a fuss of you? Surely that's how it would go?

Sorry but I think it would be strange for yr ex's mum to have photos of y in her house, no matter how good you get on with her, or how much of an arsehole your ex is, she will always put her son first.

harrasseddotcom · 06/03/2016 22:41

But its not birth mothers only day though is it? Mother's Day celebrates one's mother, as well as motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society. So technically your son is in the right and you are in the wrong.

Thisisnotausername · 06/03/2016 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickiFury · 06/03/2016 22:44

I bet you feel much worse now don't you OP? The only thing you did wrong was post in AIBU. You'd probably have still been told you were wrong (though I don't think so) in relationships but everyone would have been far kinder about it.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 22:45

My OH doesn't live with me all the time he's in the navy. It's hard for him to coordinate stuff and money is tight ATM - my older two work so got me stuff out of their wages I don't care about giving DS money to get me a card.

I don't seriously expect her to have photos of me but it is hard that the house if full of "family" photos of them as a family of four and there is one with the four of them semi naked which is bizarre and hurtful and through contacts with other people ex mum knows they are surprised that SM isn't mum to both boys.

He doesn't even live with them ffs.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 06/03/2016 22:45

No, he gave the stepmum a Mother's Day card and his own mum a generic card. All wrong. And whoever said OP was cross about the present not who paid, I disagree. Had the dad stumped up cash to buy for stepmum, fine, but as it is OP has paid for the stepmum's present - again, wrong. And the crassness of lecturing the OP on how she doesn't understand the sacrifices of a stepmum, when she'd already said she is one herself, is most unfair and an apology from those posters wouldn't be amiss.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 06/03/2016 22:47

What do you consider yourself to be to your own stepchildren if not a parent, OP?

There is more to being a parent than being biologically related to them.

And as much as you said you're not bitter, resentful or angry, I don't think that's actually true, or you would merely be glad he has a healthy relationship with the other mother in his life.

NickiFury · 06/03/2016 22:47

He doesn't have another mother in his life.

TendonQueen · 06/03/2016 22:47

Thisis not at all. It's been a mixed set of responses.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 06/03/2016 22:49

But they are a family!

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 22:49

I am glad he has a healthy relationship with his dad's wife.

She is there 4 days a month while he spends time with his dad (as am I with my DSC).

This does not make her my sons parent.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 06/03/2016 22:50

tendon the key word in thisis post was almost an entire thread full of people saying YABU. Which is a fair reflection of the thread.

NickiFury · 06/03/2016 22:50

Yes. But he does not have two mothers.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 06/03/2016 22:50

There is more to being a parent than being biologically related to them.

^ absolutely this.

Funinthesun15 · 06/03/2016 22:52

I did actually wonder if there would be a SM bashing thread today.....

NickiFury · 06/03/2016 22:52

That's true but not particularly relevant here when you consider he's only there four days out of the month. How much "parenting" can she actually be doing?