Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children will fit in around OUR lives, not the other way around?

625 replies

HonestQuestion · 05/03/2016 06:59

I am sure I'm going to get flamed for this but maybe there will be some good advice too! (I have NCd)

DH and I were talking last night about how we intend to bring up children. We have seen friends and family where DC rule the roost - everything is organised around the children. The children aren't ever left to their own devices to play; the parents are constantly playing with them and distracting them with activities. The TV is always switched to children's channels, not the news or anything adult. Evenings with the family have to be run on the children's schedule for naps and snacks and feeding.

Even when they are in bed, the mums are held hostage to the DC speaking over the walkout talkie and summoning them to the bedroom plenty of times before they finally go to sleep. We meet up with our friends for lunch or dinner or a day out, and always seem to come home not really having had much of a chat or catch up with our friends - because the day or evening is always all about the children - we all have to be in their thrall!

It seems the experience of raising a child these days is so far removed from how DH and I were brought up. We remember being left to our own devices to play, watching the news and learning about the world from it, we remember that the adults ruled the house - my dad would never have dreamed of having kids' TV on all evening when he got home from work!

And it's so far removed from how we want to raise our children. We don't want to lose 'who we are' and what we find interesting. A friend of ours said on FB the other day that she is going on a mini break and leaving her DC alone overnight for the first time in 3 years! I can't imagine being like that! And I can't imagine having a DC, meeting up with friends but spending that time constantly entertaining the children.

AWBU? I have my hard hat ready... Grin

OP posts:
allegretto · 05/03/2016 07:09

It depends so much on the child - with ds1 he slept anywhere so it was easy to fit him into what we wanted to do - the other2 not so much. For me the big difference is not having the frreedom to play outside. I have to take my children to the park every single day and I hate that - certainly easier for my mum in thst respect as she just chucked us out the door!

Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2016 07:09

Why the name change?

RomComPhooey · 05/03/2016 07:10

I don't even know where to begin with your post, so I'll just point out that its best not to judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes. Our early years with our kids were very child focussed at evenings and weekends because we both work full-time and they were in day nursery all week. It was our only time to bond as a family and socialise our children, if you know what I mean. If you grew up in the 70s or 80s, a lot more families had a SAHM then, so family was less squished into the time around work. Your Dad also didn't "not let" you watch kids' TV in the evenings - there wasn't any, except for about 2 hours in the late afternoon on weekdays and Saturday mornings! The world's moved on...

confusedandemployed · 05/03/2016 07:11

Actually I think the best way is somewhere in between. I love my DD to distraction but I still have my own life: we use a baby sitterand go out without her in the evening - and have since she was 6 weeks old. She goes to grandparents house for sleepovers and we leave her to play on her own a lot (although still spend plenty of time playing with her).
But - cbeebies is usually on if we're home in the day (rare) and she watches a bit of TV before bed. If she's not paying attention we switch over though. On rainy days she needs more interaction (cake making, den building, painting etc) but as she gets older I suppose that will change (she's 3).
By and large she has fit in with our life - but that's not to say our lives haven't changed hugely since she was born.

WipsGlitter · 05/03/2016 07:11

I think you are right and I do have kids. Friend who had to schedule every activity around her children's nap times. Friend who is such a pushover her kids are still up at 10pm. Martyr mummies who won't leave their kids to get their hair cut / go shopping / enjoy a coffee in peace.

Yes there are compromises but some parents do take it to an extreme.

Duckdeamon · 05/03/2016 07:12

Your friend going away for the first time might have had any number of reasons for not doing so before. Why are you judging her?

One might, for example, get PND, not have money, not have childcare, DH might not turn out to be a great partner or father, DC might be a poor sleeper, have health issues (eg reflux) or additional needs.

Adult activities, eg leisurely lunch out or at someone's house, even more so evening meals, are very dull and frustrating indeed for small DC and before a certain age very few will amuse themselves quietly while their parents enioy adult company. To see friends alone parents will be shelling out £££ for childcare, before the cost of going out.

pippistrelle · 05/03/2016 07:13

I can't imagine being like that!

No, that's the thing - you can't. But it's probably best not to have too rigid an idea about how you'll be, how your children will be: because however you think it will be, it probably won't. And, you know what, it is entirely possible that you won't want to spend nights/weekends away from your children because they will be your favourite people ever.

Things will be different but you won't be any less you and you don't have to be subsumed by your children: there is a happy medium to be found.

gingerdad · 05/03/2016 07:13

We've pushed a pram home quite a few times after parties when dd1 was very small. Now 15 so now babysits others kids.

ArmchairTraveller · 05/03/2016 07:14

Good theory, be prepared to adapt along the way if you do have children.
Flexibility and compromise make the whole experience easier IMO.

SanityClause · 05/03/2016 07:15

Something else to point out.

Parents often reeeeally like spending their time doing things with their children.

They might well prefer their DC's company to yours.

GreenRug · 05/03/2016 07:15

I was exactly the same as you op, and i was serious! No way was having a baby going to change my life etc etc. 3 kids later I can reliably inform you it's the most earth shattering change to your life you will probably ever experience! I think going into it with a bit of an open mind will help, things may work out as you plan but then again they may not. As a pp says, alot of how we were raised is just not 'acceptable' anymore. I spent most evenings after school and from dawn til dusk during the holidays parading around my London council estate, knocking for my mates, having a great time. Would I let me child who's nearly the same age I was then play out with such licence to roam free these days? No bloody way. As for the television, we are a kids television house hold, when you've got in from work and done the tea, got them changed etc etc it can be a life saver ţo know a certain programme is going to have them all glued for 15 minutes (if you're lucky...!).

mewkins · 05/03/2016 07:15

OP I think every single parent to be thinks like you. No one intends to be held hostage to their kids. Unfortunately children are exhausting and utterly time consuming (as well as all the positives) and at the end of the day you will literally do everything and anything to get them to sleep! And annoyingly the trick to that is doing things consistently.

sandgrown · 05/03/2016 07:15

When my older children were born we were running a business so we were always around but they had to "fit in" to our lifestyle as far as possible. We were lucky they were easy babies. When my surprise baby came in my fourties the others were adults and our lifestyle had changed. The little one was very welcome but he fit into our lifestyle. We are very lucky that we have always had family available to babysit. I have a close friend who has made her children the total focus of her life , never leaving them or having a weekend away, now they are older and going their own way she is totally lost.

Believeitornot · 05/03/2016 07:16

I would like to know how you leave a climbing 2 year old to play all by themselves without using a playpen or stair gate, for example.

I quite like my children so spend time with them. As they get older, they're happier to play alone or with each other but call me or dh if they want us to join a bit.

How will you teach them about social niceties and how to resolve conflict if you're not on hand to guide them?

We have rules etc about bedtimes and this helps.

I imagine you're on of those silent judgy types around your friends with children. They're probably a bit stressed and the children play up a bit when you're around hence you not seeing them on their better behaviour.

I wish you well in parenthood see you on here at 3am when your baby doesn't follow SWMNBN

diploddycus · 05/03/2016 07:16

Playing with them is parenting them OP.

Artandco · 05/03/2016 07:17

Ours have fitted into our life's rather than the other way around. If we need to go somewhere to do something they just come with us.

honkinghaddock · 05/03/2016 07:17

I think it depends upon the child you get. Ds has severe sn so everything we do is based around him.

merseyside · 05/03/2016 07:18

Yeah good luck with that.

Your post about "parenting schools of thought" is naive. 99% of parents just get on with it - the idea of doing something to a prescribed philosophy is ridiculous.

I have an acquaintance like you who is currently pg. bless her cotton socks she's so determined to be "cool" she's going on and on about how they'll still be snowboarding, skydiving and going out.

I just smile. I hope it works out like that for her I really do, but I worry about people who have such a rigid idea of how they'll do it. The idea of illness, disability, post natal depression hasn't occurred to her....

Artandco · 05/03/2016 07:20

Believe - I think ours must have just be law abiding. If at 2 years they started climbing somewhere they shouldn't we just removed and said no climbing and they wouldn't repeat. Hence no need for gates/ playpen a here
Dh and I have both worked from home last 6+ years. We had children at home the last 5 full time until you gets started school last September. We can still get a full days work done with them around as they will happily play without us even from crawling. So they would play a few hours, then we would do something with them an hour or two, then they play a few hours alone

CaffeineBomb · 05/03/2016 07:21

Are you sure you want to be parents Hmm

As a pp said when you have small children in nursery evenings and weekends become bonding time for the family. A child inevitably changes your life whether you want it to or not.

Also believe it or not most people enjoy spending time with their children and playing with them

Don't judge your friends until you've been in the sane situation

Fraggled · 05/03/2016 07:21

You sound like me six years ago. I now have a 5 year old and a 2 year old, and let's just say I have had to adjust my expectations.

I found having my first baby a huge culture shock at 32 years of age. I had no idea how my life would change! I spent the first 2 years of motherhood fighting the massive change in lifestyle and it made me seriously depressed, so I now embrace the changes as much as I can.

I think it very much depends on the child you have, and how 'demanding' they are. I do know a couple of people (with one child) who definitely have carried on just as they did pre-kids. My parents did the same. It worked for them, it didn't work so well for me but that's another thread.

I am happy and willing to adapt my schedule, my home and my entire life for my children and I expect that to continue (albeit in ever-changing ways) for the rest of my life. If I'd known how all-encompassing it was going to be I may not have had kids to be honest, but I am so glad I did because the hard work and sacrifice is so worth it in ways I can't explain!

Sorry for waffling Smile

ArmchairTraveller · 05/03/2016 07:22

'I think it depends upon the child you get.'

No, she's going to order the deluxe model with behaviour modification, volume control and snooze button fitted. Plus advanced social skills and higher intelligence. Grin
I know I did, but somehow my order got lost in the post. Twice.

Believeitornot · 05/03/2016 07:22

I am also Hmm at the idea of not at least tweaking your lifestyle. If you don't want a change then don't have children.

So my days of late night boozing and mountain climbing are either over or on hold because i have DCs now. You can't quite carry on as before and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Also yy to depression, illness etc. After my first it took me a month before I could walk very far post labour. My child had terrible reflux and sleep became a luxury. I remember trying routines etc and felt a failure. I didn't go out of an evening for about a year.

BosomySusan · 05/03/2016 07:23

Before I had children, when I spoke to my dsis about her day (at home with a baby) I genuinely thought, it can't be THAT hard to get stuff done. I soon learned. 😂
The hell of toddler-interrupted conversations. When you figure out a way to stop them doing that, there's a lot of people would love to know!
I used to watch the news when they were tiny, stopped when they were old enough to understand and restarted when they were old enough to understand and process it. I certainly don't want to be my children's friend, but your life changes in hundreds of ways you can't imagine yet.
Oh, we'd dearly love to leave ours for a night away (or even two!) but have no one prepared to take on 3. Would love your suggestions on how we get round that! 😄

Chocolatteaddict1 · 05/03/2016 07:24

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Please come back and tell us when you have kids!