To just not understand people who interrupt?

[MattDillonsPants]

I've had to have a serious word to DH today because of his bad habit of interrupting. We had a friend to stay for two days and nights and this friend is a VERY funny guy. He's a brilliant story teller and a great listener so I was MADDENED by DH's constant interruptions.

He'd interrupt our friend AND me in mid flow...DH isn't shy and gets his turn to speak but that wasn't enough and he wanted OUR turns too.

I asked him about it...also pointed out that his habit of entering a room already speaking loudly as he comes in is BAD. He does this and ruins current conversations.

Why do people do it? He says he might forget what he has to say but I'm dumbfounded by that...if someone's telling a great story, WHY would you ruin it like that? SO selfish.

I was kind about it because I think he had no idea how bad it was....he took it on board and also apologised to our friend who was interested in the habit...he wanted to know where it comes from because he's the sort ofguy who loves learning more about people. ANyway...if you do this why?

Coffee, Lj and Seven can I join too please? We all seem to have the same sort of thoughts about how to hold conversations! I drive my DP up the wall so clearly I need to talk to people that have conversations in the same way as me.

There was a really interesting R4 programme on this recently - link

No need to ask optimistic just come on and interrupt

OP you asked why we think we do it, now you are telling us why you think we do it. Why did you ask? I thought I was shedding light on something for you, not holding my hand out for a slap!

I hate it
I'm softly spoken and people do it to me all the time I can't bear it actually

As others have said, I often do it because I get overexcited and misjudge the conversation. It's not intentional and I hate doing it, but to an extent it's involuntary. I do my best to not do it, but I don't always get it right.

I agree with so much of what you say, MattDillon, and evenas a habitual interrupter I am aware, to a degree, that this really does irritate and annoy.
I say "aware, to a degree ", because this thread has been quite an eyeopener! I am sitting here , because the thread makes me think that I probably annoy people (alienate them, even) much more than I thought!

I do know why I have become a habitual interrupter. I'm deaf and group conversation is a bit of a minefield for me, anyway. I find it hard to follow conversation, the speed leaves me behind and if I want to have a say at all, I have to jump on in there. I miss social cues and, probably the bit that causes most irritation, if I'm looking the wrong way at the wrong moment, I often think that someone has stopped speaking (or don't realise they've started) and I will talk right over them, loudly, and keep talking right over them.

The thing is, I am (generally) aware that all this can happen, and although I will sometimes check myself, apologise and concentrate harder, a lot of the time I will simply plow on regardless, getting my bit in.

Partly, this is because it has become a habit and as I read this thread, I realise just what an unbearable habit it is for many, but also, experience has taught me that, no matter how many times I tell people I am deaf and how this might effect our communication, I know for sure that as the group conversation develops, the vast majority of people will forget to make any concessions to my participation. I am left with the choice of dropping out of most conversations or jumping right in there.

Hence my (I admit, bad) habit of interrupting. But (just sometimes) part of the cure might be to leave space for the interrupters.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interrupting cow...
MOOOOOOOOO

Definitely my kind of people Lj

I come from an interrupting family and it drives me nuts. I really hate it. I am sure I used to do it but I really hope I do it less now.

In the case of my family, everyone gets very over excited about the thing they want to say at the expense of anything with a flow, or some subtlety, that anyone else wants to say. Often the people interrupted are responding to a trigger word which brings out an old favourite anecdote or rant and it's a waste of the airwaves as we've all heard it before. It's friendliness gone mad in a way, but it drives me nuts. I can't bear it now and although I wasn't able to analyse it in that way, it is the root of a lot of the frustrations of my life as a child.

One of the things that comes with it in my family is a confidence that no one really has anything to say that someone else needs to hear. Talking is just social noise. There's an assumption deep down of some shared cultural / emotional / narrative homogeny, such that no one need actually impart information or be listened to. It is infuriating. It's also a fear of silence. Wall to wall babble is preferable to a pause to consider.

In the case of my sister specifically it is all of the above, plus a control thing, because when she is speaking she is in control. She needs to be in control a high percentage of the time or she gets upset. She is admittedly rather odd, even in the context of my family. Sometimes when she is not actually speaking she decides to sing, at length, in very strange conversational contexts, like at dinner. I see it as a dominating tactic, a way of making sure she is controlling the airwaves. her ds is on the AS spectrum (diagnosed) and ... I wonder.

The other sort of person who does this is a man (usually) who is determined to be funny so will leap in with puns and impressions and other nonsense rather than hand over the limelight till the end of the anecdote. This is a power play. I hate these men. It's distracting and annoying and there is no flow in a conversation with a man like that - just a series of jerky demands to applaud him with laughter - and you leave the evening feeling like you've hardly seen anyone else.

I do it.
I have friends who do it.
We do it to each other all the time. Its part of the to and fro of conversation between people you are close to.
We can pick up and drop three conversations at a time.

That, and everything else that Mrs DV said.

All of my family do this - we just manage to listen to two people as one trails off and the other one overlaps.

I'm not at school, waiting to raise my hand. I'm part of a group of equals who all get to speak.

BUT I wouldn't walk into a room talking, as I'd assume that there would probably be a conversation going on already.

I also don't cut people off if they're in the middle of a longer talk, just that it doesn't matter if we overlap and jump ahead a little. I find it easy to process two or three speakers at a time like that. (How else does anyone cope with kids?)

I also think that there's a big difference between an interjection, and cutting someone off.

I'll frequently add a 'yeah, sure' to what someone is saying, and actually that is an act of active listening - I'm voicing my agreement with them. I'll then shut up again so that they can continue, and it wouldn't have occurred to me that they should stop talking.

Now, if I just started talking over them, and even changed the conversation, then that would be exceptionally rude.

I think it depends. Some people just don't stop talking, and can happily give a monologue. So for it to be a conversation, you have to interrupt them and say whatever it is you want to say about ABC, because by the time you pause for breath they'll have moved way beyond that.

Also, some people have a tendency to go into minute detail to justify their opinion on X, even when everyone is already nodding along in agreement about X.

But in general, yes it is rude.

"Some people just don't stop talking, and can happily give a monologue. So for it to be a conversation, you have to interrupt them "

there is definitely an element of this with my family - it has got to the point where the only way of taking part is interruption

I agree OP. I'm an introvert and it's draining to listen on and on and on. To cope with it I've mastered the art of cancelling the noise, to nod here and there, all the while I'm somewhere else in my thoughts.

I agree that it becomes tedious if someone repeatedly and loudly does this, but some amount of interruption, phatic utterance, and change of subject is just part of the ebb and flow of conversation. My college friends and I speak loudly and at a million miles an hour about several things at once. It's a style we have developed and must be quite daunting for people outside the group.

I am aware that I sometimes do this and try my best not to. For me, it comes from high introversion, tongue tie (literal tongue tie I mean; it takes me a while to form my words so sometimes I misjudge the gap), some social awkwardness and anxiety. I score very highly on Aspergers indicators, but no formal diagnosis.

Conversation is tricky for me especially with people I don't know. I am especially bad if I say something and then the person responds and says "I know, it's the same for me" and then goes on to describe something that misrepresents what I am saying. I am over anxious to correct them. I'm quite an earnest person.

I often try to say nothing at all and just listen! But I was quite badly bullied as a child/teen for being "boring" so there is some residual anxiety over appearing outgoing and fun and loud.

I think it comes out of a desire to help and offer useful information (if I can't be fun, I might as well be useful).

So for me it definitely comes from a struggle to interact socially, especially if I don't know someone's mannerisms and speech habits. Not arrogance so much as awkwardness here.

(Also my brain does this kind of hyper-analysis thing trying to filter the most appropriate/useful/interesting thing to say from the many options my brain is flagging up. I might just be a bit distracted, but it is out of a genuine desire to make the conversation good for the other person).

I'm a barrel of laughs, honestly 😳

Interrupting is rude, but I think it's more rude to drone on and on and not recognise that the other person is waiting to speak. There are far too many people who just talk too much, and they are rarely interesting.

i'm pretty much with Mrs De Vere on this one
good conversation is reciprocal, has ebb and flow, and can meander off on all sorts of tangents

yes, incessantly interrupting is rude, but equally some people need a bit of self-awareness about how if you've been talking for a long time and no-one's chipped in, you're likely to be boring them

Toastdemon I understand, I am exactly the same

I'm with MrsDeVere and all that said similar.

Interrupting aka interjecting is often how a conversation works - unless you are on stage speaking lines.

The interrupting that is rude is speaking over someone to tell the same point (only better in your opinion) or to cut off someone and talk about something else completely. Also to complete someone's sentance.

I also think the OP sounds like she has a crush on the friend. I have a scene pictured in my head of her sitting enraptured and marvelling at the story telling (in monologue) and glaring at her husband whenever he makes a sound. .

DH does this when I'm talking to the DC, it drives me nuts!

People may not be aware - I had no idea I talked over people till someone pointed it out during a course on communication when I was in my mid-20s.

roundtable you've seen Home, haven't you?