To not attend my daughter's wedding

[lastkisstoo]

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

Please go. When I got married, my mum made a huge fuss about me wanting to invite my dad and step-mum. I know they had their difficulties, and it was very hard for my mum to accept my step-mum's presence as he had left us for her.

The pressure my mum put on me not to invite step-mum was unbelievable and, in the end, feeling like I couldn't upset my mum like that, I invited only my dad and not my step-mum. The result was that he refused to come, as did one of my sisters.

It has stayed as one of my biggest regrets for the rest of my life; I lost three years of contact with my dad because of it. The irony being that it was my step-mum who worked tirelessly to reconcile us. She is now a fantastic grandma and I have a really close relationship with her. My mum now also accepts her, and we can, mercifully, all attend family functions together... But I do so wish my mum had managed to put aside her upset just for one day.

I really hope this works out for you and all concerned but please try to just be there for your daughter and focus on her, and her special day.

it won't hurt your DCs to see this man, particularly if he's on best behaviour

On a thread full of victim blaming, ignorant comments about abuse and abusers such as it cant have been that bad if the abuser is not in prison etc this really takes the prize for being the most breathtakingly stupid comment ever.

Do you actually believe what you have written? If you do that's really scary. I work with adults survivors of abuse, including emotional abuse as part of my job. If you had to listen to their stories and difficulties you would think differently. It cant hurt very much and cause a lifetime of psychological and emotional difficulties.These children are 10 and already in counselling - that itself is unusual and you think it wont hurt them to see their abuser? Seriously?

You have to go! Take your other 2 children, too and let them witness how unselfish and kind you are and what being grown up looks like

I take it you have zero knowledge about the effect of emotional abuse on children then Mummy if you think by taking 2 little children who have been abused so badly that SS are involved and they are actually in counselling anywhere by the OP would be showing how "kind" she is?

The problem is not a divorced couple who parted on bad terms attending a wedding.

The problem is victims of abuse and their abuser attending a wedding.

It really isn't the same thing.

Well said merrymouse That fact seems to be escaping quite a few posters on this thread.

Can you either ask the councillors to explain to your elder daughter or ask them to write an evaluation of the situation.

Entirely too many posters who STILL only read the OP's first post and don't even have the common courtesy to read the rest of her posts, but decide to pontificate on what's in the op only. After over 300 posts.

It's really easy to highlight the OP's posts - go into Customise, choose to highlight the OP's posts whichever colour you like (assuming there is still a choice) and bingo - it's now easy to find them all and read the updates.

THEN maybe choose to comment in an appropriate manner.

I had the same problem when my daughter got married so I do understand where you are coming from. My ex was violent and didn't treat his children well but my daughter forgave him, my son didn't. However, when my daughter got married I felt I had to be there for her and I gave my son the choice whether he attended. I think it was a good experience to decide what he wanted, take other people's emotions into account and give vent to his feelings. He decided to go and didn't particularly enjoy being in the same room as his father but learned the art of being civil without being warm...a very valuable skill!
What you have to remember is that this is the first of many occasions where your Ex is likely to be there. Do you really want your daughter to worry about Christenings, school events etc? In the end it isn't only your daughter who will suffer but her children if you choose to exclude all these occasions because of a lousy ex. I would urge you to give your younger children the choice as to whether they go but make sure you attend so your daughter doesn't lose out and your relationship doesn't suffer. This is supposed to be about her and it is bad enough her childhood was affected with this man (even if she chooses to ignore it), don't let her adulthood suffer too. My experience is that if you grit your teeth and show yourself to be understanding, you reap the rewards in the end.

Roundabout and lweji absolutely. Thank you.

I am really surprised that your DD didn't actually talk about this when you were discussing her wedding plans and before she invited him. However, what is done is done.

I don't think you should miss her wedding. It's her big day and if you don't go she will be very upset and you will probably regret it. However, I think you should sit down with your younger children and ask them honestly if they want to attend. If they do then take them, but if they don't want to then just go on your own. If they don't want to attend then please ask a friend to take them out somewhere special for the day so that they too have something to look forward to and don't feel they are missing out.

Is her father going? Is there going to be a line up to welcome the guests? If so, who will be in it? What about the table plan (unless it is a buffet)? Please make sure this is discussed and agreed by everyone before the wedding day.

Of course you are upset he is going to be there but put on a brave face and keep your distance.

Apologies for not reading the whole thread, and for not knowing how to highlight the OP's posts. I rarely have time to use MN and tend only to look at threads that are of interest to me on the email they send. I saw the title and the OP and it stirred up some upsetting memories and big regrets for me, so I felt inclined to comment, that's all. Apologies for the mistake.

I was 11 when my brother invited my uncle to his wedding even though he had physically attacked me, my bother still adored him. I no longer speak to my brother and I hated my parents for placing such a decision on to me about my attendance to the wedding. If the ex had anything about him he would decline but he would probably act like my uncle did as if nothing had happened and it was just me not seeing he didn't mean to hurt me. Speak to your eldest again.

Do you really want your daughter to worry about Christenings, school events etc?

If the DD were planning on involving a man who abused her siblings in the life of her own children, I think everyone would have quite a bit more to worry about than the DD's hurt feelings.

It's not clear why the DD invited this man to her wedding. However there is clearly no future where they all let bygones be bygones, brush everything under the carpet and live happily ever after.

Cleo even if you cant read the OPs other posts (and its easy to highlight) she clearly states in her first post her DDs have no wish to see their abusive Dad, so not sure why you said However, I think you should sit down with your younger children and ask them honestly if they want to attend. She also states in another post:

The youngest two are 10, and are still in counselling to try to repair the damage caused by their dad. There has been social work and child protection involvement, such was the severity of the emotional abuse

Yes, Laguna, I did read the posts but I also read in the OP's first post that "the children have said they will go......." She knows they don't want to go but clearly they are still feeling that they are somewhat obliged to go in order to avoid upsetting their sister, making the situation more difficult and so on.

I would sit down again, ask them to confirm that they definitely don't want to go and make it clear that I wholeheartedly agree with their decision and that I don't want them to go either.

TBH I would have said as soon as the situation arose that I would be going to support my eldest DD but unless they particularly wanted to (which clearly they don't) they would not be coming with me. If they were my dc there is no way they would be going.

It's ironic that thick people are calling others thick purely because they disagree with someones different point of view. Name calling isn't nice, some might say abusive, so ironic when they vilify the step father on his past abuse.

Ive read most of the thread apart from last few posts. OP has been very gracious on this thread but I'm in the suck it up camp. Don't invite your children if you think it will impact them negatively but if you can stomach it, please go. She will value your presence. It's only one day but a very important one for your daughter. Your children might feel sad they can't go but it's not your fault and you aren't choosing who you love more.

As to the ex Step father, the bride can invite who she wants. Abuse is an over used word in mumsnet society, who knows what happened. Op and her children have one side of the story and the bride and step father will probably have a completely different take on things.

You can't please everyone here, but the worst decision of all your options is to not go go to your daughters wedding.

I've read all the OP's posts but not all other the comments because I don't want to get wound up. I read a few and reading people suggest abused children should be taken into a place where they see their abuser was enough a couple of times. I can't read more of that.

My advice would be as follows:
Write to your daughter and then emotion can't derail exactly what you want to get across to her.
Tell her what you have said here. Add to that the fact that her wedding day will be a happy occasion and she will be the centre of attention and having everything the way she likes it. Would she really enjoy her day knowing her siblings were there and being harmed in order for her to get her way on that one issue?
She can be secure in the knowledge that if she ever needed protecting from an abuser that you would give her exactly the same consideration and help. But she is now an adult and her having her lovely day slightly less lovely does not compare with the serious damage that would result from either taking her siblings to that wedding nor with the damage done by making them feel punished by not attending while you went without them.
If she feels that having her abusive father at her wedding is more important than her siblings future emotional wellbeing and that making him welcome is more important than keeping them safe then that is her choice.
I'm of the opinion that anyone who values swanking about in a white dress and getting her own way over and above the real welfare of loved ones needs to do a lot of growing up.

Agreed Banana.

It's her step father not her real father, and all of this could have been avoided if she'd just discussed everything with her mum before she sent out the invitations.

Even if the OP goes to the wedding it isn't going to be lovely. It is going to be strained and tense.

There are plenty of occasions where divorced and separated couples should put on a brave face and be civil and polite for the sake of the children, but that really isn't possible here.

What some people feel should have happened is irrelevant. The situation is as it is.
I'm not sure why the OP feels her younger children will feel punished if she goes without them. Surely if he was bad enough that they still need counselling because of his behaviour they won't be sad to miss the event anyway. It sounds as though they aren't bothered about going and as you say they are only going to save you from being upset tell them you'll go alone and they'll have a lovely day doing something else.
I would probably go and get a babysitter for the younger 2 / see if they have friends they can stay with that day and evening.

Agree the situation will be tense, although the OP as mother will probably have far more friends and relatives at the wedding as mother of the bride than her ex who isn't the father of the bride. I wouldn't be letting an aggressive man make me miss my daughter's wedding. Take back some control and make him the one who feels awkward for being there.

I'm not sure why the OP feels her younger children will feel punished if she goes without them. Surely if he was bad enough that they still need counselling because of his behaviour they won't be sad to miss the event anyway

It's really not hard to understand, surely?

Yes, as the OP said herself they didn't want to go.
The OP wants to go, the 2 10 year olds don't want to go.

In this situation I would go. I maybe wouldn't go for long but I would not feel watching my daughter get married was something I'd miss just to avoid seeing an agressive ex.

They don't want to see their father, but OP has said they will be 'devastated' if they're the only ones missing out. Of course they want to see their sister married, weddings are exciting for girls, but there's a conflict.

If they're the only ones in the whole family who don't go, they're being penalised for their father's sins, as I said before. And the perpetrator gets to swan around as if nothing had happened.

speak to younger dd's counsellor - but if they dont want to go they shouldnt have to regardless what anyone says - but bless them for saying they will go for your sake op - but they shouldnt have to put aside their own feelings for yours or eldest dd

can they miss the wedding and stay with a friend

if they dont want to go then they must reliese you arent punishing them by not going

you need to go to eldest dd wedding as your relationship will suffer if you dont - even if you go and see her get married then leave

if their abusive dad wasnt going would they be excited and want to go, or as your eldest dd is quite a few years older then them then they dont see eldest dd a lot so her wedding isnt a big deal to 10yrs?