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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad I wasted my youth

229 replies

friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 06:58

TAAT of sorts.

I didn't travel.

I didn't shag hot men.

I didn't shag any men.

I was indoctrinated introduced to a church and was a reluctant Christian. It was very hard to break away from as I was reliant socially and emotionally on the church but it just made me hate myself for not being a good person.

Now when I read Mumsnetters looking back on their wild youths I feel sad.

Please come join me if you had a boring adolescence/twenties.

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 06/03/2016 12:10

I am 38 and happily single - there are quite a few of us about.

Don't get hung up on looks, OP - I know lots of not-conventionally attractive women who are happily married. And lots of very attractive women who are single!

You haven't said yet - what sort of job do you do and do you enjoy it? And what do you enjoy doing outside work?

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 06/03/2016 12:17

I am like you OP.
I have tried to have a relationship. Any man I have been attracted to hasn't felt the same. I truly think I am very unatteactive to men.
I am 41 and never had a long term rqtionship. Deep down I think I never will.
The one shining light is my DD who I conceived through donor IVF at.36. I have met other mums now with children conceived in the same way. At last I feel as though I have mily has glife. It isn't what I would have chosen but it

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 06/03/2016 12:19

Posted too soon. I meant to say it has saved my life I think. Anyway I am not religious and never jad anyhing to do with the church but I think I understand how you feel OP.x

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 13:00

Thanks potato - this is something I'm seriously considering at the moment :)

OP posts:
greenbloom · 06/03/2016 14:33

So what will you do now? Given that you are as unhappy with yourself as well as your circumstances, then you need probably need to change your internal thoughts about yourself. This isn't easy, but there is an awful lot of help out there and it is a very common problem. You could do this, but you have to make a little bit of effort on your own behalf.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 14:34

I'm not sure what you mean, but thanks.

OP posts:
wheatchief · 06/03/2016 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kawliga · 06/03/2016 16:41

About this thread, OP, sometimes it's fun to have a chat that is like a game of tennis. Posters lob the ball in your direction, you lob it right back at them. It's like a challenge to see if you can find a problem for every solution that is offered to you.

You win the game because you haven't let a single idea hit the ground - you managed to hit the ideas and suggestions all back. Weirdly satisfying. You must be quite good at it because nobody on this long thread has managed to shift you. I get that sometimes this can be therapeutic, a bit like having a safe space to have a rant.

I hope you do see that this is ok on a thread, but not ok in real life. Life is not a game. You just have to get on with these suggestions even if you are convinced it won't work. It's like reading a book that you are SURE you will hate, but you read it anyway because your friend has promised you will love it (and yes, you might hate it, but at least you read it, and you might surprise yourself and love it!) Sometimes you just have to follow suggestions not because you agree or believe it will work, but because you trust the person advising you. Collective wisdom of MN can't be completely wrong - somewhere on this thread lies a suggestion that you must at least try even if you are 100% sure it won't work. Try it anyway.

SoThatHappened · 06/03/2016 17:00

No, I'm not really looking for advice, more wondering if there's anyone like me.

Totaly. My mum wasted my childhood.

I had no money in my twenties and early thirties.

Now 37 given up, and consigning myself to being single forever and being alone and miserable.

Just be used by men until they go on to get who they do want.

I am too old now to do anything with my life.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 17:09

I do sort of feel like that, SoThat

Kawliga, if you think I find anything about my life satisfying, then you are very wrong.

I hate it.

I don't feel it can change. Everybody who is urging me to do something misses the point that what my life lacks, critically, are other people. And you can't make people love you, like you, spend time with you or care about you.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 06/03/2016 17:18

Everybody who is urging me to do something misses the point that what my life lacks, critically, are other people. And you can't make people love you, like you, spend time with you or care about you.

Yup. I would rather be dead than living my life.

Fatrascals · 06/03/2016 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at request of author

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 17:21

Ok forget about men - that's what I've done. I don't go on dates, I don't look for a partner, I don't try.

Has it made me happy?

OP posts:
foffx · 06/03/2016 17:24

And you can't make people love you, like you, spend time with you or care about you.

Actually you really can. You just have to give them something to love or like...

Are you kind? Are you considerate? Are you helpful?

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 17:24
Blush

Actually I am really sorry. That was rude.

But I am lonely. I'm sorry - but that's not a crime, is it? I'm really lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 17:25

No, trust me, people don't care about that. Not really. I am by all accounts a nice person. It would be nice if being nice was enough - it isn't.

Sometimes it's luck and I have had none.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/03/2016 17:32

Friendly Would it help you to think how you would advise someone like Sothat who is clearly in an awful low place? You need to apply your advice to yourself. Treat yourself kindly.
Once you are feeling more upbeat you will find friends and a partner but you cannot rely solely on others to make you feel complete or happy in yourself.
You've shown your fighting spirit so channel this in trying to make yourself well.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/03/2016 17:39

Think of depression like a horrible pair of glasses. When you are wearing them they make everything look shit, your life, your appearance, your past, your future. It's easy to say thats because it is.

It's only when you take them off that you realise that it was your depression cloaking everything in gloom.

hateflying1 · 06/03/2016 17:55

I think it's important to count one's blessings. Just being physically healthy is a gift. There are always people with less who need help. I watched the story of Tambu (who literally lost half her face through cancer) on TV the other night and thought that actually just being able to move, talk, work etc... is a gift. I say this because I too am prone to depressive thoughts but actually I have a lot to be thankful for. It's easy to forget that sometimes.

What do you do for a living friendly? Do you have time to do any volunteering? That can also be a good way in which to meet people etc... I don't know if this has been mentioned in your thread but have you been to the GP about how down you feel? Maybe counselling would also help?

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 17:58

The thing is Nineties I definitely haven't been depressed my entire adult life and I've still never had a partner.

It does get me down. Not just obvious stuff but there's a big chunk of life I feel I can't access as a result.

OP posts:
hateflying1 · 06/03/2016 17:59

Have read the part where you said you tried counselling once. Does that mean you only went once? Counselling works on a more long term basis than that and you also need to find a counsellor who is a good fit for you.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 18:01

No I went for a long time, about seven/eight months.

Honestly - unpopular view but in hindsight it was a waste of money really.

OP posts:
Chchchchange · 06/03/2016 18:05

I think you should have a baby on your own. I think it would open your world up and bring you a lot of joy (and give you someone else to focus on. I mean that kindly).

When I think about the people I love, they tend to be passionate people. They love reading or they love travelling or they love music, etc. Passion is the most attractive quality in the world. Even some seriously ugly people become beautiful when they have a passion for something.

Do you love anything? If you don't, can you imagine loving something? I'd start there. I love crafts - making something yourself from scratch is easy and yet good for your self-esteem. I taught myself to knit and crochet off youtube. I love playing the piano. I love French films. If you can find one thing, you can build a life from it and get talking to other people who feel the same. It's so much easier building a friendship that way. There are lots of weird people out there. You need to find your weird.

I used to have a huge chip on my shoulder because my life has been very, very tough and very lonely. I think now that I have lots of friends and I've had the kind of serious relationship I used to long for, I can see that few peoples' lives are perfect. So many look happy on the surface but are being abused or have no money or have a mental health problem, blah blah blah. Most people are just doing the best they can. I didn't have a wild youth. I wish I'd had the chance to do more. I'm the same age as you though and all I can do is make what time I have left as enjoyable as possible.

I do hope you go to your doctor. You do sound depressed and there is help out there for that. Sometimes you have to keep trying different things though.

Devilishpyjamas · 06/03/2016 18:08

Foxes

I'm 45. I've spent the past 16 years bringing up a severely disabled child which has meant the things I would have done have fallen by the wayside. (Don't own a passport etc). I have snatched things at time (learned to surf at 40 for example, & met a whole bunch of new people).

Things are shortly to change, which will give me a lot more freedom & time. I fully intend to try lots of new things. Long distance travel won't really be possible but I have signed up for a physical challenge, joined a political party, am poised to join a writing group.... I feel a bit as though I am making up for lost time, but if it isn't too late for me it can't be for you. I'm a decade older! Perhaps we need to start a thread about trting new things. :)

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/03/2016 18:09

This may also be an unpopular view but a course of anti depressants can alter your mindset and help you see things clearly.
It is possible to be depressed and not realise it.
Just a thought.