To not attend my daughter's wedding

[lastkisstoo]

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

2rebecca, it's not just about OP seeing ex but the message that would send to her younger DDs.

There is no should or shouldnt. No right or wrong. Whatever it is you decide you should be in peace with. The people who care for you and your children WILL respect your decision and wont judge you.
We often get stuck in a 'what would people say' that we forget ourselves and what we really want.
You know best whats best for you and your childen. Stay true to you.

Can you explain to younger DCs that big sis has invited abusive father to wedding as she hadn't really thought properly what that would mean. So then say I need to go, but you don't have to if you don't want to/it's not a good idea for you to go, what shall we all do instead to celebrate?

It really winds me up when people make such ridiculous remarks about brides wanting to swank around in white dresses. Ffs, the OP's dd lost her real father when she was little and her only living father figure is abusive. She was never going to have a happy, relaxed day, as it was always going to be a reminder of the fractured family she comes from, whoever attended. The wedding was always going to be tense, because she is no doubt deeply conflicted, emotionally confused and probably feels like she is being pulled in every direction at once. Clearly she does not perceive this man to be the abusive monster that her mother perceives him to be and does not feel able to detach herself from him emotionally. She is not in the middle of the current abuse, but witnessing only what is shared with her about the situation by the OP and the ex, as she does not live with any of them and they will self-evidently not have the same version of the reasons behind ss involvement. Anyone who thinks the poor woman should have a clear understanding of the situation and automatically back her mother's interpretation of everything is just deluded. Why on earth do people expect someone damaged herself by the confused emotional attachments of her vulnerable childhood expect her to see that? That's like expecting her siblings to grow up and deal with their abuse by themselves the minute they hit 18, regardless of whether they ever received any help or support when they were younger.

I couldn't not go to my daughters wedding but as for the two younger ones I would try to be fair and if they are old enough to forgive for a day for the older sisters wedding then I think it would be a valuable life lesson. However if you feel they are too young why not arrange a treat for them either on the same day with another friend or relative or with you on a different day. I wouldn't risk spoil img my daughters day - it was your divorce not your daughters and she has already lived through a broken marriage so,her own should start with good will and hope.

Do you mean 'forgive' the abuser? Or 'forgive' their big sis for inviting him?

This just beggars belief....

roundabout

DD could have had a 'happy relaxed day' if she hadn't invited SF. I expect everyone else gets on fine.

Anyone who thinks the poor woman should have a clear understanding of the situation and automatically back her mother's interpretation of everything is just deluded

She's an adult, she can't not have known what her mother went through with SF, splitting from him, SS involvement etc, even if she wasn't on the receiving end.

I credit her with intelligence (not you so much tbh) and I think it's much more likely that she had an ideal picture of her wedding in her head with 2 parents present, and just didn't think through the reality.

Why can she not have known? Do you think social services have told her why they are involved with the family and why the children are receiving counselling? Do you think the ex has agreed it's all his fault the children need counselling when he meets up with her?

That should read, why must she know?

My head is spinning reading this. To all who really understand the feelings of my youngest

I know that this situation may resonate with some that had a missing parent at their wedding, and I really do understand the depth of your feelings. Please be aware however that I would give anything to be there when she walks down the aisle, anything but the peace of mind and mental health of my babies.

There has been a lot of good advice here, thank you so much to all of you for that. I have an appointment tomorrow with both counsellors, I will be speaking to them about this situation (as they are unaware) and asking their advice. I also will ask them about the possibility of speaking with my daughter, or writing her a report type letter explaining the effects of this on her siblings.

She has witnessed the abuse, but briefly. She is aware of SS and CPS involvement, as well as the counselling, but for some reason underestimates the situation. She cares very much for her siblings and is a very bright, mature young woman, whom I am very proud of. I am just very very confused about her perception of the whole situation.

She too has had long periods of nc with my ex. He washed his hands of my grown children when we first separated, and only rekindled his relationship with them around 2 years ago. In this last period of nc my eldest child got married and he was obviously not invited. Why he decided he wanted to be involved again is anyone's guess. He seems to have firmly wormed his way back in to their affections though, and I know that they both now have a relationship with him, although I am unsure how regular the contact. They are adults and I respect their decisions. I just need to ensure that nothing negatively impacts on the little ones. They have been damaged enough.

This is, after all, a man convincing and charming enough when he feels like it to have convinced the OP to have children with him, at which point she was presumably encouraging her dd to view him as a father figure. He was then convincing enough for the OP to choose to bring him into her dd's life again, live with him for another two years and then marry him. This man can be convincing and he now has his clutches in the OP's dd! Of all people, the OP ought to understand the power he can have over others who supposedly ought to know better.

Sorry, OP, I posted before I read your update. I think you are handling the situation incredibly well. I hope you manage to resolve this. Your dd may be "grown up" but she may need you when your ex stuffs up again and leaves her heartbroken and feeling guilty for trusting him.

OP - your eldest has presumably been damaged in her own way by your ex or she would be nc with him. It might take her a lot of counselling to get to the stage where she can be NC with him (if she chooses to do that). She won't necessarily be able to detach just because she's an adult. She'll have her own complex damage or whatever to be undone.

Talking to the counsellors sounds a good idea.

Thank you for your update OP. I think you have done well not to read and run. Hoping things work out in some way for you all

OP - you've been so level headed in your responses on this thread. Your plan to discuss with counsellors sounds like the right thing to do.

Wishing you all the best, I'm sure whatever course of action you decide on it'll be carefully considered. Such a difficult situation for you and all of your children

OP, I just wanted to say what a wonderful mother you sound. You are clearly and rightly concerned about the welfare of your youngest dcs but are very tolerant of your elder dcs relationship with your ex (I would have been sorely tempted to yell at them "what the fuck are you having a relationship with that abuser for?". I hope you manage to resolve this and can overlook all the abuse on this thread which I truly cannot understand. Good luck.

You are right to want to protect your two young children from reliving the domestic violence (it doesn't have to be physical to be violent) they suffered in the past.
But if you feel able I'm sure your older daughter would love to have you there.
Perhaps you could arrange for them to have a really nice treat with friends that day so they are having a good time to and arrange something with their sister and her husband later special for them so they don't feel left out.
Otherwise you will all just be miserable on the day.

OP, speak to your DD. In the presence of her fiancé. Explain the situation and explain why your are in an untenable situation.
Leave it in her hands for a while. She's your DD you sound lovely and gracious and I'm sure some of that must have rubbed of on her.

Thanks for the update OP - I think you are handling this in such a calm and understanding way. Huge respect to you, and the best of luck.

I am absolutely staggered by some of the responses on here. Anyone suggesting that her DD's daughters wedding day trumps the psychological scars left by her one time step ( to her mother and half siblings) wants their head felt. Some of you people really need to have a think about the shite you are spouting.

OP YANBU although you should explain this carefully to your DD so she knows where you are coming from.

OP I think you're amazingly strong in the face of so much ill informed victim blaming bile that has been vomited all over this thread.
I'm glad to see I'm by no means alone in understanding this man isn't 'just' an ex but an abuser who has left your younger children needing professional intervention and support. You are not questioning whether to forgo the wedding for selfish reasons but trying to love and protect all your children equally.
Good luck. I hope the counsellor's can give you guidance and I hope your elder daughter listens and respects whatever decision you come to.

I think there has been a lot of victim blaming, but I would count the grown up daughter as a victim all this too.

This is what abusers do. They hook people in with charm and promises, and they are experts at keeping people on the hook for years.

Why is the daughter a terrible person for being on her (step) fathers hook?

This is what she felt and saw for years growing up, why does she get to be immune to the damage? Ok so she didn't get it as bad as the little ones, but it would be quite something if she came out completely fine wouldn't it?

She's probably still desperate to please her only father figure and will jump if he says jump. She's also probably used to everyone pandering to him and putting his feelings before anyone else's.

It took her mum two different attempts to finish the relationship, so it's clearly not easy. The daughter is such as much of a victim here as anyone else.

It's a miserable situation for everyone.

I agree - the grown up dd needs to be seen as a victim as well. She is a victim along with everyone else in the family. That's why it's so difficult & why I think it's important that she is supported as well.

I'm interested, OP, that your oldest child got married and didn't invite your ex. Do you think this has some bearing on the reason this DD is inviting him? Did she perhaps feel sorry for him?

And, is your oldest DC in any sort of position to talk to your BTB DD about this at all? Or is that a step too far (looking like ganging up etc.)