Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 17 18

AIBU?

To not attend my daughter's wedding

431 replies

lastkisstoo · 28/02/2016 22:02

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

OP posts:

Report

pillowaddict · 28/02/2016 22:18

Presumably he was abusive to you and your dc - I entirely understand why you wouldn't want to go. I think your dd is being a bit selfish here, but, I would explain to your dc that you want them to know you are there for them and to protect them and help them attend their sister's wedding and ignore his presence. I understand it will be very difficult for you though.

shinynewusername · 28/02/2016 22:18

Poor DD1. No doubt you strongly encouraged her to form a bond with your ExH when the two of you got together. Now it's no longer convenient, you expect her feelings to change to match yours. It is her wedding - she is entitled to have her father figure there.

Your concern for your younger DC sounds like an excuse TBH - the real issue being that you are angry that your DD1 has not prioritised your feelings over her own. How about putting your DD1 first?

PurpleDaisies · 28/02/2016 22:18

You will kill your relationship with your daughter if you don't go. You have to try and find a way to make it work. Leave your youngest daughters at home, insist on being seated as far away from him as possible and go home early if you need to. Your daughter will get married once and things won't be the same with her afterwards if you don't go.

Gazelda · 28/02/2016 22:18

Whatever you do though, make a decision and stick to it. Don't dither and prevaricate. My MIL did this during the run up to our wedding, which made the whole time stressful for DH, upsetting for everyone who offered her a friendly ear to bend, and the focus was very firmly all on her.

starry0ne · 28/02/2016 22:19

I think to at least go alone you are risking your relationship with you oldest DD...

You are certainly old enough to handle it for one day..

Don't know the ages of your children to comment...But I think if they are old enough to be involved in all the discussions they are old enough to make a decision

Sunshine87 · 28/02/2016 22:20

i would be devasted i my mother missed my wedding your being totally unreasonable. Its her day not yours. Im not with my ds dad but i wouldnt make a song a dance about not attending social events because his dad was there. People will only think bad of you when they ask where the brides mother is not your ex.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 28/02/2016 22:20

Yabvu. I can't understand why you even need to ask. You could leave the younger DCs at home or let them decide if they want to go. That's two options that wouldn't have created drama and upset. Yet you opted for a response that created both. Why on earth would you do that to your DD? Are you trying to punish her for inviting him?

VoldysGoneMouldy · 28/02/2016 22:22

I kind of understand where you're coming from. It's so difficult when there has been aggression and violence. How old are the kids? Would there be a way you could discuss with her about you attending separate parts of the day?

grannytomine · 28/02/2016 22:22

PiperChapstick, it is just who her guests are talking to it is her younger sisters who are NC with their father because of his aggressive behaviour. Just because you are a bride it doesn't mean other people's feelings don't matter, the bride is entitled to invite anyone she wants but they don't have to go.

soapboxqueen · 28/02/2016 22:22

I think you need to decide if the behaviour he displayed to your youngest children is severe enough to warrant missing your daughter's wedding.

For whatever reason your eldest feels that whatever went on wasn't that bad.

If it was really bad, then don't go. Don't put your children through it or yourself. Your eldest will have to realise that it was a poor decision on get part given the history.

If you feel ignoring him will be enough to get through the day, then do that. Depending on the ages of your youngest children, they can decide if they should go.

shazzarooney99 · 28/02/2016 22:22

Yeh sorry but your not being very nice, have you actually even asked your children? or are you forcing your opinion on them? i think you are being really unkind!

YourLittlePlantPot · 28/02/2016 22:23

YABU. Totally utterly unreasonable.

I cannot fathom how exactly you have worked out that this is being disloyal to your younger two.

To me you're emotionally blackmailing your poor daughter and should be ashamed of yourself.

TooAswellAlso · 28/02/2016 22:23

How old are the younger DC?

Not quite the same, but my sister kept a relationship with my bio father long after I had gone NC.

He was at her wedding. I went, it was bloody hard, I collapsed in a heap with a migraine by the end of the day from the stress and avoiding him. But it was important for her. My ExH was an amazing support (we were engaged then) and I couldn't get through it without him. But I went for her, I couldn't dictate who did and didn't go.

My stepdad refused to go because my father was there. It meant my mother had to face the entire wedding without him. Her ExH and his perfect new family. Never completely forgave him for doing that to her, but my mum knew she had to go for my sister.

Yabu

PiperChapstick · 28/02/2016 22:24

Why are people blaming the eldest daughter? She just wants the people she loves at her wedding.

My friend is getting married next year but just her and her fiancé, no guests, because her parents can't stand to be in the same room as each other. I always wonder what kind of shit heads let their feelings about spending one day in the vicinity of their ex over ride what should be a significant event for their children.

PurpleDaisies · 28/02/2016 22:24

Just because you are a bride it doesn't mean other people's feelings don't matter, the bride is entitled to invite anyone she wants but they don't have to go.

Seriously. She's her mother.

Yes she is entitled not to go to the wedding. The daughter is entitled to feel incredibly hurt and cut contact with her mother.

Rainbunny · 28/02/2016 22:25

You clearly feel betrayed OP by your dd's decision, I think your feelings are more about that fact than anything else. Your dd has a separate relationship with her stepfather and he may be an awful person but he's seemingly someone she wants to have in her life.

You can choose your partners but children cannot choose their parents or step-parents. Please remember - YOU introduced this man into your dd's life and they now have a father-daughter type relationship. Unfortunately, even though he has turned out to be a bad person to you and your younger children, he apparently is someone your dd still thinks of fondly. I'm sorry but you can't reasonably expect your dd to cut someone out of her life because you have. This is a wedding that will be full of guests, I'm sure you can avoid him for the sake of your dd. Your younger children can choose to go or not, whichever they prefer. If you and your children feel unsafe around him then I understand your feelings and my advice would not be appropriate but I don't get that necessarily from your post.

BiscuitMillionaire · 28/02/2016 22:25

Could you just go to the ceremony, so that you see your daughter get married and don't have to interact with your ex, then leave and miss the reception? Explain to her that you don't want to spoil her day by having a tense situation at the reception, but you will be at the ceremony to support her.

Grilledaubergines · 28/02/2016 22:26

Don't envy you OP, it's not a good situation. I think you will regret not seeing your daughter married and it will marr the day for her which I think will in turn affect your relationship with her. Let your younger DC make their decision. But I would think long and hard about not being there. There may well be situations in the future (grandchildren being born, christened etc) where you are both asked to be there.

SanityClause · 28/02/2016 22:26

Is your daughter aware of the level of aggressive behaviour towards the younger DC?

Maybe she is thinking it's all just similar to when she was a child, when it was worse. Or maybe she has minimised the aggression meted out to her, as abused people are wont to do?

Have you spoken to her about the wedding, and why you are so upset that she has invited him. Have invitations actually been sent out, or is he just on her proposed list at this stage?

honeyroar · 28/02/2016 22:27

Your two younger children are old enough and mature enough to say that they will go (for you, you say). Follow their example and be the same for your eldest..

Apologise to your dd. say you were panicking and that you will go, but would she do all she can to make sure that you and your children are seated well away from him with lots of family and friends around you. I bet you will even enjoy yourselves. If you come across him just say you can't speak and move away.

The day is about her and her future not your past.

PacificDogwod · 28/02/2016 22:27

YANBU to be feeling utterly conflicted - how hard on you all.

But on balance I think you should go, at least to see her get married - it is a big deal. Don't stay for the reception and/or don't bring the younger children with you, but find a way to be there for her on her big day. You are less likely to regret not being there than being there in the long run I think.

roundaboutthetown · 28/02/2016 22:29

Grow up and go to your dd's wedding.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

forumdonkey · 28/02/2016 22:32

Your DD1 is in contact with your ex by attending her wedding that won't change that. All you will achieve by your stance as understandable as it is, is to miss out on your DD's wedding. How about a compromise and ask your DD to ensure the seating plan keeps you out of your ex's way? You don't say how old your other DC's are but they want to go.

dontpokethebear · 28/02/2016 22:33

You will regret not going.

bakeoffcake · 28/02/2016 22:33

I think people are being rather harsh to the op.

She's been in an abusive relationship with this man and her younger children don't want to see him again. He sounds a horrible nasty bastard.
Yes, I do think she should attend the wedding but she doesn't deserve to be told to "grow up " and other such gems.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 17 18

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.