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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding seating - awkward situation

238 replies

carefreeeee · 22/02/2016 11:06

My partner's sister is getting married in 2 weeks. My partner and I have been together for about a year and I have met the sister and her partner about 4 times, and got on well. I know the parents as well and they come to tea at our house and we go to theirs etc, no problems.

I have just found out that at the wedding breakfast, my partner will be seated at the top table along with the bride, groom, their parents, 2 bridesmaids and 2 best men. However apparently there is no space for me and I will be seated with some friends of the bride whom I have never met.

I think this is a bit off because a) it makes it clear that they don't consider me a member of their family and b) I don't think it is very nice to sit a guest away from everyone they know.

Obviously it is up to them how they arrange things, but as far as I was aware if you are invited to a wedding as a couple you would normally be seated togther, and I don't think it's that traditional to have the bride's brother at the top table anyway so I don't really see the need for this...he doesn't have any other role in the wedding/isn't doing a speech or anything.

I don't want to make a fuss and tell them how to do their seating plan etc. But at the same time I don't really want to go under those circumstances - I think it would be awkward and embarrassing, and the only reason I would go is to be with my partner - I don't know the sister all that well.

The wedding is being held close to where we live so it would be easy enough for me not to go...

WIBU to cancel last minute due to a family emergency/ or would it be better to cancel now and explain why...although I don't want to fall out with anyone as they are basically nice people? Help!

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 22/02/2016 13:43

Around here it is quite normal for the wedding party to be seated at a "head table"and spouses of bridesmaids & groomsmen to be seated elsewhere. It sounds as if the bride and groom tried to arrange congenial seating for you.

One thing you should understand; you said couples should be seated together - actually that is not traditional dinner-party etiquette at all, and a wedding reception of this sort is nothing but a fancy dinner party. In traditional etiquette couples are separated on the premise that if they wanted to sit and talk with one another, they would not be out socializing. A dinner party is theoretically not so much about the food but about the opportunity ti mix and converse with a variety of people. So really, they technically are doing nothing wrong in seating you apart whether or not your boyfriend is a member of the wedding party.

It would be quite gauche to pout and cancel.

Tiggeryoubastard · 22/02/2016 13:50

And whatever you do, don't do what the vile creature my partners son went out with did after going out together for only a few months. Barged to the front when the brides immediate family were called for a photo and threw an epic wobbly and sulked when asked, very very politely, to leave it to the immediate family. She was dumped and gone by the first dance, and believe me, it wasn't a moment too soon.

CrushedNinjas · 22/02/2016 13:50

I think YABU and need to suck it up for a couple of hours. I can completely understand why you wouldn't be invited to join the bride's brother on the top table and I think you're lucky to have been invited at all.
I uninvited my nephew to my actual wedding when he asked if he could bring his new partner with him. They'd only been together a few months and I'd never met her. My wedding was small (10 guests, just siblings & adult DC) so instead, I invited them both to the party we held afterwards.
I only invited him originally because he was recently bereaved and to please my sister. I was trying to keep the actual wedding day to small numbers and very close relatives only.

blaeberry · 22/02/2016 13:54

I've been to weddings where I have only known the brides close family and sat with people I don't know. I have also been to very formal dinners where you are generally NOT sat with your partner (normally a few chairs away from them); you are expected to speak to the rest of the guests. Sometimes I have great conversations with very interesting individuals, sometimes I get a bit bored, either way I cope.

marshmallowpies · 22/02/2016 13:56

Definitely sympathise that it's not ideal - I was put on the kiddy table at a wedding when I was about 21, only 1 or 2 other adults on the table, and it was obvious we were the 'spare parts' who had nowhere else to go. It was fearfully dull.

However, weddings are complicated and trying to please everyone is complicated. I was a bridesmaid for my DB and my then boyfriend was put on the top table with the rest of the family - we'd been together about 18 months at that point. I was very pleased at the time that he was treated as one of the family, but of course we split up a few years later and I cringe at the thought that he's in all the photos. Luckily the picture my DB has on his mantelpiece is just the 'family group' and doesn't include my ex.

jemimastar · 22/02/2016 13:58

I have been in same situation as you and was sat away from a boyfriend at the time who was best man at his brothers wedding, as well as having to put the girlfriend 1 of my DH's 2 best men on a separate table as we had to prioritise family and the wife of the other best an. As others have said- its not your day, suck it up and be gracious, uncomplaining and smile. When its your own wedding day you will understand, its nothing personal.

Lemond1fficult · 22/02/2016 14:06

It sounds as if you might suffer from social anxiety - most people are nervous around strangers, but if you have anxiety, it can make a two-hour dinner seem impossible.

I always just take a deep breath, and take the lead - turn to whoever sits down next to you and introduce yourself, ask them how they know the bride/groom then pile on the questions. Everyone likes talking about themselves. Once you've got through the first glass of wine, everything will be much easier anyway. (but resist the temptation to get smashed!)

plantsitter · 22/02/2016 14:11

Are you serious about this relationship? I don't mean that to be a rhetorical question by the way - if you are, I think you should just suck it up and try to enjoy it.

In 20 years they'll all be saying 'did we really not sit you at the top table? How funny!' etc.

You will be glad you didn't make this into an issue in the future. Look at it as an opportunity to get to know your DP's wider family & friends.

middlings · 22/02/2016 14:13

YABU.

Is your DP part of the wedding party? Is he an usher or a groomsman? If yes, that YADBU. When DH and I were married I was a bridesmaid and was at the top table while my DH was sitting with my school friends and being encouraged to drink way too much. He didn't know them at all well as we don't live in the country where I'm from.

middlings · 22/02/2016 14:13

Oh I see he doesn't have a role....still, YABU

Witchend · 22/02/2016 14:20

We had a similar strop with bil's gf at our wedding. She was sat with a group of friends that knew her better than me as they were dh's and bil (only 9 months between them in age) group they had grown up in and she was one of the group. Bil had been asked to be on the top table to announce speeches etc. She clearly thought that she should be on it to.
On contrast my dsis' fiancé, who genuinely had met no one except immediate family who were on the top table, and also struggles socially was delightful about it.

She went down in everyone's estimation after that.

theclick · 22/02/2016 14:22

after meeting them 4 times you can't possibly expect to be sat on the top table. trust me you will feel like you shouldn't and they will feel like it is wasted. you can't expect them to call you family after meeting them 4 times! i would get your partner to sit with you on the other table. tbh i wasn't bothered about my siblings being on my top table (they were in the end anyway which was nice but i know they weren't fussed) so this shld be ok.

HidingUnderARock · 22/02/2016 15:03

I have to agree with squigglegirl. Also I think the only time I've known what the table plan is before the wedding is when I was involved with organising it
Also, even when it is your own family's wedding ime it is rare to know a soul on your table despite presumably being related to some of them. It seems they have made a kind effort to put you with people you might get along with rather than just random people of alternating gender.

If you genuinely have anxiety issues then your bf should understand you asking if anything could be done, however this may mean moving you to be next to someone you have met rather than moving you to top table or him off top table, both of which are VU. Perhaps he could arrange for you to meet one or more of the people on your table beforehand?

I have been wondering how to say this nicely. If you cancel at the last minute, make a fuss/excuse etc, this would at least give your bf a heads-up as to what he is getting into and with whom. Would he approve, or ever do something like that himself? I wonder if he knows you would consider it, and what he would think.

You seem quite fixated on what you think the bride and groom ought to do, what they don't need, and so on regarding your seat. This makes you seem rather entitled. Its their day, its costing a truck load of money and they aren't planning to do it again ever. They don't actually "need" a wedding at all, or a dress or to feed dozens/hundreds of people or anything. You are being honoured with an invitation which you are expected to gracefully accept or decline in good time. Your bf is being honoured with a top table seat near his sister the bride. Its actually a duty for everyone involved, though some will enjoy it more than others, and your duty as a partner of a family member is to be at the very least undemanding.

Help everyone have the best day they can by not being a problem.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/02/2016 15:37

Can't answer for anyone else re. having a non-wedding party sibling on the top table, but the reason my sister was going to do it was because he would have been the only direct family member not on the top table - Mum and Dad and I were all there, as of course was she - she wanted him to be there too as a part of that family unit. Scuppered by the stroppy now ex-GF.

unimaginativename13 · 22/02/2016 16:14

YABU

It's 2 hours (?) of the day. Are you unable to socialise with other people?

It sounds like your spitting your dummy out, I wouldn't say it was normal at all to have you on the top table and is of no reflection on how they see you.

It happens all the time at weddings! My maid of honour and best man both had partners on separate tables, weddings are a time to get involved.

The best weddings are where it's mixed up a bit. Remember the days isn't about you and they probably didn't give a second thought to your seating arrangements.

When you get married you will realise someone being pissed of about a seat it so trivial.

Foginthehills · 22/02/2016 17:58

YABU

And if you're going to invoke " tradition" then the correct form at formal dinner parties is that one never seats couples together. They are always split up. It's just too boring for and inconsiderate of the other guests to have a couple next to each other.

And how interesting for you to meet good friends of your boyfriend's sister. If you are hoping to marry this bf (as you seem to by calling him your partner) then wouldn't it be fun and interesting to meet people connected with his family? I love sitting with strangers at weddings - we're all connected by knowing either the bride or the groom, and it's lovely hearing about the couple from others, and meeting other people in their lives.

But really, you sound very self-centred. This wedding is not about you. Go along and celebrate and be happy for your boyfriend's sister. You have the opportunity here to be polite and gracious, rather than whiny and spoilt.

SpinachJelly · 22/02/2016 18:39

This situation would make me very anxious. I'd probably still go rather than show up my partner, but I find small talk difficult (have a hearing loss problem so that doesn't help) and I'm painfully shy. Not spoilt, or whiny or entitled. So I feel for you OP. We are not all confident and outgoing.
Never the less - put on your glad rags, plaster on a smile and before you know it the meal will be over and the dancing will have started. Chances are you will have a ball.
Let us know.

Earlyday · 22/02/2016 18:56

I've been with my DP for nearly 20 yrs and we have 2 DCs

At my sisters wedding I sat at at top table and DH sat at another table with some people he hardly knew - We didn't think anything of it - it's only for the length of the meal anyway. You can't put everyone on the top table so they put the close family there

unimaginativename13 · 22/02/2016 19:31

If the OP had said something along the lines of .... I find social events impossible, leaving the house can be very daunting any suggestions for being without my partner? The responses may have been very different.

But the reasons given were

I think this is a bit off because a) it makes it clear that they don't consider me a member of their family and b) I don't think it is very nice to sit a guest away from everyone they know.

Waltermittythesequel · 22/02/2016 19:43

You're being ridiculous.

jevoudrais · 22/02/2016 19:52

It's not your wedding, and nearly a year isn't very long at all. Weddings can be planned far more in advance than that. You might make the top table an odd number and, tbh, if the bride has only met you a handful of times I don't know why she would want you up there anyway.

My OH's brother (who is best man) won't be at the top table. But he has been with his partner for nearly a decade and they have two children, so I wanted them all to be able to sit together.

I think you should be pleased that you're invited and deal with it.

Fluffy24 · 22/02/2016 20:15

YABU - sounds normal to me - I've been both maid of honour and wife of best man and on each occasion I've been sitting separately from DH. In fact I'd be a bit ShockBlush if they did seat me at top table just because DH was best man.

^^ to PP re not being in family photos. I was at a wedding once as GF of best man (been seeing him about a year) and I was really uncomfortable when the videographer insisted I was included with BF in recording a message for the couple because I kept thinking that in future years it would be a bit of a shame for the best man's ex GF to be immortalised in the wedding video!!Grin

SoupDragon · 22/02/2016 21:00

Has the OP been back...?

TheMrsD · 22/02/2016 21:07

Nope. Perhaps looking online instead for white dresses to wear to the wedding.

Essexgirlupnorth · 22/02/2016 21:08

My sister was a bridesmaid so she was on the top table at my wedding and her husband was on a table with my gran and other family members.
I think you are being a bit precious it is only really the speeches when you will need to be sat in your seat and the rest you can mingle.
Don't cancel and don't like my BIL girlfriend have a face like thunder all day it will not help your relationship with your partners family.