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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

391 replies

Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 17:38

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

OP posts:
SkyWasMadeOfAmethyst · 26/02/2016 19:12

Scan pictures ARE personal and private. They are images of the inside of a person's body - of course they are! Where else would they be from? Outer space? Hmm Just because most people post them all over social media these days doesn't make them less of what they actually are. It is a personal choice whether or not to share ANY photos of one's children at ANY stage of development. I personally cringe when people post scan pictures on Facebook. Not everyone is desperate to share every private moment with the world at large at that doesn't make them unreasonable. Privacy is highly underrated these days.

Quimby · 26/02/2016 19:13

"An expectant mother's decision is final. He did something he was asked not to do. "

Yeah her decision about what to do with the baby and her body are final.

Not about what information a other adult can share about his own life.
"Like I'm going to be a father."

IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 19:13

Excellent, some fair posters.

Bunbaker · 26/02/2016 19:13

"Your husband has shared your confidential medical information without your permission."

We don't know exactly what he has shared though. If it was just the news and a scan that is perfectly reasonable and to be expected. If he has shared medical details then that is simply not on.

It is completely unreasonable to expect the husband not to be excited about impending fatherhood and wanting to talk to his workmates about it.

Inertia · 26/02/2016 19:14

Actually it IS just her pregnancy.

Once the baby is born, he or she will be THEIR baby.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 26/02/2016 19:15

If it was just the news and a scan that is perfectly reasonable and to be expected

Just because something's commonplace doesn't mean it's reasonable.

Badders123 · 26/02/2016 19:16

fair = they agree with you!
i really hope the op gets some help.
Her reactions to this seem rather OTT IMO.
Of course that's just what it is....my opinion, which I assume by posting in Aibu was what the op wanted?
Good luck op.

Shesinfashion · 26/02/2016 19:19

I think you've got issues. I'm glad you're sorting them out.

Bunbaker · 26/02/2016 19:22

"Just because something's commonplace doesn't mean it's reasonable."

To a certain extent that is true, but as the husband is going to be a father I think it is totally unreasonable to stop him from telling anyone, as long as he doesn't go into medical details - just "my wife is pregnant" would suffice. This is a pregnancy not an embarrassing bodies problem.

Inertia · 26/02/2016 19:22

It isn't perfectly reasonable to share the scan picture and news of the OP's pregnancy, because that's the OP's medical information to be shared as she sees fit. Most couples do share the information together, but it is just the OP's information and she is the only one who has the right to make decisions about it.

5madthings · 26/02/2016 19:24

Well said inertia

The scan is medical.info as were the blood test results the op says he has shared.

Inertia · 26/02/2016 19:24

It doesn't matter how unreasonable you think it is to stop the husband from telling people that his wife is pregnant- it still isn't his medical information to share.

Badders123 · 26/02/2016 19:25

Wow.

Molehillfromamountain · 26/02/2016 19:26

Congratulations on your pregnancy, sorry it has been a rough ride for you. I think you're being a bit unreasonable, could it just be your DHs way of processing what is a stressful time for him too? I had to have surgery during my first pregnancy which left me quite poorly for several weeks. Poor DH really just needed someone to talk to and sound his thoughts and fears off.

He's probably feeling quite helpless as I'm sure you are too, it a time of big change to your life, home, body etc. I hope you get lots of support through the rest of your pregnancy and beyond.

PS I'm 39 weeks now and there are still some people who don't know, nothing on social media so if we don't see them they don't know!

kiki22 · 26/02/2016 19:27

I think yabu asking him to keep it a secret so long I understand you have issues but it's unfair to take the excitement away from him. You need much more support, thinking of your scan as the inside of your body and not a picture of your baby speaks volumes about your state of mind. Are you scared to let ppl know because it makes it real?

FluffyPersian · 26/02/2016 19:30

I just wanted to say I can completely get where you're coming from. I actually terminated my pregnancy last October as I couldn't cope with the antenatal depression and lack of control (I wasn't certain I would get a C-section and couldn't cope), I was also struggling with the idea of my body changing and even if I had continued the pregnancy, I didn't want anyone to know... nor did I want anyone commenting or seeing scans (I didn't look at any scans at all).

I appreciate it's not 'normal', compared to the majority of people, but if it makes you feel unhappy, then personally, I think your partner should listen to your wishes. Pregnancy is shit.. I mean really, really shit for some people and you should be able to do whatever you need to do to cope... as not coping is worse for everyone involved.

Yes, it might be your partners baby, but it's your body and for the first 9 months he can't do anything to help apart from to support you mentally... Whatever helps you feel more in control (which was very, very important to me, too) is a good thing if it doesn't hurt anyone.

I really hope you feel better soon.

Notonthestairs · 26/02/2016 19:33

I do feel for you. I had a lot of intervention in both my pregnancies and I hated it. Nine months of worry both times and everyone else being terribly smiley and upbeat. All I could see were problems (some real, some imagined). Hated it.
But you mentioned that you were working on your anxiety about losing control etc so this is obviously an ongoing problem. There will be a wise MNetter with some proper (medical) advice along soon I am sure but what about trying to train yourself to look at it differently (I know your brain is currently wired to look at things in one way but you need to shift it's focus) So try thinking:-
-your DH had to tell work because he's going to need paternity leave arranged and colleagues will need to cover his work - this is good, because it means that he can be around to help you; and
-People at work are not really that interested in your pregnancy - I know you think they are because its the centre of your world at the moment but really its only important to you and the people who love you, most of the people your DH works with just wont care that much (they are only interested in what baby name you have chosen). It will be in one ear and out the other; and
-the people at your DH's work will have zero impact on your pregnancy, on your body or your child. Zero. What they think, say, advise whatever will not matter in your life. What Henry in accounting says about your pregnancy DOES NOT MATTER. And keep repeating that to yourself.
What matters is that you and your DH get your much planned baby. Hang on in there.

Inshock73 · 26/02/2016 19:33

Fluffy - very well said and heartfelt sympathy to you (flowers)

LoveBoursin · 26/02/2016 19:34

If it had been any other situation rather than pregnancy and her DH was sharing results about her blood tests/her health when she was saying NO, would it be unreasonable?

Yes it's his baby too and I think it's reasonnable enough for him to share he is going to be a dad. I imagine his colleagues would be quite surprised if he was suddenly going in paternity leave and they never knew you were pregnant.
HOWEVER, any other info about the pregnancy is YOURS and if you don't want anyone to know about it, that's your choice. Who is to say that one this colleagues doesn't know X who is also the OP' cousin/friend/colleague at work and that's how they will learn about something that is deeply personal?

Prega YANBU.
It's your medical information and it's yours to share or not. In that case, your DH should be more careful about your wishes (and more supportive)

Bunbaker · 26/02/2016 19:34

"It doesn't matter how unreasonable you think it is to stop the husband from telling people that his wife is pregnant- it still isn't his medical information to share."

So the father to be isn't allowed to tell anyone he is going to be a father?

Words fail me.

IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 19:35

Her reactions to this seem rather OTT IMO

YES. Very obviously so. Because she is suffering from mental health problems. Thus she is not approaching pregnancy like a mentally well mother would.
So well done you acknowledged that she seems OTT.

Hmm
Original poster
Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 19:35

For those asking, he shared the results of a blood test which details my liver- and the fact that it's not functioning properly.
No- I don't particularly like my colleagues. I haven't worked there long and I don't like two faced people.
No- they didn't need to know, they are my subordinates, so no reason at all.
No- I don't begrudge my husband sharing news, I do ask that my medical choices and information stay private

OP posts:
Original poster
Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 19:38

And of course my reactions are OTT. I have acknowledged my issues and am seeking help!

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 26/02/2016 19:38

You. Are. Not. Mad!! Flowers
You do however sound like you're under the vicious spell of perinatal depression. My sympathies.
It's very easy to feel slightly paranoid about things you would ordinarily brush off. It's really positive that you have been referred, I'm sure you will feel at least a little better once you have been seen.
With regards to your husband, I'm afraid you are being slightly unreasonable. He's probably desperately excited and his colleagues will be too on his behalf.
An expected baby is always such a joyous thing to share and discuss, they will only have been looking at your lovely sproglet and won't have even noticed the lining of your uterus-really!
The blood test-depending on what it was for (sorry if I missed the info) isn't weird to discuss either if for example it was:
oh Pregasaurus has been so tired, she's had a blood test to check she's not anaemic, then 'Vera' from the office asking if results were back and ok or would you need to take iron tabs etc.
One thing I would say to prepare yourself for, given that you are feeling out of control of your body, is that once you have a discernible bump, you will get these colleagues and total strangers wanting to come and rub you Hmm I'm quite tactile but I struggled with this.
Oh and remember this is AIBU, not real life, some responses may feel harsh without meaning to be as OP usually wants a black or white answer.
Take care

Quimby · 26/02/2016 19:41

Yeah that's not on from him

Telling people about being an expectant father - not your call

Sharing the Results of medical tests and problems you specifically are having - definitely your call