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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding seating - awkward situation

238 replies

carefreeeee · 22/02/2016 11:06

My partner's sister is getting married in 2 weeks. My partner and I have been together for about a year and I have met the sister and her partner about 4 times, and got on well. I know the parents as well and they come to tea at our house and we go to theirs etc, no problems.

I have just found out that at the wedding breakfast, my partner will be seated at the top table along with the bride, groom, their parents, 2 bridesmaids and 2 best men. However apparently there is no space for me and I will be seated with some friends of the bride whom I have never met.

I think this is a bit off because a) it makes it clear that they don't consider me a member of their family and b) I don't think it is very nice to sit a guest away from everyone they know.

Obviously it is up to them how they arrange things, but as far as I was aware if you are invited to a wedding as a couple you would normally be seated togther, and I don't think it's that traditional to have the bride's brother at the top table anyway so I don't really see the need for this...he doesn't have any other role in the wedding/isn't doing a speech or anything.

I don't want to make a fuss and tell them how to do their seating plan etc. But at the same time I don't really want to go under those circumstances - I think it would be awkward and embarrassing, and the only reason I would go is to be with my partner - I don't know the sister all that well.

The wedding is being held close to where we live so it would be easy enough for me not to go...

WIBU to cancel last minute due to a family emergency/ or would it be better to cancel now and explain why...although I don't want to fall out with anyone as they are basically nice people? Help!

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 22/02/2016 11:44

Its just a couple of hours.

I have had to do this quite a few times. I didn't exactly look forward to it but you know I found most people were very kind to someone sitting without the rest of their group/partner.

Maybe you will get to meet brides friends before the wedding anyway? Perhaps you partner could engineer a meeting to put your mind at rest?

Come on, find an outfit that makes you feel lovely, strap on a pair if fab shones and smile.

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/02/2016 11:44

Top table is bride, groom, mob, fob, mog, fog, moh or chief bridesmaid and the best man, it's not even 'correct form' to have all the maids. If your partner is not the best man and isn't giving his sister away in place of a missing father then I don't get why on earth he would be a top table guest, the table will be ridiculously long!! However if you were the best man's girlfriend you would have to just make conversation and smile sweetly whilst sat separately so just treat it as that kind of situation. I have worn that hat many times, It's the couples day and etiquette dictates you sit where you are put and lump it. It's only for a couple of hours. I wouldn't see it as a slight on you or your relationship, they may have had a tricky seating situation to solve and by placing you thus have solved it. It can be hard to divvy up guests into 8/10/12 portion groups. They may have thought that as you were family you wouldn't mind be easy going and helping out by filling odd gaps.

MadisonMontgomery · 22/02/2016 11:44

Think you have to suck it up I'm afraid. At my friends wedding the best mans was on the top table & his partner was sat with us (brides friends) - when they were doing the seating plans the bride asked us to look after her as she was on her own, and we made sure (I hope!) that she had a good time. After the meal & speeches everyone moved around a bit, bridesmaids came to sit with us and her DP came and took her up to the top table. So it wasn't like she was stuck with us all night, and the bride had put her with us deliberately. It will be much better than you think, and if you're planning to stick with your DP you need to make the best of it. Do NOT cancel just before!

SauvignonBlanche · 22/02/2016 11:44

YABU
I don't want to fall out with anyone as they are basically nice people

You haven't been snubbed, it's only for the meal, you don't do a last minute cancel on 'nice people'.

wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna · 22/02/2016 11:49

Don't think I would cancel at all!

A year before our wedding I would already have known who was coming and budgeted accordingly. Likelyhood is that they had already done their budgeting before you even met your DP and they're already 'squeezing you in' as it is. Plus, it's only for the meal.

I would say just suck it up and smile through it, it's only a couple of hours sitting apart

Rachel0Greep · 22/02/2016 11:50

Don't cancel. That would be unreasonable. In your shoes, I wouldn't expect to be at the top table. And if the bride wants her brother at the top table, that's her prerogative.
It's only for the duration of the meal, do your best to chat with the people at your table, who I am sure will be perfectly nice.

BarbarianMum · 22/02/2016 11:50

YANBU to feel daunted by the prospect. I'd have (and, in fact, have) felt the same. But it'll be OK.

MrsJayy · 22/02/2016 11:50

You are seeing this is a slight on you with kindness its not about you the bride wants her brother at the table with her a totally normal thing to want IMO I bet a tonne of people have sat at a wedding dinner table with people they don't know if their partners at top table you either suck it up and go sit eat your dinner chat to people or you stay away and cause a bit of a drama

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 22/02/2016 11:51

YAB completely U. Sorry. The bride wants her family at the top table, it's really very normal to sometimes seat couples separately at weddings. She obviously wants you at the wedding, but you're not actually part of her immediate family - your partner is.

She's put you with some of her friends - she likes you, so she assumes you'll get on with her friends. Better them, than some maiden Aunt, or the grandparents or something Grin (no offence to anyone!). You'll get to know them, share some Wine with them. I've been to weddings before where I'm seated with people I've never met before. You'll be fine - and it's only the meal and speeches - not the whole day.

Whatever you do, don't cancel!

PansOnFire · 22/02/2016 11:52

I can understand why you feel upset about it but for the sake of keeping the peace I'd just go along with it. The relationship with your partner's family has the potential to be difficult anyway without this issue, I'd stick a pin in the issue but not forget about it. You also don't know what kind of arrangement you will have for your wedding to her brother if your relationship goes that way, I'd just suck it up for the day.

FWIW something similar happened at my SIL's wedding only it was that she didn't want me in any of the photographs - and I don't just mean the official posed ones, she meant any of them. Her reason was that I'd only been with her brother for a short time (18 months, living together) and if we broke up she didn't want a stranger on her pictures. So there is no evidence of me at her wedding. I just kept it in mind when I married her brother a year later.

This isn't a one off either, she keeps me very separate to her and DH's side of the family. For instance, when it was her DD's birthday she didn't invite DS to her party with friends even though they are similar ages, because he 'isn't a friend'. He was invited to the family celebration and had photographs with the birthday girl only. I sat at the side again with her other SIL whilst she posed for photographs with her brothers and their children. It's like she's expecting us to walk out of their lives or hoping!.

OddBoots · 22/02/2016 11:52

Is there a hen do at which you could get to know those you will be sitting with?

MillionToOneChances · 22/02/2016 11:52

This is completely normal. You would be damaging your relationship with your (hopefully) future in-laws if you made a fuss or pulled out. Grin and bear it, it's only during the meal.

1AngelicFruitCake · 22/02/2016 11:52

Just to add that when my sister got married and our best friends got married, both times I was put in awkward situations. Both times I got on with it because it's just one day/few hours for me but a massively important day to them.

I do find it annoying when people make everthing about them.

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/02/2016 11:53

It does sound like they are being overly inclusive in the top table seating ( probably with the best intentions) dp could suggest he ' doesn't mind' not sitting on the top table. However there may be practicle reasons they have him up there, all the guest tables may be full, the venue may not hold another guest table comfortably or the expense of adding another table ie an extra table centre, extra linen if they are hiring etc might have made doing it this way an easy way out so I wouldn't push the point.

BeStrongAndCourageous · 22/02/2016 11:53

But you're not "a member of the family", you've only been dating him a year, and you've only met her four times!

angelos02 · 22/02/2016 11:54

YABU. It wouldn't bother me at all. It is only a couple of hours and also, a year isn't a very long relationship. Just have a couple of glasses of wine and enjoy the company of the people whose table you are on.

Standingonmytippytoes · 22/02/2016 11:55

My partners dsis is getting married next year my dc's are going to be a flower girl and page boy. Not sure of the seating arrangements yet but I'd have no problem with not sitting at the top table everyone will be watching your everymove.
I would ask dp to sit with me if I felt uncomfortable about it.

lunar1 · 22/02/2016 11:56

Talk to the people at your table. You won't be chained to your seat.

BeStrongAndCourageous · 22/02/2016 11:56

Heh, Pansonfire, same thing happened to me at my SIL's wedding - except I was married to her brother, had been with him for over a decade and had children with him!

That's something worth getting upset over OP!

SoupDragon · 22/02/2016 11:56

How many other partners are on the top table?

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 22/02/2016 11:57

It wouldn't bother me.

You are not the bride's family yet. You are the fairly new girlfriend of her brother. That's all.

Go and sit at the table you've been allocated and don't make a fuss. It's normal to be seated with people you don't know at a wedding. You're a grown woman - you can manage to make small talk for a couple of hours, surely?

ALemonyPea · 22/02/2016 11:57

Completely normal, you're overthinking things. You've only been dating a year, it's nothing against you.

Is your partner part of the wedding party or is he just sitting at the top table because he is the brides brother?

citychick · 22/02/2016 11:59

Oh dear OP, you have been given a roasting!
And I agree with all the PP's.

I fell out with my brother before his wedding. (DBro's and DMs fault) Therefore DH and I were put in the cheap seats. We were married then. (And the baby who was also not invited asked to be removed from downstairs and kept up in the hotel room). We were put on the table next to the kitchen doors. The table no one wants to be on.

With the divorced friends and the weird cousins. Yes, that very one!

What they hadn't bargained on was that I twigged this immediately and called their bluff by having a fabulous time with really great people.

So please don't rock the boat. It's not your day, time will pass, and you may just have a fantastic evening with some really fun people.
People's stress levels get so high around these events that I fear if you pitch in, you may end up worse off than you think you are now.

Good luck!

wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna · 22/02/2016 12:00

Also:

" I think it would be awkward and embarrassing, and the only reason I would go is to be with my partner - I don't know the sister all that well. "

And you want to be sat at her top table and be considered family?! And be in all her wedding photos of the wedding breakfast? I think you're being extremely petty. Cancelling going to a wedding at the last minute is pretty vindictive.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 22/02/2016 12:01

This isn't an awkward situation, you are being awkward. If you can't sit and make conversation with some new people who will be primed to be jolly and sociable (as you should be), then don't you find this an enormous problem in other areas of your life? If so, then you can use this as a relatively low-risk, confidence-boosting occasion to practise getting used to being a normal, sociable adult.