Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

[Pregasaurusrex]

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

I agree that clearly mum has rights while pregnant, but the way she describes the situation and her own mental health issues I think it's always going to be a problem that DH will want to take the "normal" approach to things (is there such a thing) and Mum will feel the need to control beyond the point of being reasonable. By her own admission this isn't just a pregnancy thing... she has issues with anxiety and control.

I have anxiety issues, but not to the point that they cripple me, but with a 1 year old I remember the first weeks and months of having a baby, and how utterly anxious and nervous I was about every little thing (she was a poorly baby) and it's hard to get to grips with situations you cannot control at the best of times.

Trying to seek help for those types of feelings that go beyond a normal level of control/anxiety will only be helpful for mum, baby and new family

Looking forward to seeing what some posters in this thread have to say about a few other matters:

"My husband is controlling when he's drunk and refuses to let me leave the house".

"Well, he's suffering from alcoholism, and you must accept that you just can't enjoy your life as much as you would like because you need to respect his illness and do what he has demanded."

Totally different, Garnett.

I understand how difficult it must be for you but try to understand your DH as well - it's his baby too and he has the right to be as delighted about it as you do and share his worries because he must be worried too when things are not looking good.
I know my DH was showing pics of our baby and talking about my pregnancy and I didn't mind as it was something we shared, all the joys and worries and he needed to talk about it too.

I agree with Garnett.

If someone has a mental health issue that has the potential or already is controlling their partner, obviously part of being in a relationship means offering support and help and looking at ways to resolve, but you cannot be controlled by that persons opinions on things if they are being unreasonable due to their condition.

Anyone who is brushing this off as just "you're pregnant, your body" is daft, because clearly this is not the only part of life as a family with a baby arriving is going to affect. There are going to be so many more hurdles once the baby arrives that are just going to bring up the same kind of conflict and worries.

When the baby arrives, he/she is a separate person.

Until then, there is only one legal person and that is the mother. If she chooses to home birth, have someone or no one in the room when she gives birth, have an elective c section, go windsurfing against medical advice, it is no one's business but hers, because she has autonomy.

She also has the right to privacy of her medical records.

OP, again, hope you are ok.

Wow i may disagree with parts of the op but that is vile xenapants

I don't agree that judgemental and offensive people should have known kids either, but then not my choice is it?

Hold on a minute I weren't allowed a home birth my partner weren't keen on the idea. I never new I had autonomy I should have demanded a home birth.

Until then, there is only one legal person and that is the mother. If she chooses to home birth, have someone or no one in the room when she gives birth, have an elective c section, go windsurfing against medical advice, it is no one's business but hers, because she has autonomy

Nobody is arguing she doesn't have rights and must share as much as her DH likes. But I think this ignores the real issue at hand here. The admition of anxiety and control issues and the comment about a photo of the inside of her body, as if he was sharing something crude... surely this needs addressing regardless of how you feel about partners showing people baby scan pictures.

Clearly it's no one's business but hers... but posting it on MN is making it other people's business to comment on as to her DH's reaction to her rules about sharing baby info.

She may be sharing it with a bunch of strangers who can't see her baby picture or test results... but she's still sharing a private situation for other people's opinions, while complaining about her partner sharing what she deems deeply private information...

Xena...

Perfectly entitled to your opinion but it's very harsh given that you are judging someone's capacity to bring up children in a stable environment on whether they have mental health issues or not.

Using myself as an example...I describe myself as having 'a severe mental health issue' because I have bipolar disorder.

So on the basis of this sentence you would judge that I should not plan a pregnancy and could not bring up children in a stable environment.

However you would not know...that I am on medication that keeps me pretty stable, that I am stable enough to have a six figure job in the City, that I would actually say that in many ways I'm more emotionally stable than several friends of mine who have no mental health issues per se but are drama llamas and neurotic.

Do you believe that I shouldn't be TTC because I have a severe mental health issue?

I do believe that forming an opinion that someone shouldn't be having children based on one sentence and no further background or context is pretty ignorant and stigmatising.

Let's remember that the AIBU post is about whether OP should be annoyed that her DH shared medical info....basically 'should I be a bit upset about this or is it me?'....it's not exactly a topic that points towards her being an unsuitable mother is it?

stumblymonkey i hope you are not offended by that post. I really cannot believe in this age people still think like this

No one has the right to tell you whether you should or shouldn't conceive that's why there human rights law. Don't be offended by ignorance she is obviously perfect.

I am also a parent with bipolar and anxiety. But I am also receiving treatment and consider the environment my daughter is in to be a stable loving home. My mum also had bipolar, but without treatment, I must admit it does mean I don't have particularly wonderful memories of my childhood, but I knew I was loved and I loved her very much. You can't really generalise that people with mental health issues will be bad parents the same way that people with a clean bill of physical and mental health have the ability to be god awful parents.

I completely agree with Pebble.

I said in an earlier post that this is an opportunity for the OP to address the anxiety and control issues.

No its not for me to decide who he xan talk to but it us for the op to decide who he can talk to about HER medical information.

We're going round in circles because again, it's his baby too. The medical information is about his baby. Just because it's not his body doesn't mean he is not equally invested in its wellbeing. He deserves the support he needs.

Like it or not that is not the case here Like it or not that is not the case here: information has already been shared, OP needs to deal with it. Or rather use it as a means to examine the underlying issues.

Is she insist she can say she doesn't want him sharing further scans and test results but he can't dictate from whom he gets support.

DrSuessRevived, you said that, ^"When the baby arrives, he/she is a separate person.

Until then, there is only one legal person and that is the mother. If she chooses to home birth, have someone or no one in the room when she gives birth, have an elective c section, go windsurfing against medical advice, it is no one's business but hers, because she has autonomy.

She also has the right to privacy of her medical records."^

As an aside, and I don't think the point's completely relevant, but I think that you're incorrect - the baby has rights after a certain point and in some certain circumstances the mother could face charges if her actions caused the child harm. On that basis, it would be the business of others. I think you've raised it as a point of logic, and so I only raise it because I think that highlights the flaw in your logic.

Notwithstanding that, if the OP's partner took just that part of the image that was the child and mounted on a black background and went round telling everyone, "I'm going to be a father", with whose rights would he be abusing?

I'm not offended by Xena's post.

I don't think people are purposefully offensive about MH issues (most of the time), they simply have little experience of them or have had one bad experience and lump everything together.

I guess I feel it's my duty as someone with MH issues who is not easily offended to give a wider view and point out where people may have said something from ignorance that can be stigmatising. I'm sure (I hope!) that the original post was not quite meant to come across in the way that it did.

You assume that I have no experience of MH issues, and that's why I hold that opinion? Ok. Nice assumption. Does it ever occur to you that the reason I hold that opinion is because I do have experience and therefore know that it is not a conducive environment in which to raise a child?

The fact that you do have experience xena is worse.

I'm glad stunmbly

Garrett - what right does the baby have after a certain point? Abortion is not legal after 24 weeks except in case of serious disability, but abortion is a medical process that must be undertaken by doctors.

If a pregnant woman wants to go horse riding or move 300 miles away from the father at 38 weeks, there are no rights that the baby or father has that can stop her, thank goodness.

So i am not sure where the flaw in my logic is - please clarify.

DrSuessRevived, I think this is off-the-cuff so I won't say any more after this but you asked me to clear up your uncertainty about the flaws in your logic which you stated stem from not knowing "what right does the baby have after a certain point?...If a pregnant woman wants to go horse riding... there are no rights that the baby or father has that can stop her".

The crime of child destruction confers a degree of right to life for the unborn child and that hopefully clears up your confusion.

Further, rights to protect from harm other than destruction may well attach where there isn't a complicating factual matrix - did you see the news story about the woman whose daughter suffered from foetal alcohol syndrome and who was sued for damaged? Where such damage was inflicted by a different, more immediate causative action, such a claim would be more likely to succeed.

Off-the-cuff = off topic

Xena...I didn't assume that you didn't have any experience of MH issues...I said:

"simply have little experience of them or have had one bad experience and lump everything together."

I'm not sure what your specific experience is so I can't comment but having ONE experience doesn't mean that you can logically apply the sample size of your personal experience to ALL experiences.

It's not rational to take one personal experience and extrapolate it to cover millions of people with all sort of MH issues and all kinds of ranges of experience.

AFAIK, the prosecution WRT foetal alcohol syndrome failed in the Uk because of the very point I made on women's autonomy.

Child or foetal destruction is a crime but ie the woman herself needs to be recklessly or deliberately injured or assaulted, usually by a third party, which results in the death of the foetus. Women can also be prosecuted for unlawful abortion if they try and destroy their own foetus, whether within the time limit or not.

Her undertaking risky actions like horse riding, having an accident and miscarrying would not count as foetal destruction because, again, autonomy,

www.theguardian.com/law/2014/dec/04/mother-drank-heavily-pregnant-not-guilty-crime

There have been some appalling prejudicial comments on this thread regarding whether people with mh conditions should have children. I've reported and so far most have been deleted. I'm glad MNHQ are recognising how disgusting these comments are.