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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DP to ask for a DNA test for his DC?

206 replies

SashaFierce99 · 19/02/2016 00:18

DP had three DC when we met who are now aged 10 and DTS aged 8. His wife was unfaithful multiple times throughout their marriage; she has admitted this openly. The children look nothing like DP, each other or our DC together. He hasn't seen them regularly for several years because his ex moves around and refuses to tell him where etc.

Yet he is still paying over £500 p/m maintenance for them. Obviously this would be the right thing to do if they were biologically his or even if he just had a relationship with them, but he has admitted he isn't sure at all that they are actually his and realistically we can't afford to keep applying to the court to find out where the DC are while also paying so much maintenance.

Aibu to think he should ask for a DNA test in these circumstances?

OP posts:
Roseberrry · 19/02/2016 08:12

It would be very harsh on the children but I know in the long run I would rather know if my dad is actually my dad sooner rather than later. I think it's a pretty stupid thing to say he shouldn't find out cos it might upset them Hmm

He's obviously not keen though and it has to be his choice. I'm not sure what else you can do op.

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 08:14

What are "these" kinds of threads then?

Good question Confused

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 19/02/2016 08:14

Like I said, bore off.
Stop trying to hijack someone's thread because you have an agenda and grudge.

HTH.

Lurkedforever1 · 19/02/2016 08:16

Yabu. Whether it's his sperm or not, he's been their father. If a couple adopt and later divorce should the nrp dump the child because it's not biologically theirs?

Fwiw friends dp has a child that isn't biologically his, something that his ex revealed during a rather nasty divorce. But the irrelevant factor of whose sperm was responsible made no difference to him remaining the dad.

Also my dd is a different colour to both me and her biological father. And in other ways is very much like me, features, build, personality, interests. He's still her biological father, and yet not worthy of the title 'father' or 'dad', unlike friends dp who is the father despite not sharing dna.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/02/2016 08:16

Would he prefer to have a relationship with them, or to find out they are not his biological children and therefore be relieved of the responsibility of them? Does he love them?

TheFallenMadonna · 19/02/2016 08:17

My dad, though not biologically related to me, is "actually" my dad...

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 08:20

Some people are very hung up on biology, aren't they? Hmm

TheFallenMadonna · 19/02/2016 08:21

I have always known mind you. I do think that helps when it comes to not mattering!

pilates · 19/02/2016 08:22

If he wants a test he should ask for one. But I am cynical about your motivations.

It's best the kids find out if he isn't there's but I don't think that's the reason you are doing it.

If he genuinely had doubts why did he not pursue this when they first split up, if he felt he couldn't ask while they were together?
^
Agree Katenka

Fratelli · 19/02/2016 08:22

Surely it's your dps decision not yours? I don't personally believe biology is very meaningful. Would you rather the kids have no father at all? I know many people who don't consider their biological father's as their dad.

Roseberrry · 19/02/2016 08:24

Yes they are goose. It's not that strange.

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 08:25

I have always known mind you. I do think that helps when it comes to not mattering!

Quite, but the way in which some people insist 'parent' means biological parent is grating nevertheless.

NickiFury · 19/02/2016 08:26

I just find it disgusting that there are no levels you won't stoop to in your resentment and dislike of this child, now you're even questioning her parentage. OP needs to know that one of the few responses on her thread actually advocating DNA testing for her step children comes from someone who has a well documented and lengthy history of negativity towards a small child and hopefully she will bear that in mind.

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 08:27

You share that preoccupation freely with any adopters you meet, do you Rose?

Fratelli · 19/02/2016 08:27

Dontdrinkandfacebook my dc was conceived by rape but my dp will always be his dad. Would you force my child to have a dna test? Or simply call me a cheat for refusing one?

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 08:29

OP needs to know that one of the few responses on her thread actually advocating DNA testing for her step children comes from someone who has a well documented and lengthy history of negativity towards a small child and hopefully she will bear that in mind.

That's a good point. Your mean-spirited posts about your DSD do jump out every time weather. It taints the neutrality of your advice to the OP.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/02/2016 08:31

For all those talking about being a father being more than biology, just remember we are talking about someone being potentially tricked into fatherhood. If it turned out these children weren't his, he wasn't given the option to raise them as his own knowing that, he was deceived and lied to. So any reaction he would have to finding out he's not a dad would be acceptable. If he felt he couldn't see the children, then that is his ex wife's doing. You can't dictate someone's emotions in a situation like that.

bakeoffcake · 19/02/2016 08:31

Does your H want a DNA test?

It's his decision and I think yabu to try to influence him.

OohMavis · 19/02/2016 08:34

I don't think you're unreasonable, but the innocents here are the children. Do they deserve it?

Roseberrry · 19/02/2016 08:34

No because I'm not rude. But I do think it's very natural to want to be biologically connected.

Don't take it out of context, I believe you can love a child that is not your own just as much as one that is too.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/02/2016 08:34

I completely agree that nobody should ever be kept in the dark about things like this. But would he stop loving them, if he found out? What if one was his child and two weren't? Can you just switch it off on the results of a DNA test?

TheFallenMadonna · 19/02/2016 08:36

Because the OP isn't saying find out for peace of mind, or so everyone is in full possession of the facts. She's saying find out so if they're not, they can stop paying £500 a month.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 19/02/2016 08:37

I would want the Dna test done, it's not fair on the children to be bought up in a lie, and if there is any doubt then get the test done.

DH was 16 when the big secret came out, he found it very hard to trust anyone around him.

gooseberryroolz · 19/02/2016 08:38

For all those talking about being a father being more than biology, just remember we are talking about someone being potentially tricked into fatherhood

It's phrasing it in the abstract that is rather rude Paul.

Or insisting that if the DNA didn't match, he wouldn't be their father, which is his choice and the DC's choice, surely?

TubbyTabby · 19/02/2016 08:40

YANBU. if it was me, i'd want the same as you.

and if they were my kids, i would most definitely want to know if they are biologically mine or not.

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