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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think couples should (normally) go to bed at the same time?

201 replies

Levi49er · 22/02/2016 00:18

I know IA(probably)BU but I am currently Angry Bed Monster because DH is "not tired" and I don't like being in bed on my own and can't sleep. I do know that different people need different amounts of sleep, obviously, but we have done exactly the same things today and both have to get up at the same time tomorrow and I just don't like being in bed on my own. DH is downstairs playing computer games and drinking. I came to bed at 11 and he said he'd be half an hour. I went down for a wee (downstairs bathroom only) and he was just opening another beer. This happens quite regularly and always annoys me but DH just doesn't get as tired as I do and doesn't need as much sleep. AIBU? I am right? I'm mad. Surely this annoys other people?

OP posts:
Ameliablue · 22/02/2016 08:58

It would obviously be unreasonable to insist he comes to bed at the same time but I do get how difficult it is to sleep when you know he will come up and disturb you at some point.

blueshoes · 22/02/2016 08:59

Although dh goes to bed before me, if he wants sex, he sort of lies in wait for me until I get in.

ApocalypseNowt · 22/02/2016 09:00

My DH always wants to go to bed at exactly the same time as me. Most of the time i don't mind but occasionally I do find it a bit claustrophobic. Sometimes it's nice to go to bed by yourself!

Andrewofgg · 22/02/2016 09:02

YABVU. I get by on five or six hours sleep a night; DW needs eight or nine. So I go to bed (quietly) after she is asleep song get up (quietly) before she wakes. I leave my clothes in the lounge so that I can dress without waking her. It's common sense.

bloodynoris · 22/02/2016 09:02

I love being in bed before hubby comes up. I have the whole bed to my self and can totally relax. I always have a better sleep if I'm a sleep first. I loved yestersay. Dh started work at 6am which meant I had a lovely lie in all to my self and cause his off tomorrow he'll stay up later which means bed to my self again.

timelytess · 22/02/2016 09:04

I don't like being in bed on my own and can't sleep
And you're an adult.
It makes me think of all the babies and children sent off to sleep on their own, night after night.

GruntledOne · 22/02/2016 09:08

OP, you must have managed before you were married? What has changed?

We've had threads on here when women get pressurised by their partners into going to bed at the same time as they do and generally agreed that the partners are being VU. So I think it certainly works the other way round.

mixmilk · 22/02/2016 09:10

I usually go to bed around 12am-2am. DH turns in around 10pm. I'd be bored out of my mind having to go to bed as early as him, and would probably end up browsing on my phone to kill time, and end up disturbing his sleep.

I don't have to get up until 2-3 hours after he gets up so I'd just end up with too much sleep if we went to bed at the same time. We don't tiptoe around each other though, he stirs a little when I go to bed a bit later, and I wake up enough to watch him get dressed kiss him goodbye but then roll over and go back to sleep Grin

JasperDamerel · 22/02/2016 09:21

Generally, I prefer to go to bed at 10 and read until 10.30. DP rarely goes to bed before 11. You know how small children get overtired and sleep really badly if they stay up past their bedtime? That's what I'm like after around 10.15. I start finding excuses not to go to bed, and then have too many thoughts in my head and can't sleep. And it would be very unfair of me to expect DP to miss out on his evenings of free time just to sit next to me while I read a book.

In your circumstances, however, I think some company and cuddles are not an unreasonable thing to ask for for a night or two.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 22/02/2016 09:30

I sometimes like some wind don time watching telly on my own and so does DH sometimes, or there's something on one of us especially wants to watch. So generally I think YABABU. But I do sympathise too as sometimes I can't get to sleep until we're both settled which can be a bit annoying.

bakeoffcake · 22/02/2016 09:38

Hope today's goes ok OPFlowers

We do usually go to bed together, it's what Iwe'be done for the past 27 years and I must admit I can't sleep until he gets into bed. Blush on the odd occasion he's up late or out, I go to bed but read until he gets to bed. Call me clingy, I don't care, it works for us.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 22/02/2016 09:42

Hope you got some sleep and your first day back goes OK Levi.
Am sorry for your losses Flowers
No wonder you couldn't sleep with all that going on x

In those circumstances perhaps DH could have helped you out by turning in when you did, especially if he knows you'd like that

caitlinohara · 22/02/2016 09:51

YABU, but so am I. Grin

Fugghetaboutit · 22/02/2016 09:54

Sorry for you loss Flowers

My H is a night owl and stays up until 12/1 I go to bed with baby around 8pm! Too knackered to stay up together.

HooseRice · 22/02/2016 09:55

I'm the night bird between DH and I but I've recognised that if I go up at the same time as him not only does he do all the switching off, door locking etc, there's a good chance of some impromptu sex cuddles.

SuburbanRhonda · 22/02/2016 09:56

I would mind more about him drinking beer right up until he went to bed. I would hate to be lying next to someone who smells of beer, who would probably be restless and would need to get up for the toilet a couple of hours after going to bed.

And I like a drink Wink

AdriftOnMemoryBliss · 22/02/2016 10:06

oh hell no, i can't STAND it when DH comes to bed the same time as me.. he can fuck off.

I want to get in bed, read for a bit, get warm and comfy and fall asleep before he gets in and starts snoring.

Going to bed together seems to be taken as an invite to talk and//or shag and he can fuck off with that too... leave me the hell alone... yes i am antisocial when i'm tired.

Phalenopsisgirl · 22/02/2016 11:29

I don't think yabu. Couples who go to bed together stay together, so I think it's a good time to give to each other, for chats, cuddles, sex. My dh gets very shirty if I stay up without him and I get pestered every few minutes 'when am i coming up?" I find it sweet that he wants me near him that much although I do find it a bit annoying on a Sunday night (my weekend is sun mon) when he is twitching because I am up at a very reasonable 10.45! Lol. We very rarely go to bed at different times and now I find myself less able to sleep if he is out late at the pub or a football match. I doze but don't really relax until he comes plodding in. I think for your man to say 'he isn't tired' at gone midnight is a bit childish, it's exactly the sort of thing kids say. Of course his body would be ready to sleep its just he is stimulating his mind playing computer games and artificially keeping himself awake, the healthy grown up choice would be to go to bed earlier and train his body to a good /more healthy sleep pattern. Staying up gaming (with beer/alcohol, another sleep disrupter ) until the wee hours is what I did in my teens and early twenties, there is no way I could argue it left me at my peak physically or mentally. It's nice and ok as an occasional treat but if it's habit it's a bad one. God I sound like such an old woman lol

ZiggyFartdust · 22/02/2016 11:36

Couples who don't go to bed together also stay together. And getting pestered to go to bed at someone elses convenience is not "sweet" its controlling and weird. Hmm

PantsOfGold · 22/02/2016 11:43

DH often comes to bed hours after me. At the beginning of our relationship it bothered me, as I had pictures of us settling into bed comfortably together. It will never happen as our body clocks are so different. I need to be in bed by 11 or I become an emotional wreck and DH can manage on a lot less sleep and likes to stay up with a drink or two. Generally, I am fine with it now - I have my night time rituals and like my space. Occasionally I have a panic over it and wonder if it is 'healthy' for us to keep such different hours. Also, it's not very easy coordinating our sex life! Confused

WitchWay · 22/02/2016 11:44

I go to bed first & read - usually asleep before he comes up, but sometimes DH comes & lies on the bed "for a rest" before getting up & going downstairs for a while Confused

He also disturbs me when he comes to bed & tries to have a conversation even though I'm asleep - I never listen to him apparently, when I can't remember the details the next day Hmm

clam · 22/02/2016 11:55

Couples who go to bed together stay together

Hmm Bollocks. (I speak as someone who's been married for over 20 years and we've slept separately/different times for many of those years as dh is an insomniac).

I find it sweet that he wants me near him that much. Only if, by "sweet," you mean cloying and suffocating.

I think for your man to say 'he isn't tired' at gone midnight is a bit childish. And I think for anyone to tell another adult when it's time for them to go to bed is overly controlling. You're not his mum, fgs!

patterkiller · 22/02/2016 12:00

I go to bed at s usual time each night and DH comes at the same time. However, I will on occasion want an hour to myself skinning on the sofa watching rubbish tv. Will the fecker go to bed and leave me, no. He will sit there until I ask him if he should be in bed by now and I get the whole teenage strop from him. It drives me nuts.

So YABU. Go to bed when you want and don't expect him to follow on your timescale.

PunkrockerGirl · 22/02/2016 12:09

What Ziggy said.
Dh and I have bee happily married for 25 years and rarely go to bed at the same time.

Ragwort · 22/02/2016 12:54

^^ Will have been married 28 years this year - never go to bed at the same time as DH or even share a bedroom.

Couples who go to bed together stay together Hmm