To not attend my daughter's wedding

[lastkisstoo]

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

So children are so resilient that they can brush off the kind of abuse that has involved social workers, but not resilient enough to survive not going to a wedding?

There is nothing the OP can do to make this situation pleasant. All she can try to do is choose the least distressing option. Even if she does go the best her daughter can hope for is a tense atmosphere.

I don't think there is any option that will avoid argument or unhappiness. However, whatever the OP decides she should be honest with her daughter and other children about the past and why she has made her decision.

You don't know what happened in my childhood and I'm not airing it here. You have no right to judge me, I am merely saying how my mother's choice affected me. Sometimes it is easier to accept that there are abusers in society and avoid close contact than, feel you have been excluded and punished by those who purport to love you 'put your feelings first.' If the matter has been carefully dealt with rather than not spoken about, the wedding situation could be quite therapeutic and cathartic. It will enable the DC to see the figure in a position of impotence where he lacks power to harm them, which in itself is an empowering situation for them.

salsquiggle

Your post is all about you, you don't appear to grasped the OP's situation in the slightest.

On the contrary. I am looking from the eyes of the DC. Both the daughter getting married and the younger siblings. I am using personal reference to justify my reasoning.

Sue Lawley

Unless I have misunstood the OP this man is not her parent!!

I totally agree with you merry. The situation depends on the individuals concerned and how they will feel. There is certainly no easy option. Your most important point being the discussion to be had so that there is full understanding of the reasoning behind the eventual action.

My thoughts exactly ohtheholidays

ontheholidays there is never a good reason to abuse the OP. But some of this is dreadful. Why isn't it possible to put across a difference of opinion without resorting to petty name calling and judgement?

OP, if you're still reading, I still do think you should go and talk to your younger DC's counsellor about them going.
For a few reasons.

Regarding yourself, I'd be damned if I'd let an abuser drive a wedge between my child and me. No matter how awkward the day would be, but if otherwise my relationship with my child was good, I'd grin and bear it.

As for the younger DCs, it's definitely more complex, but, and this is where you should look for professional advice, it could either be triggering or it could be an opportunity to be in a context where abuse is not likely to happen and to act out and demonstrate how we can be strong around abusers.

Although we don't have to live with them, sometimes we do have to deal with them and face our fears. This is for the counsellor, the children and you to judge.

I'd certainly be ready to leave at the slightest sign of distress or abuse, anyway.

Finally, I'd definitely talk with my DD, as openly as possible, about all the issues surrounding this man and my reservations about him going and the effect the youngest are still suffering.

Sometimes it's easy to underestimate things we didn't go through.
So, openess is key here. She won't know unless you talk to her, and suddenly not going will feel like a shock and a betrayal if you haven't let her have the opportunity to understand your point of view in this matter.

My mother refused to come to my wedding. It was so upsetting and so stressful, it really is an awful thing to do, no matter how thoughtless your daughter may be regarding your ex. My mother did turn up on the day, but as I'd got my head round her not coming, that was still horribly upsetting, it ruined the day for dH and I, and made even wedding anniversaries tough for the first few years. I am still upset about it 12 years later. I have forgiven my mother, who is elderly and frail but it is not something one gets over easily. Please go. Leave the other children with a friend if that seems kinder to them , but do go and be there for your daughter.

In addition to my previous post there could be a series of safeguards you could implement and arrange with your youngest and eldest DC and other guests. This would be to make your youngest feel safe.

And trust me that I don't take this lightly and have gone through some difficult situations with a young boy, who, as far as I can tell, hasn't been too affected. Is happy and with decent self esteem.

Lweji absolutely!

I think I would do something like go to the service only, with the DC if you feel that is the best option (rather than going on your own)
The reception, where there could be more potential for trouble, is not essential.
Your youngest might enjoy dressing up for their big sister's big day, and if you leave straight after the service then surely there could be little opportunity for any abuse towards them or you from your Ex?
You could also ask if a friend or the children's counsellor could attend with your youngest DC to look after them throughout, and thus leave you more free to be there for your DD1 and hopefully even enjoy aspects of it. If it was for the service only such a friend wouldn't even need an invitation, although you could run the idea past your DD1 just to keep communication open on everything

The wedding isn't exactly going to be a barrel of laughs if the OP goes.

The situation has got beyond the point where the day can be anything other than upsetting and stressful.

I'm so sorry OP, what an impossible situation for you. It seems no matter what you do, you're going to end up feeling like you're failing one or more of your children

And what make a horrendous situation even worse is that the bastard who caused all this can just swan in without a second thought while you're left in utter turmoil desperately trying to do what's best for all your children.

To echo pp, you need to talk to eldest DD and explain in no uncertain terms why this is such an impossible situation for you.

The only 'compromise' I can think of (and it's still not ideal) is what Juggling said - could you just go to the ceremony to show your support for older DD, but then leave and spend a special afternoon with your younger DC doing something they love and making it a special time for them?

I'm so sorry you're going through this op, you sound like a wonderful mum. x

I'm a bit fed up of women wittering about themselves, their mother and their big day on here.

Unless their father was abusive then it's not remotely comparable. Even if he was, they still don't know the details of the this case nor the OP's younger children, and therefore they're not qualified to make a judgement about what's best for OP's children.

On that basis, nobody is qualified to comment, Twinkelstein, because only the OP has the vaguest inkling on this thread of the real situation. Yet the OP still asked the question - so it's for her to sort out which comments are helpful and which to reject, not you.

The other compromise is that they go to either the ceremony or the reception and exDH goes to the other one.

Is there someone close to both of you that you can get to help with the discussion, maybe? In case it gets too emotional maybe your mum/ her gran or a sister/ aunt that she might listen to?

Come to that, what does her fiance think about it all?

It doesn't sound like you'd get her to uninvite 'dad' but is there any way you could negotiate for him to be kept out of the way? Promise to leave you all well alone and be seated well away from the kids? If there is a close relative or friend available, could they stay close to the kids (and you) to help reassure them (and actually make sure he doesn't come near)?

And is there anyone reasonable that is close enough to your ex that might encourage him to think of his kids welfare and leave after the ceremony or after the meal or at the very very least get him promise to keep well away (and follow up by actually doing it)? If he's likely to forget/ get worse after a few drinks, is there someone that would stay close to him

Unfortunately people are nuts around weddings and considering other people's feelings often doesn't come high on the list of priorities... if your DD1 has had an emotionally rough time she may be more likely to over react and finding a compromise might be your best option to avoid contact.

Wow. Just wow.

I am astounded at some of the replies on here - suck it up? It won't do them (the younger siblings) much harm? Selfish?

OP as the sensible ones others have said I would consider talking to the counsellor first and foremost. You can then approach your DD with information that can be discussed and, hopefully, find a solution that suits you all. Either a compromise is reached or people have to accept the (possible) consequences of their actions.

I really hope you manage to to reach a decision that both you and all your children are comfortable with, if not happy.

I can understand your dilemma. It's a very difficult situation you find yourself in. Try and impart your feelings without putting it on your DD that she is responsible for how you feel. It's your ex that makes you feel this way.

Oh, and ignore those posters who trivialise the effects of abuse on you and the younger DDs. No one can tell you how you should feel.

Even if the dd knows what happened she still may not be able to just switch off from this man who she became attached to as a father figure. She was a young child when he was brought into her life. If he became her father figure she won't necessarily just be able to switch off from that or reject him without a whole load of counselling herself. It sounds as if he was fairly abusive to her as well - but you can't just force someone to recognise that. She clearly can't just detach from him or he wouldn't have been invited. I doubt she's doing it just to wind her mother up - he must have some important to her - and that is not her fault.

I still think the best solution would be mother to go alone. I believe you can explain to the younger children that they're not being punished (pretty easily as SS are involved and counsellors - as long as a conversation is had). Then maybe arrange a special wedding celebration for the youngest with their sister - a meal out or something like that.

You have to go! Take your other 2 children, too and let them witness how unselfish and kind you are and what being grown up looks like

I don't think that the option for the OP +/- her younger DC to go to one part and the abuser to go to the other is a safe one, tbh.

First off, he'd want to know why, and if he's a controlling abuser, then he'd probably enjoy creating a shitstorm by either turning up early, or refusing to leave.

I just wouldn't risk that, sadly for the BTB.

My favourite solution so far has been for the B&G to drop into the OP's house on the way to the reception and have photos and a toast with the OP and her younger DC, so they're part of the day but not exposed to the risks.

Also, another thing that hasn't been mentioned as an option so far (I don't think) - it IS possible to do a Skype (or other video) link during the ceremony so that the OP doesn't miss out on seeing her DD get married, and the other DC can see it too, without any associated risk.

roundaboutthetown

The OP is qualified to comment and she has stated that she thinks it best if she stays away with her younger children.

She's the only one who actually knows what she's talking about.

Nice idea to have a separate celebration with DD1/ fiance and the kids... I've been to some weddings where there was a lovely close family supper the night before... would that work?

Again, could a trusted friend even bring them to the ceremony (if it's not all in one place and is nearby) and then take them off. Leaving a bit early and taking them somewhere nice for dinner or something was also a nice idea that was mentioned. Skype (or after the honeymoon a special wedding video watching night with siblings as long as the dad doesn't feature too prominently could work?)

Some of that may depend on how close DD1 is to her siblings, which I've not really picked up so far...