To be sad I wasted my youth

[friendlyfoxes]

TAAT of sorts.

I didn't travel.

I didn't shag hot men.

I didn't shag any men.

I was indoctrinated introduced to a church and was a reluctant Christian. It was very hard to break away from as I was reliant socially and emotionally on the church but it just made me hate myself for not being a good person.

Now when I read Mumsnetters looking back on their wild youths I feel sad.

Please come join me if you had a boring adolescence/twenties.

You sound more than a 'wee bit' depressed, OP. You sound really, really down.

Fwiw, I had a wild youth. I travelled. I shagged many hot guys. I had a very exciting career in my 20s.

I still have many regrets. I have gone through bad depressive periods.

It might sound patronising, but I think the issue here really is how you are looking at things. Its so negative. I have been there, and it is absolutely exhausting being so fucking down on yourself.

Therapy was shit for me, too, to be honest. But at some stage you do have to do something to start to lift yourself out of the stagnation and depression and endless reflecting on what has gone badly in your life. Action is always better than wallowing in thoughts and feelings - life has taught me that.

Is there something you have always wanted to do but haven't? Do it!

Oh sweetheart, you sound really depressed and its not surprising as you've had such a hard time in your early years.

Do you mind me asking what counselling you've had? Have you tried CBT as it sounds like it really would benefit you. It doesn't have to cost and a GP referral may be sooner than you think. I had to ask mine for a referral on New Years Eve and had my first appointment early February and lots of calls and support in the intervening weeks.

Don't rule out medication either. I've been on anti depressants for years and they've made no difference to my weight (I am big but that's not why!). They can't fix everything, but they can get you from 'everything is hopeless and there's no point trying' to 'things are pretty bleak now, but I might be able to make some changes' - it's a small but very important difference.

I would suggest you try not to worry about relationships at the moment, I think you deserve to be giving yourself all your attention right now, rather than thinking about someone else.

You mention friends, and I guess you have a job, so that's two positive things already. You are also reaching out here and are very articulate.

I have no idea what you look like, but I bet you are not as 'ugly' as you think, and you can change things about your appearance if you feel the need too, but you need to try and get your heart & mind in a happier place first.

I wish you the very best of luck going forward. Sometimes life doesn't work out in the order we think it should, but that doesn't mean it won't work out in the long run - what's that saying? It's never too late to be who you were meant to be .

I haven't looked for five years nineties.

Trust me, whether I look for it or not if isn't coming to me.

This must be a frustrating thread. Sorry.

I wish I could give my life to someone who needs it. I really wish I could.

It's only frustrating because no-one wants you to feel like this

I think I last 'looked' 4 years ago!

Do you think if you just "gave up" you might find some relief?

I badly want to have another DC and don't like my lot, so iv been trying really hard to change it - so hard iv probably pushed it further away. I kind of know if I just accepted what I have - I'd find a way to be happy about it. It would take some work, adjustment and acceptance. But I don't want to accept it. At the moment id rather be unhappy about it than accept it and be happy.

It's not logical though. And it's making me unhappy.

Just wondering if you gave up on wanting and concentrated on what you do have - health, education, job, friends, parents, siblings?

Would it be a relief to let go of the dream?

So, have you sought RL help, foxes?

Really, there's no need to feel like this forever and you won't always feel like this.
Help is available, but you do need to seek it out.
Speak to your GP, please do

Counselling once didn't make much difference.

OP plenty of married people have no love no sex no babies.

Don't judge people's lives by the glossy covers they present to the outside world.

You sound depressed.

Nothing will improve until you have more positive optimistic attitude but I'm aware that is avicious cycle.

My lot = my lot in life. Not that I don't like the offspring I already have!

Yeah I get that Light, and I know I'm luckier than probably 90% of the world but still the fact is I don't want the life I have.

Counselling once didn't make much difference

Well, try again, a different counsellor can make all the difference.

Consider medication to lift your mood - an antidepressant won't change your life or what you are unhappy about, but can help you manage changes you might like to make. Speak to your GP

Sign up to MoodScope

There's lots of different types of therapy. I don't think you need counselling as such - you know why you feel what you feel, I don't think you lack insight

On the other hand - help to change your thinking such as cognitive behavioural therapy - could make a real difference

You said you wanted to give your life to someone who needed it. How about creating that person? If you think that a person who thinks like you doesn't need to exist, create a whole new person by thinking differently...

So how can you get the life you want?
Do you socialise to meet new people?
Have you asked friends if they have any single men friends they can introduce you to?
Do you go to any social occasions you're invited to e g work nights out?
Do you have other interests e g a sport/ reading/ languages etc? Could you meet someone through those?

There are possibilities but
You need to be in the right headspace first. I agree with those who say you should consider seeing your GP.

I wish I could create that person but really what is need is to start my entire life from scratch and I can't do that.

Kitty trust me men are not interested in me.

If you can't find the impetus to turn things around or change your thinking then please make a small step to letting someone else help. Just ringing the Samaritans is a start. They will listen and advise.

Well, you certainly sound depressed to me.

Thing is there will be someone out there who did all the stuff you didn't do - and still feels they have wasted their youth, and are destined for a lonely, unhappy life because of it.

You can't change the past. You do have to accept that and come to terms with it. But you know that.

It only takes one Friendly. Men in general weren't interested in me either. One was. I met him by asking if any friends had single male friends they could introduce me to.
In your current frame of mind though I appreciate this would be hard for you because you can't get past your self esteem issues. That's why so many people are asking you to consider CBT or seeing your GP. Some of these could help you see the best in yourself instead of the worst making you more interesting to men who are usually much more interested in the person you are than what you look like for a long term partner. Not that I accept your description of yourself but I see that you see it that way.
You deserve to be happy like everyone else- consider CBT or other alternatives to help you get there.

I second CBT - you understand why you feel how you do, but the way you are convincing yourself that what you feel is what is the fixed and unalterable case is frankly irrational. CBT helps people stop themselves from indulging in circular, negative thoughts that do nothing but confirm their negative hypothesis.

“Learned helplessness is the giving-up reaction, the quitting response that follows from the belief that whatever you do doesn’t matter.” Sounds like you're suffering from learned helplessness, OP. It's a thing, it's fixable, but see your GP, please.

From this [http://psychology.about.com/od/lindex/f/earned-helplessness.htm link]] about Learned Helplessness:

"Even when opportunities to escape are presented, this learned helplessness will prevent any action." e.g., you're dismissing a lot of good suggestions above because you "know" they won't work.

"When people feel that they have no control over their situation, they may also begin to behave in a helpless manner. This inaction can lead people to overlook opportunities for relief or change."

"Depression, anxiety, phobias, shyness and loneliness can all be exacerbated by learned helplessness."

Friendlyfoxes, if you have a vagina and a heartbeat, trust me, there are men out there who are interested in you.

But that is not the point. Re-read this thread, just your responses, not anyone's comments. There is not a positive comment in anything you have said! That alone says you are probably very depressed. You really should be talking this through with your GP.

You don't need to recreate your entire life from scratch, but you do need to make that leap of faith to make changes now - positive changes going forward, rather than dwelling on the past.