Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

AIBU?

DH has damaged DS's education

248 replies

Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 07:19

We live in a small city on the South coast where most state education is not amazing. DS is Y6, so last year we went the Open Evenings/school tours of the closest 5 secondary schools. One completely blew us away. In the top 10% schools nationally for progress/results, inspirational Headteacher, lovely pupils and staff and great curriculum eg they offer Gcse Astronomy and clubs. Whilst it was clear it is very oversubscribed we were buzzing when we left. It gave me real hope.
When we got home we were chatting about how great it was and DS was saying how he would join the Dr Who club and the chess club if he got in when DH just said "well you won't be going there". It is a Catholic school and DH's mother is from Northern Ireland. DH says we couldn't apply there because it would upset his grandparents too much. Both late 80s one has dementia. DH has only visited them twice in the past year. We discussed it endlessly but DH wouldn't budge so we didn't apply.
Since then both GP have sadly died.
That school has just been Inspected and the Ofsted report is amazing. Outstanding with bells on. Most importantly they comment on 'a culture of respect and kindness', no disruption in lessons and that the pupils say there is hardly any bullying and it is immediately dealt with. I feel that DH has allowed prejudices he doesn't even believe in to take a great opportunity away from DS. We would probably have got in because we do attend our local C of E church and most families there send their older children to this school.
I am just so cross with DH. AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

vjg13 · 27/02/2016 07:58

Are you very unhappy with the schools that you did select? Could you now go on a waiting list for a place at this school.

My older daughter attends a Catholic special school, we sent her there because it was the best school to meet her needs (we are not Catholic). My other daughter attends a Jewish high school (we are Jewish) and I find lots of parallels between the schools in terms of pastoral care etc.

phequer · 27/02/2016 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/02/2016 07:59

How close do you live to the school? Does the area run a 'closest first' policy on their waiting list? Would you be prepared to wait through year 7 or 8 or 9 to get in?

phequer · 27/02/2016 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

threelittlerapscallions · 27/02/2016 08:02

I would have just lied to the granparents and sent him there anyway! Bad Catholic that I am.

To all the people saying they wouldn't send their children to a religious school because they are athiests this is different - the OPs DH was just not wanting to upset the grandparents - they are old and will hardly be visiting so just tell them DS is at a c of e school!

Now they have passed away what stops you applying to the Catholic school?

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/02/2016 08:03

If it's as oversubscribed as you say, he may not have got in anyway. What's the criteria/ policy? Does it have a catchment area and are you within in?

I wouldn't allow dh veto over ds's education. If we had to both compromise then so be it, but a decision like that shouldn't rest with just one parent.

Our local school is really popular, great headteacher, funded well, ofsted outstanding etc but only one place for every two who apply. It was also a massive school where I would think it's difficult to 'shine'. It was our second choice. This was the correct choice for ds who actually goes to a much smaller school, 15 miles away, with a good community feel, wellbeing of children is the single most important thing, ofsted 'good', receives quite a lot of one to one etc.

What other choices were there op? I think a strong, supportive home environment is as important as the choice of school so assuming your dh isn't someone who doesn't encourage and support your ds, I'm sure he'll be fine.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 08:03

Just realised this kid missed out on a great school to avoid offending his greatgrandparents!

Four generations on the sectarian poison of NI is still hurting children.

What did your MIL think if she left to avoid that kind of crap?

Why on earth did you give in to such offensive bullshit when your son wanted to go to a really good school?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 27/02/2016 08:05

phequer

The man comes from a Protestant background. He does not want his child to go to a Catholic school. Why is that sectarian? The OP does not say that her husband used derogatory language towards Catholics does she? Therefore your "disgusted to know you were going to a Fenian school" which you put in speech marks is utterly irrelevant and spurious.

If you read the OP's updates, his grandparents were from NI and Protestant, but the husband's mother left NI and is an atheist. The Unionist part of his heritage is a long way back and has not been a significant part of his life.

ovenchips · 27/02/2016 08:06

phequer that's different to OP's DH though. He has admitted if his son was a year younger and they were having to apply now the grandparents have died, that the Catholic school would be his first choice.

He made a decision to not upset his grandparents.

ollieplimsoles · 27/02/2016 08:07

Lol

Sorry I would have laughed in my husband's face if he made a suggestion like that to me. Not choosing what was clearly the best for our child because of what two people he doesn't know would want. No really.

I would have applied behind his back, then waited til he saw the obvious flaw in his thinking.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 08:09

But does his reasoning matter.

The OP was fully aware of the reasons that he didn't want his son to go there. She still went along with the decision.

His reasoning is shit. Because it's based on two people who lived hundreds of miles away. But the OP knew the reasoning and still went with a joint decision.

A joint decision is just that. Joint. Which means both people take responsibility for that decision.

Trumpstrumpingagain · 27/02/2016 08:13

Well it is a joint decision and I suppose I am exaggerating with my title but it was DH who came back from school pick up to tell me that St x's Ofsted report is on their website and it is bloody amazing! Well we live and learn, I know what will be first choice for DD though!

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 08:14

It wasn't a joint decision. He was being a dick about something and she gave in.

That's not joint. He knew well that his wife and son preferred the school he was vetoing to support his grandparents' sectarian prejudice.

2016IsANewYearforMe · 27/02/2016 08:14

I understand your annoyance. You should have applied. Your taxes support the school and children of many faiths attend. I think your husband was being silly.

What's done is done. It's too late now, so try to be positive about the school your DS will attend and support him there.

ovenchips · 27/02/2016 08:14

Yes, once the form has been filled in that's that really. Your joint decision has been made.

Sounds like worst of all worlds - you let your DH make the decision without putting your DS's needs first then feel impotently furious with him for ages afterwards.

phequer · 27/02/2016 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maydancer · 27/02/2016 08:15

It's done now. You have to let it go

Katenka · 27/02/2016 08:15

bathtime the op has said several times it was a joint decision. She chose to go along with it.

He didn't bully her into it.

Dh didn't particularly want dds school. Thought it was too big for her. But we discussed and compromised by putting it down first and his choice second as dd wanted to go there too.

ILoveACornishPasty · 27/02/2016 08:16

You should have applied anyway and had the discussion when you knew whether or not he had a place. You're upset now about something you don't know would have happened anyway. It's done now, move on. YABU

Chippednailvarnish · 27/02/2016 08:17

You didn't fight for the best for your DS. You are asuch to blame as your DH.

phequer · 27/02/2016 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theycallmemellojello · 27/02/2016 08:18

Yabu. I can understand that his family would find it upsetting. It's reasonable for your dh to be affected by this.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Creampastry · 27/02/2016 08:19

You choose your dhs stupid views over your child's education and are now kicking yourself for doing so. Rightly so, lesson learned hopefully. Bloody stupid reason anyway.

Katenka · 27/02/2016 08:19

Op our school is the same. But not religious.over subscribed, best school in the area etc.

17 children got in on the waiting list. 3 pupils have been per mantle excluded so far since September. That's 20 kids that got in off the waiting list.

What are that schools numbers like? We actually only got in on appeal. But that avenue isn't open to you because you didn't put it down. As it happens two days after the appeal dd got in on the waiting list and for a couple of days had 2 places. We live on a council boarder and the two councils were shit at communicating.

If you put his name on the waiting list and he is near the top, you may get him in.

If he is nowhere near the top, he wouldn't have got in anyway.

maydancer · 27/02/2016 08:19

Maybe they have lost friends and family in ira bombings.o cm see then how your dh might feel it disrespectful to choose a catholic school

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.