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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding seating - awkward situation

238 replies

carefreeeee · 22/02/2016 11:06

My partner's sister is getting married in 2 weeks. My partner and I have been together for about a year and I have met the sister and her partner about 4 times, and got on well. I know the parents as well and they come to tea at our house and we go to theirs etc, no problems.

I have just found out that at the wedding breakfast, my partner will be seated at the top table along with the bride, groom, their parents, 2 bridesmaids and 2 best men. However apparently there is no space for me and I will be seated with some friends of the bride whom I have never met.

I think this is a bit off because a) it makes it clear that they don't consider me a member of their family and b) I don't think it is very nice to sit a guest away from everyone they know.

Obviously it is up to them how they arrange things, but as far as I was aware if you are invited to a wedding as a couple you would normally be seated togther, and I don't think it's that traditional to have the bride's brother at the top table anyway so I don't really see the need for this...he doesn't have any other role in the wedding/isn't doing a speech or anything.

I don't want to make a fuss and tell them how to do their seating plan etc. But at the same time I don't really want to go under those circumstances - I think it would be awkward and embarrassing, and the only reason I would go is to be with my partner - I don't know the sister all that well.

The wedding is being held close to where we live so it would be easy enough for me not to go...

WIBU to cancel last minute due to a family emergency/ or would it be better to cancel now and explain why...although I don't want to fall out with anyone as they are basically nice people? Help!

OP posts:
Radiatorvalves · 22/02/2016 13:05

I was invited to my then boyfriend's brother's wedding after we'd been seeing each other about a year. Boyfriend couldn't go - he was in the Navy and was away. I went alone and had a ball.

I've been alone at several weddings for the same reason...never been a problem.

BaskingTrout · 22/02/2016 13:06

for those people saying that its odd to have the brother on top table if he isn't in the wedding party, there is no way I wouldn't have had my brother sitting with me. As it was, he gave me away and did the "father of the bride" speech, but even if my dad was still alive and had given me away, DB would definitely still have been on top table. I guess it just depends on the relationship betwee the bride and her brother.

Eggsandketchup · 22/02/2016 13:06

I sympathise with you OP.

BIL is getting married this summer and the maid of honour is my dp's ex fiancee. Dp is best man. He is being seated at the top table with HER and I'm sat with some other people I don't really know. I'm dreading it. His ex tried to split us up (malicious emails and stories to dp's family, emptying bank accounts, destroyed our property) in the past.

Fucking weddings.

Normandy144 · 22/02/2016 13:06

Please go to the wedding and support your partner on his sister's big day. The meal is only a short portion of the day and as an adult you can surely employ your small talking skills to get through it? I'd be hugely disappointed if my partner bailed out of an important family occasion because of something as trivial as a seating arrangement. Being able to socialise with new people you meet is a skill that requires practice, so maybe have some conversation starters up your sleeve to give you confidence.

In the nicest possible way, YABU. The day isn't about you, and cancelling at the last minute (especially if you are going to involve DP in the lie) is really poor form. Equally withdrawing your RSVP now and stating the true reason why will make you look like a diva.

What does your DP think? Have you explained to him your fears/concerns? Perhaps he's not bothered by the top table status and if so he could say to his sister that he'd rather sit with you, but if he is chuffed to bits to be sitting in the top table, supporting his sister then let him enjoy that with out deflating the moment for him.

SevenOfNineTrue · 22/02/2016 13:06

It does not matter what the etiquette of top tables is. It is her wedding and she can seat people where she likes.

YABVU

roundtable · 22/02/2016 13:06

Yabvu - I have been in the top table as matron of honour, while my Dh was on a table with people he had never met before. He didn't complain, in fact he had a blast.

If you complain about this you will look very silly. Think of some questions to ask the friends to get some conversation going.

Are you going to the hen party? I bet you'll meet them then and then it won't feel new as you'll have a common ground to talk about.

TamaraLamara · 22/02/2016 13:07

I agree, Patience - the 'fuck buddy' thing was absolutely unnecessary

DownstairsMixUp · 22/02/2016 13:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

patienceisvirtuous · 22/02/2016 13:10

Fell, I also think it's uncool and quite selfish to split couples up.

I am having a tiny (10 peeps) reg office wedding then a meal in a restaurant - and even then there are people finding things to be awkward about MIL so you can never please anyone anyway - but splitting couples is a bit of a shitty move and unnecessary I think.

puzzledleopard · 22/02/2016 13:13

I think this is quite normal partners do not sit with their other halves who are on the top table they are usually seated elsewhere.
Unless you are the bride & groom obviously, Mother and father of the bride, but even then if one has re-married the newest partner may be seated elsewhere)

I don't think it's that traditional to have the bride's brother at the top table anyway Doesnt matter about tradition she wants him there it's her wedding, he's her brother.

I think this is a bit off because a) it makes it clear that they don't consider me a member of their family

Yet you would be willing to fake an emergency when they still have to pay for your place not really something you would do to family so perhaps you are not considering them as family to you either?
If you decide not to turn up you can't meet extended family or get to know anyone.

and b) I don't think it is very nice to sit a guest away from everyone they know. You will have to get used to this as on a few occasions regardless of how long you have been together this will probably happen especially if he is ever a best man and has an extremely busy day, being in the official photo shoots and he will be at the top table again and you will most likely be seated elsewhere.

RhodaBull · 22/02/2016 13:13

At my niece's wedding she had a top table. The groom had three best men and they each brought a +1. None of these women had ever met the bride before and two were not even girlfriends.

So bizarrely my niece was seated with people she had never met and never saw again. I was looking at the photographs afterwards and there, in pride of place, were a load of strangers.

flowery · 22/02/2016 13:18

I understand why you're fed up- I would be too. I hate having to make small talk with strangers.

But I'm astonished you actually think cancelling (either in advance or by faking an emergency) is a proportionate reaction!

No one has done anything wrong. It's just not what you'd choose. But someone else's wedding not being exactly as you'd choose it to be doesn't mean you refuse to attend in a strop. It means you just have a moan to yourself then suck it up for a couple of hours.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 22/02/2016 13:21

If I was getting married in 2 weeks and some whinyarse who I'd only met 4 times started bitching about not "seeing the need" for my brother to be seated at the top table and how "it's a bit off" that they're not up there too, they'd find themselves uninvited.

I wouldn't even mention this to your boyfriend if I were you.

DSClarke · 22/02/2016 13:22

Lordy, do we have a guestzilla?

If you want to keep your boyfriend put a smile on your face, realise that this day is not about you, and go enjoy yourself. Oh, and don't make a scene.

Are you very young? That's the only reason I can figure out that would make you think that your demands were reasonable.

MackerelOfFact · 22/02/2016 13:23

This is entirely normal, isn't it? I've certainly been seated away from my DP when he was in the wedding party, and have sat with partners of the groomsmen/bridesmaids on other occasions where I've attended weddings alone. Unless you deliberately decide to sulk through the whole thing, you won't be sitting there in isolated silence for the entire meal. There will doubtless be plenty of people seated with people they don't know!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 22/02/2016 13:23

This happened to me when my DP was best man. I find it unspeakably rude to do that to a couple.

clam · 22/02/2016 13:24

Other 'other halves' won't be on the top table either, surely. The best man's partner, the bridesmaids (if they're adults)? Why are you any different?

lifesalongsong · 22/02/2016 13:25

Are you young OP? I can't understand why an adult would be making such a fuss about having to sit with people they haven't met yet.

I can just about understand it if you are say teenaged and the friends are much older but otherwise precious much imo

clam · 22/02/2016 13:26

goodnightdarthvader1 "Unspeakably rude?" Had you never been to a wedding before that one then, in order to know the general setup/etiquette of the top table? Nowadays of course, people are breaking with traditions and things can be more flexible, but it's still very much more 'the norm' and not, therefore, "unspeakably rude."

WeAllHaveWings · 22/02/2016 13:26

I would be very wary of it sounding like you are throwing your toys out the pram and are the clingy girlfriend because you cant sit beside your dh at the meal for a couple of hours.

You've only met your dp's sister 4 times, and you've only been with your dp for a year so not really an established part of their family yet, therefore you not being at the top table isn't inappropriate.

If the only reason you would go to the wedding is to be with your partner, and not to celebrate his sisters wedding and get to know his family better, then go ahead and don't go but be ready for the consequences of that. I wouldn't be particularly happy if my partner of a year lied to my family at the last minute for this frankly immature reason.

YABVU and maybe should change your user name from carefreeee to makesafussovernothing

UmbongoUnchained · 22/02/2016 13:27

At the end of the day it's HER wedding so she can have it how she likes. It's really not the end of the world. I certainly wouldn't consider my brothers partner to be family after just a year. Just knock back a few glasses of wine, make friends with the people you're sat with and have a good time.

Scholes34 · 22/02/2016 13:30

YABU - it's only for the meal, I'm guessing two hours tops, unless it's like a wedding I went to in the States, which was a dinner dance with a live band between courses. Weddings are full of people who don't know each other. Best bit about a wedding is getting to know people you've not met before. Don't be so insular about what has the makings of a great day.

AGrinWithoutACat · 22/02/2016 13:30

I suffer from social anxiety and, although this is contrary to the majority of pp, I wouldn't go. I would however be upfront to partner and let him tell his family.

Weddings we have attended together and sat together (even only a few months into our relationship) and most evening only invites I have ducked (DCs are handy excuses)

I avoided the issue at our wedding by not having a top table, everyone in groups of 8 and the bridal party evenly scattered and sitting with their immediate family

NerrSnerr · 22/02/2016 13:31

Everyone else has said it all. It's not awkward or embarrassing, it's a normal wedding situation. You'd be a dick to cancel just because of this.

mouldycheesefan · 22/02/2016 13:37

No doubt the bride has sat you with her friends as you may be similar age etc and she thinks you will get on. She hasn't sat you with random distant relatives. You can't expect your boyfriend to decline his place at the top table to sit with you and nor can you expect to be sat at the top table.
It would be very rude not to attend. Go and have a great time. People tend to wander round between the tables anyway