To request mumsnet to add a 'polyamorous families' section under parenting?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

There's every other kind of family type, pretty much, and polyamorous families have some unique joys and challenges that it would be nice to share and discuss.

Or maybe we're the last frontier and even MN aren't ready to go there.

Yet.

Not that I am in or considering a poly relationship, but atm, I'd rather have a 50% partner than a 100%.
I can see the attractiveness.

I don't have kids yet, I'm not sure how I feel about kids in poly relationships. I have been in a poly relationship for a year, I've been with my primary partner two years and we are planning to get married, potentially start a family one day. At this point we would have to discuss the impact having other partners would have on our children. It can and does work though. I love my partners very much, and they are friends. We're all (relatively) normal and living in the UK.

I thought that most people would want their Dh/ DP for 100% of the time, not 50% when he is off sleeping with another woman.

Possibly "most" do. But not "all". You may. I don't. OSO doesn't. DP doesn't.

We all have careers, hobbies, a busy social life, children to raise, books to read, friends to see. It's not like any of us are sitting at home twiddling our thumbs and pining for the person who's not there.

And we only have your word that she is happy with the situation.

You do, I'm afraid, yes. But if you're planning to disbelieve what people write on here then there's not much point in engaging, is there.

Their relationship has been open for years. Well before I came along and for both of them. This relationship is different from previous ones for both of them, but it still means you an exclude them from the "most" category above at the very least.

I think you are deluding yourself.

You can think what you like. You are wrong.

Rousette, I think I have as much - or as little 'emotional security' as anyone in any relationship. You can't guarantee the feelings of any other person 100% forever. People change, needs change, desires change, circumstances change.

I may choose to have a second/third/fourth partner at some point. So might OSO. So might DP. For example. But we have a relationship which can adapt to fit changing needs - it's one of the best things about it.

I do think poly relationships are harder work in some respects though, I'll give you that. You need to take into consideration more than one other persons feelings and needs and that's not always easy. But it means you have to be intentional about it, and do that very consciously. And I think that brings a lot of benefits and security actually. You learn to communicate, well and often and openly, because you have to. And you take few things as a given, because we 're not following a well worn path, we have to think about what we 're doing, why and how at every stage - it's never a case of "because that's what you do". If I ever found myself in a mono relationship again (and I don't think I will) then I'll take those lessons with me, for sure.

As for financial security, I'm perfectly secure all by myself, I don't need anyone's contribution. Our finances are linked because it's the fair thing to do when we share living space, food bills etc. And we're accounted for in each other's wills, for example. But I'm not dependent and intend never to be, on anyone. That's about freedom, and freedom in relationships is so, so important, I think.

if it were me I would be fast forwarding to old age and thinking what might I end up with?

Gosh, it's a good job that no monogamous marriages ever come to an end, otherwise this would look like a very silly statement.

I still don't see how the kids' custody issue is a poly issue.

If your exDH is a fanatical, vindictive twat, what's to say that if you were in a mono relationship he still wouldn't kick up a stink about your new partner and go for custody?

im not sure a poly board would help massively as no one else has posted on this thread who is in very similar circumstances.

It really is most unusual to be financially linked to and catered for in each other's wills when they haven't even met your kids

Yes I can be silly

But what I think I mean is - there is someone out there for the OP with a big big say in what might happen later on in her life. If it's just husband and wife, it's the two of you to sort out the problems that might arise. OP doesn't have that, she has someone else (OSO) who has a say in her life too. I might like the OSO if I had one, but I would feel I wasn't as in control of everything as I would wish to be.
still not expressing what I mean very well, I've had

Thanks OP for your post in reply to me, I am finding it interesting.

Yeahnottoobad - oh he absolutely would, as he doesn't believe we're divorced in the eyes of God... Or ever will be.

The difference is with any normal/mono relationship the courts would tell him he's being a fanatical vindictive twat. But unfortunately the legal view of poly is less clear cut.

Rousette, the thing is you're talking about emotional control.

And I don't believe we ever have control over what someone else might feel. Now or in the future. Even someone close to us.

It might be easier to maintain the illusion of control within a typical marriage, but is that something to be aimed for or desired?

Phequer, yes, I can, but we've been over and over this...

Can you really honestly not see how peculiar it is that you are financially tied to this couple, written for in their wills, and yet your own kids haven't met them?

I agree. It's very odd. And I still don't get how being poly has necessitated such a binding legal measure.

No explanation you've offered makes sense.

Essentially though, to all intents and purposes...you are not in a poly relationship. He is. You are just mates with his wife.

Interesting point OP. I sort of get what you're saying. But I still think there is someone out there (OSO) who has a say in what happens which wouldn't happen in a typical marriage. It's just another element that I, personally, would feel uncomfortable with. But it's not my life, it's yours, and you're happy with it so for me... back to the

Rousette, the thing is, it's not like OSO is some remote figure, separate from my relationship.

This is the poly aspect that I think people find hard to grasp. I do not have a sexual/romantic relationship with OSO, but I do consider myself to be in a relationship with her which is beyond an ordinary friendship as our lives are bound up with each other's.

So I'm just trusting two people with whom I'm having a relationship, not one person with whom I'm having a relationship and a distant third party only looking out for her own interests at my expense.

Just imagine I'm fucking her too if it makes it easier.

(Because whether I am or not is irrelevant - plenty of good, happy functioning relationships aren't sexual.)

Phequer I know I do. Made some big strides last week with my solicitor actually - your posts got me moving my arse a bit

Just really bracing myself for impact with EXH now.

Deep breath and all that.

I get that OP, I just think... when the chips are down, it is her DH and her DCs that will count, not you. You are dispensible if you get my meaning?

(I don't mean this as harsh as it sounds, I promise. I'm just intrigued by all of this having witnessed and encountered 'different to the norm' type relationships)

Other forum suggestion:

Reddit has several polyamory sub forums, including poly families, polyamory, solo polyamory, non-monogomy, sex positive.

people posting are not all UK, but some are

That's about trust really isn't it. And about valuing oneself and one's relationship.

And we all need to do that... But yes, I think in poly relationships you work particularly hard on trust because a lot of what we do and how we do it relies on a great deal of it.

Without it OSO might fear being replaced. I might fear being surplus to requirements. DP might fear either of us preferring a 100% share of someone else's time rather than 50% of his. We've worked through all of those things together and more besides, and will probably continue to do so on and off.

But because we've done the work and continue to do the work trust isn't the huge problem for us that you might imagine.

Rousette, thinking on, I think I would add though that perhaps it helps to have pretty robust self-esteem to choose this path. I think someone with issues around self worth would potentially find poly an emotional minefield. And would need to do some serious work to make a success of it and be happy.

Thankfully I know I'm quite the catch.

And so does OSO.

(It's actually more that the breakdown of my marriage precipitated a lot of work on that. Feckin' years of it. And OSO is practically a brain surgeon (literally) so she really has nothing to prove to anyone!)

Whybehappy - thanks for the reddit nod, I'll have a look.

I still like MN though. It feels like home. (You know, regular rows, family members you can't stand, dirty laundry on the bathroom floor...)