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AIBU?

DH has damaged DS's education

248 replies

Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 07:19

We live in a small city on the South coast where most state education is not amazing. DS is Y6, so last year we went the Open Evenings/school tours of the closest 5 secondary schools. One completely blew us away. In the top 10% schools nationally for progress/results, inspirational Headteacher, lovely pupils and staff and great curriculum eg they offer Gcse Astronomy and clubs. Whilst it was clear it is very oversubscribed we were buzzing when we left. It gave me real hope.
When we got home we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there". It is a Catholic school and DH's mother is from Northern Ireland. DH says we couldn't apply there because it would upset his grandparents too much. Both late 80s one has dementia. DH has only visited them twice in the past year. We discussed it endlessly but DH wouldn't budge so we didn't apply.
Since then both GP have sadly died.
That school has just been Inspected and the Ofsted report is amazing. Outstanding with bells on. Most importantly they comment on 'a culture of respect and kindness', no disruption in lessons and that the pupils say there is hardly any bullying and it is immediately dealt with. I feel that DH has allowed prejudices he doesn't even believe in to take a great opportunity away from DS. We would probably have got in because we do attend our local C of E church and most families there send their older children to this school.
I am just so cross with DH. AIBU?

OP posts:

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tobysmum77 · 27/02/2016 07:40

I think you should have stood up more strongly for what you wanted. So yabu for blaming dh for that. If my dh had told me that mil wouldn't like the dc going to a Catholic school I'd have pmsl and unless she was willing to stump up the money for an indie it was something she had no say over at all. But yanbu for being cross with dh over this.

PurpleDaisies · 27/02/2016 07:40

I don't get it-why was your dh allowed to "put his foot down" if you felt that strongly about it?

It's fine for people not to want to send their kids to faith schools for whatever reason they want. It's not compulsory.

Arkhamasylum · 27/02/2016 07:40

Can you, and would you want to, swap school now, OP? If so, you should look into it. If not, the decision is made and there's no point regretting it now.

ovenchips · 27/02/2016 07:41

Sounds like it's done now though?

You really didn't agree with him when it came to choosing schools but his choice was the one that decided on schools.

Nothing's changed since then. Surely the Ofsted is only confirming what you knew when you looked around? That it's a superb school that your son wanted to attend.

I would have agreed with you and I think if that was really your husband's reason for saying he didn't want that school, I would not have accepted that as valid.

But I am not so sure I understand this new wave of anger about it. You acquiesced to your husband's choice in the matter by not choosing that school, so was it not in the end a mutual decision not to send your son?

tobysmum77 · 27/02/2016 07:42

Why should your wishes trump his?

Er well because it's about education. Catholic secondaries are not generally that ott and the op is a church goer.

phequer · 27/02/2016 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 07:45

YANBU

Why did you let his parents' stupid sectarian prejudice affect your English son's choice of school?

Ridiculous situation.

phequer · 27/02/2016 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/02/2016 07:46

You've got six months until your child starts secondary - if the problem is now solved (by grandparents dying) then get your son on the waiting list straight away. If you would have got in then you'll be top of the list (as current top will be the first who didn't get in IYSWIM) and if you are not then you wouldn't have got in anyway so you can stop blaming your Dh.

In a decent sized secondary there will normally be a bit of movement over six months so you have decent odds.

phequer · 27/02/2016 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tobysmum77 · 27/02/2016 07:48

But I don't think that the so-called divide between protestant/ c of e and Catholicism can be termed 'ethical'.

In any case I could find an ethical objection to most schools but finding the right school for the dc must take priority is my opinion.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 07:51

I had an entirely Catholic education until I was 18 and left education.

I wouldn't choose a catholic school either. Not sure how that choice is sectarian.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 07:52

Is it sectarian of me, Bathtime, to say that I don't want my child to go to a Catholic school?

It might be, depending on your reasons.

Given that "Unionist heritage" is largely based around sectarian rejection of papists, then if that was your reason the answer would be yes.

"No son, you can't go to the school you loved and join the Dr Who club, because your Granny hates Catholics and would disgusted to know you were going to a Fenian school."

Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 07:53

If it was because of DH's beliefs I would have no complaint but it was because of his grandparents, his mother left NI because she hated the sectarianism and is a happy atheist. But because of that DH was alienated from his GP for many years and it upset him. I just want to kick myself about it. the school DS will go to is nowhere near as good, not awful but lacks the warmth. whilst it is clear religion is central to the school they made a point that in the same way as they expect all pupils to respect the Catholic faith. They expect all faiths to be equally respected. There is no way we will ever get in, only outstanding secondary in the city plus is amazing with special needs, sensory unit etc so spare places are often filled, quite rightly, with children who would benefit from those resources.

OP posts:

SpotOn · 27/02/2016 07:53

If your DH felt so strongly why did he even look round?

ovenchips · 27/02/2016 07:53

I think if the DH had genuinely felt he didn't want his son to go to a Catholic school that is a perfectly valid reason.

But he doesn't think that - now the grandparents have died he has said he would now choose the Catholic school.

That's a very different reasoning behind the choice.

tobysmum77 · 27/02/2016 07:54

Is it sectarian of me, Bathtime, to say that I don't want my child to go to a Catholic school?

I think you have to find the right school for your child. I would not send my dc to a Catholic primary as an athiest because it would confuse them so would be wrong. Secondary is different though imo as they are better able to understand that people have different beliefs and I would if it was the best school I could get my children into. I would prefer a non faith school, however so I guess I don't want mine to go to a Catholic school particularly and the one round here isn't particularly good anyway

phequer · 27/02/2016 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsFrankRicard · 27/02/2016 07:55

I think YANBU really, the situation in England is ridiculous with all these faith schools though, all state schools should be secular - in this day and age I really find it quite unbelievable.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/02/2016 07:55

I am guessing that you are currently waiting to hear which school your son has been allocated. I agree with pp, you need to get on the waiting list ASAP, if your DH has now changed his objection in the light of his family deaths.

YABU blaming him as this was your joint agreement as you agreed to compromise what you wanted.

YABU to say he has damaged your son's education (over reaction, much, and I do know the coast school situation)

But you can now do something about it if you wish to.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 07:56

My catholic school respected all faiths. The Catholic religion was still central.

We spent lots of time studying other religions. There were pupils of many religions that attended.

It was still Catholic and centred round that.

PerettiChelsea · 27/02/2016 07:56

Would your dh send him there now that gps have died?

If so he's not really objecting on the grounds of belief is he...he was worried what his family would think of him. He's weak, get him on the waiting list asap

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Seeyounearertime · 27/02/2016 07:57

Does it matter? i mean deep down?

If your DS is a good student then he's a good student in any school?
How would not going to the school you wanted make a difference to him in the long run?

Might it actually help? if your son is clever and bright etc then he'll stand out far more in a pool of kids who are less academic? if he isn't quite as bright etc then he'll feel more comfortable and able to blend into the crowd.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 07:57

It's the best school in the city and over subscribed. You are convinced you won't get in on the waiting list.

So you probably wouldn't have got it anyway.

You made a joint decision. You can't make a joint decision then put all the blame on the other person.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 07:58

I do agree his reasons were sketchy. But that doesn't mean it all his fault and you should be wailing about him ruining your ds' education

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