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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has damaged DS's education

248 replies

Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 07:19

We live in a small city on the South coast where most state education is not amazing. DS is Y6, so last year we went the Open Evenings/school tours of the closest 5 secondary schools. One completely blew us away. In the top 10% schools nationally for progress/results, inspirational Headteacher, lovely pupils and staff and great curriculum eg they offer Gcse Astronomy and clubs. Whilst it was clear it is very oversubscribed we were buzzing when we left. It gave me real hope.
When we got home we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there". It is a Catholic school and DH's mother is from Northern Ireland. DH says we couldn't apply there because it would upset his grandparents too much. Both late 80s one has dementia. DH has only visited them twice in the past year. We discussed it endlessly but DH wouldn't budge so we didn't apply.
Since then both GP have sadly died.
That school has just been Inspected and the Ofsted report is amazing. Outstanding with bells on. Most importantly they comment on 'a culture of respect and kindness', no disruption in lessons and that the pupils say there is hardly any bullying and it is immediately dealt with. I feel that DH has allowed prejudices he doesn't even believe in to take a great opportunity away from DS. We would probably have got in because we do attend our local C of E church and most families there send their older children to this school.
I am just so cross with DH. AIBU?

OP posts:
phequer · 27/02/2016 08:44

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ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/02/2016 08:44

and now a kid will suffer

Hmm
Katenka · 27/02/2016 08:44

Not all women do it. I don't. But it happened here, and now a kid will suffer.

For the love of God. The child hasn't even started school. Some kids go to the best schools and hate it, don't do well.

Some kids go to average schools and do incredibly well. There is no evidence this child is suffering

phequer · 27/02/2016 08:45

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BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 08:45

My DH is a loving father who has had to fight to be part of his extended family.

So he was using his son's education as a way of signalling his anti-Taig credentials to his extended family. Charming.

phequer · 27/02/2016 08:46

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Katenka · 27/02/2016 08:46

And of course it's a marriage issue.
Things can be a parenting issue and marriage issue.

phequer · 27/02/2016 08:46

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phequer · 27/02/2016 08:48

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BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 08:49

The child hasn't even started school.

No. And when he does he won't be able to go the best school and the one he wanted to go to for the stupidest reason imaginable.

Then his sister will get to go there and have all the experiences his Dad refused to allow him.

He's going to love that, isn't he?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/02/2016 08:49

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/02/2016 08:51

Agreed scarf

Original poster
Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 08:52

Well I respect and love my husband and know that he objected because it might alienate us from his NI family who are important to us. However his aunts/ uncles would not allow a school to cause a breech. His GP however would. We will go on the waiting list but it would be wrong to raise hopes. The school DS will probably go to will be fine and is improving but this school is exceptional. As I said before I was as much pissed off because it was DH who showed me the Ofsted report!

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/02/2016 08:52

Then his sister will get to go there

You seem to know a lot about the future Hmm

Katenka · 27/02/2016 08:53

bathtime you are making up years of problems that may not even happen.

He may love the school he gets and not care where his sister goes.

She may not want to go there

E may thrive at the school he gets

If the OP puts him on the waiting list and he goes to the top, he may get in anyway. If he doesn't go to the top, he probably wouldn't have got in anyway.

There is no proof he definitely would have got a place anyway.

Deletetheheat · 27/02/2016 08:54

Dear Lord

Husband was a bit of a dick by not thinking through his emotion-based, knee jerk vetoing of the school. And a bit of a dick by then waving the school's results in OP's face.

I'd be serious annoyed with him too.

But child will not 'suffer' or end up in borstal because he will go to a less achieving school, he will be fine.

00100001 · 27/02/2016 08:55

So, he isn't at secondary yet?

SO how have you come to the conclusion that his education is damaged??? Just because a school has got an excellent inspection doesn't mean it's the right school for your child, or that he would automatically do well there.

You need to kinda... get over this, it was a joint decision. and NO HARM HAS BEEN DONE!

Honestly.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 08:55

We will go on the waiting list but it would be wrong to raise hopes.

Yes it would. You don't even need to tell ds that's what you are doing.

Then if you get a place ask him if he wants to go there.

Yes you dh was a dick to point out the ofsted report after the applications are in.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 08:56

he objected because it might alienate us from his NI family

So he put the sectarian prejudice of his NI family ahead of what what best for his son.

And you did support him in that, it seems.

So yes, equally your fault.

Your poor MIL. Imagine leaving to get away from all that shite and then raising and English son who would think it more important than his own son's education.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 08:57

The only person her that prejudice bathtime is you.

You have made up and added so much stuff if, it ridiculous.

WaxyBean · 27/02/2016 08:58

Why would his grandparents have even had to know what sort of school he went to? It doesn't sound as if they were particularly close?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/02/2016 08:59

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrushedNinjas · 27/02/2016 08:59

I think you were very short sighted to meekly accept your DH's very flawed decision. What were you thinking?

My DS goes to a great Catholic school because it's local and has a good reputation. I'm an aetheist and my DH follows an Eastern religion but DS's grandparents on either side would have been a little shocked by our current situation if they were still alive.

Regardless, their stupid prejudices would have been irrelevant to any decision as it should be based on what we, as his parents, feel is best for our child.

SuburbanRhonda · 27/02/2016 09:15

Then his sister will get to go there

You seem to know a lot about the future hmm

The OP said herself that she intends to send her DD there. Wonder how that will make her DS feel?

dolkapots · 27/02/2016 09:16

Your husband has been a twat of the highest order, simply because he opted out of the best school because it would upset his dead GP's.

When my DC (aged about 2) announced that green was his favourite colour my GF (who I had been alienated from as a child) said "Ahh, fenian green!" There is a deeply rooted sectarian othering that still exists in NI; and it is so sad that a child 2 generations later who doesn't even live there is still a victim of this.