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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has damaged DS's education

248 replies

Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 07:19

We live in a small city on the South coast where most state education is not amazing. DS is Y6, so last year we went the Open Evenings/school tours of the closest 5 secondary schools. One completely blew us away. In the top 10% schools nationally for progress/results, inspirational Headteacher, lovely pupils and staff and great curriculum eg they offer Gcse Astronomy and clubs. Whilst it was clear it is very oversubscribed we were buzzing when we left. It gave me real hope.
When we got home we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there". It is a Catholic school and DH's mother is from Northern Ireland. DH says we couldn't apply there because it would upset his grandparents too much. Both late 80s one has dementia. DH has only visited them twice in the past year. We discussed it endlessly but DH wouldn't budge so we didn't apply.
Since then both GP have sadly died.
That school has just been Inspected and the Ofsted report is amazing. Outstanding with bells on. Most importantly they comment on 'a culture of respect and kindness', no disruption in lessons and that the pupils say there is hardly any bullying and it is immediately dealt with. I feel that DH has allowed prejudices he doesn't even believe in to take a great opportunity away from DS. We would probably have got in because we do attend our local C of E church and most families there send their older children to this school.
I am just so cross with DH. AIBU?

OP posts:
gleekster · 27/02/2016 12:40

YABU. No way would I have allowed my DH to make a unilateral decision that would harm my DC education for such a flimsy reason - "It would upset my grandparents."

You chose not to upset your DH over making the best choice for your son.

I hope this isn't representative of your whole family life?

Stratter5 · 27/02/2016 12:51

What does your DS want?

AFAIK you look round schools with your child, and you take your child's wishes into account when deciding. It's not just a parental decision, your child has to be comfortable with the school too.

HeffalumpHistory · 27/02/2016 12:56

I'd have applied anyway and then argued the toss should a place have been offered. Chances are it wouldn't have been.
He shouldn't get to say absolutely no way, that's not joint, that's his decision.
It's too late & you can't hold it against him forever because you chose to allow him to have the final word.
You might feel better if you tell yourself he wouldn't have gotten a place & will therefore be attending the school he has been allocated anyway

SoThatHappened · 27/02/2016 13:02

When we got home we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there".

I would have told DH to fuck off quite frankly.

DS has to go there and be physically present there until he is at least 16. If he liked it, it should have been HIS choice to want to include it on the application.

And as others have said...DS' senile great grandparents wouldnt have liked it. Who cares? I'd try to get him in.

DixieNormas · 27/02/2016 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Millymollymoo8 · 27/02/2016 13:09

I think it's your fault. I would have insisted that my child went to the best school, I could give a frigg what his grandparents thought.

uniquelyMeTwo · 27/02/2016 13:16

Sounds like Op should be doing a late application a soon as possible.

Then looking through appeals process.

Then accepting offered school place - so they have somewhere.

Check with admission people that your on waiting list for catholic school and ask for some indication of possible how far down list you are so you can gauge if you have any possible chance of place - though people moving in to area or higher up admission criteria who get added later can change place on list.

Maintaining positivity about likely offered school throughout.

All more productive than being understandably cross with your DH.

tiggytape · 27/02/2016 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Verbena37 · 27/02/2016 13:45

Just because a school is deemed outstanding by Ofsted doesn't mean it doesn't have any problems or failings OP.

Our current primary is C of E and whilst being rated Outstanding, I personally would only rate it good.....mainly because I don't believe e pastoral care is what it should be. On paper, your catholic school may look outstanding but still have issues and the school you've applied to, whilst not being outstanding, might be better for your child in the long run. You just won't know until he's there.

Your DH was BU in my opinion though.....not to discuss it more openly with you and for both of you to come to an agreement.
Hope you work it out and your DS is happy where ever he goes Smile

Katenka · 27/02/2016 14:21

That's only half true. There's nothing to stop OP applying for a place tomorrow (as a late applicant of course - just as someone who moves house in February applies as a late applicant).

But her form is submitted and results are Tuesday

Katenka · 27/02/2016 14:22

OP can't get on the waiting list unless she has applied to the school. At the point when she does so, if she is turned down, she will be able to appeal.

That's not true. We went on several wait lists for schools we hadn't applied for

VestalVirgin · 27/02/2016 14:23

He should have said no before you visited but if you aren't catholic then I think he kind of has a point.

Nope. My family are atheists, I went to a religious school because it was the best one in the area. Why not? Just as long as the school is good enough to outweigh the fact that you have to go to Church once a week, or whatever the requirements are ...

I think it's a bit nonsensical to berate her about giving her husband the last decision. Not putting your foot down when you should really have happens to us all. No use crying over spilled milk.

The son can probably still go to the school, I'd try in any case.

titchy · 27/02/2016 14:24

Katenka she can still apply even though results are out. She'd be a late application but the LEA is legally obliged to accept her new application and process it.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 27/02/2016 14:32

I'd want to check that changing your options on the form this late won't make your entire application late.

With results on Tuesday, its so late that shouldn't be a problem, but making yourself a late applicant on all your schools wouldn't be the best idea.

Waiting until the places are out then making a new application is a better idea.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 14:38

I'd want to check that changing your options on the form this late won't make your entire application late.

Exactly. Also there is a cut off (in my area at least) for being able to amend or change your application.

Can't remember the exact day as dd is now in year 7. So it was a year ago for me.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 27/02/2016 14:57

I doubt it would be processed before Tuesday, but there's potential for a massive cock-up further down the line which could prove complicated to untangle. And the Op might not have a very strong case if the LA decide that a new application made after deadline day but before offers day signals the OPs intent to withdraw her previous application.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 15:10

I think the issue is also that the OP isn't sure he would get in.

She think he would because people who go to her CofE church have their kids there. But that could coincidence.

It's not a Catholic Church and those people may live closer to the school. Even catholic schools criteria is usually based on who lives closest to some degree.

She has also stated he is unlikely to get in on the waiting list. If she put him on the waiting list and he wasn't high up (as waiting lists follow the same criteria as applications) then he wouldn't have got in anyway.

So she could end up, redoing her form (if that's possible at this time) the whole form is then classed as a late application and she doesn't get him in anyway.

Getting him into that school is by no means a cert, even if it had been number one on their list.

Original poster
Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 16:17

DS is quite happy with school we will probably get. Most of his class will go there and it is only 5 minutes walk away. The results are not as good but DS is bright and outgoing so should manage well. DD is quiet and quite shy so the Catholic school will be better for her because it appears to be amazing on a pastoral basis.

DH and I agreed that neither would over rule the other with decisions about the DC. Family unity is very important to him because of his DM lifetime of never considering anyone else's ideas as having value (she is on husband no 5).

I know it was a wrong title but I had just read the report and it makes the school sound like heaven on earth. Just asked DS whether he wishes he was going there and he said not really because they have green blazers and it is really strict and you get loads more homework than the school he is going to go to!!!

Just have to hope it all works out (and go on the waiting list ).

OP posts:
Katenka · 27/02/2016 16:25

If he isn't that fussed about going there. He will probably be fine at the other school.

Not every child thrives at 'outstanding schools'.

I am sure he will be fine. If a place comes up you an ask ds then

LoveBoursin · 27/02/2016 16:27

Trumps I agree. You had a rule that no one would over rule the other. It does look in that case that your DH did over rule you by not even been open to discussion in the first place (see what he told your ds coming back from it). It makes me wonder why on earth he even agreed to go and visit the school in the first place if the religious aspect was such an issue for him too..

Tbh, I would have a chat with your DH about it. Not abut the school choice but about his behaviour when he is suppose to work WITH you to find a compromise and he refuses to do so.
Deciding to put the dc on the waiting list is a very good opportunity to do so tbh.

gleekster · 27/02/2016 16:32

DH and I agreed that neither would over rule the other with decisions about the DC

How do you align this statement with your earlier statement:
"When we got home we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there".

Original poster
Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 16:39

I can see where people got the wrong idea about DH from my initial post where I was in a strop but he really is not a problem! It just didn't hit him it was a Catholic school until we got home. He just felt it would look like rejection of them if we applied. I went along because it is so rare for him to feel strongly about something. He is actually a kind and gentle man (well not at the moment because he has gone to the football and is probably yelling away) and now some of you have made me feel really guilty for portraying him as a bigoted bully.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 27/02/2016 16:42

If your DS isn't bothered then I wouldn't make any further issue of it tbh.

What if he did get into the Catholic school and then found once there that it wasn't as amazing as it had portrayed itself to be at open evening or to Ofsted? Had just put on a huge show for each?

If he is bright and wants to do well then he will rise to the top at the other school too. Schools are more than just a set of results and Ofsted reports.

Topseyt · 27/02/2016 16:48

I don't think he is necessarily a bigoted bully either. He made a cock up, his reasoning was shaky at best and he miscommunicated. We can all do it. It doesn't make him a bad person or a bad parent.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 16:56

I don't think he is a bigoted bully either.

I don't think you have definitely made a bad decision either.