DH has damaged DS's education

[Trumpstrumpingagain]

We live in a small city on the South coast where most state education is not amazing. DS is Y6, so last year we went the Open Evenings/school tours of the closest 5 secondary schools. One completely blew us away. In the top 10% schools nationally for progress/results, inspirational Headteacher, lovely pupils and staff and great curriculum eg they offer Gcse Astronomy and clubs. Whilst it was clear it is very oversubscribed we were buzzing when we left. It gave me real hope.
When we got home we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there". It is a Catholic school and DH's mother is from Northern Ireland. DH says we couldn't apply there because it would upset his grandparents too much. Both late 80s one has dementia. DH has only visited them twice in the past year. We discussed it endlessly but DH wouldn't budge so we didn't apply.
Since then both GP have sadly died.
That school has just been Inspected and the Ofsted report is amazing. Outstanding with bells on. Most importantly they comment on 'a culture of respect and kindness', no disruption in lessons and that the pupils say there is hardly any bullying and it is immediately dealt with. I feel that DH has allowed prejudices he doesn't even believe in to take a great opportunity away from DS. We would probably have got in because we do attend our local C of E church and most families there send their older children to this school.
I am just so cross with DH. AIBU?

[BathtimeFunkster]

He just felt it would look like rejection of them if we applied.



So he out their feelings and his own ahead of what his son wanted and what was best for him.

Brilliant parenting.

Definitely worth backing him up in that.

[littleleftie]

I can see where people got the wrong idea about DH from my initial post where I was in a strop but he really is not a problem

What was the point of the post at all then? Your OP is all about what a bastard your DH is, and ends I am just so cross with DH. AIBU?

You started your thread, slagged off your DH, got a load of YABU because you shouldn't have allowed DH to walk all over you, and have now done a massive backtrack saying it wasn't down to DH at all and he is lovely.

Either your original thread was a load of crap, and you had always agreed to DS not going because of the GPs, in which case YABU, or your original thread was true, in which case YABU not to tell DH not to be so fucking stupid.

[Topseyt]

I can get very cross with my DH, have a good strop and rant at times too. Why not. It is often a coping mechanism. Doesn't make him a bad person. Just not perfect (and nor am I). Perhaps same for OP??

[Topseyt]

Oh, and when I go into strop and rant mode I would probably make DH out to be some kind of monstrous ogre, which is totally untrue. I am just riled about something he has said or done that day.

I am recently out of hospital having needed surgery on a severely broken arm. DH is being very good and looking after me, running the DDs around, taking on more of my usual roles. Doesn't mean no tensions though and we all get it wrong sometimes.

[gleekster]

Hmmmm, the way this has panned out I am inclined to agree with PP who say the DH is not so bad as the OP has made out.

I think she did agree willingly to his assertion that DS shouldn't go to the "good" school and it was a joint decision. A piss poor show really.

I hope DS loves the school he does end up at and that it doesn't "Damage Ds's Education."

[Katenka]

So he out their feelings and his own ahead of what his son wanted and what was best for him

Bathtime let it go. We all make mistakes. We all would do certain things a bit differently if we went back. Sometimes people pick schools for their kids for the wrong reasons. Sometimes it works out sometimes it doesn't.

[Katenka]

The OP was having a rant.

She saw the ofsted report and in her dismay came here ranted about how it was all dhs fault.

Except now she has calmed down she has seen that it wasn't and it's not the end of the world.

Give her break.

[ovenchips]

I agree OP. I don't think he deserves to be called any names. He made a 'hot' decision about something really rather emotive for him.

You are now where you are about schools for your DS. I am sure things will all work out well and come September your son will be at his new school and things will all feel like they've worked out for the best.

I think your initial anger was not misplaced though - you knew your DH had allowed emotion to cloud his judgement. This stopped an important decision about your son being purely chosen because everyone (you, DH, DS) thought it was the 'best' choice for him. You were perfectly entitled to be angry.

If you already have a rule that you don't overide one another, maybe in light of this, you can add in a clause that strong emotional reactions felt by one parent need to be challenged and unpicked, and should not get to automatically trump other reasoning.

Anyway, very best of luck for your boy's new school. Exciting times ahead for him!

[Ruckeroony]

A space often comes up if you're prepared to transfer your DC after a year or so. I would do that.

[Twinklestein]

I think any school that's stricter with more homework is likely to be a better bet for a bright boy, particularly if it also has good pastoral care.

If there's a chance to transfer at a later point I'd snatch it personally.

Fwiw I never got the impression your husband was any kind of bully, merely intractable on this point.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I'm fascinated by the idea that neither of you will overrule the other when it comes to the children - how on earth do you plan to resolve conflicting ideas on what should happen with them? One of you will always "win" - do you take it in turns, or what?

[maydancer]

Open evenings are not real- you think they will wheel out the hard core ' nutters' and grumpy git teachers will be themselves?
Did they show you all the super duper facilities your kid will never get to use? The best schools need to make the least effort at open evening

[maydancer]

I agree thumb witch the boy is not like Schrödinger s cat
He can't both go and not go to the school - someone has to give in even with a joint decision

[straighttalker]

I'm sure things will work out fine, OP. YANBU on one hand - your husband's reasons were ridiculous. I don't pretend to understand the complexity of his relationship with his gps but that was a weird moment to pick to identify with their Protestant background (he couldn't have just taken a quick trip over to NI on the 12th, waved a few flags, marched up and down and went home with a hangover?)
On the other hand, I agree with the other posters saying YABU for not objecting more strongly at the time. If he is the man you say he is, you'd like to think that if you'd pointed out how distasteful and anachronistic the reasoning for his veto was, he'd have realised he was being a plonker and wised up.

By the way phequer you are very much sectarian.

Not sending your children to a school with a religious ethos because you're an atheist, fine. Not sending your children to a school with a Catholic religious ethos because of your Protestant non-religious heritage and the fact your dad wouldn't like it, not fine. He wouldn't like it because of his (and by extension, yours) bias against Catholics. This is bigotry. If you think it isn't, you're suffering from a fairly large plank in your eye.

My sister was born and raised as RC in West Belfast and still practices as RC. She married an agnostic Protestant. Her children were baptised as Catholic but don't practice. They both attended a secondary school with a Protestant ethos because guess what? It was the nearest school, it had really good results, it was the best choice for the kids. She didn't give a flying f**k what my highly Catholic parents thought, and quite rightly so (tbh they didn't have any issues with it - they might well have in the seventies or eighties, but thankfully have evolved with the times).

The best education, and the right choice of pastoral care/environment for the children should be prioritised over pointless and deeply rooted prejudice. Can't really believe this is even a discussion.
And I'm an ex-Northern Irish ex-convent school girl from the Falls FFS. I'd send my kids to a 'Protestant' school in a heartbeat if I thought it was a better school and environment than others.

[Out2pasture]

I have not read the whole tread.
surely the c of e grandparents would have preferred their grandchild attend a faith school than an atheist one?
very narrow minded of your dh.

[mummylove2monsters]

I feel for you - had a similar issue myself but it was down to fuel costs and travel with my husband ( he had a point ) but we ended up sending my son to the local school who have in my opinion let him down - countless meetings discussing his needs and they have not been met - he's now taking his options and I feel so guilty for letting my husband rule the final decision !!! Get your son on the waiting list for the school you wanted and make the change before you hit GCSE time and feel how I do xxxx all schools have a church of something- it makes no difference- do what your gut tells you and good luck xxxx

[StrandedStarfish]

Things that spring to mind

Why didn't your son choose his school? Why not ask him where he wants to educated?

It was oversubscribed so you cannot say with any degree of certainty that he would have received a place there.

The Good Friday Peace Agreement was in 1998. If the main protagonists can move on, so can everyone else. Not laying that at entirely at your husbands great grandparents door. There may be other personalities and beliefs involved

It's not just schools who educate children. There will be Dr Who and chess groups that your son can join. You can take him to local astronomical societies and encourage / facilitate his interests outside of school.

If it's so important to you all then apply to transfer schools. Might I suggest that you and your sons father foster a culture of respect and kindness as this would have the greatest impact on your son. I wonder how he feels with all this going on. If he feels that the school is not quite good enough, he may feel like he isn't good enough.

Apologies for being blunt. This is fixable.

[Lilyargin]

If you are not catholic why do you assume you would have got in? I used to teach in a catholic school with outstanding ofsted reports and lots of people were falling over themselves to get in. No letter from your local priest/no confirmation classes attended etc, and they wouldn't get in. The school also claimed 'an ethos of a caring community' and no bullying and it wasn't true. The school's priest was also sent to prison for horrendous child abuse stretching back many years - all hushed up of course. Why should you go to a catholic school for catholic children when you are not? You may well have had a lucky escape. In any case, it's in the past now, you didn't apply so it's not helpful to think of might have beens. Embrace the school he's in/will go to!

[glowfrog]

The GPs really didn't have to know. What a shame.