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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this woman taking the proverbial, or am I actually unreasonable?

387 replies

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 23/02/2016 12:07

Invited DD1s friend over for a play date in half term, and we were expecting her at 10. At 11.30 there was still no sign, so I sent mum a text asking if friend was still coming. Mum said yes, but could she now stay the night as something had come up and she didn't have anyone else to ask.

Her DD has never been here before, but DD1 likes her so I said yes, no problem, ad generally I am happy to help people in a bind, though I was a bit Hmm that she was happy to leave her DD with people she's never met overnight.

Friend came, the girls had a great time and we're good as gold. All good. Roll on for friend to be collected, and the mother texts to say she'll be over at 8 now not 6 - ok fine, no problem for me, and girls are happy.

This is where I'm not sure if being a cow or of mum is BU. 10 mins after leaving here she asks if I can have her DD overnight this Monday , as again something had come up- I said ok and hadher DD from after school mon and dropped her at school this morning, thinking that was the end of the matter. Only it wasn't - she's just text me and asked for me to have her again after school and overnight tomorrow.

I've said no. I might be being unreasonable, because technically there isn't really any reason why she can't come, I just feel a bit of a habit forming and don't want to fall into that trap. No actual reasons have been given for the need for me to have her, just 'something has come up'.

Her DD is lovely, but DD2 is in teething hell and when she's staying over I'm anxious the crying might leave her tired for school, so find it difficult to relax, and my DD doesn't sleep as well as she's not used to sharing a room, which is absolutely fine for the occasional night but I really don't want her knackered come the end of the week as we are away for the weekend and it'll be crap if she's grumpy.

Please tell me I'm not being horrible and that you would have said no too?! Blush

OP posts:
Veryflummoxed · 24/02/2016 12:11

I also agree with speaking to the person responsible for safe guarding at school. This might be a mum who was suddenly and unexpectedly overwhelmed this week (although if that was the case I think would have been far more appreciative of your help). However there is a chance that this could be another piece of info that adds to a developing picture of concern.

Perfectlypurple · 24/02/2016 12:26

lady the op has already said she will be speaking to the school about this.

Strokethefurrywall · 24/02/2016 12:35

Surely the only sane response is along the lines of 'Well, go fuck a pig then, you utter mentalist'?

I had a moment of pure joy upon reading this Grin

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 24/02/2016 12:38

'No need to be rude. Despite my various commitments and knowing each other, I've been very helpful'

That hits the nail on the head for me.

Poor child Sad
I wouldn't be at all surprised if the school aren't already aware.

I'm only repeating everyone else, but the sheer jaw dropping cheek of the woman makes it nigh on impossible for me not to add a comment. Calling you arsey when all she's done is abuse your hospitality and mentioning friendship whilst not doing a single thing to pursue any friendship is staggering.

The lack of thanks or gratitude for extending the hours, child minding on request and overnight care is not the mark of someone desperate out of the blue, it's the mark of a freeloader who knows how to take advantage.
Not so much as a bunch of daffs or a thank you of any kind and now a big fat 'thanks for nothing'

At least you know from that there's no way back for her.

ricepudding84 · 24/02/2016 12:42

Wow what a bloody cheek!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 24/02/2016 12:52

100% agree with Spandexpants007 with this reply:
'No need to be rude. Despite my various commitments and not knowing each other, I've been very helpful'

I also agree with others in relation to flagging this with the teachers/principal of the school her daughter goes to as this may become an issue they will need to get involved in (unless they are already aware and just waiting on the next 'friend' to walk through the door and mention it to them)

You've been more than helpful where her child-minding requirements is concerned.

Ginkypig · 24/02/2016 12:59

Some people are really ridiculous!

Fratelli · 24/02/2016 13:02

Shock I genuinely can't believe the cheek of people!

nocabbageinmyeye · 24/02/2016 13:06

Surely the only sane response is along the lines of 'Well, go fuck a pig then, you utter mentalist

snorting!! too funny!!

Waltermittythesequel · 24/02/2016 13:07

Are you going to respond?

Cheeky cow.

I would respond but it's probably best not to?

"Friends? You don't even know me and you're foisting your poor dd on to me every chance you get. What is wrong with you?"

wannaBe · 24/02/2016 13:09

I would actually speak to the other parents and see if anyone else has had dealings with her. Given how quickly she latched on to the OP it doesn't sound as if she regularly palms her child off or she has clearly run out of people to do her favours.

My guess would be that she either has a boyfriend she wants to spend the night with or she's some kind of escort and using the house as a base iyswim but has to be opportunistic.

But, although I would mention it to the school I think it's highly unlikely they will do anything. the children are friends, the one came to the other's house and the mother clearly lacks any kinds of social skills or judgement. But that alone wouldn't warrant a referral to SS.

Years ago I spoke to the school about a parent who had openly admitted to washing her child's mouth out with soap and when he hid the soap to prevent them they used shower gel instead. Nothing ever came of it. In fact I posted about it on here at the time and was told to stay out of it, so clearly opinion on what is and isn't serious depends on the day and who's reading...

BalloonSlayer · 24/02/2016 13:12

Sometimes I think I'd like to write an essay or thesis or something on how soap operas have affected society, because I wonder if people like this women are like this because in soaps the kids (when they are visible at all, that is) are always being looked after by all and sundry, without complaint. I wonder if people who watch a lot of soaps actually think that real people actually do that and that it's normal, rather than a device to not have child actors on screen very often.

SilverDragonfly1 · 24/02/2016 13:20

I sometimes wonder that Balloonslayer although I tend to be thinking of people who seem to believe every little disagreement has to be a huge screaming drama or that every act of infidelity will be inevitably found out, however brief or long ago...

Skyelixir · 24/02/2016 13:31

yanbu she is taking the piss

Comeonmommy · 24/02/2016 13:35

I know I may invite a barrel of abuse to come my way but....what if the mum is going through pure hell right now?

I 100% agree something is going on, she has come across downright rude and you need to let the school know just so you have done everything you could have should the worst become true but it doesn't sit easy with me - why as a mum would you ever put your child in harms way?

I have read this from the start and know that new boyfriend/partying etc could be her excuse and I admit I can only come up with a couple of other excuses but, what if she has split from her partner who used to watch the child while she was at work hence why she's stuck now with little notice? What if she's just lost her job and although it means her working rubbish hours, at least she is bringing in an income? What if she's found out she's I'll - the hospital visit was for herself and she isn't coping very well?

I have read how rude she has been and there has been no thank you but desperation can make people do wrong things. If she's worried she may snap and even mistake 1 sleepover as a friendship.

Whatever is going on in her life, farming her child out at least means she doesn't leave her home alone. She has done this all wrong but without all the facts I don't think we should all condemn her - just my thoughts.

wrcm · 24/02/2016 13:37

I would definitely say that she is taking the piss, however the way she is acting isn't fair on her DD. Does she not have any other family, has she mentioned where she would usually go to after school? I would be more concerned about that, might be worth mentioning it to the school...

I would under no circumstances let me daughter go to someone's house on their own if I had never met them before, never mind stay overnight so that right there has red flags for me!

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath · 24/02/2016 13:39

she must have some serious boundary issues - she really doesn't sound quite mentally right to me. I would take screen shots of all of those texts and speak to the school. You might find she's not that easy to get rid of.

I feel very, very sorry for her child.

Carolbetty · 24/02/2016 13:41

She's 'aving a larf, mate!!!!! Surely something must have "come up" (easy Saucy!) for you this weekend which would required her having your children Friday and Saturday nights? And sleepovers on a school night - wouldn't even contemplate it.

Viperama · 24/02/2016 13:46

Unreal! Sounds like a woman I used to work with, used people shamelessly, then had a daughter, and appeared to farm her off on her friends all the time. At least she used people she actually knew though!

OP please update us re alerting someone to safeguard this little girls. She was safe at yours, the next strangers she goes to might have a sexual predator at home. Doesn't bear thinking about.

Praying for her and her very reckless mom! She needs a talking to by someone official to clean up her act and start caring for her child properly

CruCru · 24/02/2016 13:46

No need to be rude. Despite my various commitments and not knowing each other, I've been very helpful

If you MUST respond, then this is as good a response as any I've seen. However, I still suggest that you don't get into a text fight. Don't feed the drama.

I also wouldn't go round speaking with the other mums about it. If you do speak to the school then your having gone round the other mums MAY look as though you are deliberately trying to be unkind, rather than concerned for her daughter's welfare.

If other mums have experienced this then they will be quick to tell you.

Viperama · 24/02/2016 13:51

Would like to add, regardless or her behaviour and her reasons, fair or foul - she's not looking out for her daughter leaving her at a strangers overnight. Needs reporting

Tandia · 24/02/2016 14:07

I've just read the whole thread and have been trying to think of some way to justify this woman's behaviour (not wanting to believe there really are such hideously entitled people in the world). Such as, she thinks she's had a conversation with you regarding some major family crisis she's going through at the moment, but actually she had that conversation with someone else. Or, she's muddled you up with an actual friend in her phone and thinks she's been texting someone else! Neither of these really make sense though, and I think she probably is just that awful. Feel so sorry for the daughter 😕

I think the best thing to do is probably ignore her now, although also feel she really needs someone to tell her off! (Plus I want to hear her next response!)

AcrossthePond55 · 24/02/2016 14:29

Comeonmommy No one can know what's going on in this woman's life, but if there IS something then she needs to deal with it. And sometimes people have to be forced to do so. Maybe if people stop letting her take advantage of them, she'll finally admit to one of them that she needs help.

I like Spandex's reply. I might be tempted to add on 'but it appears that you may need more help than I can supply'.

KatharinaRosalie · 24/02/2016 14:42

If you were asking a perfect stranger to have your child several times per week overnight, because of some kind of emergency, surely most people would at least give some kind of explanation? Not hard to say 'childminder cancelled at last minute but I can't change my shift at work' or something.

Skyelixir · 24/02/2016 15:34

I suggest you block her phone number, if you have an iphone its very easy to do

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