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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think couples should (normally) go to bed at the same time?

201 replies

Levi49er · 22/02/2016 00:18

I know IA(probably)BU but I am currently Angry Bed Monster because DH is "not tired" and I don't like being in bed on my own and can't sleep. I do know that different people need different amounts of sleep, obviously, but we have done exactly the same things today and both have to get up at the same time tomorrow and I just don't like being in bed on my own. DH is downstairs playing computer games and drinking. I came to bed at 11 and he said he'd be half an hour. I went down for a wee (downstairs bathroom only) and he was just opening another beer. This happens quite regularly and always annoys me but DH just doesn't get as tired as I do and doesn't need as much sleep. AIBU? I am right? I'm mad. Surely this annoys other people?

OP posts:
yumyumpoppycat · 22/02/2016 14:04

Thing is Phalenopsisgirl in your first post it sounds a bit like your partner is the one who chooses when you go to bed which is a bit off, your points about providing another side of the argument for the OP are fair enough though.

Dotandethel · 22/02/2016 14:05

People should go to bed when they bloody want. The one who said "the couple who go to bed together stay together" sounds slightly bonkers Confused

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/02/2016 14:08

It's completely fine if that suits both parties, it's not so fine if one person is emotionally fragile and sitting upstairs turning to an online forum because her partner prefers to play games rather than come up and be with her. This thread is or should be about supporting her, offering different points of view without being unkind or judgemental. The thread wasn't titled 'why should I not be allowed to game as late as I want' then responses would be different and encourage a different style of compromise. Obviously I get that this guy may be turning to drink and gaming to deal with his own feelings about the miscarriage but he isn't the one on mn looking for a kind word or two. The world has many shades of grey, I doubt very much the op never wants her dp to be allowed a late night gaming session, she was just having a tough night. The first port of call even if you categorically disagree with someone is to recognise their feelings as valid and of worth, then put over a different point of view. I don't feel the need to argue the dp's case as many people have already aggressively done so, I wanted to try and balance the scales.

HellonHeels · 22/02/2016 14:12

ExDH would never go to bed with me. He'd always stay up for hours, drinking, watching news channels and playing music. It kept me awake and I was always anxious about him crashing about and disturbing the neighbours as well as me. Then he'd stumble up to bed, crash around, switch on lights and expect me to wake up and talk to him. One of the many reasons he is now an ex. The sound of a can being opened is now a horrible trigger for anxiety for me.

My lovely current boyfriend likes going to bed at same time as me and we chat, cuddle up together, kiss and maybe have sex if we fancy it. It feels much more companionable.

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/02/2016 14:14

Yumyum- I probably would have gotten into the habit of going to bed later than him had it not been important to him. However, it's something that he really sees as important. He makes a lot of consessions for me. If me doing that makes him happy then, great, there are far worse demands people can make of a partner. I go to bed, I read nice books, it doesn't kill me, it means a lot to him.

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/02/2016 14:18

Chemenger- I read it somewhere, I really am not trying to force the point so I didn't feel I needed to provide a dossier of hard evidence , people seem to have jumped on it as some evil conspiracy theory. It reall wasn't meant that way.

Hygge · 22/02/2016 14:19

YABU OP, but with good reason on this occasion.

DH used to want me to go to bed when he did, his parents made a big thing of going to bed at the same time, a bit like a previous poster, they think it's what good couples do (although there are issues there, MIL is apparently now not capable of spending any time alone, if FIL goes out he has to organise something for her to do with other people first).

I don't agree that couples need to go to bed at the same time as each other every night, and I don't think you can impose a bedtime on an adult.

That said, if DH had a busy day or early start once in a while, and really didn't want to be disturbed by me going to bed significantly later than he was, I'd go to bed when he did even if I wasn't tired, but it would be the exception rather than the rule.

In your circumstances, it wouldn't have hurt your DH to go to bed when you did.

I'm sorry for your recent losses. I know how hard that first day back can be. Flowers

Hygge · 22/02/2016 14:21

timelytess in light of the OP's other posts, I'm not sure if bringing your thoughts on that issue up is a good idea.

mogloveseggs · 22/02/2016 14:27

Sorry for your loss Flowers
Hidingunderarock has made a good point I think (can't do bold on my phone sorry) you need him close now more because of what youve been through. When my anxiety is playing up I want to be in bed safe and sound with dh there, kids in bed everyone safe and snuggled in. But it doesn't always work like that. Have you talked to your dh about it?

timelytess · 22/02/2016 14:28

Hygge
Ah well. That's the trouble with an open forum - not everyone thinks your way, do they Hygge?

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/02/2016 14:28

Plus I'm sure you could argue that in fact the not sleeping together was a symptom not a cause of a failed relationship, I just read a Scottish study about the number of inches between couples at night ( or if they actually slept touching) being massive barromiter of if the relationship endures, however I'm sure if you are uber loved up you are more likely to snuggle just as if you are formulating an ' exit plan' you are much more likely to want as much space away from the other person as poss. The same goes for coordinated bed times so any study I dig up will be hugely flawed, it works for me though.

Sunshine87 · 22/02/2016 14:33

I prefer having the bed to myself and having a good stretch. DH is a snorer so i like to get asleep before him.

lakeseamountain · 22/02/2016 14:54

Although we turn the lights off downstairs to go up at the same time, I take about an hour to have a shower or bath and do my 'nightly routine'. I take it as 'me time'.

This constantly irritates DH as I almost always wake him up (he is a light sleeper) and then his sleep is completely disturbed and sometimes finds it difficult to get to sleep again. He is gracious about it, but I know it irritates him.

TBH I sleep better alone and so does DH and sometimes we do sleep separately (not because of arguments or anything, just simply because we may have had interrupted sleep the night before or one of us has an early start or one of the DCs want to sleep with one of us).

Do couples actually have to sleep in the same bed every day, day after day?

Fluffypenguincake · 22/02/2016 15:00

DH stays up two or three hours after I go to bed, playing games and drinking. He usually wakes me up crashing into the bedroom and then wants a lie in the next day 'because I had more sleep than him'. I can't get it into his thick skull that it is going to kill our marriage.

Hygge · 22/02/2016 15:01

Well no, they don't timelytess.

I seem to have touched a nerve with you, and I didn't mean to. I was wondering if you'd missed her post about having had a recent miscarriage, because a post bringing up sleeping babies might be hard for her right now. Or it might not, I'm not presuming to know her mind, I just know I'd have found it hard when I was at that stage myself, and she's said she's having issues because of her recent losses.

I thought if you had missed her post, you might want to ask MNHQ to delete yours, but as you're fine with it as it stands I apologise for pointing it out and upsetting you Flowers

ouryve · 22/02/2016 15:02

YABU. I'm an insomniac and DH is often flat out by 10pm. I'd rather give him couple of hours head start before I join him and wake him up by tossing and turning.

spankhurst · 22/02/2016 15:06

YABU, but understandably so.

My marriage would end if we went to bed at the same time every night.

zipzap · 22/02/2016 15:18

OP - obviously things are different at the moment (Flowers hope your first day back wasn't too bad).

But - what would you do if, under normal circumstances, your dp said 'absolutely we should go to bed at the same time. Tonight we'll go when you choose to go to bed and tomorrow we'll go when I choose to go to bed', even if you wanted to go earlier to bed than he did?

Would you still think that you should both go to bed together if, for the sake of being fair it meant that you had to go to bed much later than you wanted to half the time? Not sure why you think that the first person to go to sleep should dictate when the other person should go to sleep?

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 22/02/2016 15:29

DH and I often go to bed at different times. We realised that this was making us lose touch with each other a bit, he is often up and out the door for work before the rest of us are up.

So now we get ready for bed together after we've put the kids to bed, and then either spend the evening together or separately doing our own thing. It works for us - when we stop doing it we really drift as a couple.

Songofsixpence · 22/02/2016 15:34

Sorry for your loss

I get annoyed when DH comes to bed much later than me. I struggle with insomnia and he seems to be incapable of getting into bed quietly. Every time he will turn on lights, crash around, flap the duvet about, jiggle the bed and fidget and without fail wakes me up. If I've been asleep for an hour or so, that's it, I can't get back to sleep for hours.

We either go up together or I go up later if he can't stop being such a selfish dick about it.

He's asleep the minute his head hits the pillow so doesn't get it

Obs2016 · 22/02/2016 15:40

YABU. Dh and I rarely get into bed together. He needs a lot less sleep than I do.

DeoGratias · 22/02/2016 15:46

every night is like Christmas after divorce as I don't have a partner to have to sleep with, endure snoring of and have different bed times from. I can go to bed at 9pm or 10pm or whenever I want. Worth getting divorced just for that.

Pidapie · 22/02/2016 15:50

This annoys me too tbh, and I don't have any reasons for it either, I just like to go to bed at the same time!

Permanentlyexhausted · 22/02/2016 16:17

Been together for 18 years and happily (most of the time) married. It's a rare night when we go to bed at the same time though.

DH goes to bed early-ish as he has to get up pretty early - 5am. I'm a night owl and just not ready for bed at 10pm.

We are the archetypal "opposites attract". We had very different upbringings, and have very different educational qualifications and very different interests. It's no surprise that our bedtime routines are different too.

Goodness knows what some of you will think when I say I go away on holiday without my DH, sometimes for weeks at a time!

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/02/2016 16:28

4/5 nights a week df and i arent even in the same county, let alone same house/bed Wink

varies when home, sometimes df goes to bed earlier and watches what he wants in bed and me downstairs, othersvice versia, and some times we go together

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