To request mumsnet to add a 'polyamorous families' section under parenting?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

There's every other kind of family type, pretty much, and polyamorous families have some unique joys and challenges that it would be nice to share and discuss.

Or maybe we're the last frontier and even MN aren't ready to go there.

Yet.

I second Reddit. I've known others who use it as a valuable source.

I guess that's another things I take issue with/find odd..you referring to his WIFE as his OSO! She's not his Other Significant Other, she is his WIFE! Wife and mother of his children. He has chosen to commit to her and she'll always be more important.

Unless it gets even more messy and he ends up divorcing her for you!

Triptrap - it's just how we all refer to each other. It's easier and it's what we've chosen to do until/unless the UK Govt legalises plural marriage. She's my OSO too. I'm hers.

And if DP suggested he might divorce her I'd be livid, and he wouldn't by any means end up with me, in that sceanario. He knows that. It would be a huge breach of trust, and one which would deeply hurt a dear friend.One of the things we talk about is what would happen if any one of the three relationships went wrong, because it's potentially catastrophic for the other two, any which way around. I'm not sure how/if we'd ever get past something like that. So none of us want that, which is why we're all invested in making all the relationships as good and successful as they can be.

As for one being more important - it's like saying your first born child is more important, it just doesn't make any sense. Our relationships are different, granted, but there's simply no need for an emotional hierarchy.

But Triptrap, you seem quite content with your version of our relationship, baseless though it is, so I think I'll just have to leave you with it TBH.

IRL of course we use each other's names, mostly. So it's even less of an issue.

Ok, but if it wasn't important and didn't mean anything above another relationship, why did he marry her?

Because at the time they were on the good old mono-normative escalator and it's what you DO. A lot if things have changed for them since, they opened their relationship a few years after their marriage.

Coming from a point of curiousity OP, can I ask... do you ever talk with him about what sex is like with the OSO?!

OK I'm a juvenile for asking but surely you do... experimenting with different positions etc. sort of him saying "I tried this with OSO, and it was great, shall we give it a go?!"

Or do you talk with OSO about his prowess - it sounds as if you and her are very close, how can you not talk about it? I am genuinely curious. And how can you resist not all getting it on together, I know you've said you and her don't get jiggy but you don't have to in a threesome as I know from experience a very long time ago!

I know I'm lowering the tone significantly so do tell me to bog off

Phequer, of course our relationships are different in all kinds of ways. But we, like many poly people, are resolute that whatever practical or obvious external circumstances that exist, that we don't have an emotional hierarchy in our relationships. If we have anything like a hard and fast rule, then that's it. We don't talk or think in terms of primary/secondary because that's not how it is emotionally.

Rousette - we do, a bit... DP is very careful not to break confidences, and it's important, even within a poly setup, that the individuals/couples within it have some privacy, and some things which are just between them.

So yes, it's more likely to be OSO and I talking about it than either of us with DP. We're more likely to talk about stuff we've got up to in the past than what we did last night.

No desire on either side for OSO and I to 'get jiggly'! She's 100% straight, for a start (I'm a little less equivocal on that) but we're just not attracted to each other like that. Never say never, but I'd say it's highly unlikely.

We've shared a bed once, but it was after a really busy, long day and all any of us wanted to do was sleep! (PJs all round...)

It really is less about sex and rampant orgies that most people imagine!

Mostly we talk about work, children, households, books, yoga, philosophy, food, holidays, where to get a really good massage...

I'm not Phequer.

But it's a separate thing, and while it is obviously something which ties him emotionally to OSO, and is a very important aspect to their relationship, it doesn't defacto mean an emotionally primary/secondary setup.

After all, I'm emotionally tied to my EXH by the fact we have children together, but we have no relationship at all beyond a practical "who is having the DCs and when, and who's got the wellies".

Thanks for the reply... interesting... I suppose it's like any marriage when as time goes by lust/sex isn't at the forefront and all that settles down.

I do feel however that he is the one who's quids in, he has two sexual partners to choose from, a bit cake and eat it. I know you all like and respect each other etc but for instance, if I was really down through pressures of real life and stuff, I would end up feeling resentful of him and his perfect arrangement of being able to have a choice of two women in his life. For instance, when I really needed him, he might not be there for me because he is with her. I know you would say he or she would rush round but sometimes circs might just not allow that for whatever reason.

You both might be totally different characters so he can have the best bits of each of you - when one of you is getting on his nerves (that happens to everyone) he can just shoot off and have the best bit of the other one. I would resent that I think. He is leading a charmed life!

Perhaps you have to be remarkably unselfish to make this work (you two women, not him). I don't see that he has to be, but you two really do. I'd be far too selfish to accept another women impacting on my life so much, even if I liked her.

No answer needed, just me musing.

Phequer: "But if you're not talking about it, the sex you each like, and you and his wife aren't going to get jiggy, then what's the difference between your current poly set up, as you call it, and an open marriage?"

I think it's to do with the depth of relationship between OSO and I - and that's not about whether we're sexual with each other or not.

Most open marriages that I'm aware of don't see the two partners of the pivot if having a district relationship, they just co-exist, they don't relate as individuals.

I met DP and OSO at the same time, and our relationships developed at the same time, initially I was closer to OSO. And so I see our relationship - perhaps because if the way things started - as a distinct entity which goes beyond the fact we both have DP in common.

And we spend a fair bit of time the three of us together - again, not many 'open marriages' do that, as far as I know.

And we do talk about sex, just not as much as we talk about food and yoga.

Rousette, sadly for DP he very much gets all of both of us, and not just the good bits. It's a bloody good job he's an emotionally robust individual really.

His brother - who I get on really well with - often wonders aloud where DP gets the energy - and he's not referring to sexual energy.

And if you ever think he had it easy, bear in mind he has relationships with two women in their mid forties. There's every chance we'll go through menopause at the same time.

(not always sexual at all!! - people always assume that. Nope)

Op has already said the man wants to have a threesome but that she is not open to that.

It's the sexist element that gets me. This man being too awesome for one woman alone, but the women can only cope with half of him/half of a relationship.

Op please get into a further relationship with another man and then ask original man and new man for a threesome. And report back

They maybe it's just as simple as a different choice of terminology then Phequer.

No offence meant, but it does all sound quite pollyanna. You must have irritations with each other, you must get on each others tits sometimes, you must have resentment of him or her at times, because not to do so is not normal. Perhaps people in this sort of relationship put more effort in, dunno... I just couldn't be arsed but if it works for you, fair dos but still worrying about sorting out your DCs and EXH.