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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding seating - awkward situation

238 replies

carefreeeee · 22/02/2016 11:06

My partner's sister is getting married in 2 weeks. My partner and I have been together for about a year and I have met the sister and her partner about 4 times, and got on well. I know the parents as well and they come to tea at our house and we go to theirs etc, no problems.

I have just found out that at the wedding breakfast, my partner will be seated at the top table along with the bride, groom, their parents, 2 bridesmaids and 2 best men. However apparently there is no space for me and I will be seated with some friends of the bride whom I have never met.

I think this is a bit off because a) it makes it clear that they don't consider me a member of their family and b) I don't think it is very nice to sit a guest away from everyone they know.

Obviously it is up to them how they arrange things, but as far as I was aware if you are invited to a wedding as a couple you would normally be seated togther, and I don't think it's that traditional to have the bride's brother at the top table anyway so I don't really see the need for this...he doesn't have any other role in the wedding/isn't doing a speech or anything.

I don't want to make a fuss and tell them how to do their seating plan etc. But at the same time I don't really want to go under those circumstances - I think it would be awkward and embarrassing, and the only reason I would go is to be with my partner - I don't know the sister all that well.

The wedding is being held close to where we live so it would be easy enough for me not to go...

WIBU to cancel last minute due to a family emergency/ or would it be better to cancel now and explain why...although I don't want to fall out with anyone as they are basically nice people? Help!

OP posts:
positivity123 · 22/02/2016 12:02

YABU. This is totally normal and it would be very very rude if you cancelled. It will just be for a couple of hours so make small talk with people in your table. If you are nervous ask the sister to sit you next to somebody chatty. I agree to prepare a bit of small talk. Ask people questions. Good luck

witsender · 22/02/2016 12:02

It sounds quite normal tbh, and you're not family yet. It is only for the meal so I wouldn't give it much thought.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/02/2016 12:03

Yabu.

That is a perfectly normal way to seat people.

MrsJayy · 22/02/2016 12:03

A pp poster mentioned she put you with her friends I. Agree she has thought about you she has put you with people she trusts I have been with great aunties lots of slurping and moaning beef was to pink think yourself lucky Grin

caitlinohara · 22/02/2016 12:04

YABU I'm afraid. I think it's a bit strange that he is on the top table if he is not the best man, but that's up to them. It would be extremely rude to cancel based on a seating plan! You might meet some nice people and you have a good opportunity to get to know his family and their friends. This is the sort of effort you need to make if you want the relationship to go somewhere.

TerrorAustralis · 22/02/2016 12:04

YABU

Whatever you do, do not cancel.

Go, have some small talk mentally prepared, plaster on a friendly smile and get to know them.

Even if your DP was seated with you, he would spend a lot of time off talking to other relatives, friends and various others who you don't know. You wouldn't expect him to be by your side the whole time, would you?

When DH was best man for his old school friend I was seated not with all the other school friends (who I knew), but with family friends of the bride. I'd never met them before and honestly couldn't work out the rationale for putting me there. Tables were varying sizes, so it's not like they couldn't have accommodated me with the group I knew. Anyway, in the end this family were absolutely lovely and were so friendly and accommodating to me. So I actually had a good time with them.

MrsJayy · 22/02/2016 12:05

Yeah top table is very busy but it's what the bride wants

MsMims · 22/02/2016 12:06

YABU.

After only being with your partner for a year I wouldn't consider you family either. For God's sake don't say that to them as you will sound ridiculous.

FWIW I've been seated with people I'd never met before and if you really can't find a common subject to chat about, the default is to talk about the bride and groom, the wedding itself etc. It wasn't awkward at all and I can be shy in meeting new people too.

Straycatblue · 22/02/2016 12:06

YABU

Why would it be awkward and embarrassing?

You are going to be "apart" from your boyfriend for approximately 2 hours. Honestly if you can't manage to do that then there is something wrong.

Why on earth would the bride consider you family? you have been dating her brother for less than a year and have only met her a few times. This wedding is not about you.

If you do not go, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face, honestly, your train of thought is very childish. By not going you will change the way your boyfriend thinks of you and the way his family think of you and not in a good way.

Instead of being a glass half empty person, why not take the opportunity to get to know the brides friends and have a laugh and create a better impression of yourself than someone who throws their toys out the pram because they cannot manage to be apart from their boyfriend for a few hours.

notquitehuman · 22/02/2016 12:07

Unless you have severe social anxiety, you're going to have to suck it up and sit with the bride's friends. Sorry, but cancelling at the last minute would be beyond rude, as would demanding that your DP give up his place at the top table to sit with you. The couple obviously want him there for whatever reason.

Bride's friends may well be nice. Everyone will be pissed and wandering out of their seats by dessert time anyway. Is it worth starting off on a bad foot with possible future in laws over one meal?

whatdoIget · 22/02/2016 12:08

I wouldn't put someone who I didn't like on a table with all my friends. It's a compliment that she thinks highly enough of you to seat sit you with them imo.

citychick · 22/02/2016 12:10

Pansonfire - did you ever take revenge on SIL?

(just wondering)....Grin

HanYOLO · 22/02/2016 12:10

YANBU

YABU to want to sit at top table, or to think about not showing up, or take it as some kind of slight, or a sign of your not being welcome in the family. That's all ridiculous.

YANBU to not want to sit on your own with the whole archaic top table shit going on. Will you know anyone else? Or can you get introduced the day before if they are doing all that day before stuff that goes with archaic top table shit etc? IMO your DP should say he thinks it more appropriate to sit with you. His problem. Not yours, not the wedding organisers.

kaymondo · 22/02/2016 12:10

YABU - partners don't sit up on top table, and I wouldn't be having a partner of only a year in the family photos either (just to forewarn you if this comes up on the day)!

Our best man, chief bridesmaid and SIL all sat on our top table with their partners sat elsewhere - we tried our best to put them with people they would get on with and no one complained. SIL and her partner split up a couple of months after the wedding so I'm glad he wasn't on all the family pics and up on top table.

You need to go - and with a positive attitude as the day will be what you make it. Don't make a fuss or ask for the seating arrangements to be changed, you'll look ridiculous.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 22/02/2016 12:10

I didn't have a traditional top table for this reason - I wanted people to be able to sit with their partners and feel comfortable. Our table was us, my uncle (he gave me away) and partner, two bridesmaids and husband, best man and wife. My Mum was on the next table along with other members of the family who she doesn't get to see very often.

Tiggeryoubastard · 22/02/2016 12:11

You've been with your boyfriend less than a year. You've met her four times. You're not part of her family. And if you make any sort of deal over this non event you never will be. This is her and her partners wedding, it's not about you. All you are really is her brothers +1 after four meetings.

FoolsAndJesters · 22/02/2016 12:16

It wouldn't bother me and I don't thinks it's rude. However, if I was doing the seating plan I might have double checked with your DP if it was OK. You've only been with your partner a year so I think what they have done is ok.
If they didn't mean to offend you then I wouldn't get offended by it. Iyswim

BearFeet · 22/02/2016 12:16

It wouldn't enter my head to be bothered about this. You're a grown woman. Surely you're able to sit with strangers for a couple of hours and survive.

TheMrsD · 22/02/2016 12:17

Just have a few drinks before you go then you'll have a great time.

weaselish · 22/02/2016 12:17

YABU, just make the most of it and chat to whoever is on your table, it's not a big deal. At our wedding, my brother was on the top table as my father had passed away. His girlfriend was on a nice table of people who I know would include her. Same as my bridesmaids' partners, and the best man's girlfriend. It's not a big deal, it's only a meal! Making small talk and meeting new people is just part of life in general...

Goingtobeawesome · 22/02/2016 12:18

After a year it isn't a slight that you aren't thought of as family but tbh you not being put on the top table doesn't mean they don't see you as family. You're not married or engaged and if you ever want to be to him, don't make a fuss.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 22/02/2016 12:18

Agree with everyone else, totally normal and you are the one being unreasonable here, cancelling would be a very bad move and likely to alienate you longer term. Just sit with the other guests and get to know them.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/02/2016 12:18

I remember my brother's gf having a similar level of outrage over my sister's wedding many years ago. She threatened to not come to the wedding at all if she couldn't sit with my brother, so he was taken off top table and sat with her at the "relatives" table instead.

However, we thought extremely poorly of her behaviour and it did nothing to make us feel any more kindly towards her (there were other instances of bad behaviour on her part, not just this one).

Champagneformyrealfriends · 22/02/2016 12:18

YABU. Please don't be the person who tries to make somebody else's wedding about you. Suck it up and sit where you've been put-it's only 2 hours or so.

Inertia · 22/02/2016 12:22

You're not a member of the family- the bride has only met you 4 times. It's certainly not your place to demand that you sit at the top table or else you won't go- do you have anxiety issues which would make it impossible for you to talk to people you don't know for the duration of a meal? If that's the case, then your partner should ask his sister if he could sit with you rather than at the top table- it isn't necessarily traditional for the brother to sit at the top table, but maybe they want all of the family together?

FWIW, my much-loved stepmother of over 20 years wasn't at the top table at my wedding- we'd made the decision to have parents / best man/ bridesmaid only due to family politics on my husband's side, which my stepmother was incredibly understanding about because she just wanted our day to go smoothly and happily.

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