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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

391 replies

Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 17:38

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/02/2016 17:50

Your body, your baby, your choice.

Except it's also her husband's baby...

ovenchips · 26/02/2016 17:53

YABU. Your husband is entitled, just as you are, to tell/ not tell his friends/ family/ colleagues about the pregnancy. It's a shame you can't be on the same page but I don't think it's fair to curtail his perfectly 'normal' behaviour because of your anxiety. Unless you are saying you have had a worrying 20 week scan and there are problems?

To describe a scan picture as being of 'the inside of your body' is not a typical reaction tbh. I take it you know people regularly show others scan pictures and they are not seen as something very private?

wannaBe · 26/02/2016 17:53

"Yes he is excited but actually it is the ops choice what information she does or does not share about her pregnancy." no it isn't. It is the op's choice who she tells, but it is her husband's baby as well. He has every right to tell whoever he wants that his wife is pregnant and that he will be becoming a father.

The op's anxiety is excessive and needs to be dealt with not pandered to.

Original poster
Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 17:53

Jeez! What a flaming! I guess If it was me and it was my husband suffering, I would do everything in my power to make it as easy as possible. He has massive mental health issues in his family so thought it might be something he understands. Clearly I am an unreasonable mental old cow!

OP posts:
itsbegginingtolook · 26/02/2016 17:54

I forgot to say yabu. And as for its her body etc comments you would all be pouncing on the dh if he didn't want to share the good news and scan picture. He should have just as much right now as when the baby is born

SkyWasMadeOfAmethyst · 26/02/2016 17:54

I don't think you are BU. With my first pregnancy I very much wanted privacy and refused to email scan pics to family who lived far away. Just like you I didn't want to flash pictures of the inside of my body around to anyone, even people I was close to. When my baby was born no Facebook pics were allowed either. Just because we live in a culture of massive oversharing doesn't mean that you are abnormal for not wanting to do as others do. That said, it does sound like you have some anxieties that need working through and your partner should be sensitive to that just as you need to consider that your partner may not share your feelings and may be very proud and excited, which is no bad thing in itself. I would say from your post and my personal experience that you both clearly need to come to some sort of compromise for each other's sake. Parenting is a team sport, and it may now be time for you both to get in the habit now of laying all your cards on the table and finding a solution that works for both of you. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and if you would like some support pop over to the AnteNatal Club boards where you'll get some great advice from ladies going through pregnancy and all the ups and downs that come with it Flowers

lunar1 · 26/02/2016 17:54

He just wants to share the excitement and you are past half way.

Oysterbabe · 26/02/2016 17:55

I can't see any flaming, just reasonable opinions. Presumably you were just looking for everyone to agree with you.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 26/02/2016 17:55

Nobody has said you're a mad old cow.

People have said you're being unreasonable, because it is his baby as well, and that you need to address you mental health concerns. This reaction is not logical.

ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 17:56

Except it's also her husband's baby...

An expectant mother's decision is final. He did something he was asked not to do.

Would it be acceptable for a dad to tell everyone the gender of a baby, if the mother specifically asked him not to?

Would it be acceptable for a dad to insist that the mother has an induction, if she doesn't want to?

Would it be acceptable for a dad to insist that the mother has a homebirth, if she wants to give birth in hospital?

No. When someone is suffering with extreme anxiety and uncertainty, they at LEAST deserve to have their partner at least listen to them...

youwouldthink · 26/02/2016 17:57

Sorry but for me yabu, baby is your husbands too.

Original poster
Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 17:57

No... Not looking for everyone to agree with me. I just felt that while the baby is inside my body it was my choice to make.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 26/02/2016 17:58

YABU and YANBU. I agree the scan photo could be anyone's photo - and most people will just squint a bit at it and make polite "oh lovely" noises. Its not really a pictures of your insides in the way you've made it sound, its a black and white picture of, at best, a sprouting potato.

If he'd giving out private medical information (like gene testing stuff etc) and you've asked him not to thats a different matter. He's excited but he needs to understand what your boundaries are.

We had the reverse problem because I am a gobshite and my DH is very private Smile and we had masses of tests.

DO chat with your mid wife - they can be very supportive and there are very few things they havent seen before.

ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 17:58

not pandered to

Astonishing display of ignorance about mental health in this thread OP Sad

LeaLeander · 26/02/2016 17:58

I think he is quite within his rights to tell people he's an expectant father and even show the scan photo.

Revealing blood test info, qualms about the health of the fetus, qualms about the health of the mother, etc. is excessive for public consumption.

"Yes, we expect the baby in July and are so thrilled," is quite as much as he should be telling general friends/co-worker circles at this point. If there are health concerns I would not begrudge him sharing privately with a brother or best friend, to gain support, because it sounds like all his energy is being required to support the OP.

Cabrinha · 26/02/2016 17:58

You are clearly struggling a lot if you consider a scan photo to be showing people the inside of your body. Also your comment about dark thoughts struggling with your stomach getting bigger - this goes beyond stress about the baby's health. I hope you're getting support for this.

As you are clearly struggling mentally, of course your husband should support you. But you should recognise that it is uncommon and that he may simply not know what is an issue. For example, I don't think anyone not struggling would ever consider a scan photo to be medical info, and it wouldn't occur to them that it was the insides of someone! So if he knows you don't want your medical issues to be discussed, it's not unreasonable for him to have no idea that includes showing a scan photo.

I think that you should be able to rely on his support. But I also think you should acknowledge that this is a once in a lifetime event for him, and it's a big ask to take all the usual things - like sharing the photo - away from him. If you can, you really really should compromise on that, even if you need professional support to do so.

Original poster
Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 17:58

And of course it's not a logical reaction. Duh. Mental health tends not to be logical...

OP posts:
wannaBe · 26/02/2016 17:59

I wonder what the reaction would be if the OP posted "I am five months pregnant and very excited. Today I found out that DH hasn't told anyone because he doesn't want people to know."

VoldysGoneMouldy · 26/02/2016 18:00

But what you're expecting from him is massively unfair. You're the one carrying the baby, yes, but it is both of your lives that are changing, both of you that are anxious about things, both of you who are going through this. To effectively want to deny him any support during that process isn't at all logical.

Inshock73 · 26/02/2016 18:00

I don't think the 'real' problem here is your husband not accepting your wishes but more the way you feel about your changing body and pregnancy.

I really struggled to accept my body would change and be out of my control and I hated everyone remarking on my bump, weight gain, shape etc etc... but your body will change! BUT look after it and eat healthily and it will return to 'normal' really quickly once your baby is here.

Don't be too hard on your husband, he's excited! That's lovely and normal! Imagine how you would feel if he didn't want to share your wonderful news and was disinterested instead.

Men are terrible for not recalling details, I doubt he's sharing 'personal' info more likely just being extremely proud you've made a baby together and incredibly excited.

Try to relax xx

BillBrysonsBeard · 26/02/2016 18:01

YABVU, but you know your responses aren't normal. A scan pic doesn't show the inside of your body. He is excited, he should be able to share the news! I hope you're getting the help you need.

itsbegginingtolook · 26/02/2016 18:02

Op I'm one of the ones that has told you yabu and I suffer with anxiety so it's nothing to do with people not understanding mental health. I think you need some help you can't ban him from telling people he's going to be a father

ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 18:02

I just felt that while the baby is inside my body it was my choice to make.

It is OP, not everyone thinks YABU.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 26/02/2016 18:04

How about you show some understanding towards your DH? 🙄

It's his baby too. Why on earth can't he tell people too?!

You sound bloody hard work. Give the poor bloke a break 🙄

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/02/2016 18:05

YABVU

As has been said he is showing them a pic of his baby.

Another point is that as he is walking towards people beeming with pride they will be thinking FFS not again, and as soon as he walks away most most will be thing thank fuck he is gone.

the short of it most people won't care.

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