To request mumsnet to add a 'polyamorous families' section under parenting?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

There's every other kind of family type, pretty much, and polyamorous families have some unique joys and challenges that it would be nice to share and discuss.

Or maybe we're the last frontier and even MN aren't ready to go there.

Yet.

OP - can I just say thank you for this thread.

I am no way near confident enough to have a set-up like this but actually it has really made me think of the benefits of thinking of a relationship as being a constant choice to be with someone and happiness in them and their other relationships - which, of course, I knew but it made me think about it more. My marriage has recently become a bit more difficult and I think this thread has helped me to see it more positively. And to stop a weird slide into possessiveness which I've had - and really dislike in myself.

I'm just curious, and not at all attacking - but how do things like Christmas, Valentine's Day and birthdays work? Is it just more of an extension of 'happy with you here and happy with you being with her' kind of thing. (personally I don't care much about Valentine's Day but Christmas would be more of a thing for me I think).

You don't get half of them though, you get all of them in a different way from a monogamous relationship, plus you have another partner. It's not lesser than a mono relationship, just different.

Plus it's definitely not just all men having their cake and eating it, there are women dating women or multiple male partners (that I've seen) in other poly relationships, this V is just what works for this relationship.

Seems to me all is happening here is you are defending /explaining your way of life.

I would agree with poster who says your DP has an open marriage with some add ons, as you aren't all living together and not everybody knows about eachother, so you are not polyamorous at all.

Not that it detracts from it at all. I'm guessing you started this thread to talk through your issues as it must be sort of lonely.

OP you seem to talk mostly about how you and DP are a permanent fixture and how you have met some of his extended family and friends etc but you don't really mention your relationship with DP's wife and her family.... Would that be because there isn't one apart from you contributing financially towards her family whilst being allowed to shag her husband?

For clarity, people we're 'out' to;
DPs siblings and their partners (and in one case their partners parents!)
DP and OSO's teenage children
DPs mother (although she doesn't approve - mostly due to religious beliefs)
OSOs sibling (OSO had almost zero relationship with her parents so that's not an issue)
My mother (I don't have siblings or much of an extended family and none who I'm close to)
Close friends on both sides including my two closest girl friends - who are my 'family' really.

The only people we'd like or need to be out to that we're not are my children. But that one's been flogged to death on this thread...

BeetrootBettythsnjs for your post. And yes, poly is not for everyone, but I do think there are things that being in a poly relationship forces you to confront and do differently which could be really helpful in any relationship.

As for how we manage valentines and Christmas...

Valentine's is rather silly, but still, even silly things can be a trigger so we're careful. The last two years one of us has gone out with DP on the 13th, one on the 15th and he's gone out with his DD on the 14th. That's worked really well and will probably be what we continue to do.

Christmas is trickier, but not because of the Christmas Day thing (I'm with my children anyway and they don't celebrate Christmas) but because they have, for the last 10 years or so, gone skiing for a lengthy period over Christmas holiday.

And it's funny, I don't struggle with them being away at other times of the year, but I found this last Christmas period in particular, really, really hard. Not helped by me having a bad fall on Christmas Eve and being pretty immobile myself for much of it - my mum came and helped but I really missed DP and OSO being around.

But it was a tough few weeks, and we've agreed we need to do something different next year, but what that is has too many variables at the moment - around my children, primarily.

So no, it's not all Pollyanna, but we just work on the tricky stuff and usually find a way to resolve things eventually.

I don't see why somebody would stay in a 'family' relationship with someone for years and years where they can't introduce that person to their children.

Wouldn't you be better of in a relationship with someone who could be part of your actual family (you and your children)?

It seems that by wanting two adult partners in your family, you've actually ended up with no romantic partner really in your family.

He/they will be almond. It just hasn't happened yet for several important reasons. How it is now is not how it will always be, and the current situation is my choice not theirs.

Thanks for answering Why, I'm sorry - I felt so nosy asking but was just curious.

You all three sound like excellent communicators who seem to avoid getting entrenched and defensive. I think you are right that such admirable qualities are of benefit to most relationships.

Good luck with everything and I hope you get your board and that it is of use.

OP, every time you post more information, instead of cementing the relationship, you are actually highlighting more and more divides.

They don't celebrate Christmas- you do.

They went away for the festive period less than 3 months ago- you were at home.

They have always had some kind of 'variety' in their marriage- you've come out of a controlling marriage.

The key word in all of this this 'they'. 'They' have a history, 'they' have a marriage, 'they' have children, 'they' do things as a couple - you don't seem to have any of that.

Have you ever/ will you ever go away on holiday with this man as a couple- like 'they' do/ have?

It very much sounds as if you are the latest 'fad' in this couples non-traditional relationship, and they are quite likely to move onto the next thing soon, but you are builiding your world around it.

If multiple consenting adults decide to enter into this kind of situation then that's one thing, but doing against the back drop of a controlling ex-h who wants the children is crazy.

I don't think you've convinced a single person on this thread that this relationship is in your best interests, let alone your children's- that's a pretty precarious position to go into battle with your ex from.

So neither of you can handle Valentines day so he goes out with his daughter instead as a way of dressing it all up and avoiding reality?

I think it would be healthier for you if you referred to his wife as his wife. She is absolutely not his 'Other Signifcant Other'

As someone else said- if anything you are.

It's a very valid point about the immobility issue- it's at exactly times like that where a relationship shows its true colours- yours did and look who won.....

Bearbehind fortunately whether I 'convince' anyone on this thread or not is pretty irrelevant to me, and I've been involved in this long enough to know that some people will never be convinced. Some people cannot conceive of the idea of three people working together to build a relationship that works equally well for each of them. Some people cannot accept the idea of anything other than a monogamous relationship to be something that ever works.

A few pages up everyone was convinced it was DP and I hoodwinking a poor, unsuspecting and gullible OSO who was being coerced into accepting this against her will. Now it's me who's being taken advantage of by a predatory couple. I don't understand why it's so hard to imagine that actually we're all intelligent, robust, consenting adults who have chosen a relationship model which is unconventional but works for us.

I decide to start a thread and see if there was anyone else on here in a similar setup or considering it - with whom I might discuss parenting and relationship stuff. I knew there would be a number of robust responses and a lot of questions. I decided, early on in the thread, to answer any which were put to me as honestly and frankly as I was able to. It's helpful to me, actually to know the kinds of questions people have and the kind of assumptions they might make, for a time when we're more widely 'out' that we currently are. And you never know, some people may think about ti a bit more carefully before passing judgement in the future.

We're not perfect. Our circumstances aren't perfect. But we're working on it and we're happy. I love DP and I love OSO, albeit in different ways. I want them to be happy, and I know and trust that they want the same for me.

And yes, DP and I have been on holiday, several times. We're going again at Easter.

As for my ex - it's not a battle I am especially looking forward to. But it is one I am prepared for. Yes, I was in a controlling and deeply unhealthy marriage. But I got myself out, and I got myself sorted. And I'm proud of myself or that and ready for any fight which I need to have. I've fought several already, and I'm here, upright, successful. And I know what I want and what I need and what I don't want.

And our way of doing Valentines is about ensuring it's something a non-issue. It's really no big deal.

Well, bear, we've been referring to OSO as OSO throughout the thread, it'll get confusing if we change that now. And as I've said, if we need to describe our setup to others, that's the terminology that we use. It's supposed to ensure people don't make assumptions about emotional hierarchies that aren't there - but I guess not.

As for coming back at Christmas, a) - he was an 18 hour journey away, b) I wasn't alone, I had my mum and c) I didn't ask him to come back. He offered, and I told him not to be ridiculous.

But it did highlight that it's a difficult time of year for me, generally, and we need to do it differently in future. So we will.

Phequer - you're quite wrong. And you don't want to listen or believe anything I say, so there's really no point in my saying much more to you, is there...

Some people cannot conceive of the idea of three people working together to build a relationship that works equally well for each of them. Some people cannot accept the idea of anything other than a monogamous relationship to be something that ever works

I can. Absolutely. I've seen PA & open relationships work.

But whatever you claim - they are married, you are not, they have a shared history, shared children, shared house, shared life. You are the current project in an open relationship. An outsider, and add-on. No matter how charming, welcoming and friendly they are, this is the practical reality.

I can't say I ever thought the wife was a poor sap, she seemed to know exactly what she was doing - indeed I inferred they'd done this or similar before, which turned out to be the case. I've always thought that you were the one who was deceiving yourself & said so.

At some point, when they move on to a new person/people of interest, you will realise that the posters who warned you were not trying to hurt your feelings, simply trying to alert you to your self-deception.

You have so much more to lose than they do. They will always have each other. You are risking everything emotionally, they're risking nothing. When it comes to the crunch, you're injured and need help, he offers to return, knowing full well you'll never ask him to. As long as your mum's alive and can step in, fine. But when she's not?

I totally understand after a damaging and somewhat abusive marriage that you want to avoid a full time relationship and a part time one suits very well. But a part time relationship should be on equal terms. This, whatever you say to convince yourself, is not. The fallout risks damaging you more perhaps even than your marriage.

More Koppaberg - we use the terms as we each of us see the others as our SOs, it's intended to keep things simple and resolutely non (emotionally) hierarchical.

And yes OSO did offer to come back at Xmas - largely because she's a Dr, so would actually would have been far more practical use than DP! But to have either of them in attendance would have caused problems re my DCs, and as my mum was with me there was really no need.

OP, your setup sounds bloody perfect to me. I'd love to be in a committed relationship but in different houses, where I wasn't the only one my partner relied on for sex or emotional support.