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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think couples should (normally) go to bed at the same time?

201 replies

Levi49er · 22/02/2016 00:18

I know IA(probably)BU but I am currently Angry Bed Monster because DH is "not tired" and I don't like being in bed on my own and can't sleep. I do know that different people need different amounts of sleep, obviously, but we have done exactly the same things today and both have to get up at the same time tomorrow and I just don't like being in bed on my own. DH is downstairs playing computer games and drinking. I came to bed at 11 and he said he'd be half an hour. I went down for a wee (downstairs bathroom only) and he was just opening another beer. This happens quite regularly and always annoys me but DH just doesn't get as tired as I do and doesn't need as much sleep. AIBU? I am right? I'm mad. Surely this annoys other people?

OP posts:
Dontlaugh · 22/02/2016 00:41

I've had miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy, and recently a very significant bereavement. I don't expect my husband to go to bed the same time as me, as I am not a toddler.
I would hate if he expected me to go to bed the same time as him, unless I wanted to.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/02/2016 00:42

Normally I'd say YABVVU. But considering the circumstances I'd say that maybe just for tonight YANBU. Tomorrow may be a bit trying for you so it might be nice to have a little snuggle to drift off to sleep with.

DH and I rarely go to bed at the same time, he gets up with the chickens so goes to be a few hours before I do. I enjoy the few hours to myself to 'do some housework' MN after he goes up.

RudeElf · 22/02/2016 00:43

Thats whats known as a massive drip feed OP.

Sorry for your loss. Thanks

Onthedowns · 22/02/2016 00:43

Myself DH never go to bed same time. I am normal ish he's late! ( then can't get up in mornings)!

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 22/02/2016 00:44

We do now and again, but I go to bed at 8ish to read or watch a movie and generally have my own space.

Dh prefers to play PC games.

Apart from when we get a new DVD I would hate Dh to come to bed every night, not that we can as he works nights.

xenapants · 22/02/2016 00:45

Good god, don't be so ridiculous. You're a grown woman. If you cant sleep on your own there's something very wrong with you. Poor man.

bumbleymummy · 22/02/2016 00:47

YABU, sorry. DH and I usually go to bed at different times - me first and when he comes up I"m usually asleep. I can't sleep tonight though and he's nose whistling away - it's going to be a looooong night :(

Original poster
Levi49er · 22/02/2016 00:47

Yes a massive drip feed. I am annoyed even by my own poor MN etiquette tonight. I should toddle off to Classics and find something funny. Sorry.

OP posts:
yumyumpoppycat · 22/02/2016 00:47

Sorry about your losses OP Flowers , hope you had a chat with your OP and let him know you were upset and couldn't sleep but without putting it on the fact he hasn't gone to bed when you did.

GloryGrant · 22/02/2016 00:48

I'd go nuts if I didn't get my hour or 2 on my own downstairs a few times a week.

DH went to bed almost 3 hours ago - I've just got in after a lovely peaceful time in front of the fire with the dog and a glass of wine, watching Call the Midwife.

bumbleymummy · 22/02/2016 00:48

Sorry, missed your last post. I can understand why you might feel that way tonight. Sorry for your loss Thanks

TendonQueen · 22/02/2016 00:52

Sorry you have had such a bad time lately, OP. You've got the message by now that this is a bit much. Can you put a routine or prop or something in place that will make you feel better longer term about going to sleep alone? Music, hot drinks, something like that? Flowers

SecretWitch · 22/02/2016 00:53

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Can you find some ways to sooth yourself to sleep? My dh is a copper on the night shift. We rarely sleep together. If I'm really missing him, I might steal one of his tshirts. They are soft and usually smell faintly of his aftershave.

MattDillonsPants · 22/02/2016 00:54

My DH is like you OP and he has not had any trauma. He just wants me to go when he does but he accepts that this isn't always the way it is.

He likes things "neat" in life in general and I think this is the same issue.

NinaSimoneful · 22/02/2016 00:56

Yabu
I prefer to get in and settled before DH comes along. I much prefer being asleep first as he grinds his teeth in his sleep and the sound of it is like wet fingers on a balloon/ nails on a chalkboard/ cutlery skidding on a plate.

Darvany · 22/02/2016 01:06

So sorry for your loss OP, it's understandable Flowers

But generally, YWBU. Studies have shown that women suffer more sleep deprivation than men when hetero couples sleep together.

Insomnia, combined with sharing a bed with my beloved and very warm husband plus menopause= no sleep. I have to go up later or earlier.

Actually I think it's a bit odd that we think that children should sleep on their own from months old when they need us, but then they get a whole bed (and sometimes room) to themselves while the adults are suffering in a shared bed Confused

Lightbulbon · 22/02/2016 01:07

Op I'm the same. For me an important part of being a couple is going to bed around the same time.

I won't go to sleep until dp comes into bed.

But I'm aware that's an unpopular view on mn.

remember mn isn't the whole world

Pinkheart5915 · 22/02/2016 01:17

I am very sorry for your lose, I know a little how it feels I had a stillbirth back in 2010 dealing with your lose will get easier one day.

In reply to your bedtime post, me and my hubby often go to bed at different times

AlisonWunderland · 22/02/2016 01:43

We go to bed at different times.
The agreement is that the early one leaves the late ones bedside light on, and the late one comes to bed quietly

beautyadoration · 22/02/2016 02:03

YABU
I understand where you are coming from but it's unfair to take it out on him and make him sleep just because you're tired. If he wasn't getting up in the mornings etc and it was causing problems then yes, I would say you have every right to ask him to go to bed with you earlier but otherwise, I think just leave him to it.
Why don't you ask him to come and sit with you for half an hour or so in bed while you chat and cuddle before you sleep? Not each day, but it might help to have that closeness before bed once or twice a week if that is what you are craving.

Keeptrudging · 22/02/2016 02:09

Sorry for your loss Flowers.

My DH is like you, he can't get to sleep until I'm in bed. This is why I'm posting at 2am. He was shattered and went to bed early, so I went to bed shortly after him so he could get to sleep, because he's a lovely DH and I was being a softy.

After lying awake for ages, snoozing a bit then lying awake, I've snuck downstairs because I had a lie in this morning so am wide awake Grin. It's not normally an issue though - I do go up to bed generally half an hour after him and we're both happy.

TheMaddHugger · 22/02/2016 02:17

only read the first post

Hahahahaha and Nope, he's a morning person, ima night owl

at first he wanted me to come to bed at a 'decent time' so i tried it. By Night 3 he changed his mind Wine

TheMaddHugger · 22/02/2016 02:18

(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) and Sorry for your loss Flowers

MistressDeeCee · 22/02/2016 02:34

Sorry for your loss. Perhaps given the circumstances you want your DH to come upstairs and be with you, as a comfort

If anything apart from that - Im thinking it may be, as you said it happens a lot - its unbearable to be with someone who dictates. An example of that is, thinking you have the right to tell a grown adult when to go to bed, just because he is married to you.

ExH used to be that way and it was amongst the many things that got on my last nerve about him, and why I was glad when he wasnt around me anymore. OH is in bed now, Im round at his and I can't sleep, and its 2.30am now! So Im pottering around MN and idly glancing at other stuff online, whilst having a hot drink. & its not an issue, he tends to go to bed earlier than me most of the time

tilliebob · 22/02/2016 06:36

I think you needed to speak to your DH not us last night OP. My DH works shifts so often isn't in house never mind the bed. We rarely go to bed at the same time and I almost always go to bed before DH.

Hope your day goes well Thanks