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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has damaged DS's education

248 replies

Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 07:19

We live in a small city on the South coast where most state education is not amazing. DS is Y6, so last year we went the Open Evenings/school tours of the closest 5 secondary schools. One completely blew us away. In the top 10% schools nationally for progress/results, inspirational Headteacher, lovely pupils and staff and great curriculum eg they offer Gcse Astronomy and clubs. Whilst it was clear it is very oversubscribed we were buzzing when we left. It gave me real hope.
When we got home we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there". It is a Catholic school and DH's mother is from Northern Ireland. DH says we couldn't apply there because it would upset his grandparents too much. Both late 80s one has dementia. DH has only visited them twice in the past year. We discussed it endlessly but DH wouldn't budge so we didn't apply.
Since then both GP have sadly died.
That school has just been Inspected and the Ofsted report is amazing. Outstanding with bells on. Most importantly they comment on 'a culture of respect and kindness', no disruption in lessons and that the pupils say there is hardly any bullying and it is immediately dealt with. I feel that DH has allowed prejudices he doesn't even believe in to take a great opportunity away from DS. We would probably have got in because we do attend our local C of E church and most families there send their older children to this school.
I am just so cross with DH. AIBU?

OP posts:

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 27/02/2016 09:24

He may have made a wrong decision but equally you did too as it was joint.

However, that's not the worse one. The worse one would be sending a siblings to a different better school showing them that they are not treated equally. That could have implications far beyond a piece of paper with exam results on it.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 09:24

The OP said herself that she intends to send her DD there. Wonder how that will make her DS feel?

Who knows?

He might not care!!!

phequer · 27/02/2016 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 09:27

Or she might not want to go, or not get it at all.

ssd · 27/02/2016 09:28

YABVU

you let your son down and you are trying to blame your dh and his views

sometimes you have to stand up for what you know is right for your child and in this instance you didnt

you allowed the damage to happen and you arent taking responsibility for this.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/02/2016 09:33

Rhonda, I refer you to the very level headed post by katenka at 08:53:40

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 09:34

There is a deeply rooted sectarian othering that still exists in NI; and it is so sad that a child 2 generations later who doesn't even live there is still a victim of this.

Yup.

PurpleDaisies · 27/02/2016 09:35

you allowed the damage to happen and you arent taking responsibility for this.
Damage? What damage has been done? The ds might very well thrive in the other school.

uniquelyMeTwo · 27/02/2016 09:38

Just realised this kid missed out on a great school to avoid offending his greatgrandparents!

This seems mad to me.

My MIL told me I wouldn't be allowed to send my then only child to a religious school even a C of E schools. I firmly told her that we our child's parents would decide on our children school and it would be the best one we could get her into that education was too important to to otherwise.

When it came to it the best school was C of E - DH was that keen but it was the best school by far in our area as well as our catchment school so our children went there even though we are both atheists. MIL never batted an eye lid despite all her prior objections.

Having said that We weren't keen on catholic secondary schools and that was without any historical reason - there was one near us very good and one of the few palatable option in that location but still not sure we'd have been applying though we might have. Luckily we moved.

YABU as the time to object and make a reasoned argument that education was too important to mess with was months ago.

YANBU to be annoyed about your DH going on about how great catholic school is.

We've made our choice of secondary and we are happy - I'd have loved to be in another more expensive part of town with "better" secondary wasn't an option as couldn't afford to buy there.

Yet last week or so as we wait DD1 is suddenly hearing all this negativity form past pupils going there coming back to primary or from fellow yr 6 some going there and some other secondary's. It isn't helpful or making her excited and enthusiastic about new school.

ssd · 27/02/2016 09:40

purpledaisies, damage as in referring to the op's title

PurpleDaisies · 27/02/2016 09:41

I don't accept that any damage has been done. He's hoibg to a different school. That doesn't have to be damaging.

uniquelyMeTwo · 27/02/2016 09:41

Damage? What damage has been done? The ds might very well thrive in the other school.

^^ This is very possible - it might turn out to be the very best place for your DS. I'd certainty try thinking along those lines.

So would't be dwelling on all the supposed benefits your DS has missed out on but focus on what the new school can do for him.

BabyGanoush · 27/02/2016 09:42

Put him on the waiting list

Meanwhile make themost of the school you got.

By the time a place comes up you may no longer want it (have seen this often)

So, you fell in love with a school, a glittering beacon of amazingness... It is just a school, other schools can work out fine or better, it depends in the tutor group, tutor, cohort, your sons attitude to school, the support he gets from you etc.

Really, just make the most of the school you got. Get kn the waiting list if you must.

In the nicest possible way: get over it

ssd · 27/02/2016 09:42

actually, thinking about this further, I think your dh has inherited his grandparents prejudices more than you realise

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 09:44

I think it's quite damaging to be told you can't even apply to your preferred secondary school because of your great grandparents' bigotry.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/02/2016 09:45

It doesn't matter if lots of other parents put the school down as first choice and are now on the waiting list. If you would have got in ahead of them then you are ahead of them on the waiting list.

But don't take my word for it. Post asking on one of the education categories. There are two posters there (tiggytape and admission) who are experts on this type of thing.

Heatherplant · 27/02/2016 09:46

Hummm, sounds like the prejudice runs a little deeper than you may like to believe. No reason your son won't thrive at the school he has been allocated though.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 09:48

Loads of kids don't get their school of choice bathtime

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 09:49

I think your dh has inherited his grandparents prejudices more than you realise

Sounds more like he was brought up by a woman who rejected those prejudices and he needed to adopt them to ingratiate himself with the family she left behind.

I think it would be pretty unusual for someone of his age from NI who was living in England to behave like that.

But people seeking out their "heritage" often fail to understand it and go overboard.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 09:50

Loads of kids don't get their school of choice bathtime

What has that got to do with a child's father banning him for applying to his preferred school?

phequer · 27/02/2016 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 09:52

What has that got to do with a child's father banning him for applying to his preferred school?

His father didn't ban him. Not sure if you are reading the same thread. But on this one the op has said joint decision, several times. And the her title was a it dramatic

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 09:53

we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there".

That sounds a lot like a Daddy ban to me.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/02/2016 09:57

I just think it doesn't have to be a joint decision. I'm pretty sure you don't have to have both parental signatures on the application form? If you have parental responsibility (as a child's mother) then you can take responsibility for the decisions if you so choose? Fortunately DH is quite happy to leave all this to me. I guess you made a decision that it should be a joint decision and perhaps you do need to take responsibility for that? It's an approach that isn't without it's merits?

However I hope it all works out for you and your DS Trump
Did I gather you have a DD who you are thinking of sending to this school?
Maybe focus on that and possibly DS could join for the sixth form?

Twinklestein · 27/02/2016 09:59

You're BU insofar as it was your decision to allow him veto.

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