To not attend my daughter's wedding

[lastkisstoo]

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

[dolkapots]

YY to the eldest DD being a victim too. Some of the posts regarding her have been horrible. This is a horrible situation for everyone.

[tma1968]

I don't understand why people on mumsnet feel the need to be quite so nasty. It's a difficult situation (as they all are or they wouldn't be on here asking for advice). Telling someone they should grow up and that they are a bad mother is shameful. There are nicer more positive ways of putting a point across without makin the poster feel worse about an already difficult situation. I've been on the receiving end of these comments and it hurts especially when you are feeling fragile and are at ur wits end!. Calm down ladies!!
Anyway I would ask the younger two to come but respect their decision if they decide they don't want to attend. Go and ignore him. Your paths probably won't cross. In my experience situations like this are rarely as bad as you imagine they will be. I doubt ur eldest will ever forgive you if you don't attend the biggest day of her life. Good Luck x

[Sallystyle]

Anyway I would ask the younger two to come but respect their decision if they decide they don't want to attend.

You would ask the two children who were abused and still in counselling to go to the wedding?

That's great parenting that is... asking young children to face their abuser, I'm sure SS would really think that is a good idea.

Calm down ladies!!

Yes, being told to 'calm down ladies' always goes down well.


Go and ignore him. Your paths probably won't cross

Did you read all of the OP's posts?

Thank you OP for updating, you sound amazing. Good luck with your decision

[roundaboutthetown]

Sigh - another person who doesn't appear to have read the full thread. ThumbWitchesAbroad - I think that might be risky, as the OP has said none of them were in touch with the ex at the time of the last wedding, but that both of the elder children have now let him back in their lives. There is no guarantee the older sibling has a better understanding of the reality of the situation and even if they do, it could spread the family problems further to ask them to get involved (although they might choose to get involved if emotions begin to run high, and that is another potential concern if their intervention has negative effects!). I think the OP already has a very sensible strategy in place to start working towards finding a way through this without leaving her dd upset, angry and not understanding the issues.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Yes, I suppose you're right.
I think the OP has the right strategy in hand at the moment too.

[Saramel]

My 'Dad" is not my biological father but he is the one I had the closest connection to. I now know my biological father but can never feel as close to him as my 'Dad'. I had 4 'fathers' and a fair few 'uncles' but this one person captured my heart. Maybe he came along at the right time, he has certainly never targeted me to manipulate but he was the one I wanted to walk me down the aisle even though he'd left the family home years ago. You can't help how you feel about someone.

[Toffeelatteplease]

You can't help how you feel about someone.

But you can help what you do about it and you can respect that others might feel very differently to you.

You can show respect for what your mother and siblings have been through even if it is your big day.

That's what I'd called having humanity.

[starry0ne]

OP..I hope the appointments are productive... I have no doubt you will do what is best for your DD's...

[TheOddity]

I think it's very tricky and feel for you. However, I would be going to the wedding myself undoubtedly. I think you need to maybe arrange something fab for the younger ones so they absolutely don't think about the wedding and do their own thing that day so you can go without feeling guilty. Could you arrange for a sleep over party at a friends and pay for them to have a special film afternoon or whatever they love doing? Something that totally takes their mind off the wedding?

[TheOddity]

I would also make it clear to DD that no way are you exposing the youngest two to their father again, even for a day. It could undo a lot of the counselling. Then it is up to her to decide if she wants her half siblings or her stepdad there.

[PiperChapstick]

Hi OP

I was someone who, at the beginning of this thread, said YABVVVU and that you should put your feelings aside for your daughter.

Having read all of your posts, I hadn't realised the extent and nature of the abuse, and how your DD is aware of it. I would like to apologise and change my original opinion - I do think it is up to your DD to manage this and that you and your DC should absolutely come first.

You sound amazing, and a brilliant mum, and I wish you and your children the best and hope you can recover from this mess

[roundaboutthetown]

Same here, Piper.

[kali110]

roundaboutthetown completely agree with you! Horrible that the dd has been villified and that she is doing this just 'to have her day'
Also that just because he is not her biological father that she shouldn't care.
She hasn't seen all the abuse, her real dad died and her mom and stepdad have been together and part and then together during her life. You can't just switch off feelings for someone who you've thought of as a dad, even if they haven't been a nice person.
Saramel thankyou. Been sick of reading the 'but it's not her real dad!' Posts.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

My real dad is my stepdad who's been the only father I will ever want or need, and the only grandfather my children will ever want or need.

God Bless these men who come into a child's life and step well and truly up to the mark for them for a lifetime!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

"God Bless these men who come into a child's life and step well and truly up to the mark for them for a lifetime!"

Are you serious? Have you read any more of this thread than the OP? Have you seen that his own 2 young DC are having therapy and under SS protection because of his abuse of them?

Jeez-us.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

I think you've taken my post completely out of context. but I do think I could have written it better.

I was cackhandedly referring to something else further up.

Think if it what you will. MY conscience is clear and your interpretation of my post is just that - your interpretation of it.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

are you serious? Have you read any more of this thread than the OP

Yes, I have. Ive actually posted on the thread. Its very clear what I think of it all. Perhaps in future you could have a look back through a thread to see if a person has posted previously. It will help you get some idea of their thoughts on the matter as well as get an idea on whether what appears to be an outrageous post is more to do with a badly written/vague post and your knee-jerk reaction.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

There are enough posters on here who do only read the OP and post ill-thought out comments like yours for it to be a reasonable question as to whether or not you've read the thread.

Since you apparently have, then you really should have written your post with a lot more thought, given the sensitive nature of this thread.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

Since you apparently have, then you really should have written your post with a lot more thought, given the sensitive nature of this thread

And since I'd acknowledged my post could have been written in a better way, that it was cackhanded, there was no need for the above lecture from you but I guess you just couldn't help yourself.

The gracious reply from you would have been - thank you for acknowledging that.

And thats the end these shenanigans as far as Im concerned.

[roundaboutthetown]

I know what you meant, notonyurjellybellynelly - you were not even remotely implying that the OP's ex had stepped up to the mark and been a good father figure, just pointing out that those posters who have made disparaging references to the fact the ex is "not even the biological father" have been offensive to anyone who has good reason to view their step-parent, or adoptive parent, as a real father in emotional terms. It is not remotely relevant that he is not her biological father. His behaviour would be just as vile if he were, and the fact he is not does not mean she cannot have formed a strong emotional attachment to him. The OP clearly understands this, as she has not complained to her older children about the resumption of their connection with him, even though she knows how abusive he can be.

[kali110]

roundaboutthetown great post. This is what i have said all way theough.

[Fishface77]

Hi OP did you speak to your daughter?
What did she decide?

[DistanceCall]

Christ. I really can't get my head about the fact that so many people don't give a shit about victims just because it's a bloody wedding.

Let's change the situation, shall we?

My ex was abusive to my small children, to such an extent that SS were involved and they are still in counselling. My oldest daughter went nc with him several times, but he has recently wormed his way back into her affections. She is holding a picnic for the entire family and has invited my ex, my children, and me, to come. What should I do?

What would you say then?

[Smurfnoff]

So DistanceCall, what would you say if the OP had said 'My daughter wants my ex the her wedding even though we're not together'? I don't believe for a second wed have had all this 'but he's not even her real dad!!!' crap.

OP is in a hellish situation, but the way people have slagged off the daughter for wanting the only father figure she ever had at her wedding makes me want to puke.

[HeddaGarbled]

Puking for six months?