Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day cards for Step-mums

267 replies

Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 18:50

I don't know if IABU or just hurt.

My older 2 DC came home from their dads early today with chocolates and flowers and cooked a roast dinner for me which was really really lovely.

DS2 has a different dad and was also at his this weekend - he asked me for a tenner to buy me a Mother's Day gift.

Today he has come back late because he's been out for a meal with his dad and stepmum and brother (DS2 is 14 - his dad and I split up when I was pg as he was shagging his now step mum - I am over this clearly but did not want to drip feed).

He gave me a box of chocolates I don't really like and said he also gave his step mum a card and gift.

This really really pisses me off. Firstly because she is not his mum, I am, I gave birth to him and bar EOW I have brought him up alone. Secondly It seems I have also bought her a fucking gift (my chocolates had the price tag on they were a fiver).

I feel really pissed off and unappreciated by his dad that he can't be arsed to organise something with DS2.

I am a step mum myself and we sent her flowers and I would think it really really weird and inappropriate if my step daughters gave me a Mother's Day card - because I am not their mother and there is no vacancy to fill here.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 06/03/2016 22:54

There is no "bashing" going on here is there?

gentlydownthestreammm · 06/03/2016 22:54

I think when I was a teenager, I didn't appreciate at all the importance of mother's day as a day to show mum how grateful i was for everything she had done for me, and the unique role she played in my life as my mum. It was just a day to buy a card and give some flowers or chocolates because that's what everyone did.

It's only as I've got older I have realised how much mother's day means to mothers and why.

This is why I think you are reading too much into it. He saw that it was mother's day, saw it as an opportunity to buy two cards rather than one since he has two people in his life with 'mother' in their title, mum and stepmum, that's it. Probably doesn't have any reflection on the value he places on each relationship. It's just about buying stuff.

MrsWigster1991 · 06/03/2016 22:54

She is there 4 days a month while he spends time with his dad (as am I with my DSC)

There is more to being a parent than being biologically related to them.

Seems like you only have to be around 4 days a month and MN says you can be considered a parent then.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 22:55

"Bashing?" Hmm

OP posts:
harrasseddotcom · 06/03/2016 22:55

How much "parenting" can she actually be doing? Obviously enough for the ds to want to give her a card celebrating it!

VoldysGoneMouldy · 06/03/2016 22:55

TBH you could say that about bio parents that only see their kids EOW, and I'm sure people would be up in arms about that.

But it's okay if they're step parents, right?

Step parents are parents. There is a different dynamic, sure, but they do all the things a parent does, and they deserve the gratitude, love and kindness we all want / expect on Mother's Day.

NickiFury · 06/03/2016 22:57

Or maybe his Dad told him to. Is that likely OP?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 22:58

Yes it is likely very likely which pisses me off more.

OP posts:
MrsWigster1991 · 06/03/2016 23:00

Do they deserve gratitude if they are the OW?

My dad married his OW leaving my mum behind. She did not replace my mother. She tolerated my existence. Should I have been grateful?
I understand every step parent is different but the OP probably feels second best once again.
Mothers day is her day. She is their mother. I wonder how her ex would feel if their son got his mums partner a father's day card with dad on?

harrasseddotcom · 06/03/2016 23:02

But even if his dad told him to, unless his dad frogmarched him to the shop and physically forced him to pick a card and pay for it (not even sure thats possible with a 14 year old) then you have to acknowledge that your son actively played a role in buying his sm a card. Fair enough your annoyed that he spent your money on it, but it would look really petty and pissy if you pulled your ds up on that.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 23:03

Where have I said I am going to pull anyone up on this?

I just feel privately hurt and insignificant.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 06/03/2016 23:03

You're not wrong to feel this way but sadly it's something that can't be shown because the socially acceptable and supposedly emotionally healthy response is that you understand and accept that this is how it is. Its still fine not to feel OK about it though, it really is and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

charlestonchaplin · 06/03/2016 23:04

I'm more appalled that a 14 year old asked his mum for money to buy her a present. I 'd expect a 14 year old to be more resourceful or creative than that.

harrasseddotcom · 06/03/2016 23:04

the sm is not the ds ow so not seeing how it is remotely relevant. if ow was a total cunt to ds then surely you'd be surprised more than anything else. But from what youve said she is not.

NickiFury · 06/03/2016 23:05

He has Aspergers.

DaphneWhitethigh · 06/03/2016 23:06

The 14 year old in question has ASD so may not necessarily be adhering to your preferred development timetable Charleston.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 23:08

He's very very bright but he comes across as rude and has no common sense at all - he's not resourceful unless he's in a Maths lesson Grin

OP posts:
NickiFury · 06/03/2016 23:10

I've a 13 year old with HFA. Knows the London tube map back to front and most of the national rail time tables too but can't remember to put his coat on to go out without prompting and still has to clear his clothing choices with me before getting dressed in the morning Smile

YouMakeMyDreams · 06/03/2016 23:11

So his dad only sees him 4 days a month so he can't be much of a parent either right? Because it's been like this since the ops son was born so she has done as much or as little patenting as his father. She had played as equal a role in his life as his father.

harrasseddotcom · 06/03/2016 23:14

I just feel privately hurt and insignificant. but why? emotions are not finite. his feelings for his sm dont negate his feelings for you.

charlestonchaplin · 06/03/2016 23:14

The information about ASD must be buried in the thread. I didn't realise he has an ASD.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 23:17

That's just how I feel. I cannot control how I feel.

It's prob from having the PND and them not being kind.

I do everything in the background and they take him to the "show stopper"days.

He's not white (I am) and I am ashamed to say that me parents struggled with that.

OP posts:
SovietKitsch · 06/03/2016 23:20

I have no idea if my DC buy their step-mum a card/pressie for mothers' day, but she's been around a long time, so wouldn't be hurt if they do. They do buy my DH/their step-dad a pressie on fathers' day, but that may be more natural because they do it jointly with DD and he is her dad. YANBU to feel hurt, we often can't control that, but YWBU to make him feel bad about it

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 23:22

I didn't make him feel bad about it - I said nothing to him other than it was nice that he gave her a card even though inside I was hurting.

OP posts:
harrasseddotcom · 06/03/2016 23:23

Well it true you cannot control how you feel. But that doesnt mean that all feelings are justified or reasonable. Maybe try working towards being indifferent towards them?

It doesnt matter if they do fun things with him and you do not, especially if they only have him EOW. Your son when he is old enough will appreciate that you are the one that did the lionshare of bringing him up and he will love you and respect you for that. But honestly, him buying his SM a mothers day card does not mean that he loves you less or disrespects you.