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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DP to ask for a DNA test for his DC?

206 replies

SashaFierce99 · 19/02/2016 00:18

DP had three DC when we met who are now aged 10 and DTS aged 8. His wife was unfaithful multiple times throughout their marriage; she has admitted this openly. The children look nothing like DP, each other or our DC together. He hasn't seen them regularly for several years because his ex moves around and refuses to tell him where etc.

Yet he is still paying over £500 p/m maintenance for them. Obviously this would be the right thing to do if they were biologically his or even if he just had a relationship with them, but he has admitted he isn't sure at all that they are actually his and realistically we can't afford to keep applying to the court to find out where the DC are while also paying so much maintenance.

Aibu to think he should ask for a DNA test in these circumstances?

OP posts:
Meirasa · 19/02/2016 08:42

Where is the mothers responsibility in all of this. If the children aren't her husbands it's her fault. And by not being honest she is in fact the one who has lied and denied her children the right to know who they really are. Men always take the blame on threads like this, but to be far if she was shagging around he's well within his rights to have doubts and act on those doubts to find out the truth. Its a form of fraud but worse because he loves his children...

That said it does however look like the OP is doing it to try and save 500 a month.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/02/2016 08:44

I don't believe in deceiving anyone involved about what the truth is. It is perfectly possible to still have a great relationship with a child that isn't biologically yours but I don't think it's fair to anyone to hide thetruth or have doubts. The kids could well come to their own conclusions when they're 18 anyway and arrange the DNA test themselves.

OP, how young where the kids when the marriage ended?

I find it really very strange that the ex keeps moving the children round and trying to make contact difficult. I can think of only 2 situations where she would do this. Firstly if the ex thought your DP was an unfit father and her children would suffer from having contact. Presumably you know this not to be true if you have kids together and know what kind of father he is.

The other reason would be that she knows or suspects that some or all of the kids might not be his but knows she could lose out financially if the truth were revealed, and so moves round and makes contact difficult to avoid the possibility of testing even coming up.

The mother sounds awful if it's genuinely the case that she tries to prevent contact for no good reason. And moving around, what kind of life is that for the kids to have that lack of stability? If the whole thing is exactly as you describe it then she is the one to blame in all this.

I know people on this thread are saying "poor kids, he's still their dad even if not biologically", but if they have not lived as a family since they were babies/toddlers and he has hardly seen them since (you don't say how irregular it actually is) AND he isn't even their dad but paying out thousands for them, then how is this fair in any way to OP's DP? The mother is happy to take the money but not to help foster a relationship them. She sounds a disgrace.

conkerpods · 19/02/2016 08:46

I don't think yabu.
Although a friend of mine has 2dc and neither of the kids look like either parent or even related to each other.

flanjabelle · 19/02/2016 08:47

I think if it were just about maintenance then I would say no its not right to dna test. However, as the mother is making it difficult for the ops dp to have a relationship with the children and expecting him to continually fight through the courts, as well as paying maintenance, I don't think that it's unreasonable to want to know if they are actually his children. It must take up a huge amount of time, energy and money and it is entirely unreasonable to expect a man to do that for children that may not be his.

No its not a great situation for the children, but that is not the ops dps fault. The blame for that lays with the partner who was unfaithful, causing there to be doubt about paternity.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/02/2016 08:52

Sorry, hust read that the kids were 3 and 1 when they separated. That is very young, and it's a long time to be having only very irregular contact. There can't be much of a relationship between him and the kids (emotionally I mean). Do the kids appear to want a relationship with him? Or does it seem that it's all one-sided?

Enkopkaffetak · 19/02/2016 08:52

Well I dont have any step children and nor have I ever had the need for a DNA test. Yet my dd1 looks completely different to hr 3 siblings. We used to joke about how different she was when they were younger. now at age 18 we can suddenly see where her genes are from. Her paternal grandmother - pictures of MIL and her sisters that age is like seeing dd1.. However as a baby she didn't look anything like the (few) pictures we had. I am also a stepchild and I have been since the age of 5 (in my mid 40s now)

However having said all of this I do think in this situation I would have a test done. I would then wait and see how you feel if it proves that the dad is not the biological father. You also need to consider how you would feel if it turns out he is the father to 1 of the children not the others.

If mother is moving away regularly I would as suggested above apply for a childcare arrangements order setting out contact and a prohibited steps order to prevent his ex from uprooting the dc and moving away without his consent.

I think it is cruel to the children to deliberately ensure their relationship with their father is impossible. I think your dh have behaved well in paying even when he doesn't know where they are.

As for those who says the comments about biology doesn't make a dad. I agree it doesn't I have a step dad in my life from when I was 5 (as mentioned above) he is very much one of my parents and my childrens grandparents. What makes a dad is the one who takes time to be there for the children and the one who develops a relationship with the children. The OP's dh is prevented from doing this so yes I actually thing a DNA test is a good idea.

OP for what it is worth I think you sound like someone who has her dh's back and cares about him and his wellbeing a great deal. If you keep doing that no matter if he goes for a DNA test or even if he does and the test proves he is not. Then he will get through it all as he has someone who cares and loves him.

peggyundercrackers · 19/02/2016 08:52

If there is doubt in a fathers mind they should be able to request a test. It is not fair on either the father or the children, the children have a right to know their biological father is, who his side of the family are - they will likely have lots of relatives they don't know which again is not fair.

Being a parent I know I wouldn't love a child the same if they weren't biologically mine. You also have to look at how many children who are adopted go on to look for their biological parents - the majority have a burning need to find out who they are.

Trying to compare adopted children to that of someone who is tricked into believing they are a parent just doesn't work - they are completely different and in no way anything alike.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/02/2016 08:54

Do you have a child who isn't biologically yours? For comparison?

BillSykesDog · 19/02/2016 08:58

But in this case it doesn't appear that the DH wants a DNA test. The OP wants one because it would be more convenient if this problem and the financial commitment went away.

But look at it from his point of view. He lived with these children until they were 3 and 1. In all likelihood he will have done all the parenting things, fed them, bathed them, cuddled them, comforted them when they were crying, put them to bed, played with them. They're 10 and 8 now, he's been the only father they've had all that time and he's fought to see them and has supported them. He would be a bit of a monster in that situation if he didn't love them and wasn't incredibly attached to them.

If he has a DNA test and they're not his, it will mean he loses his right to see them in all likelihood. If he doesn't want to do the test the OP shouldn't force it. If he considers them his children regardless that should be enough.

The OP may see them as a problem which they have a chance to offload, but if he doesn't want to do that, his hand shouldn't be forced.

BillSykesDog · 19/02/2016 09:00

Being a parent I know I wouldn't love a child the same if they weren't biologically mine.

Wow. That's so insulting to so many people on so many levels. You don't know this because you are a parent, plenty of parents feel very differently from you.

Katenka · 19/02/2016 09:00

YANBU. if it was me, i'd want the same as you.

I agree but...she has even with him 6 years. He split with his ex when the youngest were one.

Why wasn't it done before. And if paternity is an issue for the OP why did she have kids with someone who pays out £500 per month to kids he has never thought were his.

I do think the kids have a right to know. But I can't believe this hasn't been an issue since the kids were born and now is one.

It makes me think that he has a good idea that they are his and this is more about the money than anything else.

peggyundercrackers · 19/02/2016 09:02

plenty of parents feel very differently from you.

plenty feel the same.

MizK · 19/02/2016 09:08

He would not be unreasonable to want a test if he has serious doubts but you are being unreasonable to be so keen to push him into asking. It seems to be purely about the money for you but the potential for complete trauma if the DNA tests show his ex has lied is huge...what if only one of the children is not his? Etc.
I agree that the ex's behaviour sounds shady and it's awful of her to keep vanishing and disrupting their relationship but the children are totally innocent and will one day be old enough to see their mothers behaviour objectively.

BillSykesDog · 19/02/2016 09:09

It was the way you put it 'being a parent I know', like it would be impossible for anybody to love a non-bio kid the way that you love a bio kid and you 'know' this just because you are a parent and all parents would do.

Extremely rude IMO.

PurpleDaisies · 19/02/2016 09:11

Being a parent I know I wouldn't love a child the same if they weren't biologically mine.

Bloody hell. Try telling that to the thousands of adoptive parents across the country. Biscuit

Goingtobeawesome · 19/02/2016 09:11

Discussing adoption and a child who may think their father is their biological one as if they are similar is ridiculous.

Biology is important to me. I know who my biological father is. He has played no part in my life at all and couldn't care less about me if he tried. It matters to ME though that I know who he is and fuck everyone else.

Lurkedforever1 · 19/02/2016 09:11

If the kids aren't his, then no debate the mother has behaved despicably. However ill feeling about her shouldn't have any place in a decision as to whether he is their dad. Because he is even if it's not biological.

As to paying out a fortune, is he bollocks. £500 a month for 3 kids is nothing compared to the cost of raising them. Does anyone actually believe £38 a week is half the cost of raising a child?

Lurkedforever1 · 19/02/2016 09:14

Right peggy. So if you were told that there'd been a mix up and one of your kids wasn't actually yours, you'd suddenly love them less? And you think that's a reasonable reaction?

Marilynsbigsister · 19/02/2016 09:17

The main issue here is the fact that the OP's DH has spent a lot of time and effort - not to mention money chasing the ex through the courts for contact as she is continually moving..

This alone is immensely time consuming and emotionally draining. It doesn't sound as though with this situation, the children or the father have had much chance to establish a relationship. So yes OP, I completely understand, why would you put yourselves (yes yourselves because despite it being his children, most normal couples support each other at times like this) through this if there is a serious possibility that the children aren't his.

It is also more common than you would think for a woman to claim the father of her children to be the stable, solvent responsible one ...that are decent human beings who pay maintenance for the children reliably, no questions asked...rather than try and chase a bloke she had an affair with/ons for payment and if this has been done knowingly it's fraud, plain and simple. Obtaining money by deception..

If the mother is trying to keep them away from him I would suggest that your fears are well founded and he is being taken for a ride.. If however the kids see him often, talk to him on the phone and spend holidays/weekends with him, he needs to decide whether a negative DNA is going to change his relationship. He does have a right to know..

Thegreatunslept · 19/02/2016 09:18

My dad asked for dna tests for me and my dsis. We are his children there was some rumours of my dm having an affair when we were at school. My parents split when I was 7 and Dan tests took place when I was about 10.
They confirmed we were both his children. When we asked later why my dad wanted this done he blamed his solicitor and said he didn't want it done.
Complete rubbish from him he was trying to get out of paying maintenance and trying to hurt my dm.
We haven't had any real sort of relationship for 15 years and he is yet to meet his dgc properly or acknowledge their births.
It's all very sad and has had a real effect on how my sister and I grew up and how we turned out.
Because of lasting effect it has had on me alone I for the children's sake would think very carefully before doing it. It will change any relationship those children have with your dp.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/02/2016 09:19

I think you can order a kit yourself and diy.

I'd want to know it would bug me otherwise.

The money would be irrelevant

QuiteLikely5 · 19/02/2016 09:22

Thegreatunslept I think if he had doubts he had a right to get the test done

He might have been happy to walk away from children who weren't biologically his

blindsider · 19/02/2016 09:26

It sounds like you see the children in frequently?? Just take a hair sample from each of them (they would even have to know) and get the DNA test done.

Once result is in you can decide what next course of action is, irrespective of the result.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/02/2016 09:32

This biological/non-biological parent and love argument that has just cropped up, can we take adoptive parents out of the equation? Adoption is totally different because you're living as a family day to day and building an extremely close relationship together.

I can completely understand how someone MIGHT feel differently towards a child if they hardly ever see them, haven't had a close relationship since they were a baby and then find out that they aren't even biologically theirs.

Someone said that the OP's DP will have done all the baby stuff as if this automatically makes for a close relationship even if they don't see much of them as they get older. I'm sorry, it doesn't. It's the stuff that comes afterwards. Regular interaction between a parent and child for a number of years, that forms a bond. As many adult step-children on this thread have testified.

PurpleDaisies · 19/02/2016 09:32

blindsider if you use hair for DNA it has to have to root attached. I'm not sure you could manage to get a sample without the kid noticing. Most home tests seem to be cheek swabs.