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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this out of order to my friend? Difficult dilemma. WWYD?

455 replies

Headfulahorlix · 27/02/2016 20:12

Made a good friend a few years ago. She lives on my street. DCs are friends and we do play dates and baby sit for each other and some times go out for weekends. She moved to this street after her unhappy relationship came to an end and she feels her ex is controlling which I have witnessed and so believe.

I put my house on the market. He has offered me the full asking price.

I am desperate to move.

Would you sell to him in my position?

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 28/02/2016 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/02/2016 20:22

It's may be a reverse but the situation is still the same - just reversed

Your friend is a shit to do this

You aren't Flowers

Def speak to police etc about harassment

Foslady · 28/02/2016 20:23

Not an issue being a reverse, more the issue of your so called friend. Another one saying contact WA, and see what can be done. So sorry to hear that you have been dumped into this situation

YoniMitchell · 28/02/2016 20:26

Just caught up on this and regardless of the reverse, it's a shitty thing for your friend to accept his offer like this and totally gutless of her to tell you by text.

Good luck with this, hope you manage to get some weight behind you in keeping him at arm's length. Flowers

t1mum · 28/02/2016 20:27

Not an issue being a reverse, more the issue of your so called friend. Another one saying contact WA, and see what can be done. So sorry to hear that you have been dumped into this situation

This.

DansonslaCapucine · 28/02/2016 20:41

Stop saying your 'friend' is nice. She's not.

And you have some shitty people around you if they are trying to convince you that this is an okay thing to do. It's not.

BrightBagLady · 28/02/2016 20:53

Even if you cannot afford to sell up could you look at renting your out and renting elsewhere?

LadyStoicIsBack · 28/02/2016 20:54

Well I'm massively relieved it's a reverse OP and I don't think anyone going to hold it against you! Flowers

Your 'friend' is a cunt of the highest order and yep, it does sound as if a lot of minimising has gone on [her actions being the cherry on the minimisation cakeAngry] I'm another who says contact WA, ask them where you stand and can their legal team help you? Also enquire about the FAB StarFreedom ProgrammeStar if you haven't done it yet; it will help ensure that you don't get swayed by any other tosser' minimising.

I'm so sorry you're going through thisFlowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/02/2016 21:04

Do you know, this is the first time I thought "I bet this is a reverse" - normally I'm the last one to spot it!

However, I'm not upset with you at all OP - though I'm glad that you've come clean.

I'm also very sorry for you in this position, because as I said in a previous post, I suspect that the reason your ex has gone for your friend's house is to ruin the friendship between you and further isolate you. Sadly, your "friend" has been complicit in that by accepting his offer instead of telling him to do one, like most conscientious and kind friends would have done (as shown by this thread).

So, he's achieved his aim - broken your friendship, because I doubt you'll be able to look at her the same way again, and if she's moving away, I doubt the closeness that you've had will persist :(

I do think it would benefit you to contact WA. His behaviour is unpleasantly overbearing - what do you suppose would happen if you started seeing someone else, for e.g.? It's almost like being in a sort of prison, knowing that he's watching your every move. I couldn't stand that. :(

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/02/2016 21:06

Oh and I really wouldn't bother warning your "friend" that your ex might screw her over - it would actually serve her right for being so selfish, IMO.

RosyCat · 28/02/2016 21:15

Flowers I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Brew I think yes, call Women's Aid for support and advice on e.g. restraining order
Cake At the very least I would let the "friend"ship fizzle out when she moves.
Wine

WhatamessIgotinto · 28/02/2016 21:17

God no. I would never have done this to you OP, your 'friend' is nothing of the sort.

dumbbelle · 28/02/2016 21:20

People who don't understand domestic abuse can't be kept as friends.

There is no cure for idiocy.

MidniteScribbler · 28/02/2016 21:22

This is not a 'friend'. Friends do not do this to each other.

Put your house on the market. You don't have to actually accept any offers, but if he thinks you're willing to move, then he might lose interest in his latest little game. Start spreading the story that you've bought a house in Xxxx street, Xxxxx (somewhere about 100 miles away).

I said that I doubt the ex is going to bother following through on this sale. It will serve your 'friend' right to be screwed over.

And your ex-friend needs to be told exactly how much her actions have hurt you. She's a damned fool.

WonderingAspie · 28/02/2016 22:10

I was going to Come on and say your responses don't seem quite right. Now I understand why, and why you did it as a reverse.

She is a shit. I don't think one person on here said the offer should be accepted. She is no friend of yours and I hope you make this clear to her. I hope something goes wrong with the purchase but I suspect your ex would go ahead anyway. Sad

What an absolute bitch. I really hope there is such a thing as karma as she will be due!

maddening · 28/02/2016 22:30

Put your house up for sale - he might pull out of the sale if he thinks you're moving - even if you have no intention of doing so.

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/02/2016 23:11

I'm really glad this is a reverse actually, I was finding it so upsetting that someone was planning to do this and felt no compunction about it.

It being a reverse doesn't change that, though!

Someone is doing this and feeling no compunction about it.

It's just not the OP.

Grapejuicerocks · 28/02/2016 23:38

Remember as a last resort you do have the option of renting out your house and renting somewhere else yourself.

Fingers crossed it won't come to that.

She's no friend. If you even doubted that, then please take the advice about the freedom programme. You need help sorting out the good guys from the bad, in both friends and partners.

Hennifer · 29/02/2016 07:24

I've not much time to read the rest of the thread since I last posted but I gather it was a reverse - and as such I am very sorry for you OP.

I think what he is doing is solid emotional abuse and it may be worth asking WA if you can report this. He's trying to sabotage your friendships and links to other people and to monopolise your life.

It's appalling.

Can you make a log of what he has done in this regard and when? Writing it down might make it look more obvious to others, like the police for example.

If I did move again I would not be telling him where I went, as he would have no right to know. You don't have to tell him. As long as contact with the children is able to continue to meet their needs and desires, maybe meeting in public and making sure he can't follow you home, then you are under no obligation to reveal your new address. (I know you can't move at the moment, but if and when you do)

Making sure the children don't is another matter - are they aware of what he is doing to you? As they get older this will become easier to manage. It does get better I promise.

I'm sending a big hug anyway as you sound like you need it Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 29/02/2016 07:27

Or mabey text her, as that is her cowardly medium of communication that: there is nothing to talk about, I want nothing more to do with you again. Delete and block her, yes it is probably his way of isolating you from friend so, but you found out she was no friend, and betrayed you in the worse possible way, you confiding in her as a friend, and her helping his abuse of you.

Hennifer · 29/02/2016 07:30

Also worth remembering that a bully likes to scare and dominate his victim(s). If you are able to develop a sort of internal barrier to his pathetic attempts to headfuck you, and make it obvious you don't take them very seriously, maybe that will help you.

After all - buying a house nearer to you? What's that even going to achieve? Will he be able to watch you coming and going through binoculars? Will he turn up at the door randomly?

You CAN stop him from doing that, if it happens. That would be harassment.

So really he's being pathetic and it's only really a way of trying to get to you, not to make his life easier or anything. He's a bully and if you just ignore him, that will make him feel very frustrated Smile

Be direct
'Oh you're buying so and so's house? Ha! Even closer to us then! You must like moving house - is there a point to this? : )'

See what I mean? Don't show it bothers you, because really it's just willy waving. Think of him as North Korea, and you as the rest of the world Grin

Hennifer · 29/02/2016 07:34

Also (last post sorry!)

He cannot come into your home ever again, if you don't want him to.

he cannot talk to you about anything other than contact with the children, if you don't want him to

He can't be in your bed, your heart or your affections if you don't want him to.

You are free to ignore him - it's worth remembering that. He's just one of 7 billion people. The only connection you have is your children. Once that is regulated and managed in a minimal-involvement-with YOU sort of way, he's really a very small part of your life, just as he deserves to be.

One channel of communication - a special email address, or a mobile number, that you can deal with him on, and do it when you feel up to it rather than when he decides - is all you are obliged to have.

Original poster
Headfulahorlix · 29/02/2016 08:28

Hennifer, thank you for lovely post. It is true, I will have this distance.

I do however feel hurt by 'friend' who I did appreciate being in my life.

Nevermind Smile

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 29/02/2016 09:45

Your friend, as others have said, is not a kind or reliable friend at all. She is selfish, self centred and rather stupid. It is obvious to me that the reason he's chosen her house, above all the others, is to cause a rift in your friendship, or to try and find out more about you somehow. The reasons why he wants to live so close to you are also fairly obvious, and sinister, so please do get professional advice on this. Good luck.

Atenco · 29/02/2016 14:21

I understand how horrible it is to lose a friend and sometimes we don't have so many to spare, OP. But really it is better to find out that she like that sooner rather than later.

I just found out that a person I have been friends for fifteen years (and I am godmother to her children) has been consistently stealing from me. Mind you the suspicious had been growing over the last couple of years and now I am just glad to have her out of my life.