Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

[Pregasaurusrex]

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

I agree the boss shouldn't have told anyone without a nod from you.

But this your husband we are talking about - the guy who helped make the baby.

I just felt that while the baby is inside my body it was my choice to make.

The baby is only inside your body due to plain and simple biology and until science can transplant a uterus into men successfully that's the way it's going to stay, however 50% of what makes up the baby is his.
50% of the excitement and joy is his.
Give him a break.

And yes during labour you have the last say in what and where is involved. But again that would apply if it was your husband carrying it.

Going against the tide here. I think YANBU. He can say yes all is well, my wife is terrific, we are so excited now tell me about your news. No need for test details and in depth analysis of results.

A scan pic, flash once then wallet back up.

"I don't really see colleagues as any more that people I work with, so when they asked I suppose!"

As a regular mumsnetter I now know never to ask if someone is pregnant. So many women who carry excess weight on their tummies have had this question asked and find it very upsetting.

I think at 5 months it isn't unreasonable for your boss to expect you to tell your colleagues. It wasn't your boss's place to do this but maybe he/she thought it was odd that you hadn't said anything.

Do you not like the people you work with?

I feel for you as ante-natal anxiety is a tough thing to deal with. Like most posters, I do think it is an unreasonable request as your DH is excited and you are halfway through pregnancy so people will surely notice your bump soon. I think it would look odd to his work colleagues if he announced it any later, and it might make him feel really left out of the whole experience of becoming a family if he isn't allowed to enjoy telling people your (joint) good news. Having said that, I do feel for you and I know how irrational pregnancy can make you!

Op, I get that you have anxiety. I have it myself and sympathise. But having anxiety doesn't mean that you have no control over your mood. Right now you are dwelling on this and ramping it up in your mind and making it 10x worse than it needs to be - and you are voluntarily doing that. I think you need to step away from this thread, use any calming strategies you may have (a mindfulness meditation is very good, they are free to listen to online) and basically stop egging yourself on. Your baseline worry level sounds high enough without you voluntarily adding to it.

Good luck.

It's funny how MN will go mad about a joke t-shirt saying something tongue in cheek about mental health but when an ACTUAL PERSON who is obviously suffering from antenatal depression/anxiety comes on, they get a lashing.

The people on here that are saying YABU are saying it as though you are a happy, level headed pregnant woman 'banning' her husband from sharing the baby joy.

Maybe read the whole thread. I posted that I had been in very similar circumstances. I have spoken to her like she has no issues.

That is completely uncalled for xenapants!

Can someone explain exactly what medical info he has shared as I can't see where the OP has said.

The op says scan photos. But I don't get how that's medical information.

I think your mental health is causing you to be unreasonable and I hope your appointment comes through soon. It is so tough and I have been where you are, I have a lovely happy healthy baby now about to turn one- but it was nine months of hellish waiting.

Sigh.
Op...Aibu?
Everybody: yes
Op: no I'm not you don't know me you are all sooooo mean!

Look...you are pg. your body will change. I suggest if you are having issues with even that most basic fact that you go to your gp and ask to be referred for ante natal counselling.

Good luck.

Your boss may well have to share your pregnancy news with other colleagues whether you consent or not.

They will have to do a pregnancy risk assessment and other colleagues may need to know in case of any medical issues that arise.

YABU with regard to your husband too,but I think you do know you are being irrational, you just want it pandered to.

It isn't just your pregnancy.

RTFT bladders.

Could you be a little more patronising in future?

Err yes it's JUST HER pregnancy.

I hate the my baby my body, men can't carry babies but they are still fathers and have every right to show a scan photo to anyone they like. It sounds like life is hard for him and he's seeking a little joy.

He's going to need all the help and support he can get as sounds like you are a lot of hard work now and that's likely to get far worse when the baby arrives as he will have to cope with your major issues, the baby, lack of sleep and his job.

IThoughtItWasAFart who the bloody hell are you to tell posters to fuck off?

I'm ThoughtItWasAFart who the bloody hell are you?

You have a right to expect him to be discreet about any medical concerns, but not to stop him sharing the pregnancy news. Sharing news like that will be a source of real joy, and spoiling that for him would not be easily forgotten.

I could try.....:)

YANBU Op. Until you've pushed it out of your vagina, it's your body to decide what gets shared.

OP, while I think YABU, I understand that these feelings are beyond your control. I hope you are getting the right care for your mental health both during your pregnancy and beyond. Please don't be afraid to ask for help.

Your DH is excited, If you can, try to step back and let him share his excitement, he is not being purposely unthinking or unkind, he is bursting with pride.

It isn't just your pregnancy.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

At this point, you are the patient. Your husband has shared your confidential medical information without your permission.

It feels to you like he's shown people scans of your body because that's exactly what he's done! Yes, the scan pictures include the baby as well, but your partner has shared your medical records. He isn't showing his colleagues the baby's medical records, because the baby isn't legally a person yet. You are not just a mechanical incubator for his offspring, you are a person in your own right.

Of course it's understandable that he wants to share the news about the baby, and get support for his concerns, but he really really doesn't have any rights to share your medical information without your permission. It's absolute bollocks that you 'have to' tell everybody once you've got past the halfway mark- you need to inform your employer at the legally required time, and it's sensible to inform them of health and safety issues, but there is no obligation on you to tell anyone else. You don't even have to tell your husband, or invite him to the scan.

Regardless of the opinions on the thread, your medical records are private. Your partner has no rights until the baby is born.

You're clearly worried about your mental and physical health, but the fact that you consider yourself to have mental health and anxiety issues doesn't mean you're wrong, because you're not. It would be helpful if you and your husband could find a way forward that's acceptable to both of you, but trampling all over your right to medical confidentiality is not the answer.