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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children will fit in around OUR lives, not the other way around?

625 replies

HonestQuestion · 05/03/2016 06:59

I am sure I'm going to get flamed for this but maybe there will be some good advice too! (I have NCd)

DH and I were talking last night about how we intend to bring up children. We have seen friends and family where DC rule the roost - everything is organised around the children. The children aren't ever left to their own devices to play; the parents are constantly playing with them and distracting them with activities. The TV is always switched to children's channels, not the news or anything adult. Evenings with the family have to be run on the children's schedule for naps and snacks and feeding.

Even when they are in bed, the mums are held hostage to the DC speaking over the walkout talkie and summoning them to the bedroom plenty of times before they finally go to sleep. We meet up with our friends for lunch or dinner or a day out, and always seem to come home not really having had much of a chat or catch up with our friends - because the day or evening is always all about the children - we all have to be in their thrall!

It seems the experience of raising a child these days is so far removed from how DH and I were brought up. We remember being left to our own devices to play, watching the news and learning about the world from it, we remember that the adults ruled the house - my dad would never have dreamed of having kids' TV on all evening when he got home from work!

And it's so far removed from how we want to raise our children. We don't want to lose 'who we are' and what we find interesting. A friend of ours said on FB the other day that she is going on a mini break and leaving her DC alone overnight for the first time in 3 years! I can't imagine being like that! And I can't imagine having a DC, meeting up with friends but spending that time constantly entertaining the children.

AWBU? I have my hard hat ready... Grin

OP posts:
witsender · 05/03/2016 07:36

Agree with Bathtime. Kids are people, equal to us in all respects. You don't get to have them and put their needs and desires secondary to your own, their has to be a balance. I don't want my two watching the news etc, they don't have the skills to deal with world horrors just yet and nor do I want them to. As such, if the TV ever goes on during the day it is something suitable for the most vulnerable members of the family.

I don't think the detached mode of parenting favoured by many of the previous generations is anything to aspire to tbh.

Fraggled · 05/03/2016 07:37

Just going to leave this here :)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/2584078-24-hours-in-the-life-of-parents-of-a-newborn

Katenka · 05/03/2016 07:38

Oh and me and dh are lucky enough to get time alone. We work from home together. So if we can arrange it we do the cinema during the day.

We have a few nights out a year and mum and dad takes the kids away for the week in the summer.

We both have hobbies too.

Personally I think planning a strict way you will parents is a recipe for disaster. Children are individuals. What works for one doesn't work for all.

Original poster
HonestQuestion · 05/03/2016 07:38

I'm all for bribery Witchend Grin

And yes, more than happy to come and update in a couple of years!

I wouldn't say I 'judge' other people's parenting; I just think it's not how I'd like to parent. I'm not saying it's inherently wrong, just that it's not what I/we would like to go for.

OP posts:
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 05/03/2016 07:39

OP, it's child free people like you that make going out with kids even more stressful. I'd love to be able to go out for lunch with my child free friends and not be cow towing to my 2 year old and five year old. Unfortunately my two year old can't ask for food or change his own nappy, nor will I let my five year old go to a public loo on her own. And what sort of message does it send to your children if you just ignore them?
We're not in the Victorian ages - it's not 'seen and not heard' any more.
Feel free to come back and tell us how it goes when you're suffering from PND, had no sleep, trying to balance your life.

seaweed123 · 05/03/2016 07:40

Are you remembering your own childhood as an 8 year old, and comparing your friend's 3 year olds to that? Have you discussed this subject with your own mum?

You might find that she pandered to you a lot more than you think she did.

I think you should maybe adjust your expectations of how demanding young children can be, or you might be in for a shock. You might get lucky and have an easy child how plays on own happily. Or you might not.

Original poster
HonestQuestion · 05/03/2016 07:40

Ah Seeyou that made me smile Smile

OP posts:
honkinghaddock · 05/03/2016 07:40

All our holidays, days out, meals out etc have to work for ds otherwise he will become distressed. His needs have to come first.

notyourmummy · 05/03/2016 07:41

I suppose we do fit most things around our child - if we eat out as a family it's at his mealtimes rather than ours and I haven't had a night away (he's 5 soon). But, they're little for such a short time, we chose to have a child and to do everything we can to look after him - in 10 years he will be off doing his own thing most of the time and we can please ourselves.

BeaufortBelle · 05/03/2016 07:41

Everyone else has said it. It takes a little while to understand it's easier to go with the flow and fit your life around their routine than vice versa.

There can be boundaries though. We never had children's TV after tea and baths. We had one who didn't sleep though and went to bed when we did but he had to understand the concept of "grown up" time after 7.30pm.

Dinners out don't work if you have a baby who simply won't settle or who is unwell.

I thought babies went to sleep at seven and it was all about parent imposed routines Blush

Coconutty · 05/03/2016 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patterkiller · 05/03/2016 07:42

I was you op many years ago. And no I didn't allow my life to become all about my children, I still made sure I had nights out on occasion child free.

However what I didn't expect when I had my baby is that I fell completely in love with her and I wanted To spend time with her. I loved spending hours crafting and baking or watching Finding Nemo. All these things I would have scoffed at before she came along.

It's not that you will have a random child that you have been given to look after. It's biology that makes you actually quite like your offspring.

Original poster
HonestQuestion · 05/03/2016 07:42

NNalreadyinuse Yes! I agree with everything in your post. You have probably worded it better than I did. Life does not have to revolve around the children, and nor should it.

OP posts:
OohMavis · 05/03/2016 07:42

All children 'fit' into your life. They have to. You don't have children and then suddenly become a hermit who doesn't do the weekly shop, or go to work, or run errands - they go with you, even when meeting friends for lunch Hmm

You adjust your life because children are not and should not be expected to behave like adults, they're individuals with their own needs and desires that deserve respect. You may have enjoyed being shut away whenever your parents felt like it (what was enjoyable to you as a child about being banished upstairs while the adults got pissed downstairs anyway? I hated it) but I really, truly doubt you'll be keen to do that to your own kid, ultimately.

Times have changed. Attitudes have changed. People now realise that becoming a parent often means a change to their carefree lifestyle. I don't see how that's a bad thing.

caravanista · 05/03/2016 07:42

Children aren't a blank canvass for parents to create. They arrive with their own little quirks and personalities which parents need to nurture and develop. You have no way of knowing what your children will need from you but I hope you're flexible enough to listen to them.

PennyHasNoSurname · 05/03/2016 07:43

So you go to a dinner party. With a baby. Bear in mind you probably cant be arsed to go by the time it comes round. You pack up all the baby shite, get to a friends house, coo over the baby for half an hour, then off you trot upstairs to settle the baby, who wont settle as they are out of sorts. So it takes best part of an hour wheeeling them round in the buggy to get them over, by which time the hosts are onto the main course. Or worse, sitting infront of cold starters wondering where the hell you are and why you couldnt have just got a babysitter or met for lunch like other parents do.

You cant drink as one of you is on baby duty. You are on alert for baby crying. The conversation turns to the happenings in Brazil or Ireland yet you cant join in as the hormonal changes mean the news has you sobbing into your lukewarm brew.

You leave as soon as the baby stirs as frankly this isnt what you imagined. And you know you will be awake for feeds at 1/5am.

But yeah. A baby just fits in Grin

Good luck OP!

OliviaBenson · 05/03/2016 07:43

I feel exactly like you OP. Which is why we decided not to have children. It just wouldn't work and I feel I'd have to give up too much of myself.

TrueBlu · 05/03/2016 07:43

Good luck with that GrinGrinGrin

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 05/03/2016 07:43

You need your life to revolve around your children to a certain extent. Children are all different and with different needs.
When you feel that overwhelming love for them and want the best for them then you'll prioritise them when you need to.
However, you don't need to give up everything to do this. You just find the best way to live your life.
Dh and I still enjoy a social life. Our kids are expected to entertain themselves at times. We take them to places we want to go to too.
Our kids don't 'rule the roost' as you put it but we do consider them as people and part of the family and they're not ignored.
It's good to have an idea of what kind of parents you want to be but really, you'll only ever know when you have children yourself.

Original poster
HonestQuestion · 05/03/2016 07:44

Coconutty I NC every couple of weeks anyway, but even so, I thought it might be a bit identifying... and if I did get loads of eggs thrown at me then I can slink away quietly Wink

OP posts:
ApocalypseSlough · 05/03/2016 07:44

Meh. There's a lot of truth in what you describe. But what you're missing is what you'll feel. Your friends probably wanted to talk to their children rather than you and the TV might have been on children's channels to distract the children so they could talk to you.
And the time away? Practical reasons like cost and the sheer faff of organising childcare make minibreaks just not that attractive.
Be careful. Very few parents have children and carry on regardless with their own social life, immaculate home and hobbies. I've got older children and the families that didn't revolve around the children at least until primary school age are pretty fucked up: the children are unhappy or the marriage didn't survive the enormous strain of maintaining a pre hold social life and self managing disconnected children.
But don't worry. No one makes parents' lives revolve around the children. You'll do it because you'll want to, maybe with routines about self settling and not interrupting the grown ups and not having CBeebies on all day and that's fine too.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/03/2016 07:44

You already have it all figured out HonestQuestion, so you will be just fine! :)

Deletetheheat · 05/03/2016 07:45

In my experience, smug, judgemental people like you turn out to the most precious, irritating parents once they actually have kids of their own!

On the whole, people with the arrogance to think that they know how on earth they will fare and behave with such a huge life changing experience as having kids are the ones who come a cropper.

You will probably be one of those mums who has a detailed birth plan and the opposite will happen and you will feel utterly out of control.

You don't know:
If you will fall pregnant at all
If it takes years for you to fall pregnant
What your pregnancy will be like
What your birth will be like
Whether you or your baby are ill during or after childbirth
Whether your baby will be disabled or have SEN
Whether your baby will be a good sleeper or one that never sleeps
Whether you will have a baby that never stops crying
Whether you will have PND
How your dh will react to a baby
How it will affect your marriage
How it will affect your body
How it will affect your finances

All that said, I agree that there is a ridiculous amount of child-centred behaviour these days and yes some people not only let their children rule their lives unnecessarily but it also rules their friends and families' lives too by proxy.

My dh have always had a full social life and both worked FT so we are hardly ones who have let the kids take over our lives - but guess what...THEY STILL DO!

hiyahen · 05/03/2016 07:45

When I was pregnant we swore we'd never have kids in our bed and we wouldn't give the baby a dummy. I'm lying in bed with my husband, and my son is in the middle of us snoring happily with a dummy in his mouth.

But... I'm happier than ever looking over at the two of them, I enjoy my morning cuddles and my nipples aren't hurt from the amount of sucking DS is doing on his dummy instead of on them. So some things are worth changing your mind over.

The reality is a baby DOES change your life and some opinions you have now will change too. However whilst I have compromised on some of the nitty gritty parenting decisions, mine and my husband's core values haven't changed so my DS will still turn out to be a good person (I hope!!)... Even if I do succumb to begging him to sleep via walkie talkie when he's a bit older!

Mashasbear · 05/03/2016 07:45

Why have children if you don't want your life to change?! There will be additional PEOPLE in your family, people who will have their own personalities, quirks and wants. Of course that will change the dynamic.

My life does revolve around the children at the moment, because I want it to. I'm also very aware of how fast they are growing and know there'll be plenty of time to watch the news when they fly the nest.