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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding seating - awkward situation

238 replies

carefreeeee · 22/02/2016 11:06

My partner's sister is getting married in 2 weeks. My partner and I have been together for about a year and I have met the sister and her partner about 4 times, and got on well. I know the parents as well and they come to tea at our house and we go to theirs etc, no problems.

I have just found out that at the wedding breakfast, my partner will be seated at the top table along with the bride, groom, their parents, 2 bridesmaids and 2 best men. However apparently there is no space for me and I will be seated with some friends of the bride whom I have never met.

I think this is a bit off because a) it makes it clear that they don't consider me a member of their family and b) I don't think it is very nice to sit a guest away from everyone they know.

Obviously it is up to them how they arrange things, but as far as I was aware if you are invited to a wedding as a couple you would normally be seated togther, and I don't think it's that traditional to have the bride's brother at the top table anyway so I don't really see the need for this...he doesn't have any other role in the wedding/isn't doing a speech or anything.

I don't want to make a fuss and tell them how to do their seating plan etc. But at the same time I don't really want to go under those circumstances - I think it would be awkward and embarrassing, and the only reason I would go is to be with my partner - I don't know the sister all that well.

The wedding is being held close to where we live so it would be easy enough for me not to go...

WIBU to cancel last minute due to a family emergency/ or would it be better to cancel now and explain why...although I don't want to fall out with anyone as they are basically nice people? Help!

OP posts:

AntiHop · 22/02/2016 12:42

Yanbu. I was in this situation. I was my sister's bm. I'd been with my partner for about 9 months and we were living together. My sister has originally put my dp at another table. He was really worried about it as he's not good at chatting to people. Being at a table with strangers would be like torture to him! He knew no one else at the wedding apart from my immediate family. I explained it to my sister and she put him next to me at the top table.

19lottie82 · 22/02/2016 12:42

They can't have everyone at the top table. It will be for a couple of hour, tops. Sitting next to someone you don't know won't kill you, you might enjoy it! If you cancel then YADBU.

TamaraLamara · 22/02/2016 12:42

So, you're contemplating lying in order to not go to the wedding because you've taken a huff?

I'd say that, on the strength of a mere four meetings, SIL has got the measure of you, OP

WickedWax · 22/02/2016 12:46

Neither of your solutions are acceptable and will make you look either extremely petty (demanding your boyfriend is sat with you) or like an absolute crank (when your lie about a family emergency gets found out).

Paste on a smile, go with an open mind. You'll probably have a blast on the friends table. Friends of the bride may well end up as really good friends of yours a few years from now.

gleekster · 22/02/2016 12:46

I do think it is rather odd that the brother is sat at the top table when he has no actual role in the wedding. I have never seen that before.

However, once the formalities are over, people usually move around and you can be with your boyfriend again can't you? And you may find opportunities to impress whichever friends and family you are seated with so that his family think you are a good egg?

You may find the group you are sat with are hilarious fun and you don't even want to speak to anyone else!!

It would be very odd to seat you at the top table, and I don't think you should cancel either - just go with the flow and enjoy yourself.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 22/02/2016 12:47

You're pretty much a fuck buddy at a year in. Fuck buddies don't get top table seats. Calm your heels and sit where you're out.

badg3r · 22/02/2016 12:48

YABU it sounds normal to me.

EBearhug · 22/02/2016 12:48

I think the only time I've known what the table plan is before the wedding is when I was involved with organising it, as I was the only bridesmaid. So usually, as a guest, there's no opportunity to stress about it beforehand.

And it could be far worse - as an awkward single person, at one wedding, I got relegated to the children's table. I was about 29 at the time...

MrsJayy · 22/02/2016 12:48

harsh

VitaSackvileVest · 22/02/2016 12:52

Hope none of the sister's friends will be an ex of your fella - now that would be bitchy!

OllyBJolly · 22/02/2016 12:53

And it could be far worse - as an awkward single person, at one wedding, I got relegated to the children's table. I was about 29 at the time

Now that is VVV U!

There may be many reasons for bride to have her brother at the table - if there's more than one bridesmaid maybe it's to balance out the table. But as other posters say, that's not the issue. if you consider yourself as family then you have to be there. It's only a few hours you'll be at a table with people you will no doubt get to know - and might even like. Once the meal is over, you can get to know the family better.

Enjoy the wedding

LettingAgentNightmare · 22/02/2016 12:54

As above. You are a girlfriend, a newish girlfriend at that. In a trillion years I wouldn't have my brothers newish girlfriend on my top table nor in any of my important photos.

She hardly knows you! She would probably have most of the room on the tap table before you. Why would you even consider throwing a tantrum because someone you've met 4 times doesn't want you right up there at her wedding.

WickedWax · 22/02/2016 12:55

Also - are you going to let your boyfriend in on the fake family emergency - thereby forcing him to lie for you on the day... Or are you going to let him also believe you have a family emergency, so the day has a cloud over it and is spoiled for him as he's worrying about you?

You do realise that's pretty selfish, don't you?

skyeskyeskye · 22/02/2016 12:55

YABU. My brother is getting married this year and the partners of the wedding party are all sat together on one table. You are not married to your DP, you have only met his sister a few times, why would she put you on the top table?

I agree it is unusual though to have somebody on top table who is not part of the usual wedding party bride groom, parents, bridesmaids, best man etc, so it seems odd that your DP is there.

I am sitting on the table of odds at my brothers wedding, as I have no DP and my DD is bridesmaid and on the top table. We will still have fun though!

If you really don't want to go though, please don't cancel at the last minute as they will still have to pay for your food and it is very annoying when that happens.

KitKat1985 · 22/02/2016 12:55

Whilst I can see where you are coming from (I hate sitting with people I don't know either) you are over-reacting by contemplating not going. You yourself acknowledge that you don't know the sister that well so I'm not really sure why you are miffed they don't consider you a member of your family. I wouldn't consider someone I had met only 4 times to be like family either. Most of the day (during the ceremony, photos, dancing etc) you can be with your partner. Surely you can suck up the remaining hour or two over dinner making small talk with some other people (and a good chunk of that will be listening to speeches anyway so you won't have to make conversation during that time). Once the dancing starts most people at weddings I've been too just sit where they like anyway. It's only usually formalised seating for the meal itself.

Katenka · 22/02/2016 12:56

The wedding day is not about you.

There could be many reasons she wants him at the top table.

I think not going would be a shitty thing to do.

I don't know why people can't just go to weddings without there being a fuss.

I was bridesmaid for s, never met any of them before and spent a car journey, a couple of hours hanging around with them and say with them (there were quite a few so on MoH was on top table). I just got on with it.

stealthbanana · 22/02/2016 12:56

I had my brother at my top table, and he didn't have an official role in the wedding. I did it because my sisters were both bridesmaids, and DHs brothers were best men. We had both sets of parents on the table, so my bro would have been the only family member not with us otherwise, which seemed sad.

All partners (mostly husbands and wives) sat elsewhere and all had a ball because we thought about where to seat them and put them next to nice people.

Yabu

Zigazigah · 22/02/2016 12:56

OP I agree with you that they ABU. I think there is a lot of nonsense around 'top tables'. At my wedding my husband and I sat at a round table like all the other guests - we sat with our parents and our siblings and their partners (some of whom were in the 'wedding party', and my sister had only been with her partner for a year). The best man, bridesmaids and ushers were sat with their own partners and friends on other tables. I am sure everyone had a much better time that way and I wouldn't have dreamed of splitting up couples.

I really do sympathise with you being sat with people you don't know but I think YWBU to drop out on account of it. It will only be for a few hours, and you can spend the rest of the day with your partner. Alternatively, your partner could suggest that he would prefer to sit with you.

nellyflora · 22/02/2016 12:57

Sorry but yabui have sat alone (including with a baby) several times at weddings when my DH has been best man. My brother was also on top table at our wedding (usher) his girlfriend was on another table she was fine we sat her with people she already knew and on a lively fun table! Can you hold a conversation? people are generally friendly it's a wedding nothing scary. Just go the brides friends will no doubt be very friendly it's only for a meal.

carabos · 22/02/2016 12:57

Guestzilla. Glue.

Pixilicious · 22/02/2016 12:59

yabu - you've only been together a year so obviously you're not yet part of the family. It's their wedding so what they want is what counts. It's a couple of hours out of the day, you're an adult, suck it up.

var123 · 22/02/2016 12:59

You are only BF/ GF of the bride's brother. Top table is for the bridal party.
They barely know you.

YABVU (and make a fuss about this now and it will set the tone for your relationship with your partner's family forever (assuming that it is going to last decades?)/

FellOutOfBedTwice · 22/02/2016 13:00

I've been in that position and actually once the wine was flowing and everything it was fine- better than fine, fun- so I think YWBU not to go. However as someone who's had a wedding and done a table plan, I would never have split couples up. I do think it's uncool.

patienceisvirtuous · 22/02/2016 13:02

Tigger and Procrastinator, no need to belittle OP and be so spiteful. She is not just a fuck buddy or a +1. She is the bride's brother's girlfriend - no more, no less!

OP as most people have said, this isn't an unusual situation. Suck it up (maturely) and enjoy the day.

coconutpie · 22/02/2016 13:04

YABU. You are the bride's brother's girlfriend. He is her family, it is normal for him to be sat at the top table. You need to just get over it.

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