Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

[Pregasaurusrex]

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

You sound bloody hard work

Another example of lack of understanding of perinatal MH issues. Why do posters have to get so personal and insulting?

OP - it's clear AIBU wasn't the best place to post on this...

Are you getting help?

It seems like you want to be validated in your distorted thinking. You understand that your child will not be able to fulfill your need for control, right?

Stop trying to make yourself the martyr in this and concentrate on getting a treatment plan in place for your anxiety.

Or (no offense) but your marriage is not going to last.

I'm not asking him not to tell people, we have told friends and some family. I'm asking him not to show pictures/ share medical info to people I do not know. I guess I thought I had a right to make choices about my own body. He is not being denied any support from friends or family and I understand that my mental health is not something that is easy to live with.

I can see why you feel the scan is private and shouldn't be shared round. If you don't want it to be that should be good enough. But was he even aware you didn't want it shared. It is common practice these days to post those things on FB and the like. Can't see the point myself but that's just my opinion. But why can't he tell people you are having a baby. Most people have told everyone before they get to twenty weeks.

I'm sorry that you are struggling, I hope you feel better soon.

Of course you should expect your DH to support you but he will need support too.

A new baby leads to big changes for everyone. If he's not allowed to discuss it then he can't access support from his friends and family either.

Good luck working through this with your DH.

What input are you getting from professionals for your mental health right now?

Meant to say also: for you. Whoever is BU here, it's obviously not a lot of fun being you at the moment.

No her husband really doesn't have the right to share info re the pregnancy. The op doesn't even have to share aby info with her husband.

She is clearly anxious and he should respect her choices. Technically she didn't have to even show him scan pictures or even attend the scan.

Seriously sharing info about blood test results or scans eyc is all medical info that her husband has no right to even know let alone share.

It doesn't matter that it's his baby. Yes he can tell people he will be becoming a father but anything else about the pregnancy is not his to divulge.

Maybe the op is being precious but so what, it us her that is pregnant and her news ro share.

I have waited to share some of my pregnancies till later than 'usual' and have had extra scans and tests, dh and I spike about these and agreed who we were happy to share that info with, he would never have shared that info without checking with me. Until recently it was thought I would need a planned X section for this pregnancy, we made a choice about who we would be telling and most family wouldn't have known until after the baby had arrived, nor would they know why unless I was happy with it as it is my information to choose to share or not. As it is the situation has changed so hopefully I will have an easy vaginal birth like I did with my others, I will likely be induced though as I have been with my others and we didn't tell people that was what was happening each time.

The information about my pregnancies is mine to choose to share or not. Yes my dh is excited but he also respects my right to bodily autonomy and thst includes decisions over what medical info I share.

Yabu but I understand why you are annoyed he hadn't told you he was doing it.

I think you need referred to a perinatal mental health team if not already. You are well into your pregnancy and need to tackle these issues before he baby comes.

Are you getting help for your issues OP?

I remember you starting a thread about telling your manager, who then told your other work colleagues about your pregnancy.

You described them as 'gossiping' about it.

What is there to 'gossip' over a married woman getting pregnant?

You accept your reactions aren't normal, but you dont say whether you're getting help or not.

OP You posted in AIBU and your title is Am I being Unreasonable Or is DH? People are saying YABU because you are using reasons that are not logical at all. No need to snarky.

Of course there are MH reasons underpinning the lack of logic but, well, you asked the question. And most importantly what your DH is not doing is forcing you to tell people or show scan pictures. You can choose for yourself, as can he.

OP like a few of the posters on here (but not everyone) I can see you are struggling with anxiety and perhaps a couple of other issues. Like some of the others have said I would suggest you try and talk to your Dr and they can put you in touch with someone you can talk to. The feeling of being out of control is really common if you are the kind of person who likes to keep control.

I had to have about 4 appts with the birth choice clinic because I was so freaked out about losing control during the birth! Which btw you honestly dob't care when the time comes.

I have had a very high risk pregnancy, with blood tests and scans every 2 weeks and whilst I get where you are coming from, have you considered your DH's view?

Sure you are carrying the baby, but you both created this life that is potentially at risk and people deal with that differently. My DP's response to the high risk pregnancy was to clam up and not speak to people about it and I respected that and wouldn't push him. But I ensured that certain people (including work) were aware of the risks because I knew that I would need support if the worst happened and that I wouldn't want to have to explain the whole situation in order to get that support.

Maybe your DH feels like that, maybe the risk is getting to him and he needs to talk about it, there are a million irrational reasons why he couldn't do as you asked.

I have been there, living the constant dread that the next test would be the one that ruins everything, feeling relief for about 2 days after the all clear and then it slowly creeps back like a fog that colours everything. Needless to say, I hated my 1st pregnancy - but on the plus side I loved the birth and my anxiety disappeared as soon as DD's were born and I hope that it's the same for you

If you haven't had one, get a referral to the mental health midwife, in my experience they are worth their weight in gold.

I don;t understand the comment about 'the inside of your body' - an x-ray is also of 'inside', but i don't suppose you'd worry about someone seeing an xray of a broken bone?

Would it be acceptable for a dad to tell everyone the gender of a baby, if the mother specifically asked him not to? yes, totally acceptable. It's his baby too, and to command someone not to talk about his baby is unreasonable. He shouldn't talk about your tests, or results though, that would be unreasonable - about any test, not just pregnancy.

Would it be acceptable for a dad to insist that the mother has an induction, if she doesn't want to? - no, of course not. Anything that happens to her body, is her decision. Totally.

Would it be acceptable for a dad to insist that the mother has a homebirth, if she wants to give birth in hospital? again. Totally her body, her decision.

And no one called you a mad old cow, OP.

If he is going into great details about all the tests you are undergoing he may be unreasonable but if he is just sharing the news of the pregnancy and showing the scan picture that is fine and normal.
It must be hard to suffer from anxiety but it is important to realise his behaviour is normal and he needs to be able to share his feelings with his friends.

I think yanbu. It's your body. You are the one who is pregnant. That's why you are the patient being looked after by the hospital and not him.

I had 2 very difficult and scary pregnancies. I also suffer from entail health issues.

Yabu, I can see why, but still Yabu.

It's his baby too. Your anxiety can not control you and your dh. It can not stop him enjoying expecting a baby.

Even though your reaction is understandable, given your MH issues, it's still unfair.

You may not like the answers op. But there has been no flaming, now one has been horrible. You asked a question and got some answers.

Um in the nicest possible way OP, you are being totally unfair to the father of your child, men need support too.

You are actively trying to make him feel bad for engaging in the pregnancy, blame the hormones and say sorry, and promise to try not to be a big control freak in future.

I do think yabu asking him not to show the scan of the baby to people, he's clearly excited and happy and wants to share the news. This is a normal reaction to pregnancy and generally parents to be want to show off the baby scans. It's a really exciting time.

But I understand that you have mh issues which affect how you feel and you probably need to seek help for this. Your pretty unreasonable demands may make him feel he's not part of this at all. He's done his bit, so to speak, and now it's all how you feel and what you say goes. Unfortunately, while it's reasonable for a pregnant woman to say "this is how I feel" with regards birth, visitors etc your demands are pretty extreme and could leave him feeling like he needs to tiptoe around you and just not say anything at all. Which is sad.

I've not worded this well but I really do think you should get some help before you drive your husband away.

I have been refered- just waiting for an appointment to come through. Hopefully soon! I guess I just feel it's disrespectful to disregard my wishes to fulfil his own. To the poster who asked about my workplace. It seems unbelievable that anyone would think it was ok for my boss to share my pregnancy news with other colleagues without my consent?!

I'm sorry you're struggling op and hope you receive some decent support

I think it's a bit of both, Yes you do have a right to privacy regarding your medical information and he should respect that, but try to see from his point of view that he is excited and wants to share "that excitement" not your medical info, with others.

Maybe discuss your feelings with him and try to consider a compromise where you can both be happy. Please also be honest with your midwife/consultant as to how you're feeling as they will be able to offer help and support.

So now you're comparing your husband to your boss?

To the poster who asked about my workplace. It seems unbelievable that anyone would think it was ok for my boss to share my pregnancy news with other colleagues without my consent?!

Well we can both agree on that. I do not know why they thought they had the right to do that.

However, you've missed my point entirely.

Why did you think the people at work were then 'gossiping' about you becoming pregnant by your own husband?

Is it really extreme to not be telling people the results of your pregnant wife's blood test? That to me, is not extreme! I'm not asking him not to share any information, just not too much, to the point where I feel like a pregnant animal with no rights at all!