To not attend my daughter's wedding

[lastkisstoo]

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

I think the OP and her daughter are getting a lot of flak that should really be redirected at the cause of the dilemma, OP's ex!

As for the continued suggestion that the younger children go along 'for a bit'. They are currently receiving counselling due to emotional abuse perpetrated by this man. What that consisted of could be anything (and OP quite rightly doesn't need to share the details) but just imagine...aggressive and hurtful behaviour directed towards you, making you scared and sad. The person doing this to you is your father and, because you're a young child, you can't quite understand why he's like it, what you've done wrong to deserve it.

Even after he's left, even after contact has ceased, even though you're now 10 and, despite the counselling you're having, would you want to go and spend time at the same event as him?

So the little ones (10 year olds) would have to go to this wedding seeing their father acting the straight-up guy, and knowing all the time what he'd done to them.

Read the thread. The OP would go, if it was just her. She would deal.

But it isn't. It's her children, who have been abused so badly, SS was involved.

Are you suggesting they should have to put a brave face on it, too?

It's their sister's wedding! Under normal circumstances, most 10 yo would be over the moon excited about going.

I don't understand why people find the dilemma so difficult to get to grips with. It's not a matter of "go with your head held high". It's a matter of protect your children who were abused on their contact visits with their father.

To be honest, I think the biggest mistake lastkiss has made was posting in AIBU.

Sanity - I agree AIBU just doesn't feel the right place, relationships or even chat may have better. Hopefully OP can still gain some advice from it though, there have been some good suggestions in amongst the baffling ones

I'm glad OP has said she will talk again to her DD about it. She really needs to know the full extent of OP's difficulty.

it would be very tragic if a family were to be divided by this horrible man.

FWIW, my mother looked the other way when I tried to tell her about abuse, so I applaud OP who is doing the right thing by her children: protecting them from more trauma. How can anyone criticise her for that?

Yy SanityClause

I agree on all fronts.

"WTF is it with people thinking that just because they are getting married nothing else in the whole universe matters?"

This shit here. It's all here, on this thread. It's her big daaaay and that means nothing else matters.

This whole stuff of Big Daaay comes before all, is part and parcel of the madness of the wedding industry. The madness on this thread is fuelling it, people, it's creating Bridezillas It probably is unfair to characterise the daughter as a common or garden Bridezilla, clearly there are issues there which it will probably take her a good few more years to sort out, but this insistence that the Big Day is the most important event that can ever happen to anyone and that therefore the mother needs to be there, is exactly what fuels the madness.

The reason this young woman was able to make such a destructive, insensitive and downright selfish decision, is because she is surrounded by messages like the ones on this thread - that it's her Big Daaaay and everyone else in the world, no matter what else is going on in their lives, has to fall in with her desires. And if they don't, then she's justified in cutting them out of her life forever, because her abusive demand that an abuse victim come and pretend to play happy families with her abuser, is perfectly acceptable because Big Daaaaay.

FFS Mumsnet you're better than this. Stop fuelling wedding-industry insanity. This thread is a sort of microcosmic example of the sheer crap around it. One of the reasons that brides feel so disproportionately outraged when things don't go their way, is precisely because of the clamour they hear from threads like this, that they have the right to feel epically pissed off. Stop telling them they do - the DD wouldn't be so hurt and upset and outraged by the idea of her Mum not going to her wedding, if she wasn't getting messages from different places, telling her that hurt, upset and outrage is the minimum response necessary, to any disruption of your plans on your Big Day.

FGS don't let Mumsnet be one of those places. Have some fucking proportion and dignity and stop being cheerleaders for the wedding industry.

Too right.

Hear hear!

What kind of mum will not go to her daughter's wedding? You are extremely selfish.

Oh marvellous

Agree with AskBasil and other posters - MN is usually zero tolerance about abuse. Abusers get short shrift on here. BUT. It's a wedding! Oh, ok then, that changes everything, never mind about the abuse, OP should go

One of the saddest things about broken-down families is that dream weddings are impossible. Trying to ignore all the pain because you want to play happy families for just one day is very tempting, but the idea of two little ones paying the price for that is just so wrong. OP, YANBU.

You can grieve over the fact that your dd's dream day, with all of her family there, happy and smiling, is not on the cards, and it's not her fault, and it's not your fault either, and of course it's not the fault of your little ones. You are all the victims. It's the abuser's fault. His actions have made your dd's dream day impossible for her to have. You cannot criticize her for inviting him, I think she made the wrong choice but I don't think you can criticize her for that as she's a victim too, trying to do her best in a bad situation. But unfortunately there isn't going to be a happy-families wedding in this situation either way.

You are right to prioritize your little ones. This made me weep, thinking about all the mothers who could prioritize their young dc but choose not to. My mother was like that - she would make the choice that allowed her to save face in society. Now I am not in contact with her, she is very worried about what people will think if they find out. OP you have made the wise choice.

This is what abuse does. It has knock-on effects and people continue suffering long after the abuse has happened. Because of the abuse that he chose to perpetrate, this wedding is bringing pain and sadness when it should be a happy day for everyone.

Oh, and I also agree with the pp who suggested an alternative of having the happy couple visit your home on the day. Sounds like a lovely idea. You could put on tea for them (or champagne) and take lovely photos.

Yes, it is sad all round. It is offensive to call the OP's dd a Bridezilla, and the OP eloquently explained why, in her unusual situation, she cannot bring her children to the wedding and why she feels going by herself would have a negative impact on them, too. I don't think the OP's dd fully understands the situation between the OP, her half siblings and the ex. This does not make her a Bridezilla, just the victim of circumstances she does not fully understand.

Has the op been back and stated that the DD does not know anything about the situation stuff like the ongoing children's services involvement?

If so then I take back what I said about her being selfish and will reiterate my previous advice (being totally honest with her)

If she still continues to make the same choice and feel it's ok for her siblings to just deal with it then she's selfish

OP first said that the DD sees the ExP as a father figure as he entered her life very early (and he was shouty and aggressive at that stage) , but then went on to say that the DD didn't really grow up with the ExP, so the time frame is rather unclear. OP did say that whilst she has a very good/open relationship with her DD the abuse issue is the elephant in the room, so it may be plausible that the DD is not aware of the extent of the abuse that the young DD's faced.

Or more likely that she is either in denial or has been manipulated into colluding in some way.

Lots of possibilities. But we won't know until the OP speaks to the DD to find out herself.

Yup, the only person who deserves vilification on here is the abuser, not the OP or the DD. We don't know what kind of confusion/manipulation has taken place or over what timeframe or what other factors are at play.

Setting the OP and her DD up as against one another is unlikely to make things better. Yeah, two more women isolated rather as having the potential to co-operate together is a great outcome.

Quite Rosy. The dd was a CHILD when this man entered her life (not through her choosing). Of course she didn't have an adult perspective of his behaviour & presumably she has been damaged in her own way by him because clearly she attached to him. Blaming her seems pretty lacking in understanding of how attachment & father type relationships work.

because clearly she attached to him. Blaming her seems pretty lacking in understanding of how attachment & father type relationships work.

It's her lack of understanding how this effects her mother and sisters - nobody suggested she shouldn't have a relationship with him - even OP hasn't commented on that -

I don't think this is about the wedding industry at all. It's about family relationships and often events become the catalyst for having conversations that should have been held earlier.

On this occasion it's a wedding but it could have been any event - a graduation; a birth or even just a visit to OP's eldest DD's home when her step-dad was there.

It's possible that the elder DD doesn't know the full extent of the abuse and OP has sheltered her from it. Now they're going to have to have a conversation about it. The problem is that it sounds as though all of this is playing out in front of the younger DDs so whatever happens it will have some sort of impact on them.

My older siblings had no idea that my DF was violent towards me. I assumed they knew. It was only when talking as adults that we realised we had entirely different experiences growing up. It also didn't change their memories of growing up with DF. DF was a different person when I was growing up. It's plausible that the same has happened here.

You should go, hopefully you won't get the chance again. My MIL didn't come to ours due to 'visa issues' and I know my DH still feels upset about it we are 8yrs on.
You should try to put your feeling aside for one day and just ignore him the whole time you are there. Will you have lots of other family there that feel the same way that can support you during the day? I'm sure you will regret it if you miss it and the relationship with your DD breakdown because of it and future relationships with grnadchildren

I had this with my mother, she refused to come to my wedding because I invited members from my father's side of the family. They had divorced acrimoniously when I was young and she had gone out of her way to prevent me having contact with any of them. I refused to back down, as a result she didn't speak to me for 18 years. I initiated the reconciliation, but can never forgive her. I think you are being totally unreasonable. It's her wedding, she gets to call the shots, it won't hurt your DCs to see this man, particularly if he's on best behaviour. Perhaps just let them attend the ceremony and not any evening event where there is a chance things may be less formal. Mother prevented me from being a bridesmaid at a much loved aunt's wedding, which upset me very much. Children are more resilient than you think, but leaving them out of things makes them feel unvalued and worthless. Please think again, for everyone's sake.

it won't hurt your DCs to see this man, particularly if he's on best behaviour.

He abused them . Would you like to see someone who had abused you?

What a fucking moronic comment.

I can't belive that the abuse and tripe that has been spewed all over this thread towards the poor OP has been allowed to carry on.Why the hell haven't those posters been reined in!