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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DP to ask for a DNA test for his DC?

206 replies

SashaFierce99 · 19/02/2016 00:18

DP had three DC when we met who are now aged 10 and DTS aged 8. His wife was unfaithful multiple times throughout their marriage; she has admitted this openly. The children look nothing like DP, each other or our DC together. He hasn't seen them regularly for several years because his ex moves around and refuses to tell him where etc.

Yet he is still paying over £500 p/m maintenance for them. Obviously this would be the right thing to do if they were biologically his or even if he just had a relationship with them, but he has admitted he isn't sure at all that they are actually his and realistically we can't afford to keep applying to the court to find out where the DC are while also paying so much maintenance.

Aibu to think he should ask for a DNA test in these circumstances?

OP posts:
Wardy1993 · 19/02/2016 16:38

HANDBAGS AT DAWN!

BillSykesDog · 19/02/2016 17:31

But it does make it a possibility diddl most people are pretty certain that their partners are faithful which is why they know the children are theirs. Plus, only she knows for certain if she used contraception or not. If someone had repeatedly cheated on you would you take their word for it?

diddl · 19/02/2016 17:38

Oh yes I don't say that it's not a possibility at all.

And yes she repeatedly cheated so she's not the most trustworthy!

I just wonder how many women would be so callous as to not only have affairs, but risk pregnancy & be OK with tricking their husband into bringing up the child.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/02/2016 17:44

It's a big world out there. I'm sure there will be many women who are fine with their husband possibly bringing up another man's child thinking the child is his own.

miserablesod · 19/02/2016 17:55

Well people probably think a couple of my kids aren't dps but i can assure you they are! Two of my children have quite dark skin, very dark brown hair and eyes. Dp is very blonde, pale white and blue eyed Grin

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 17:57

I'm sure there will be many women who are fine with their husband possibly bringing up another man's child thinking the child is his own.

Are you and Bobo in some kind of misogynistic guild? Hmm

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/02/2016 18:01

No I'm just realistic rather than naive.

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 18:12

It's not just your assertion that there are 'many' women passing off 'cuckoo' DC as their DH's weather; It's your blithe assertion that the women concerned are 'fine' with it. How on earth do you know that? Confused

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/02/2016 18:20

How do you know they aren't fine with it?
Why not just accept that many will be fine with it and many won't be?

WonderingAspie · 19/02/2016 18:21

YANBU. Why should your DH continue to give his ex money if she has deceived him about whether or not the children are his. I think he has a right to know whether he has been lied to, the children also have that right. It's disgraceful when women do things like this.

I read an article a little while age that said something about there are a surprising number of men bringing up children that aren't theirs and they are none the wiser. But it's always the man's fault and he is trying to wriggle out of paying, never the cheating, lying mothers fault. Hmm

A friend of ours has 2 children. He split from his ex, turned out she was having an affair with someone well known to both of them. This person seemed to favour the younger of the 2 children and I remember me and DH commenting on it when they were together. Now they are married and have a child together, this child is the image of our friends youngest. Apart from the age gap they could be twins. Me and DH have often wondered. Of course our friend sees himself as the dad and I have no idea if he has ever suspected but even if he did, he would never stop being a dad to the child. Just because someone wants to know the truth, doesn't mean they would suddenly cut them from their lives after so many years. Men have feelings too!

CityFox · 19/02/2016 18:31

I think it would be a good idea, as long as it's not all about money. I feel very sorry for the kids involved.

chillycurtains · 19/02/2016 18:34

Not unreasonable but don't expect your DP to want to drop all contact with the DC as he has an emotional relationship with them. He may well want to still pay something even if they are not his biological children if he thinks the children would do going without if the money reduced.

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 18:40

Why not just accept that many will be fine with it and many won't be?

Because there isn't much evidence at all.

cuautepec · 19/02/2016 18:46

"I read an article a little while age that said something about there are a surprising number of men bringing up children that aren't theirs and they are none the wiser. But it's always the man's fault and he is trying to wriggle out of paying, never the cheating, lying mothers fault."

Gosh, I am somewhat aghast at the woman against woman nature of this thread, but the saddest part of it is that this is all being taken out on the children. It won't be long before the word "bastard" appears.

My ex totally wriggled out of paying, despite my dd being the spitting image of him

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/02/2016 18:48

Riiight ok. So everything needs to be a study with evidence for it to be true now does it? Maybe the government needs to send out a questionnaire to every household or there should be a section on it in the next census so some evidence can be obtained.

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 18:51

weather your posting always baffles me TBH.

I just don't want to assume things because it suits you and your circumstances. It goes against my training to assume.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/02/2016 18:55

If it baffles you then why do you continue to talk to me?
I only respond to what you say to me.

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 19:10

I'm sure there will be many women who are fine with their husband possibly bringing up another man's child thinking the child is his own.

wasn't addressed to me, I was just asking if there was any logic or evidence behind it.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/02/2016 19:31

I would have thought that it was more of a historical problem and fairly unusual these days given how many people know about the existence of DNA tests how easy they are to do even before delivery.

So the risks of being found out are much stronger, I don't know many people who should take that chance

cuautepec · 19/02/2016 19:51

For something that is supposedly so common, I have never in my long life met anyone who has had a child by one man and convinced another man to believe it was their child and people do open up with me a lot.

ladyslattern · 19/02/2016 20:00

It wouldnt be fair on the children for him to attempt to disown them if he has been known as their father all this time.
It doesnt sound like their Mum is giving them much stability - their Dad trying to vacate the position could be catastrophic for them.
But I can hear how head mashingly frustrating and worrying and futile this situation is for you and your family.
All you and DP can do is keep behaving like the adults in the situation.
Good luck!

Original poster
SashaFierce99 · 19/02/2016 23:18

They have moved house nine times since DP separated from their mum. We can't afford the continual court battle; his ex completely disregards court orders. He intends on giving up on seeking contact because the dc appear not to want it after all the disruption their mum has caused but he intends on still paying maintenance. I think in these circumstances he may as well find out as the dc have a right to know; both his and ours.

OP posts:
gooseberryroolz · 20/02/2016 00:37

He'll need to find her to seek DNA testing, though.

And he doesn't need to prove non-paternity to drop successive contact struggles.

You say he's not keen to test and you say that he'll pay CM eiher way.

So what is the real driver for DNA tests?

goddessofsmallthings · 20/02/2016 00:42

Ime courts don't take kindly to those who completely disregard their orders and have been known to hold those who do so in contempt.

Has your dp at any time sought a childcare arrangements order setting out a schedule for contact and a prohibited steps order to prevent his ex from removing the dc from her specified address without his consent or that of the court?

Has your dp discussed with his solicitor(s) the possibility of making an application to the High Court for his dc to be made Wards of Court?

Your dp can apply for a delcaration of parentage in respect of his dc but any such application can only be made as part of, or alongside or during, existing proceedings and it's therefore in his interests to apply for one or more of the above orders.

If your dp is paying child maintenance through the CSA that agency can also apply for DNA tests to be carried out on the children. It's unlikely they would do so at this late stage, but a letter from you dp's solicitor(s) may be sufficient to persuade them otherwise.

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/disagreements-about-parentage

My concern is that you appear to be steering this particular car when your dp should have his hands firmly on the wheel, OP, and I'm not getting the feeling he wants, or intends, to press for DNA tests in respect of the dc that were conceived and born during his marriage to his ex.

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 20/02/2016 01:32

They are his, regardless of DNA.

You are very foolish to endorse an unwanted DNA test and it will backfire at you.

Can't you be more sensitive towards your stepkids? I'm sure they love THEIR dad.