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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this out of order to my friend? Difficult dilemma. WWYD?

455 replies

Headfulahorlix · 27/02/2016 20:12

Made a good friend a few years ago. She lives on my street. DCs are friends and we do play dates and baby sit for each other and some times go out for weekends. She moved to this street after her unhappy relationship came to an end and she feels her ex is controlling which I have witnessed and so believe.

I put my house on the market. He has offered me the full asking price.

I am desperate to move.

Would you sell to him in my position?

OP posts:
Wizwo · 01/03/2016 13:27

You've got a window of opportunity to try to get an injunction against your ex from moving into the street before the sale proceeds.

DinosaursRoar · 01/03/2016 13:29

Agree with the others, find a way to get the message to your Ex that you are planning to move, even if it involves getting an estate agent round. I would also let "friend" know you plan to move and she should just be 'on warning' that while you'll try to keep it from your ex, he's likely to find out, so if he's only buying her house in order to stalk you, it's highly likely that the sale will fall through. (obviously this can all be bollocks, but nice to make everyone feels nicely unsettled like you are).

Oooblimey · 01/03/2016 14:28

Not a chance in hell. Wouldn't even consider it. Even if it wasn't a close friend, if I had knowledge that a person lived so close to me and her abusive controlling ex wanted to buy my house - clearly only so that he can continue to hold controll over her, there is no way on earth I wouls facilite his behaviour and her misery. The fact that you say you have even witnessed it speaks volumes as these kind of characters are masters of manipulation, so if you've witnessed it I would put money on the fact that his behaviour is worse than you actually even know about. Her whole life would be in constant paranoia.
Just No. No No No No no.

DadDadDad · 01/03/2016 14:32

AcrossThePond - but (sadly) the friend won't state it like that. If she says "Can you believe it? She called off our friendship just because I sold my house to her ex!!!!" then the friend will get a more favourable reaction.

DadDadDad · 01/03/2016 14:34

Oooblimey - note that OP has revealed that this is a reverse.

Oooblimey · 01/03/2016 14:45

Sorry I've just realised that! I was just so outraged I got carried away before reading more!
OP this person is not your friend. There have been recent changes to harassment laws. As others have said, speak to citizens advise. Keep a diary of any unecessary contat he makes with you. dates and time, method of contact. If it ends up with police action for harassment your diaries will assist when police check things like phone records to show that you are telling the truth. I'm so sorry that you have been put in this situation. These characters make you think that you are being OTT but you are not. Always feel free to come back on here to be reminded that you do not deserve to be treated this way by him! x

Alanna1 · 01/03/2016 15:14

What a difficult situation. I think your friend made the wrong judgments BUT the real problem here is your ex, not your friend. And if your ex didnt buy this house, he could buy the next one that came up (which could even be next door), or he could buy through an arms length agent. Your ex is selling her house in the market and we don't know what other offers she had or what her financial position is. If your ex made an offer which was a lot higher than anyone else's, that puts your friend in a difficult position. Others have suggested you should take legal advice to see if you could get an injunction which sounds sensible advice?

AcrossthePond55 · 01/03/2016 16:45

Dad you're probably right, hopefully these friends already know her ex was abusive or they'd at least ask why OP didn't want him living there.

Original poster
Headfulahorlix · 01/03/2016 18:08

The harassment info, esp bit about 6 years, is very interesting.

He has gone from the more obvious examples listed to bizarre mind games like this, which is harder to report, just little reminders that he's still out there, seemingly in control.

I know hes the real problem but she is now part of that problem, alanna

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2016 18:12

Yes because she is helping him, and betrayed her friend.

Aworldofmyown · 01/03/2016 18:24

Are you able to move if he does go through with the purchase?

I suspect that he would be very pleased with the upset he has caused. Sad

Original poster
Headfulahorlix · 01/03/2016 18:28

That is correct, Aeroflot.

I have received several messages from her husband telling me how dare I hurt her, that this is not their problem, that this is purely about business, That I needed to sort my attitude out.

I am speechless but emphasized that they are entitled to do as they wish, but wrong to try and convince me this is OK. After all they are profiting from this situation.

No more minimizing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Headfulahorlix · 01/03/2016 18:33

This behaviour of his will continue no matter where I move. My DC are settled so I don't want to drag them about. I am just trying to keep calm and bide my time till they grow up. Nearly had a breakdown years ago due to stress of upheaval and manipulation.since then have taken all games with no reaction but this really did wind me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/03/2016 18:38

Urgh it's just awful. To them it's a business transaction and they clearly don't "get" that he has chosen their house to get at you - not just for the proximity but to make your friend take sides in the dilemma.

Flowers I hope you get somewhere in taking legal action to stop your ex following you around!! How old are the DC? How many more years can he justify his creepy controlling behaviour?

PegsPigs · 01/03/2016 18:44

It so annoys me when people's OH's get involved in their arguments!!! Your 'friend' should fight her own battles instead of her DH wading into put his two penn'rth in.

It might be business but business can still be conducted ethically. She is obviously no friend of yours but hopefully your mutual friends will see things like MNers and tell her she's a dick.

SirVixofVixHall · 01/03/2016 18:49

I'm Shock at "how dare you hurt her", blimey. Some people have no ethics at all. I suppose it is better to find that out, than to keep up a friendship with such a person. Flowers Cake and Wine for you op.

Babynamechange · 01/03/2016 18:52

Headfula you have had to develope coping strategies for ages with regards to him and you're doing amazingly. I honestly don't know how I would cope if my abusuve ex lived anywhere near us.

With this latest stunt, and in that vein, and bearing in mind that this idiot 'friend' is not going to see sense..... I would try and concentrate on the fact that he has done you a favour letting you know that this friend is actually no friend at all and that it is highly likely that this sale will NOT go through..

He just wants to screw with your friendships and I doubt that he has any intention of actually moving. Moving is expensive....solicitors fees, stamp duty etc etc... To move two streets?? Absolutely crazy!!
As for your friend, he has done you a favour. You don't need people like her in your life. You are worth so much more than that xx

Original poster
Headfulahorlix · 01/03/2016 18:58

Thanks guys. I'm still perturbed by their hurt reaction. But having been with someone who kept telling me things were in my head, etc, invalidating my emotions, I am better able to handle myself in these situations. They, like him, are not going to tell me what I should be feeling. It feels like a relief to say how I feel without this constant pressure to be the understanding one 'for the sake of our children' which is what husband wrote

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2016 19:03

Oh my goodness, the pair of them are awful, your ex friends dh sounds nasty and vile. What a coward she is getting her dh to fight her battles, dh would never do that. Your best offer without the pair if them, they lack any decency and empathy.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2016 19:04

Hollow laugh at hurting her and sorting your attitude out, the cheek of them.

Bogeyface · 01/03/2016 19:12

If you apply for, and get, an anti harassment order then you will kill 2 birds with one stone.

He wont be able to move near to you, and it will royally fuck over your ex friends as their sale will fall through. Its no less than they deserve quite honestly.

Bogeyface · 01/03/2016 19:14

Head I wonder if your friend is actually feeling like shit about doing this, but her husband is putting pressure on her, so he is projecting the blame on to you? I cant help wondering if there is more than one abusive husband in this little "business" deal.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2016 19:29

I was thinking this bogey, I have a sneaking suspicion her H is controlling this house buying, not her. He sounds like an arse.

Original poster
Headfulahorlix · 01/03/2016 19:46

Who the hell knows. I have moved to a commuter village, green lawns, etc, wanting a community. The longer I'm here the more convinced that I live in a place full of outward smiles and politeness but no one really knows each other. No one really cares.

OP posts: