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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has damaged DS's education

248 replies

Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 07:19

We live in a small city on the South coast where most state education is not amazing. DS is Y6, so last year we went the Open Evenings/school tours of the closest 5 secondary schools. One completely blew us away. In the top 10% schools nationally for progress/results, inspirational Headteacher, lovely pupils and staff and great curriculum eg they offer Gcse Astronomy and clubs. Whilst it was clear it is very oversubscribed we were buzzing when we left. It gave me real hope.
When we got home we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there". It is a Catholic school and DH's mother is from Northern Ireland. DH says we couldn't apply there because it would upset his grandparents too much. Both late 80s one has dementia. DH has only visited them twice in the past year. We discussed it endlessly but DH wouldn't budge so we didn't apply.
Since then both GP have sadly died.
That school has just been Inspected and the Ofsted report is amazing. Outstanding with bells on. Most importantly they comment on 'a culture of respect and kindness', no disruption in lessons and that the pupils say there is hardly any bullying and it is immediately dealt with. I feel that DH has allowed prejudices he doesn't even believe in to take a great opportunity away from DS. We would probably have got in because we do attend our local C of E church and most families there send their older children to this school.
I am just so cross with DH. AIBU?

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 08:21

bathtime the op has said several times it was a joint decision.

My interpretation of that is that she thought that both parents should have an equal right to fuck up their child's education due to ignorant prejudice of distant relatives, and so it would have been unreasonable of her to argue against his dickishness.

Not that she at any point agreed with the decision or thought it best of fair or right for their son.

Women bend over backwards to be "fair" to unreasonable men all the time. Often, as here, at the expense of their children.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/02/2016 08:21

The criteria for the waiting list is the same as the criteria for getting in. So if he would have got in he would be top (or close to top) of the waiting list.

phequer · 27/02/2016 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 08:22

Women bend over backwards to be "fair" to unreasonable men all the time. Often, as here, at the expense of their children

I can't see anything that states this is what happened. You are projecting.

And actually some women do. Can you not lump us all in together, thanks.

phequer · 27/02/2016 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tobysmum77 · 27/02/2016 08:24

The criteria for the waiting list is the same as the criteria for getting in. So if he would have got in he would be top (or close to top) of the waiting list.

Yes this is what I was thinking, if he definity won't get in via waiting list he wouldn't have got in anyway.

MeMySonAndl · 27/02/2016 08:26

I think your husband has been ridiculous, education comes first. It is not as if the child is going to be fully indoctrinated by attending a catholic school.

Having said that, I'm Catholic and for a long time was very active in church activities, yet I find all the praying and religiously orientated days out too much (a morning session of prayers on weekend away, reflection days and even trips to bloody Lourdes). But, it is a school that has helped DS enormously in other aspects, and no... It has not had an effect on his believes, he is still very pragmatic and I often have to tell him to keep his scepticism to himself to avoid offending other people who feel strongly towards their faith.

Muskateersmummy · 27/02/2016 08:28

It was a joint decision, but you blame DH.

You can't have it both ways, either it was a joint decision in which case no blame, make the best of the school DS is at. Or dh put his foot down and made an unilateral decision, in which case, blame him by all means, but look at why he go to make a unilateral decision about a large part of your child's life.

Either way, what's done is done, you can't alter it, so seething away about it will only cause tension. Let it go.

ovenchips · 27/02/2016 08:28

Phequer These are quotes from OP's first two posts.

'DH says we couldn't apply there because it would upset his grandparents too much'.

'He agrees it was by far the best school choice and says if DS was in the year below [ie applying after GPs have died] it would have been his first choice.'

phequer · 27/02/2016 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 27/02/2016 08:29

There's no evidence he was a dick

I would say that the fact that he would have sent his DS there had the decision been made after his grandparents died shows his objections were somewhat shallow and dickish.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 08:29

Maybe they have lost friends and family in ira bombings.

Or maybe the grandfather was part of the mobs who burnt Catholics out of their homes or was a member of the B Specials, a legal, armed Protestant militia that targeted Catholics.

It's a very murky past on both sides in NI.

Speculating about what people in their 80s (who would have lived through an awful lot of pre-Troubles sectarianism) might have experienced is pointless.

The fact that one side of his family hailed from NI two generations ago should not affect his education.

Original poster
Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 08:30

A few things. Before DS even started primary we agreed we both had to be comfortable with decisions. So I would never be so deceitful as to apply behind DH's back. This school already has at least two applicants per place so although we probably would have got in as practising Christians we would not get in now with 200+ not getting a place when first choice. My DH is a loving father who has had to fight to be part of his extended family. I understand and respect this but what wound me up was his reaction to this school's OFsted. So I accept I am being unreasonable but bloody hell...

OP posts:
SouthWesterlyWinds · 27/02/2016 08:31

Just put your name on the waiting list and seen here it goes.

jellyfrizz · 27/02/2016 08:31

Maybe they have lost friends and family in ira bombings.o cm see then how your dh might feel it disrespectful to choose a catholic school
Yes, because all Catholics support the IRA and bombing people don't they?

phequer · 27/02/2016 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crazycatguy · 27/02/2016 08:32

I was in same situation as your kid. I'm from a mixed marriage. Local school C of E and was amazing.

My parents put me there regardless and dealt with family fallout. Education trumps religion every time. End of.

DisappointedOne · 27/02/2016 08:33

Only read the first page so far, but why aren't you letting your son make this decision for himself?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/02/2016 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 08:36

Yes, because all Catholics support the IRA and bombing people don't they?

Do you live in NI?

Of course all Catholics don't support the IRA. But the bad feeling there is such that it doesn't matter especially for a lot of the older generations.

I have relatives who have been killed. They blame the whole 'other side'. Wether that's logical or not.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/02/2016 08:37

not get in now with 200+ not getting a place when first choice

Yes, but not all of them will put themselves on the waiting list and you don't know unless you try. As I said before, you may have to wait a year or so, but you have to decide if you want to give it a shot. He can sit quietly on the list whilst getting on with his education elsewhere. Nothing lost.

In the meantime, when you get confirmation for the school he will got to, start trying to see the positives (and it must have some otherwise, really, what were you thinking!!). As a teacher, I think one of the most damaging things to a child's education is actually a poor relationship between school and home. If you don't trust them to look after your sons education, it will absolutely communicate itself to him and affect his attitude.

00100001 · 27/02/2016 08:37

I haven't seen in your posts how your kids education has actually been damaged.

is he not doing well at school? Is he under-performing?

Katenka · 27/02/2016 08:38

Op applications are in. The waiting list isn't effected by who put it where on their list or didn't put it on the list.

Dd (while we were appealing( went on two waiting lists that we didn't apply for. It doesn't effect the place on the waiting list.

You seem to have written off any suggestion to rectify this. Why?

ovenchips · 27/02/2016 08:40

Aha! OP Now you've explained why you feel angry all over again: your husband was reading its Ofsted report some time after you'd applied for schools (and agreeing with his decision not to choose St X's) and he is exclaiming to you about what a marvellous school it is! Sort of like a 'here's what you could have won' moment? Now you've explained, I get it. That wasn't apparent before.

Yes, it would rile me that he didn't give your son the opportunity to go then is telling you - when it's too late - what a fantastic school it is!

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 08:41

bathtime marriage is about compromise, you can't always get what you want and you have to consider what your spouse wants too.

Confused

This isn't a marriage issue. This is a parenting issue.

A grown man out his family's prejudice ahead of what he knew was best for his son and what his son wanted.

That is shocking parenting. Shocking.

Being a parent is about compromise. It's about realising that what is best for your kid trumps you pissing off your prejudiced grandparents.

Going along with such shit parenting was daft. But often women grant men he right to make shite decisions in the name of "fairness".

Not all women do it. I don't. But it happened here, and now a kid will suffer.