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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children will fit in around OUR lives, not the other way around?

625 replies

HonestQuestion · 05/03/2016 06:59

I am sure I'm going to get flamed for this but maybe there will be some good advice too! (I have NCd)

DH and I were talking last night about how we intend to bring up children. We have seen friends and family where DC rule the roost - everything is organised around the children. The children aren't ever left to their own devices to play; the parents are constantly playing with them and distracting them with activities. The TV is always switched to children's channels, not the news or anything adult. Evenings with the family have to be run on the children's schedule for naps and snacks and feeding.

Even when they are in bed, the mums are held hostage to the DC speaking over the walkout talkie and summoning them to the bedroom plenty of times before they finally go to sleep. We meet up with our friends for lunch or dinner or a day out, and always seem to come home not really having had much of a chat or catch up with our friends - because the day or evening is always all about the children - we all have to be in their thrall!

It seems the experience of raising a child these days is so far removed from how DH and I were brought up. We remember being left to our own devices to play, watching the news and learning about the world from it, we remember that the adults ruled the house - my dad would never have dreamed of having kids' TV on all evening when he got home from work!

And it's so far removed from how we want to raise our children. We don't want to lose 'who we are' and what we find interesting. A friend of ours said on FB the other day that she is going on a mini break and leaving her DC alone overnight for the first time in 3 years! I can't imagine being like that! And I can't imagine having a DC, meeting up with friends but spending that time constantly entertaining the children.

AWBU? I have my hard hat ready... Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
HonestQuestion · 05/03/2016 06:59

*walkie talkie

OP posts:
Original poster
HonestQuestion · 05/03/2016 07:01

I forgot to add, My mum would never have dreamed of leaving a dinner party at 7pm because it was my bedtime. I would fall asleep in my pram or upstairs in someone's bed while the party continued. Then bundled up and taken home at the end of the night. This is how we would like to parent too, but that isn't how it seems to be these days. Social occasions have to be run on the child's schedule and it all just seems so indulgent!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 05/03/2016 07:02

It sounds like you have a rather idealistic view or even a "children should be seen and not heard" view.

Of course having children will change things, that's not a bad thing though!

ILikeUranus · 05/03/2016 07:03

Hahahahahahahahahaha. Some friends said this when they were pregnant and we burst out laughing. After they had the baby they understood why. It's fine to have that as an aspiration, just see how it goes.

Duckdeamon · 05/03/2016 07:03
Grin
allegretto · 05/03/2016 07:04

It will be a compromise as always. My youngest gets nightmares watching the news so we never have it on. I wish my kids could roam the neighbourhood and play outside like I did but they can't - this very much depends in where you live though.some things you can control but others not!

topcat2014 · 05/03/2016 07:04

We used to watch supernanny before our child was born - how we laugh now at what we used to think.

The thing is, children are not vacant vessels willing to take on everything you say. They develop strong personalities and willpower - that is how they develop.

There should be boundaries - but, honestly, why have children if you don't also want the major changes that go with it.

Goatcoat · 05/03/2016 07:04

Oh do please report back once you've got children!

Cerseirys · 05/03/2016 07:04

You are going to get flamed I'm afraid. But tbh we've made DS fit into our lives, rather than vice versa, to a certain extent. There are some compromises, eg, we don't go out to dinner anymore but we go out to brunch or lunch with him instead. And it all depends on the child. You may have a child who sleeps anywhere, or you may have a child who has to have their naps in their cot. And if they miss out on their naps you may regret it!

As to leaving the, overnight, that depends on whether you've got someone reliable who you can leave them with. We don't, so we haven't.

SanityClause · 05/03/2016 07:04

All I can say is, you may have the intention to do things one way, but once you have DC, things may well move off in a different direction to what you expect.

This could well have happened with your friends who have children, too.

Best to be flexible in your approach, and not be too judgy of other people, until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

I'm not saying your way won't work, just accept that in real life things don't always go the way we plan.

Choughed · 05/03/2016 07:04

Just do us a favour OP and print out your post. Read it when your PFB is 3 then come back and report how much you have stuck to your plans Smile

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 05/03/2016 07:04

I haven't got kids but even I think you're deluded!

EcclefechanTart · 05/03/2016 07:05

I had lots of grand ideas before I had children too Wink

feckitall · 05/03/2016 07:05
Grin Good luck! I too thought like that..to an extent it was easier when DC were young..children's tv was only on after school anyway.. But We all have idealistic thoughts of parenting before dc!
Booboostwo · 05/03/2016 07:05

I'll take a guess that you do not have DCs. You don't need a hard hat, just have a DC and resurrect this, then, zombie thread, to apologize.

Duckdeamon · 05/03/2016 07:06

Your memories are probably not of being a baby or toddler.

Your Mum's tales might not be entirely accurate.

Have you got plenty of money (taking into account any drop in income from maternity leave, working PT, childcare etc) and / or local relatives who would help? If so and your DC are OK sleepers (mine were not) you might have a better chance of "getting out more"!

Cerseirys · 05/03/2016 07:06

Also, I don't know anyone like your friends, whose lives revolve around their kids to that extent. Are you sure you're not exaggerating?

hesterton · 05/03/2016 07:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HonestQuestion · 05/03/2016 07:06

Ha, fully prepared for the flaming, I won't take it to heart!

I guess in a way we don't fit into the recent parenting school of 'children have to be your best friend'. We want to parent them, not become chums.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2016 07:08

Yes well good luck with all that OP. Hope it all goes well.

wonkylampshade · 05/03/2016 07:08

I more or less did this with dd1, and dd2 has fit in around everything too. They were both pretty easy, adaptable babies and not all babies are like that so I think I was just lucky in that respect. My DSis had two extremely challenging babies and could simply not have gone about her life expecting them to just fit in.

I do agree with you about kids tv on and constant entertainment - we almost never have tv on and they are very happy playing and doing their own thing.

WittgensteinsBunny · 05/03/2016 07:08

😂😂😂 I wish you all the very best of luck!

Original poster
HonestQuestion · 05/03/2016 07:08

Cerseirys Sadly not exaggerating. We spent some extended time with some friends recently and yet both independently walked away thinking, "all that time and we never had a proper chat and catch up together". I was thinking it and DH was thinking it but we both never said anything to each other about it until last night. So it's on my mind :)

OP posts:
gingerdad · 05/03/2016 07:09

When I read your headline I thought I would be flaming but from the description YNBU.

Are life changed when we had kids but they have never taken over in the way described. Had nights away etc from about 3 months old. One example their in bed they're in bed and would never have put up with a walkie talkie. TV was off most the time and defiantly no kids TVs and tea.

Kids need and enjoy rules and boundaries, they need to learn to play and entertain themselves along side playing with each other and or parents.

Our two are fairly close together in age and maybe we where lucky that they love playing with each other.

And as for sleep overs again first time as about a year old. Have also left them to sleepover at parties and have had parties here where serval kids slept over and collected the next day.

EnglishGirlApproximately · 05/03/2016 07:09

I think it really depends on the child tbh. DS plays alone and we don't run around after him but some things do revolve around him. If he's kept up late he doesn't sleep at all and would never fall asleep in a buggy so in your scenario, we would have had a manic, crying toddler with a broken sleep pattern to deal with for days. Parties don't sound so appealing in that context do they?
Likewise with nights out. You might have someone happy to care for kids overnight regularly so you can maintain a social life but it's a bit blinkered to assume that everyone does. Lastly, you have no idea how you will feel when you do have kids. You might want to stay in with them and do kids stuff. You might enjoy revolving your life around them -until they arrive you won't know.