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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding seating - awkward situation

238 replies

carefreeeee · 22/02/2016 11:06

My partner's sister is getting married in 2 weeks. My partner and I have been together for about a year and I have met the sister and her partner about 4 times, and got on well. I know the parents as well and they come to tea at our house and we go to theirs etc, no problems.

I have just found out that at the wedding breakfast, my partner will be seated at the top table along with the bride, groom, their parents, 2 bridesmaids and 2 best men. However apparently there is no space for me and I will be seated with some friends of the bride whom I have never met.

I think this is a bit off because a) it makes it clear that they don't consider me a member of their family and b) I don't think it is very nice to sit a guest away from everyone they know.

Obviously it is up to them how they arrange things, but as far as I was aware if you are invited to a wedding as a couple you would normally be seated togther, and I don't think it's that traditional to have the bride's brother at the top table anyway so I don't really see the need for this...he doesn't have any other role in the wedding/isn't doing a speech or anything.

I don't want to make a fuss and tell them how to do their seating plan etc. But at the same time I don't really want to go under those circumstances - I think it would be awkward and embarrassing, and the only reason I would go is to be with my partner - I don't know the sister all that well.

The wedding is being held close to where we live so it would be easy enough for me not to go...

WIBU to cancel last minute due to a family emergency/ or would it be better to cancel now and explain why...although I don't want to fall out with anyone as they are basically nice people? Help!

OP posts:
CooPie10 · 22/02/2016 11:29

Yabu this isn't about you. And if you see a long term relationship and future with your dp , the sensible thing to do would not throw a strop at this early stage.

You are Together only a year, you hardly know her, why would she have you at the main table? Don't make your dp sit elsewhere with you, presumably she wants her brother at the table.

ZiggyFartdust · 22/02/2016 11:29

I think this is a bit off because a) it makes it clear that they don't consider me a member of their family

Of course they don't, because you aren't. You're her brothers fairly new girlfriend who they barely know. And you certainly won't ever get any closer if you tell them you aren't going to the wedding because you are offended by the seating arrangements!

Jibberjabberjooo · 22/02/2016 11:29

I think he should be sitting with you. It's all very well saying get to know everyone on your table but we're not all good at small talk.

Jibberjabberjooo · 22/02/2016 11:30

Whatever you do don't cancel at the last minute, that's just rude. Weddings cost money.

PennyHasNoSurname · 22/02/2016 11:30

OP its literally just the meal. Three courses and some speeches. 1.5/2 hours out of the whole day.

pinkyredrose · 22/02/2016 11:30

Come on you don't think a girlfriend of a years standing should be sat at the top table instead if her own brother?

You'll have to stick it up in afraid, go, be pleasant and try your best to have a good time, maybe at the next family wedding you'll be sat together.

Jibberjabberjooo · 22/02/2016 11:31

No you absolutely shouldn't be at the top table, he should be on your table.

bakeoffcake · 22/02/2016 11:31

Partners never sit with the people at the top table so don't take it personally.Smile

I really wouldn't make a fuss about it. I'm sure the bride has chosen some nice people for you to sit next to.

SaucyJack · 22/02/2016 11:32

I think you can make as much or as little of a situation out of it as you like.

Presumably the bride likes her friends so they can't be all bad. You might even have a laugh.

And even if you don't, it'll be a couple of hours of minor boredom at a hugely important event for your boyfriend and his family.

Don't embarrass yourself.

WonderingAspie · 22/02/2016 11:32

YABU. Their wedding isn't about you. And you shouldn't be at the top table, you aren't family. To pull out over a fake family emergency because you are throwing a strop at the seating plan would be very childish indeed.

We went to a wedding last year. One of the ushers was on a table where he didn't know anyone (think he was sat with a BM). He sucked it up and got on with it then after the meal, sat with people he knew. It's not a big deal. DH and I only knew 2 people at the wedding (apart from the B and G), we were on a table with grooms family who we didn't know. They were lovely and we had a great time. You make do because the wedding is about the people getting married, not the brides, brothers partner.

ChoudeBruxelles · 22/02/2016 11:33

Yabu. Top table is usually parents, best man and bridesmaids.

Duckdeamon · 22/02/2016 11:33

YABU!

ClarkL · 22/02/2016 11:33

I don't agree that you should be on the top table, her brother is clearly important to her and that's why he is on the top table. For my wedding both my parents partners were sat on other tables as I didnt want them on the top table. If you really want to become part of the family you'll need to suck it up and make an effort with her friends. Several people didn't know anyone else on their table but we made the effort to put people in groups based on personality, if your sat with several other girls, im guessing they have thought of you.
To cancel 'last minute' is pretty selfish, most weddings are minimum £40 a head for the wedding breakfast, another £10 for the evening and for us another £12.50 on the drinks package - build in favors etc and I think for us it worked out at £75 a head.
Ultimately the only time you wont be with him is the actual wedding breakfast which is a couple of hours out of the whole day

22OntarioStreet · 22/02/2016 11:34

I had this situation at my sister's wedding, I didn't think anything of it to be honest. I'd been with DP about a year too but he must have been a pretty new partner when the wedding was being planned. It's not anything against you, partners of MoH and best man don't usually sit at the top table. I know your DP is neither of those but his sister obviously wants him there.

My sister wanted me at the top table and there wasn't room for anyone else even if she'd wanted him there (she did invite me +2 to allow DP to sit with someone he knew which was very nice of her but not absolutely essential).

It'll only be for the meal, you can spend the majority of the rest of the wedding with DP, especially if he isn't in the wedding party. Is there any chance it could be arranged for you to meet the people you'll be sat with beforehand?

bigredballoon · 22/02/2016 11:35

Not a big issue, YABU. I think the sister has seated you with her friends because she hopes you will be comfortable and have some fun. It's a couple of hours, they are probably a laugh and you might make some new friends out of it.

I am not a massively social person, and I would just suck it up and have a few glasses of wine. I was once invited on a hen weekend and only knew one other person apart from the bride, and she dropped out due to illness, I really really didn't want to go. So it was me, the bride and all her friends who I had never met, we were staying all weekend in a house with shared bedrooms.

We are ALL now great friends and meet regularly and totally at ease with each other.

Best think I ever did forcing myself to go.

CocktailQueen · 22/02/2016 11:35

the only reason I would go is to be with my partner - I don't know the sister all that well

So why would you be sitting at the top table? After only a year I wouldn't consider you family either - sorry!

Go, chat to who you're witting with, have fun, and you can see your dp after the meal. It's only a meal - you're not being separated for life.

BaskingTrout · 22/02/2016 11:36

the last 2 weddings I have been to, DH has been best man. he has been on top table and I've been elsewhere. I've had DD with me on both occasions, once as an 8 week old and once when she was 8 months. both times I've been with some people I have met before but don't know well, and some people i've never met. obviously its not ideal, especially with a baby. but as others have said, its just the meal, its not all day.
the bride obviously wants her brother there with her for the meal, even if he isn't in the wedding party. its definitely not worth causing stress over, just put up with it and don't say anything. and definitely don't cancel at the last minute!

loulou0987 · 22/02/2016 11:36

This sound quite normal to me. I was my sisters bridesmaid and sat at the top table and my husband sat with some family he had only met once! Its only for a couple of hours and please don't cancel at the last minute (they will have paid for you!)

EverybodyHatesATourist · 22/02/2016 11:36

DH was best man for his friend and sat at the top table, I sat at another table with people I'd never met before. It was two hours max and looking back it would have been the same for the best man's partner at our wedding. It would honestly never occur to me that people would find this a problem. Grown adults not being able to make small talk for a couple of hours unless their partner is with them, really? Confused

clam · 22/02/2016 11:38

Well, if you've only met them 4 times, why would they consider you part of the family? It's only been a year; for all they know, you could be just a passing girlfriend.

That said, there's no form for having a sibling at the top table "just because," and I don't think YABU for wanting him to sit elsewhere with you. But it's for him to sort out.

At least you've been invited! There was another thread on here a week or two back where the (male) OP's partner of 4 years wasn't invited to his own brother's wedding at all because his ex-wife was going and "would be too upset" if the "new" partner went. Anyone know what the outcome of that one was?

BarbarianMum · 22/02/2016 11:39

I'd guess after a year you are only just squeezing from the 'casual girlfriend' to the 'partner category' so of course they don't consider you family!

Would it really be so hard to sit and make polite conversation for an hour - you can be with your partner for the rest of the wedding?

ivykaty44 · 22/02/2016 11:41

I don't see that this is a problem, it is after all the meal where you will be sat away from your dp and not the entire event.

Other people on the table are most likely to not all know each other and it gives you a chance to meet other people and have a chat.

Possibly ask who you are sitting with and what they like dislike.

But sat on a table of strangers, introduce yourself and ask lots of questions about themselves.

Time will pass and before you know it it will be speeches - where no one can talk anyway, then afterwards people start moving about and you can rejoin your dp or continue conversations with the people you have met.

ZenNudist · 22/02/2016 11:42

Yabu for many reasons:

  1. fairly new gf vs lifelong family member, I know who I want at my top table
  2. not unusual seating plan and DPs might be annoyed if your db couldn't sit with the family at this important family day
  3. you've met them 4 times but you want to sit at their top table?!
  4. do not cancel full stop if you want to be considered family eventually
  5. if you cancel last minute b&g will hold it against you for life
  6. ask to go on hen do if it's local and reasonably priced, that way you get to know brides friends in advance of wedding and you'll have a better time
  7. if bride wants her Db to sit with immediate family at a meal where better to sit you than with people of your own age? Would you rather sit with random aunts/ uncles / cousins?
  8. suck it up for one short meal and try and have fun the rest of the time.
3luckystars · 22/02/2016 11:43

Its fairly normal. Just get on with it for the hour or two that you are away from your partner and have a nice day.

clam · 22/02/2016 11:44

You perhaps also need to prepare yourself for the fact that you may well not be in any of the official photo line-ups (if they're having all of that).

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