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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think couples should (normally) go to bed at the same time?

201 replies

Levi49er · 22/02/2016 00:18

I know IA(probably)BU but I am currently Angry Bed Monster because DH is "not tired" and I don't like being in bed on my own and can't sleep. I do know that different people need different amounts of sleep, obviously, but we have done exactly the same things today and both have to get up at the same time tomorrow and I just don't like being in bed on my own. DH is downstairs playing computer games and drinking. I came to bed at 11 and he said he'd be half an hour. I went down for a wee (downstairs bathroom only) and he was just opening another beer. This happens quite regularly and always annoys me but DH just doesn't get as tired as I do and doesn't need as much sleep. AIBU? I am right? I'm mad. Surely this annoys other people?

OP posts:
Thurlow · 22/02/2016 12:58

Couples who go to bed together stay together

Bit shit if one of you does shift work then, isn't it? Or should the other person wait up until 3am so that you can go to bed together?

Flowers OP, if you are still reading

PoundingTheStreets · 22/02/2016 13:02

DP and I are shift workers, so often go to bed at different times. Grin

I think you're being a bit precious TBH. [tea]

All that said, there's a reason you feel the way you do. I think you're probably projecting your anxiety about a lack of closeness in your relationship into going to bed at different times and it's become a focal point. DP and I make an effort to go to bed together when we can because it helps us feel close/allows for sex. That's obviously what you're looking for too, but there are other ways of facilitating emotional closeness, and bed isn't the only place you can have sex. Have you tried talking to your DH about ways you can improve your relationship - i.e. a positive conversation rather than one in which you instantly feel opposed because you feel left out and he feels got at?

MadameDePompom · 22/02/2016 13:08

Ugh. I'd feel utterly claustrophobic if my partner got annoyed that I didn't go to bed at the same time as him and I'd feel even more claustrophobic if I knew they were lying in bed irritated by my absence.

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/02/2016 13:16

I was quoting it as a saying, one which has some truth in it ime. Not saying it can or does work for everyone it's just one of those old wives sayings although I believe it has been been statistically proven to have some validity. No need to get offended!

ZiggyFartdust · 22/02/2016 13:27

Never heard of such a saying, and I very much doubt it has been statistically proven at all.

clam · 22/02/2016 13:28

I know it's a saying, but one which is complete and utter nonsense. Where are these statistics then? Do you have a link?

NotCitrus · 22/02/2016 13:30

Best wishes OP.

DP is an insomniac night owl who starts work at 11am, so while he is now capable of doing mornings to the extent of a bit of child-wrangling, there's no way we could go to bed at the same time even if we slept in the same room!

We do however usually snuggle up for a bit when I go to bed, have a goodnight kiss, and then he toddles off to do stuff for another couple hours. Been living together 16 years now.

Goingtobeawesome · 22/02/2016 13:30

YANBU and I think some posters are being mean for the sake of it. I'm sorry for your recent losses. It is perfectly normal to feel more vulnerable after a trauma. DH and I mostly go up to bed together and maybe once every few months I will read a bit after his light goes off but we turn our lights out at the same time and go to sleep. He goes off within seconds. I don't. Sometimes I'll kick him if his snoring is just too much and I can't sleep. When he was away I stayed up until tired as I don't sleep as well without him But I did go off. If he is here I don't try and sleep until he comes to bed if it is a rare occurrence that we've not got into bed together. Last night lights were out at 8:30 as we were knackered. We just do what we have always done and it is right for us. Doesn't have to be right for anyone else funnily enough.

mrsmugoo · 22/02/2016 13:31

YABU. We go to bed when we feel like it!

I prefer my peace and quiet in the morning, DH prefers his at night.

chemenger · 22/02/2016 13:33

"Statistically proven" in what way? Someone has done a longitudinal study in which bedtimes of couples were recorded and analysed to establish a correlation between length of marriage and average difference in bedtimes? I really doubt it.

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/02/2016 13:33

www.kidspot.com.au/couples-who-go-to-bed-together-stay-together/#!

One of many articles on the subject. I'm totally against a one size fits all relationship profile, I was simply pointing out some things from my own experience. Points of view from both sides are allowed! The poster was asking if her feelings had any validity and I believe that many people find going to bed together an important part of their day ( most of the time, I'm not talking 365 days a year) so no I believe she isn't being unreasonable in wanting this in her relationship. It's completely fine that lots of people don't feel any need to sleep together at the same time or even in the same bed. Different things work for different people, however she was getting quite a blasting and called various negative names because ultimately she loves her dp and wants a bedtime cuddle. That's not being unreasonable, it might not be everyone's bag but compromising and catering to our partners needs when within reason is part of what makes a relationship.

stinkysnowbear · 22/02/2016 13:36

We do.

But mostly because I'm a sex pest :D

OnlyLovers · 22/02/2016 13:37

Well, YABU a bit but you have mitigating circumstances. Thanks Brew

And while I think it's U to try to dictate when another adult goes to bed, I do know where you're coming from; I find it hard to settle and sleep if DP is out, or still up, don't really sleep until he comes to bed, and then feel under-rested the next day.

JessieMcJessie · 22/02/2016 13:38

Perhaps drinking and gaming by himself at night is how your DH is dealing with the miscarriage and bereavement. Yes he should probably think about how you are feeling but he's only human so unless he keeps on doing this night after night it doesn't seem unreasonable.

Have you tried listening to an audio book? You can set something like audible to turn off automatically after half an hour. You may need something to get you out of the cycle of lying there resenting your DH for not being there.

NewLife4Me · 22/02/2016 13:39

YANBU although me and dh rarely go to sleep at the same time.
he could come up with you and have cuddles etc, then get up again.
My dh does this sometimes and under your circumstances I don't think it's too much to ask for. Thanks
So sorry about your miscarriage, it can't be easy going back to work.

We have bed to sleep and bed for other things. After the other thing, either one of us could get up for a few hours.

ZiggyFartdust · 22/02/2016 13:41

That article is just an opinion piece.
If two halves of a couple are happy to go to bed at the same time, thats nice for them and probably good for them.
But if one half is demanding the other half go to bed when they don't want to, that isn't nice at all and it isn't good for their relationship. Caring couples don't treat each other like that.

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/02/2016 13:42

I'm sure if you want to google it someone will have posted a study. I'm not trying to tyrannically demand everyone opts for this routine just pointing out for some people it matters. If that not you, fine, but don't be so quick to dismiss others feeling and opinions as nonsense either. This is a personal issue and one size doesn't fit all. It doesn't make anyone 'wrong.'

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 22/02/2016 13:43

We both go whenever we feel like it, probably only at the same time about once a week as DH needs less sleep than me. I find it easier to get to sleep on my own. My parents have always had widely differing bedtimes so it's normal to me.

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/02/2016 13:46

Nb, that was a link to the first thing I saw, below it were many many other links with various alterations to the sayings wording. Someone in the thread had never even heard of the saying, it was purely to illustrate a point.

elQuintoConyo · 22/02/2016 13:46

For OP Flowers

DH works from home and picks up lo from school everyday, doing the parenting until bedtime, then works until he is finished. I work 4pm-10pm, getting home at 11. We often don't go to bed at the same time. Sometimes I stay up and read, sometimes I just have fiddle turn off the light and go straight to sleep.

ZiggyFartdust · 22/02/2016 13:46

I don't want to google, thanks, you're the one who thinks there are studies and then posts opinions.

You're missing the point entirely. You say "It's completely fine that lots of people don't feel any need to sleep together at the same time or even in the same bed" but also that people should cater to their partners needs by acceding to demands to go to bed when they don't want to.
So which is it? (hint; its the first one, normal adults don't tell other adults when they have to go to bed)

Puppymouse · 22/02/2016 13:47

I sympathise OP only in reverse. I am a night owl, DH is a morning person so our sleep routine doesn't sync. But I hate being up alone once he's gone to bed. I always go up the same time as him (which often gives me the rage because he goes the exact same frigging time every night) but you know what? He gets up earlier than me, works full time when I don't and he knows how much sleep he needs and gets that amount so he can work and parent our DD. So I just stay up or go to bed but listen to music, read or play on my phone until I'm genuinely tired.

HidingUnderARock · 22/02/2016 13:58

YABU to expect him to adhere to your bedtimes in general, and I agree he would likely only keep you awake. If that is not so and you can sleep through whatever so long as he is there, maybe he can have the game console in the bedroom?
This is a genuine suggestion btw. I know someone who would read for a couple of hours a night next to her DH because he insisted they spent the same hours in bed. Another sat up in bed quietly tapping on her laptop every night for similar reasons. Headphones are an option.

Maybe just for now you need him there when you fall asleep because of your recent problems, and you could put it to him in those terms.
Bear in mind though that he will also be affected emotionally by these things, and playing games to take his mind off it and relax until he is too tired to think/feel anymore may actually be something he needs now more than usual too.

chemenger · 22/02/2016 13:59

The thing is Phalenopsisgirl, that you made a statement that you seemed to believe then said you could back it up with statistics. Its for you to google for those statistics, not for those of us who challenged you. We can't prove a negative, so you have to prove the positive and show us that the statistics exist. That's how statistics based arguments go. Or maybe the "statistically proven" was just a throw away line.

minipie · 22/02/2016 14:00

Actually I think you have a point OP (even without your recent losses Flowers)

I go to bed later than DH quite often. Of course I have every right to do so but on the nights when I do get off my arse and go up with him it's much nicer, we get ready for bed together, have more cuddles etc and I don't feel so tired and grumpy when he inevitably wakes me early in the morning. Long term I don't think it would be good for us to go to bed at different times every night. Other couples may be different of course.