Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

[Pregasaurusrex]

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

Are you worried that there are problems after your 20 week scan? Sorry, it's not clear, even after rereading your posts.

No, that's not extreme at all.

I hope you are getting help with whatever mental health issues you're going through. It's not really right to impose things driven by your MH issues on your husband, though. If your anxiety and loss of control (and boy do I understand loss of control issues) are the driving force behind your not wanting him to share this happy time then you need to get a handle on things (if that's possible, I know pregnancy precludes certain meds).

Sharing scan pictures? No problem, it shows a baby, not your uterus. Pictures of your naked belly? Problem. Blood test results normal? No problem. Blood test results abnormal? Problem.

Can you pinpoint why you feel so anxious? Is it because you're afraid by telling everyone you might 'jinx' things? That would be unreasonable to me if I were your husband. BUT, if your pregnancy is terribly, terribly high risk or your baby is in danger of abnormalities then I'd say you're perfectly reasonable to want to keep the number of people who know down to a bare minimum.

I know how hard it is to give up control. I know the feeling of wanting to have every single aspect of a situation under my sole and personal control. But I also know that there are many times, especially if you are married, that you just can't do that.

Well let's hope the appointment comes through soon, because eventually you may drive your DH and anyone else who shows an interest in your pregnancy (and not your insides) away, or at least suck the joy out of what is supposed to be a happy time.

Good luck with the birth

No, not comparing him to my boss. Anyone talking about anyone is gossiping no? Regardless of the subject matter. Not very salacious gossip, I guess it would be more interesting if the cleaner had knocked me up in the broom cupboard, but gossip nonetheless...

Talking about other people is not immediately gossip OP. I would say gossip is much more malicious than a simple conversation that refers to other people.

You think him telling people his wife is pregnant is 'people gossiping'?

Anyone talking about anyone is gossiping no?

No.

Your body, your baby, your choice.

Her body, their baby.

I think it's ok to ask this of your dh, if you are getting help with your aniexty and have spoken to someone. It's not ok to demand something so unreasonable and unrealistic if you are not seeking help

YANBU but it will be more difficult then you realise for your OH to understand/adapt to your complex emotional needs at this time, especially when this is also an overwhelmingly emotional time for him too.

I also suffered prenatal anxiety, although with far less reason behind it than you. I wanted my OH to understand that better (along with a similar sounding complex MH history) - he tried - but he couldn't help but be happy and relaxed, damn him! I just tried to minimise the inflamatory effect his attitude had on my anxiety, and minimise how my anxiety might dampen his enjoyment. I basically pretended he wasn't telling anyone and asked him to pretend to me he wasn't either. We got through it :)

It sounds like your history includes an element of body dysmorphic/eating disorders, which can make pregnancy so difficult. Everyone seems to be thinking/talking about your body, which can feel like you're losing control. But it IS still your body, on that totally YANBU. People have been saying "but it's his baby too", fuck them. Until the baby is separated from your body it IS your body. But for that reason you ARE NOT losing control of it, no-one is appropriating your body by discussing it or seeing a scan picture. You are the only one who can carry, cuddle, feed and feel your baby in YOUR body. You're the only one with any control at all.

I certainly wouldn't think of a scan as the inside of a womans body if I was shown one. I'd just be looking at the baby.

You say you don't like it because you don't know his friends, and yet here you are sharing this with a bunch of strangers!!!!

When the point is pass on information that you've heard? What is gossiping defined as then? And nope- not comparing my husband to my boss. I just don't think it's fair to share the results of tests I am undergoing to his colleagues and then show them a picture of the baby.

It sounds like you're going through a tough time and require additional support from your DH and HCP. However, him telling others of the pregnancy is completely reasonable.

You say you've told your close friends (not 'ours' I notice) and your work, yet have a problem with him telling people at his work.

YABU. Your husband is likely to require some support too as it sounds like it's been a difficult time for you both. In order for him to be able to support you, he will need strength to do so also, which he may well be getting from sharing his excitement over the pregnancy or even his concerns.

He may also need to gain the understanding of his employer if he's distracted at work or having to take time off for appointments. Not to mention, he will need to notify his employer very shortly if he intends to take paternity leave.

I appreciate it might be difficult under the circumstances, but can you not see any of this situation from your DH's perspective?

" I'm asking him not to show pictures/ share medical info to people I do not know."

How much information is he actually sharing though? News of the pregnancy and a scan is not at all unreasonable. Other medical issues is not on.

Your boss shouldn't have divulged your news, but I would have thought that at 5 months you would be beginning to show by now, and you know what office gossip is like. When were you thinking of telling your colleagues?

Because you don't know me and it's anonymous- is that not sort of the point?

We are currently having a difficult twin pregnancy. We're currently waiting on blood test results which will determine whether the pregnancy goes ahead or not. Everyone knows I'm pregnant (cos I have a very obvious bump).
DH and I agreed to keep the test info to a minimum for general public consumption, despite the fact that's it's very difficult to put a happy/brave face on to everyone.

Only 4 people other than ourselves (and medical staff) know the precise details of our issues. Another handful of people know brief details (ie undergoing some extra tests, cos it's a high risk pregnancy). If DH has needed to tell anyone else, he's asked me first and we've decided what to tell them.
I'd be pretty annoyed if I found out that he'd been telling everyone exactly what was happening, or that I've spent most nights sobbing into his shoulder....so YANBtooU

I don't really see colleagues as any more that people I work with, so when they asked I suppose!

What test results has he shared?

OP, you asked for an opinion and it has been given. Yabu. I think it's time to let this issue go and try to relax and enjoy what is left of your pregnancy. It may help you to empathise with others and not dwell so much on yourself. That is pretty sound adivce for all of us and is helpful in managing anxiety and maintaining mental health. Try to look outward. Just be a bit more gentle with yourself all this is stoking some unnecesary emotions, time to let it go.

In my experience the title of your AIBU is normally used when an OP is trying to get a straw poll on something they and DH see very differently. The OP does it to guage opinion and there's normally an element of conceding to the majority 'vote'.

Why did you want to get AIBU responses to this, OP? Genuine question.

Having suffered horrendously with anxiety, health anxiety and depression, I'd like to think my DP wouldn't share what I'm finding difficult to process.

The people on here that are saying YABU are saying it as though you are a happy, level headed pregnant woman 'banning' her husband from sharing the baby joy.

You made it clear in your OP that unfortunately this isn't the case and that you are suffering and in this instance, his sharing is making it worse. Which you had told him about.

In which case YANBU at all.

I'm really pleased you've been referred OP I hope you find it helpful.

I was working for a really lovely boss with my first pregnancy, I told her at 6 weeks because I was feeling really tearful, within days she took the team out to lunch, 6 of us in total and we all got on really well, she ordered a bottle of champagne and announced my 'good news' I couldn't believe she did it as I wasn't planning on telling the team until I was 12 weeks, unfortunately I lost the baby at 9 weeks so wished she hadn't said anything even more. I didn't hold it against her, it wasn't done maliciously and life is too short!

Also - all the best with your pregnancy. I really hope things improve for you all round.

It does sounds like you are having a rough time at the moment, but I do think you are being unfair. He is going through this too, obviously in a very different way to you but he is an expectant father and he will be worried and excited about you and your child. He should be allowed to share basic details with people. If there are concerns about your baby, then it's going to make life easier for him if the people he works with have some knowledge and understanding of the situation. It's just not fair on him that you have to know everyone who gets told. There's no good reason why he's allowed to tell some people because you know them, and not others because you don't.

And I don't agree that it is gossip, it's just sharing news.

YABU OP.