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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has damaged DS's education

248 replies

Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 07:19

We live in a small city on the South coast where most state education is not amazing. DS is Y6, so last year we went the Open Evenings/school tours of the closest 5 secondary schools. One completely blew us away. In the top 10% schools nationally for progress/results, inspirational Headteacher, lovely pupils and staff and great curriculum eg they offer Gcse Astronomy and clubs. Whilst it was clear it is very oversubscribed we were buzzing when we left. It gave me real hope.
When we got home we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there". It is a Catholic school and DH's mother is from Northern Ireland. DH says we couldn't apply there because it would upset his grandparents too much. Both late 80s one has dementia. DH has only visited them twice in the past year. We discussed it endlessly but DH wouldn't budge so we didn't apply.
Since then both GP have sadly died.
That school has just been Inspected and the Ofsted report is amazing. Outstanding with bells on. Most importantly they comment on 'a culture of respect and kindness', no disruption in lessons and that the pupils say there is hardly any bullying and it is immediately dealt with. I feel that DH has allowed prejudices he doesn't even believe in to take a great opportunity away from DS. We would probably have got in because we do attend our local C of E church and most families there send their older children to this school.
I am just so cross with DH. AIBU?

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/02/2016 10:04

I think your dh has inherited his grandparents prejudices more than you realise
That's what I thought too. It makes absolutely no sense for your DH to put his GP's prejudices before his DS' education unless he shares those prejudices and is using the GPs as an excuse.

If it's not about being prejudiced then it's about being very controlling ie he can acknowledge the school is the best one; you can all agree it's the best one; your DS can get excited about possible clubs . . . and then just because DH says so, your DS doesn't get to apply for the school. That's a very unhealthy power dynamic that says your DH's whims are more important than anything else.

uniquelyMeTwo · 27/02/2016 10:04

The DH didn't get a veto - it was a joint decision. He obviously came up with an argument that persuaded OP that it was worth walking away from this school.

we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there

That is the point she should have asked how her DH could deny her child all theses exciting benefits - possible out of ear shot of child - why your DS 8o year old not very close great grandparents should be able to veto that. The DH should have been made to come up with an argument that defended his no choice to both the Op and her DS.

We make joint decisions for our children - but if we don't agree we do expect the other to make an argument that has explanation and merit to persuade the other - we don't blindly accept vetos.

The OP here didn't have to either.

tiggytape · 27/02/2016 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dolkapots · 27/02/2016 10:06

OP I think your husband needs help for the damage that he has accrued. You also need to grow a backbone. Your husband needs to realize that a school (which happens to be catholic) has no part to play in what happened in The Troubles. His GP's are dead. They are not going to know which school your DC go to.

Boredworkingmum020 · 27/02/2016 10:07

It was a joint decision. What is probably going to be more damaging to your son is if you don't let this resentment go. No matter how much you think you are hiding it kids pick up on everything. What is done is done. I went to a catholic school (I'm CofE) and it put me off religion for many years although I'm back to being a regular church goer now

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 10:19

I went to a catholic school (I'm CofE) and it put me off religion for many years

I've always considered that to be one of the great strengths of a Catholic education Grin

SlatternIsTrying · 27/02/2016 10:24

The majority of posts on here have focused on the point that a decision was made, one party subsequently regreted that decision and is now angry about it and in my opinion seeking to allocate blame elsewhere.

To me that is the crux of the matter.

The secondary issue - the basis on which the original decision was made (NI ancestory), has been used by some posters, in my opinion, to indulge in inflammatory language. " papists", "Fenian".

To use the local speak 'catch yourself on', those words are deliberately goady.

On a site that, rightly, goes out of its way to avoid inflammatory terms in relation to many wide ranging subjects ( I once saw someone flamed for using the word 'lunacy' as it refers back to the menstrual cycle) I am surprised that a discussion about the relative merits of changing your mind after a decision has been made could be used by some posters to further a very different agenda and to try and start a Prod/Catholic bun fight.

For those posters who don't understand how an opinion felt by several generations ago could still resonate today - it does. In NI, families lived and breathed the conflict whilst they got on with everyday business of raising a family/ going to work/ running the house. Those thoughts and feelings are interwoven into the fabric of our society and only the passage of time (through, hopefully, peace) will change that.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/02/2016 10:25

It's not a joint decision if the OP's DH holds the power in the family and in the relationship - which is obviously the case because the OP said they discussed it endlessly and he wouldn't budge. For whatever reason, their family dynamic means the DH has a veto which he likes to apply for the hell of it whilst admitting he knows he's doing something shit.

There are bigger problems than the choice of school here.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 10:38

Exactly, APlace.

And I'll feel free to use words that have been used as terms of abuse to describe me when I see an English child being denied his choice of school so his English father can ingratiate himself with his extended family in NI.

The bad feeling will never die while fools like this man, who had no part in the Troubles, carry it on for social reasons.

Fucking shameful to tell your kid they can't go to the school they love and join the clubs they are excited about because you say so when your say do is based on a sectarian struggle that our mother made sure you were not subjected to.

VulcanWoman · 27/02/2016 10:41

I'd put up with the religious aspects to be in a better school, needs must and all that.

EponasWildDaughter · 27/02/2016 10:41

I think it's very sad that feelings which should have been dead and buried left behind with a couple in their 80s has been allowed to affect a young family member 3 generations down the line. In even a small way. (and personally i think missing out on the best school possible is not a small way, although others here seem to disagree).

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 27/02/2016 10:43

This school already has at least two applicants per place so although we probably would have got in as practising Christians we would not get in now with 200+ not getting a place when first choice.

I might be misreading what you meant here, but in terms of the waiting list, it won't matter how many put it as first choice. If you would have got in if you had applied, you will be at or very near the top of the waiting list. Anybody that wouldn't have got in will be below you even if they put it as first choice. The only people who might be above you would be people who meet the admissions criteria better than you, but also didn't apply on time.

AugustaFinkNottle · 27/02/2016 10:43

Why do you object to the fact that the school your DS is likely to go to expect all faiths to be equally respected?

I wouldn't put that much reliance on the Ofsted report if I were you. These days Ofsted inspections are incredibly short - my children's primary school was recently inspected and the inspection took all of one day - so it's largely a matter of the paperwork being in place. My SiL is very pissed off that her dyslexic son has gone right the way through secondary school career in an outstanding school without teachers ever passing on from one year to the next the fact that he's dyslexic, and another outstanding school near us hit the papers fairly recently when it fought tooth and nail to stop children with SN being placed there.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 10:44

I can't believe how many women think other women are incapable of making joint decision with their husbands and taking responsibility for that.

It must be the man who put his foot down and took the woman's rights away.

Of course.

BabyGanoush · 27/02/2016 11:09

I can't believe how many of you talk about "damage" and " long term suffering"....is this how you feel/talk about any child not getting into their first choice of school? Hmm

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/02/2016 11:12

Katenka the OP is clear it wasn't a joint decision. It's not about other women or what you would do, it's about the information we have from the OP because that's all we have to go on.

What I can't believe is that people extrapolate out from that to make it about something else so it becomes about faith schools; it becomes about what other women would do in that situation. It makes me feel like posting 'That's nice, dear. Now what about the situation the OP actually described?'

redskytonight · 27/02/2016 11:19

If we take all the hyperbole out of the OP, the point of the thread seems to be:

"DH and I decided not to apply for a certain secondary school for DS. We've now changed our mind".

And, as others have said, there is nothing they can do about it now. They can put their child on the waiting list as soon as allocations are made - and if they would have got into the school had they applied, they will be at or near the top. if they are a long way down they would never have got in anyway. Apportioning blame is entirely counter productive.

Talk of "damaging" DS's education is ridiculous. They have no idea how DS will fair at his allocated secondary compared to this school or indeed whether it will make any difference at all. Go and look at the education threads. They are full with posters who sent their child to what they thought was the most amazing school, and now child is there it really isn't suiting them.

Twinklestein · 27/02/2016 11:19

This was not a joint decision. It was a decision by DH to which OP capitulated to keep the peace and now regrets.

A joint decision is one that both parties are equally happy with where one partner does not get more say than the other.

ovenchips · 27/02/2016 11:21

APlaceOnTheCouchGrin

Twinklestein · 27/02/2016 11:30

The DH didn't get a veto - it was a joint decision. He obviously came up with an argument that persuaded OP that it was worth walking away from this school

Veto lit means 'I forbid' that's exactly what DH did, and when it became clear DH 'wouldn't budge' OP gave in.

At no point has OP said that DH ever convinced her that making a desicion based on the prejudices of old relatives was sensible. She just gave up that's all.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/02/2016 11:37

This issue about 'joint decisions' comes up time and again on MN and I can't decide if the posters who insist it is 'joint' in the face of all evidence to the contrary:

  • have never been in a coercive relationship so can't even process the concept of a decision being 'imposed' - which makes me happy that so many posters are in truly equal relationships where joint decisions are joint Smile joint joint joint I felt that sentence didn't have enough of them or
  • believe that if they capitulate in such a way then they have made a joint decision because they don't want to face the reality that their concerns were just ignored

I do hope it's the former.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2016 11:41

Your DH was a bit of a dick about it, frankly, but you went along with it so you're just as much to blame as he is.

titchy · 27/02/2016 11:41

Gosh what a lot of melodrama OP.

Apply for the school.

Appeal for it if you don't get a place.

Stay on waiting list.

There was never any guarantee you would have got a place anyway. You've said nothing about their actual admission criteria so you might have found you live too far away.

titchy · 27/02/2016 11:42

Gosh what a lot of melodrama OP.

Apply for the school.

Appeal for it if you don't get a place.

Stay on waiting list.

There was never any guarantee you would have got a place anyway. You've said nothing about their actual admission criteria so you might have found you live too far away.

titchy · 27/02/2016 11:42

Gosh what a lot of melodrama OP.

Apply for the school.

Appeal for it if you don't get a place.

Stay on waiting list.

There was never any guarantee you would have got a place anyway. You've said nothing about their actual admission criteria so you might have found you live too far away.