DH has damaged DS's education

[Trumpstrumpingagain]

We live in a small city on the South coast where most state education is not amazing. DS is Y6, so last year we went the Open Evenings/school tours of the closest 5 secondary schools. One completely blew us away. In the top 10% schools nationally for progress/results, inspirational Headteacher, lovely pupils and staff and great curriculum eg they offer Gcse Astronomy and clubs. Whilst it was clear it is very oversubscribed we were buzzing when we left. It gave me real hope.
When we got home we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there". It is a Catholic school and DH's mother is from Northern Ireland. DH says we couldn't apply there because it would upset his grandparents too much. Both late 80s one has dementia. DH has only visited them twice in the past year. We discussed it endlessly but DH wouldn't budge so we didn't apply.
Since then both GP have sadly died.
That school has just been Inspected and the Ofsted report is amazing. Outstanding with bells on. Most importantly they comment on 'a culture of respect and kindness', no disruption in lessons and that the pupils say there is hardly any bullying and it is immediately dealt with. I feel that DH has allowed prejudices he doesn't even believe in to take a great opportunity away from DS. We would probably have got in because we do attend our local C of E church and most families there send their older children to this school.
I am just so cross with DH. AIBU?

It's not a joint decision if the OP's DH holds the power in the family and in the relationship - which is obviously the case because the OP said they discussed it endlessly and he wouldn't budge

If OP had that kind of relationship where her DH has all the power - then she has accepted that situation for what ever reason.

She hasn't happened to her - it's a situation she would have to had accepted and be continuing to accept.

She accepted not applying for this school - she could have applied anyway without her DH consent or put her foot down and said this is what is happening and dealt with the fall out.

When she didn't apply she may not have happily agreed but she want along with her DH view so it was a joint decision.

It's bloody annoying for her that her DH may now have changes his position especially as she probably went along with his view to keep peace rather than be converted to it. She still went along with it - resentment now is going to be more harmful I personally would have thought than dealing with the current situation - put DS down on waiting list and give the assigned school a fair shake for their DS sake.

God Almighty. You are both to blame - your husband because he's ridiculous enough to have pandered to a sectarianism two generations removed from him, in a place he's never lived in, and you because you capitulated. If it mattered that much to you you should have stood your ground.

I think some of the posts on here also skirt close to saying that all Catholic schools are weirdy weird places of indoctrination, which is not the case.

Appeal for it if you don't get a place.

She can't appeal. The application is in. Results on Tuesday ish.

You can't appeal for a school she didn't apply for. She can go on the wait list.

At no point has OP said that DH ever convinced her that making a desicion based on the prejudices of old relatives was sensible. She just gave up that's all.

So if she made a decision that it wasn't worth fighting her DH on this - it was her decision to accept the situation and not apply to the school.

This in't something she had no input with - this wasn't done behind her back.

If it is really so damaging to her DS - then really she should have fought harder at application time not moan now.

Not that I don't think she should be annoyed with her DH changing his views now.

Katenka the OP is clear it wasn't a joint decision. It's not about other women or what you would do, it's about the information we have from the OP because that's all we have to go on.

Ffs the op said she chose to go along with his reasoning. She wasn't bullied. He gave his reasons. At the time she felt it was reasonable.

YANBU his wish to 'protect' his grandparents shouldn't have got in the way of hs ds education especially as he knew that the school was so much better.

I suspect that when your ds will go to secondary and will have to experience first hand the less than adequate school he isgoing to, he will deeply regret it.

Now my DH has done the same (for a different reason). dcs at a very poor school but DH refused to move them to another primary school near us 'because you just go the primary school next to you, where you can walk to' It took me a year to convince him, a year of arguments and a year when dc2 suffered a lot from a very poor teacher.
And then when he finally agreed and we moved the dcs, within 6 montsh he was commenting how we should have moved them sooner... I could have strangled him.

In your place, if your DH now agrees to that school, I would put your ds name on the list so he can go there as soon as there is a place (there will be some, people move etc...).

That's why I said apply for the school. Regardless of what she put in her original application or the school he is allocated next week, she can still put in an application.

It will be turned down but then she can appeal.

She CAN do something, or she can sit a home doing nothing but resent her dh for making a crap decision.

That's why I said apply for the school. Regardless of what she put in her original application or the school he is allocated next week, she can still put in an application.

It will be turned down but then she can appeal.

She CAN do something, or she can sit a home doing nothing but resent her dh for making a crap decision.

That's why I said apply for the school. Regardless of what she put in her original application or the school he is allocated next week, she can still put in an application.

It will be turned down but then she can appeal.

She CAN do something, or she can sit a home doing nothing but resent her dh for making a crap decision.

That's why I said apply for the school. Regardless of what she put in her original application or the school he is allocated next week, she can still put in an application.

It will be turned down but then she can appeal.

She CAN do something, or she can sit a home doing nothing but resent her dh for making a crap decision.

She CAN do something, or she can sit a home doing nothing but resent her dh for making a crap decision.

That I agree with

Why should your wishes trump his?

Well, unless I'm missing something, clearly they don't. His wishes trump hers!

Personally I would make every effort to try to get him into that school, and of course, his sister too. There's no reason she should suffer because your DH made the wrong choice for her older sibling.

Why should your wishes trump his?

Well, unless I'm missing something, clearly they don't. His wishes trump hers!

Personally I would make every effort to try to get him into that school, and of course, his sister too. There's no reason she should suffer because your DH made the wrong choice for her older sibling.

Katenga what do you think the OP should have done instead?
What other alternative was there?

If my experience with DH is anything to go by, I had a year of fighting with him to make him change his mind.
And the only reason he did is because I was more stubborn than him and he was the one to giv up first. But he was ressentful about it and it did cause a lot of other issues within the relationship.

I have no regret about doing that. It WAS the best decision for the dcs but in the OP's case, what do yu think the cost would have been>

*maydancer

Maybe they have lost friends and family in ira bombings.o cm see then how your dh might feel it disrespectful to choose a catholic school*

I think that's the most stupid thing I've ever read on mumsnet, congratulations.

*maydancer

Maybe they have lost friends and family in ira bombings.o cm see then how your dh might feel it disrespectful to choose a catholic school*

I think that's the most stupid thing I've ever read on mumsnet, congratulations.

It WAS the best decision for the dcs but in the OP's case, what do yu think the cost would have been

I don't know but the OP clearly took a decision they weren't worth fighting her DH on the school front for.

So I suspect it less the actual school applied is really damaging to her DS - and she wouldn't know yet really - but looks at the minutes not as good as what they could have had and her DH recent actions are rubbing her nose in that a bit flaring up resentment.

The best thing she can do now is find out how to get on the waiting list and make sure they make the most of the school place they get given if they have to take it up.

I would just have stuck it on the application anyway. if he got a place you dealt with it then, if he didnt, no harm done. Unless DH would have looked over your shoulder as you did it.

DH has damaged DS's education bold assumption as the title of the thread. Can you see what your DS will be like at 16 or 18.

I went to a SHIT comprehensive with no astronomy gcse, Dr who or chess clubs. I am a solicitor and so is one of my other classmates from there. HTH.

It WAS the best decision for the dcs but in the OP's case, what do yu think the cost would have been

I don't know but the OP clearly took a decision they weren't worth fighting her DH on the school front for.

So I suspect it less the actual school applied is really damaging to her DS - and she wouldn't know yet really - but looks at the minutes not as good as what they could have had and her DH recent actions are rubbing her nose in that a bit flaring up resentment.

The best thing she can do now is find out how to get on the waiting list and make sure they make the most of the school place they get given if they have to take it up.

Katenka, OP can't get on the waiting list unless she has applied to the school. At the point when she does so, if she is turned down, she will be able to appeal.