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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding seating - awkward situation

238 replies

carefreeeee · 22/02/2016 11:06

My partner's sister is getting married in 2 weeks. My partner and I have been together for about a year and I have met the sister and her partner about 4 times, and got on well. I know the parents as well and they come to tea at our house and we go to theirs etc, no problems.

I have just found out that at the wedding breakfast, my partner will be seated at the top table along with the bride, groom, their parents, 2 bridesmaids and 2 best men. However apparently there is no space for me and I will be seated with some friends of the bride whom I have never met.

I think this is a bit off because a) it makes it clear that they don't consider me a member of their family and b) I don't think it is very nice to sit a guest away from everyone they know.

Obviously it is up to them how they arrange things, but as far as I was aware if you are invited to a wedding as a couple you would normally be seated togther, and I don't think it's that traditional to have the bride's brother at the top table anyway so I don't really see the need for this...he doesn't have any other role in the wedding/isn't doing a speech or anything.

I don't want to make a fuss and tell them how to do their seating plan etc. But at the same time I don't really want to go under those circumstances - I think it would be awkward and embarrassing, and the only reason I would go is to be with my partner - I don't know the sister all that well.

The wedding is being held close to where we live so it would be easy enough for me not to go...

WIBU to cancel last minute due to a family emergency/ or would it be better to cancel now and explain why...although I don't want to fall out with anyone as they are basically nice people? Help!

OP posts:

Mia1415 · 22/02/2016 12:22

YABVVVU! Its completely normal

GubbinsSocks · 22/02/2016 12:22

IME, the 'friends' and 'miscellaneous people' tables are always the most fun at weddings. Enjoy yourself.

MeadowHay · 22/02/2016 12:23

YABU. DH's brother is getting married this year, DH is best man and will probably be sitting at top tablet, their set-up is a little non-traditional as it will just be the couple, best man, and bridesmaids. DH's brother was also best man at our wedding a couple of years ago but we did not have a top table, we just sat together at the front (I think they call it a sweetheart table?). I don't know who I will be sitting with at their wedding, and it does make me anxious because I have a moderate anxiety disorder so DH is going to enquire to see if I can be sat next to some of his family so that it's someone that I know, but this is different because I know his family much more than you know your partner's family by the sounds of things! And again further complicated by my anxiety disorder. BUT even if if I absolutely have to placed on a table with people I've never met, I will pop a diazepam to enable me to go if that's what it takes, because this is a family wedding to me and therefore very important. I see BIL as a part of my family but it doesn't seem that you feel that way about your partner's sister and family anyway considering you say the only reason you are going is to be with your partner!

MrsJayy · 22/02/2016 12:23

My sister's boyfriend made a hooha about a wedding meal last year sister was a bridesmaid he didn't go till night he cancelled the day before after the bride squeezed him in the was a twat about it dpnt be a twat op

GabiSolis · 22/02/2016 12:24

I really don't understand this tbh. Why would you be considered as family after such a short time? The bride obviously wants her DB to be part of the wedding party and that's lovely - that doesn't mean she has to have someone she's only met a handful of times at the top table as well. It also doesn't mean she has to put her DB elsewhere to placate his girlfriend. OP, you must realise how silly that is?

Want an example of how daft you're being? Your response to this seating plan is not to suck it up for people who you admit yourself are nice, rather you can't decide between chucking your toys out of the pram now and refusing to go, or having a last minute faux emergency and doing them out of the money your place at the wedding cost.

LovelyFriend · 22/02/2016 12:24

You've been dating a year - you are not a member of the family. This isn't a slight or insult against you - simply a fact.

I have no idea about top table protocol but I'm pretty sure that brothers girlfriends aren't going to be a top table priority at anyone's wedding.

You will have fun with the brides friends and it is lovely you have been chosen to sit with them.

Pull up your big girls pants and go to the wedding, without causing any fuss at all. I'm sure you will have a good time.

LastInTheQueue · 22/02/2016 12:25

IABVU
You've only met a handful of times, you're not family and it's only for a couple of hours. Put on your big girl pants and enjoy the wedding breakfast - I'm sure the people on your table will do their best to welcome you. Oh, and DO NOT, under any circumstances cancel or bitch to anyone at the wedding about sitting separately.

LovelyFriend · 22/02/2016 12:27

don't be a twat OP

agree with this ^
Absolutely do not cancel last minute. If you ultimately WANT to be considered a member of this family then start showing that you would be a positive member of the family NOW. That would not involve cancelling last minute.

Steben · 22/02/2016 12:30

It is a sorry state of affairs if you can't be away from your partner for the duration of a meal and make conversation with some new people. I have been in several situations like this and it has not been a problem (DH being best man) it's one meal.

Yabu.

RhiWrites · 22/02/2016 12:30

Well I may be a lone voice in the wilderness but I always think this is a jerk move and a power play.

But people go insane over weddings and you can see that most of the commenters here think it's normal so I'm afraid you'll have to suck it up.

You can remember it for later though if you get married and decide if you want to do the same to SIL or be the bigger person.

JessieMcJessie · 22/02/2016 12:32

I'm struggling to understand why you think that cancelling with 2 weeks to go, possibly for reason of an invented "family emergency" is a proportionate reaction to this situation.

I think it's in very bad taste to invent family emergencies and only someone who had never had a real one would contemplate doing this.

Are you planning to lie to your DP about this family emergency? Either you tell him the truth and ask him to endorse your lie, which is bound to bring you down in his estimation, or you lie to him too and make him worried about you on what should be a happy day (as well as storing up a whole can of worms for your future).

As so many other posters have said, you can be glued to your DP's side for every other moment of the wedding day so why let your attitude to the whole event be soured by the seating plan for the meal?

If you like his parents as much as you say you do, why are you not at all interested in attending to share in a happy family day, rather than just "to be with DP"?

If you do become part of this family, don't you think it will be nice that you will be able to share in the memories of SIL's wedding day?

What on earth is so bad about sharing a meal with some women you don't know very well? Do you suffer from social anxiety in some form?

Have you thought about how disastrous it would be for your reputation within the family if your "family emergency" lie ever got out? Or, to be honest, if they found out how princessy you are being about the seating plan.

I get the sense you are somewhat insecure with your DP and are overreacting and have not really thought this through at all.

ZiggyFartdust · 22/02/2016 12:32

Well I may be a lone voice in the wilderness but I always think this is a jerk move and a power play

What does "power play" even mean? Sounds like paranoid rambling.

Dixiechickonhols · 22/02/2016 12:33

If bride is nice then I'm sure her friends will be nice for an hour of chit chat. If they have known bride all her life then they will know your dp so you will get some insights into his childhood.

Agree think of some ideas if chit chat is not your thing. Complimenting venue, dress, cuteness of little bridesmaids, how do you know bride will fill the time. Isn't the food lovely/weather.

For the rest of the wedding other than the meal you can be together.

I wouldn't see it as a slight at all.

bessiebumptious2 · 22/02/2016 12:33

I think if you want to ever be considered as 'part of the family' then you do need to accept that right now, you're not that person. You may well become so if you display behaviour that is mature and confident and be pleasant with the people you are sitting with.

If your boyfriend sees that you're getting along with people and, equally, happily doing so then that will go a VERY long way in cementing your own relationship. Don't underestimate people's expectations of you on this day.

lorelei9 · 22/02/2016 12:35

YABU

If you don't want to go because you dint know her, I get that, but it sounds like you don't want to go due to seating. Bizarre.

LovelyFriend · 22/02/2016 12:35

As so many other posters have said, you can be glued to your DP's side for every other moment of the wedding day so why let your attitude to the whole event be soured by the seating plan for the meal?

The VIZ solution to the OP's dilemma would be to carry some superglue in her purse and during the service, glue herself actually to him. Then they will HAVE to rearrange the seating.

OTheHugeManatee · 22/02/2016 12:37

I don't think this is weird. We didn't have a 'top table' as my parents are acrimoniously divorced, so we had our parents 'hosting' different tables and sat with the bridesmaids and ushers. Several of these people have partners, whether married or not, but we didn't include them on our table and no-one thought that was odd or a 'power play'

The bride and groom have clearly just decided that blood relations on 'their' table is the way to go for the wedding breakfast. That's not strange. It's not all about you. Just get pissed and have fun meeting new people on the table where you're seated!

NotCitrus · 22/02/2016 12:37

Only possiblility is he asks his sister if it would be OK for him not to be at the top table, and if she says she really wants him there, goes along with it - but could be she just thought he'd like to be with the rest of his family and didn't want it to look like he was being snubbed, if he isn't the best man.

Otherwise just go along with it and find out all the gossip from her friends.

JessieMcJessie · 22/02/2016 12:38

LovelyFriend.

I'm having a vague flashback to a sketch show which had a repeated skit with a woman who would not let her boyfriend dump her: in every sketch she was clinging to his ankles as he went about his day - Smack the Pony maybe?

Thurlow · 22/02/2016 12:39

YABVU.

It's perfectly normal that the top table only has a limited number of seats on it, and goes to the parents and possibly a sibling. I've been bridesmaid at weddings where we've not been on the top table.

Top tables are not big. They can't fit everyone on them.

Tbh, it doesn't sound like a slight, it sounds like nearly every wedding I've ever been to.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 22/02/2016 12:40

OP this sounds very normal. I'm at at wedding in April where I'll be at a table with others I've never met while my parter is on the top table. His is best man though.

I haven't given it a second thought. You'll be fine!

squiggleirl · 22/02/2016 12:40

Oh dear. How very precious of you....

I think this is a bit off because a) it makes it clear that they don't consider me a member of their family
That would be because you're not a member of their family. You are her brother's girlfriend, who she's met 4 times. Think about it, she's met her hairdresser more times this year, than she has you. Is the hairdresser at the top table? I doubt it.

and b) I don't think it is very nice to sit a guest away from everyone they know.
You won't know most people at the wedding. And here's the thing, weddings are for family and friends. In this situation, you are a 'plus one', and you just slip into that role for one day. Family have various roles on a wedding day, and your DP has a role as the bride's brother. If you really want to be considered 'family', slip into your role of discreetly staying out of things whilst their family celebrate one of them getting married.

but as far as I was aware if you are invited to a wedding as a couple you would normally be seated togther,
Nope. I was at a wedding this weekend. Our table also included the husband of one bridesmaid, and the partner (of almost 5 years of the other bridesmaid. We had a blast.

I don't think it's that traditional to have the bride's brother at the top table anyway so I don't really see the need for this
Tradition or not, this is her wedding. He is her brother, he is important to her, and she wants him at the top table, that is need enough.

But at the same time I don't really want to go under those circumstances
What circumstances? The one where there is an imagined slight? This is more than a little dramatic.

I don't know the sister all that well.
So why do you think she should consider you 'family'?

WIBU to cancel last minute due to a family emergency/ or would it be better to cancel now and explain why
Neither would be considered the actions of a reasonable rationale woman, so both are unreasonable approaches.....

PennyDropt · 22/02/2016 12:41

Just go - and next time you see the bride you can rave about what a lovely time you had chatting to her friends.

Build bridges FGS, don't make splits.

twofingerstoGideon · 22/02/2016 12:41

YABU

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 22/02/2016 12:42

It is unusual to have a sibling at the top table if they are not fulfilling an official function.

However, while I think one of two of your comments about "not feeling like family" are way OTT (would be different if you'd been living together for a year) I do understand that not everyone is great at small talk or being chucked in with a group of people you've never met before for probably three hours or so.

I'm hopeless with new people but do try my best. I can remember one wedding where I was chucked on a table where I knew no one else. They all knew each other and while I certainly did what I could, because they all knew each other and saw each other a lot, they pretty much chatted amongst themselves about things they all knew or did together, so I did feel rather excluded.

If I was your partner, however, I'd be asking his sister to put me on your table, not the top table.

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